Whole
by SheFoundHerself
Summary: Set post-season 12. "Remember, remember, this is now, and now, and now. Live it, feel it, cling to it. I want to become acutely aware of all I've taken for granted." - Sylvia Plath. Disclaimer: I do not own anything other than the original characters.
1. Chapter 1

He presses his head back against the pillow and breathes.

She is talking to him and if he closes his eyes he can picture her beside him. Her hair would be a stark contrast to the white pillowcase and he would prop himself up on his elbow to watch her face...

"How's the weather?" He asks her, holding his cell phone to his ear. "You snowed in yet?"

There is a pause during which he can hear the clink of silverware on ceramic dishes. He grins. "You having dinner with me, Benson?" He can almost see her dark eyes rolling at him endearingly.

He likes the idea that she's eating while listening to the sound of his voice.

"A girl's gotta eat, Stabler," she quips back at him and he turns his head to look at the clock on his bedside table.

10:43pm.

His chest aches for a moment and his ceaseless desire to look after her takes over.  
"What time did you get home?" He asks, trying to keep his voice light, but dreading her answer. Late December evenings in Manhattan are bitter.

"I had a meeting with Capt," she says, circumnavigating his question.  
"He giving you a promotion?" He inquires, teasing gently. She is quiet for a moment and when he hears her take a deep breath, he clutches the phone harder. "You oka-?" The words have barely left his lips when she is talking over him.

"Are you sitting down?" She asks and her question makes him swing his legs over the side of the bed and sit up. He knows he is being unrealistic, but if she thinks for one minute that this snow is going to keep him from driving overnight if she needs him-  
"El?"  
He hears her say his name and he realizes that he hasn't answered her.

"Yeah?"

"Are you sitting down?" She repeats and this time he can hear the slightest hint of amusement in her voice.  
"I'm sitting," he replies and shakes his head at the incomprehensibility that is Olivia. He hears her take a second deep breath and he wills himself to stay silent, to give her a chance to speak. He can't help himself.

"Liv-" he starts, gently.

"I put in my papers," she informs him in a rush.

For an instant, he can't breathe. He is stunned. For all of the thousands of different things she could have just said to him, this is simultaneously the furthest one from his mind and the most welcome. He can't have heard her right.  
He can't have.

"You what?" He demands incredulously and he thinks her resulting laughter is well-worth him sounding like an idiot.

"I did. I'm giving them six months," she elaborates and her voice sounds lighter.

 _Six months_. He counts forward in his head and six months takes him to July.

 _July. The grass will blow in the mid-summer breeze. The afternoon sun will peek through the trees and dapple the light on the back porch. He sees her hair tied up in a ponytail, falling asleep in the hammock, her gorgeous skin warmed by the inviting air.  
Six months.  
July and she could be here.  
She could be...he tries not to think: **his.**_

He needs a moment so he bows his head and rubs his hand across his face. His throat is tight when he speaks. "Liv," he starts, because he has got to give her something. He can't just sit here and let himself cry on the phone with her. His vision is blurring. _..finally,_ he thinks. _Finally._ He's been _waiting_ for this, for _her._

"Liv," he says her name again and he wills her to hear the hope in his voice. He can't make his mind work fast enough. He has one million questions for her and he doesn't want to throw too many at her at once, but he prays that he could be her answer to all of them.  
The words still aren't coming and when he hears the melody of her laugh, she absolves him for his lack of response. Her joy triggers his own and he feels himself laughing along with her.

"What are you gonna do?" He asks. "You gonna stay in the city?"

He hears her sigh.  
"I haven't thought about it too much," she says and he is certain that she has just fibbed to him. If he knows anything about Olivia it is that she has thought every single one of her options over, weighed the pros and cons, and already has plans. She wouldn't resign if she didn't. He has to be patient and allow her to reveal the details to him in her own time.

"I'm not sure," she presses on, her voice taking on an entertaining cadence. "I keep thinking I might want to get out of here. At least for a little while."  
He opens his mouth to interject, but she continues. "I know a guy who owns some land in Virginia."

His patience is rewarded.

"It's supposed to be a nice place, but I'll have to find out if my invitation still stands..."  
He can't stop grinning and he wants to laugh in relief, but his lungs don't seem to be functioning properly.

She wants to come. She wants to spend time here. With him.

"Yeah. That sounds nice. You'll have to call him," Elliot says, playing along. He knows she can hear the amusement in his voice.  
"Yeah, I'd better," Olivia chimes back in, "He might've changed his mind..."  
Elliot jumps at the chance, "I don't think so. Doesn't sound like that kinda guy to me."

He can hear her resulting smile through the phone.  
"You mean it?" She asks and the breathlessness in her voice sends him reeling.  
"'Course," he answers, "You got a standing invitation. What's mine is yours, Liv."

Olivia gives a hum of gratitude in his ear and he wants to tell her that she just made his day, week, hell - she has made his whole year with this news. She says she is grateful, but the truth is that he is the one who has received a gift.  
Then, tentatively and as if she is reading his mind..."Better late than never, right? Merry Christmas, El."


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note:** Thank you to everyone for your reviews! I so appreciate you taking the time to read and to write to me. And so we continue...

* * *

He hangs up with Liv and listens to the sound of the water running in the bathroom. One of his children is out of bed and he will bet ten dollars it's Eli. He hears it then, the sound of his son's little feet scampering across the old wooden floorboards and back into his bedroom.

He will go and check on his little guy in a minute, maybe two. Elliot doesn't want Eli to know that he is still awake, otherwise the kid will make a case for a midnight treat and Elliot is pretty sure that Kathy is gonna kill him if their son returns to her home with a nocturnal snacking habit.

He grins to himself in the dim light of his bedroom. At five, Eli soaks up every moment with him and though Elliot is so thankful that his son wants to be with him, he worries he has messed up Kathy's perfect bedtime routine. Eli has been hanging out with him until at least 10:00 every night. Elliot has attempted to put the kid to bed on time, but he can't fight city hall. In truth, he hasn't tried all that hard because he does not want to miss a minute with his youngest.

He breathes for a moment and allows himself to drift forward in time...to July. The kids will be out of school and the house will be full. Warm air will waft through the open windows on the summer breeze. He can hear Olivia's laughter as Eli races through the house, giggling madly as he chases the dog.

He has a dog now.  
When he had moved in last fall, the old house had felt cavernous. It didn't yet hold memories of his family and it felt utterly empty. It had been Maureen's idea. Everyday for three weeks, she had sent him email postings of dogs in local shelters until his inbox looked like the results of the Westminster Dog Show.

He had given in after a particularly quiet night and driven to the shelter first thing in the morning. He walked the aisle more than once, his heart going out to every one of the dogs inside the pens. He reasoned to himself that they were well taken care of, safe and warm, and much better off here than they were on the streets. Still, he saw what Maureen had meant about not being able to leave without one.

At first he felt overwhelmed and wondered if this had been the right thing to do. For an instant, the dogs reminded him of the job he had left behind and how each one of them needed him in a unique way. He didn't feel like he had a whole lot more in him to give. To anyone. What the hell was he doing here anyway? He didn't know a damn thing about dogs - he had never had one of his own...He walked up and down the row three times.

He crossed the small dogs off his list immediately. He couldn't take one of those little yappy things, no matter how adorable the girls thought they were. He knew he couldn't have a puppy because they chewed everything and had to go out to the bathroom all the time. Elliot knew he didn't own anything valuable, so the chewing part didn't really bother him, but he wanted to keep the house looking half-decent and his new job wouldn't allow him to spend the necessary time at home training a puppy.

A light colored hound mix sat in the second to last cage. Her big brown eyes had stared up at him for a long moment and before he knew it she was sitting beside him in the adoption room as he signed the papers to bring her home. She was a seven year old stray from West Virginia - scruffy, ruffled, and in Elliot's eyes - perfect.  
She had sniffed him thoroughly, licked his hand twice, and propelled by the force of her wagging tail, jumped into the truck without hesitation. She had made him laugh and he thought that that alone was reason enough for her to become his friend.

Heidi is stretched out at the foot of his bed.

Her $40.00 plush dog couch from Maureen lays six feet from her on the floor. Her head is resting on his shin and her eyes are drooping as he watches her. She looks at him once and cocks her head as if to say, "Come on, old man. Go to sleep."  
He runs his hand over the soft fur on the top of her head and she sighs contentedly, closing her eyes.  
She puts him to sleep.  
The dog has been a God-send and she has taught him a lot about relaxation. He is relaxed now and he thinks it is a miracle because he hd felt so differently this time one year ago.

Back then, he would have over-analyzed his conversation with Olivia. He would have been worried that he had said too much or not enough.  
Now, he knows.  
He is more sure of things now. He is sure that the timing is right. He is sure because she has finally made the decision for herself that he didn't have the chance to. She will walk away from the job and God willing, walk towards him.

She wants to come, he thinks. It is incomprehensible how just by practicing patience, he is being given a chance to spend time with her. Elliot doesn't let himself think further ahead than that.  
Sure, he's got plans that stretch beyond just inviting her here. Plans that include dinners, and bonfires, and trail rides through the open fields. Plans that include " _I love you_ " and " _stay with me_ " and " _please don't ever leave_."  
Longer down the road he's got other plans, too. Plans for their future. Theirs. If she'll let him. If she'll have him.

For right now he focuses on the concrete facts of what he has in front of him.  
Olivia.  
She is quitting the job. Not quitting, resigning. There is grace in the way that she's leaving and he thinks that's right because it is just like everything else she does.  
He will offer her every piece of his life for her to share in. He knows it will take time, but he also knows that by some miracle she trusts him. He wants to make sure she knows that this new part of their lives won't hurt them. It will make them better and stronger.  
It will bring them back together, and that's what has always mattered most.

Their normal, their routine has changed so many times over the last year and he has to show her that this is just another step that they'll take with each other.

It has been too long since he has been beside her. Thanksgiving. A month, he thinks. An entire month. For two people who spent nearly every waking moment of twelve years side by side, her absence from his side still jars him and he's sure it prickles on her skin, too.

He has been back to the city nine times. Nine times in a year and a half. The first three times he returned with remorse coursing through his veins like a monsoon. He thought he would never be able to stop apologizing for what he did. He would never be able to stop apologizing to _her._ Rationally, he knows. He knows it is what the job required of him. He knows Cragen doesn't blame him.

Rationally, he knows that he saved more lives that day than he took, but that had not helped to ease the growing panic inside of him. He killed a child. A young girl. No older than his own daughters. Her life ended that day on the floor of the squad room and he was the one who had pulled the trigger. That is something he has to live with for the rest of his life and he isn't sure that he will ever be able to forgive himself fully. Olivia has tried to release him from every ounce of guilt she could, trying to take on responsibility for it herself.

 _Olivia's arms covered in blood.  
Her dark eyes stark with fear.  
Scrubbing his hands for hours after IAB arrived...until his skin broke open and his own blood mixed with the stain of the girl's. _

He had turned in his resignation three days after the investigation ended. He remembers grasping her light jacket at the elbow and pulling her into the elevator with him, careful not to touch her bare skin. The fault was his and his alone. He wouldn't allow her flesh to crawl with the same guilt that his carried. She said two words. _"I know,_ " and with that her image had dissolved before him. "I know."

She knew he had to go.  
Did she know he didn't want to go without her?  
Did she know he didn't want to leave her?  
Did she know that the guilt and the grief ate him alive, night after night?  
How he'd finalize his divorce less than two months later?  
How he'd question his mental state some thousand odd times?  
Did she know he'd contemplate his own death more often than he'd like to admit?  
How he'd wondered if his children would be better off without him in their lives?  
How his nightmares seeped into his skin and stayed there for weeks on end...

 _Chaos.  
The floor slick with bright red blood. Screams. Screaming.  
She's right behind him and then- and then she's not.  
He pulls the trigger as Olivia lunges forward, falling into Jenna's body. A final beat. His heart. Silence. Stopped. Her heart continues to beat, beating as her life's blood drains from a wound in her chest, right above her heart. A kill shot.  
Liv.  
Screaming himself hoarse and fighting mercilessly as hands clutch at him, holding him back, keeping him from her.  
Her gaze is on him. He falls beside her.  
Liv.  
Olivia.  
God, no. No.  
His white shirt is soaked through, her blood is everywhere. He can't hold her. He can't keep her here with him.  
Stay with me, Liv. Goddamnit, Olivia. Don't leave me.  
He's pleading, screaming, praying, cursing...  
El, she says his name. The same way she's said it thousands and thousands of times.  
It's okay, she whispers and her voice is resolute as if she's made a decision. She uses her last ounce of strength to push his hand away.  
I know, she says, faintly.  
The hands grab at him again and he's screaming her name. Her head falls from his thigh, back onto the tile, her blood spreading through her hair._..

He would wake up gasping for breath and pressing his palms into his eyes until he could see stars. He told himself over and over. That's not the way it happened. _You didn't shoot Liv,_ he told himself. She's _not_ gone. She's not dead. _She's not._ He kept Heidi awake for nights on end as she paced the room, patrolling for an enemy that lived only inside his head.

The dreams were horrific. He didn't think anything could be worse than losing her night after night, but during the long hours awake in the dark, he realized his terror wasn't born from watching her die at his hand. He couldn't shake the creeping concept in the dream that it wasn't her death that affected him so desperately. It was the eerily calm way that she accepted that _he'd let her down._ That he'd been the one to end her life. That he hadn't been able to save her.

The anxiety and desperation piled up inside of him and before he knew it he needed help. A call to a buddy in the service got him an appointment with one of the best psychologists in D.C. The guy was a combat vet - that's all Elliot knew.  
His throat had been tight as hell and his hands had shaken so badly that he couldn't hold the pen to sign himself in at the office. He had gone back outside and thrown up in the parking lot just as his cell phone rang in his pocket. He thought he had silenced the damn thing before getting out of the car, but he was wrong.

 _Liv_.

His screen lit up with her name and he sent her call immediately to voicemail. He couldn't let her hear from him like this. Not when he felt so afraid, so vulnerable, so out of control. He had tossed his phone into his car before pulling himself together enough to walk back into the building. Swallowing hard, he took a seat in front of an ex-Marine and started to shake uncontrollably. Hot waves of embarrassment and shame, denial and pain wracked his body. Years of battling his own mind assaulted him.

Shrinks were for other people.  
He and Olivia - God, did it hurt to think of her - never needed help. They never asked for help with anything. They were better than that, faster than that, stronger than that. They'd never asked a single thing of another person. Never shared the demons inside their heads, even with each other. The years piled up, his childhood, his family, his failed marriage, his children, his partner, the cases, the victims...he found himself retching into the trash can without knowing how he had wound up on his knees.

Once he collected himself, he sat back in the chair across from the therapist. The man had been silent the whole time, letting Elliot take the necessary seconds to breathe. When Elliot sat back in the chair, he eyed the man opposite him checking his wrist watch.  
"Not bad, Stabler. Seven minutes in. Most guys wait till second session to puke on my floor, but I can see you're not one for hesitation." The therapist had cracked through his veneer and Elliot gave a hint of a smile.

"Cody Allen," the shrink introduced himself, extending his big hand toward Elliot and shaking his firmly. Irish. Catholic. It all sounded familiar except for the slight southern accent that tinted his words. Elliot knew he was wounded in combat. A veteran.

"Kabul," Cody said, flexing his left leg in Elliot's direction and lifting the leg of his khakis just enough. "I was doing my third tour. Last one," he gave a grim shake of his head. "Wednesday afternoon patrol. Broad day light. Six of us were out there. I remember the neighborhood kids were kicking a soccer ball around and laughing."

Elliot held his breath because he was sure he knew what came next.

"The car bomb exploded before we knew what was happening. Somewhere behind me and to my left. Lost four of my best guys that day. Good men. Dying right there. Watched three kids bleed out in the street from metal piercing their skin and I couldn't move. I couldn't help. I couldn't get to them. I couldn't feel anything." Cody paused for a moment and swallowed hard. "Spent the next two years going through eight surgeries before becoming bionic," he said, motioning toward his prosthesis with a slight smile. "At least that's what my boys call it."

Elliot made to open his mouth, but Cody continued on.

"I had to relearn everything. How to sit, how to stand, how to balance, to walk - to hold myself up for God's sake. I needed help. I needed to be taught how to move on my own again. I was an otherwise healthy 34 year old guy who moved like a drunk toddler." Cody allowed himself a soft laugh, eliciting a minuscule grin from Elliot, who listened with rapt attention.

He knew about the kind of guys who served on patrol. It took a special brand of bravery to know that every beat of your heart could be your very last. Snipers, suicide bombers, IEDs, and car bombs lurked around every corner of that God-forsaken desert and just because the last patrol came back safe and sound didn't mean you would.

"You married?" The question fell from Elliot's lips before he could stop himself. He had to know that this man who had battled so hard for so long got a denouement worthy of his service.

Cody turned to face Elliot and grinned, "Hey, I'm supposed to be Socrates." He took a step toward his desk and handed Elliot a framed photo.  
"That's my Meg. My wife. I proposed to her the night before I left for my last tour and she stayed by me every minute after I got home. I tried to tell her hundreds of times to find somebody else, somebody whole." Elliot found himself shaking his head in disagreement, but Cody ignored him.

"Thankfully, Meg agreed with you. She's stubborn as all get out," Cody gave a laugh. "One of the things I love the most about her. We're going on six years in October." Cody stood by the window, "She's my heart." He paused for a moment before turning back to meet Elliot's gaze.

"Before I give you my life story, I wanna make a point here. The thing is, Stabler, you've got a choice. Just like the one I had. I had to decide whether I was gonna sit on my ass and feel sorry for myself or was I gonna find some way to help myself and eventually other people. I spent fourteen months learning how to walk again, but more time learning how to live. Thing is, Stabler, I think you already know all the answers."

Elliot pressed his hands down hard onto the arms of his chair. He felt out of control for a moment. He didn't have any answers. He didn't know shit from Shinola. Cody read his expression correctly, "I'm just saying we're on even footing. I'm here to guide you. To be an ear." His expression turned serious for a moment, "There's nothing I haven't heard, all right?"

At first, sitting across from the battle-scarred veteran with the stubborn beautiful wife and sons felt more intimidating than chasing down a perp with loaded weapon. But something in the candid way that the man conversed with him made Elliot comply. He surprised himself when he realized that once he began talking the words kept tumbling from his mouth.

He told the truth. About everything. He had wanted to start with the job since that seemed to be the catalyst of all, but Cody had pushed him further. He'd asked about before the job, before Olivia, before the kids, before the Marines, before Kathy.  
He wanted to know about Elliot's childhood. Elliot had shrugged it off, unsure if there was even much to remember.

Cody gave him time - but not too much time - to think. He realized that he struggled with getting by the notion that there might be issues that came as a direct result of his upbringing.  
He remembered about all the times that he'd goaded a suspect about events from their distant past to get a confession out of them. He'd resisted until his therapist had leaned back in his chair and sighed.

"Stabler, the past has sharp claws. It'll latch on to you in ways you don't even know about at the time. You want to help yourself in the future? You have to look at where you've been and face it head on."

Something in the straightforward way he spoke resounded in Elliot's mind and he started in. It was delicate and difficult at first as he brushed over events that he didn't even remember he'd lived through. He shared vague wisps of memory, tiny puzzle pieces that were part of a bigger picture.

His father's deafening voice, his mother's hysterical tears, his skin sheathed in black and blue marks in the shape of his old man's strong fingers. The deafening sound of his mother's car as it careened forward, stopping in a heap of broken glass and smoke, twisted around a lamp post, the searing pain in his bones as firemen pulled him from the wreckage...he hadn't realized when he'd begun to cry. Elliot called it quits then. How could he keep doing something that continually made him feel weaker and weaker? He thought therapy was supposed to help him, to make him feel better, more in control, more like himself again.

His daughter had saved him. Elizabeth. She had called seven times in two hours and left him voicemails to match.

Only after she threatened to make the drive to him did he call her back. He sat in the restaurant the following afternoon and waited for her. His daughter's blonde hair had skimmed her neck. She'd cut it shorter than he ever remembered it being and her bright eyes were full of a cautious optimism that gave him hope.

"Tell me what's going on, Dad..." Elizabeth had dived in without pretense and for a moment she reminded him of the way Olivia used to talk to him during their first days together.  
He had shaken his head and told her he was fine, but the lie was brittle and his brilliant daughter saw right through.  
"Try again, Dad. Might wanna tell me the truth this time," she said softly, taking a sip of her lemonade.

She sat utterly still while he fidgeted with the paper wrapper on his straw. When he hesitated again, she let him flounder for a few minutes, trying to decide what to tell her. He glanced up at her after a while to see her gaze fixed on something behind him.  
She had moved to stand up and he had caught her hand in his.  
"Liz, where you going?" He asked her and she had lowered herself back into her seat.

"Listen Dad, I get that you don't wanna talk to me. I'm your kid and even though I'm eighteen you're still going to try to trying to protect me from whatever you're fighting." She paused then, brushing her bangs from her eyes, "I just don't think this is something you can fight alone."

She arose from her seat again and squeezing his shoulder with her hand, she moved away from their table.  
He was left bereft for only a moment, trying to decipher his daughter's departure when she started back towards him with someone in tow. He didn't look up as they stood beside the table.

Elizabeth's hand held the visitor's arm and she pressed them into the seat which she had just vacated. He found that he couldn't look across the table and so he fixed his gaze on his daughter as she fumbled with her bag.

"Lizzie-" he began, but found his voice wasn't working.  
"I gotta get to class, Dad," she had said breezily, as if she hadn't just changed the tilt of the world on it's axis. "I love you," she said, pressing a swift kiss to his cheek. She was gone before he could pull her to him.

Olivia graced him with endless minutes to sit in silence before she stood up. The loss of her presence across from him was disorienting enough to make him look up at her. He saw her take a deep breath.  
"You want to go for a walk with me?" She had asked, motioning toward the door. He hadn't trusted himself to speak so he had simply nodded, his jaw tight. He let her steer him outside with the feeling of her palm pressed against his back.

The late August sunlight dappled the sidewalk and made the trees' shadows dance in the light breeze. He had made a sound low in his throat and he felt her gaze was him.

"How many times you think we've been down this street?" He asked her. Olivia tilted her head and glanced at him. "I can't even count. What are you thinking?" She asked him, gently.  
He had been silent for a full minute. "Never knew there were trees along here."

He heard her soft intake of breath and he knew he didn't have to explain himself. They had walked this street hundreds of times over the years on the job. The concrete had always been the focus, the blood, the evidence, the body that laid on the solid ground. He had never looked up before.

"I can't have my kid worrying about me, Liv. That's not her job," Elliot rasped, exhausted.  
"You can't control that, El," Olivia interjected, her voice was gentle.  
"Like hell, I can't..." he growled, lapsing into silence once more and sitting down next to her on a bench. His knee had bumped into hers exactly three times before God took mercy on him. He grit his teeth and spit the words to the ground, "I can go back."  
Olivia sat quietly.  
"I can go back to therapy. For her, for-" his voice cut out. He'd wanted to say: _For you._ "She won't have to worry about me, then. I can do it."

Olivia had looked over at him and her dark eyes, though the polar opposite of his daughter's, held onto the same tiny sliver of hope. He couldn't be sure what all these women in his life were waiting for, but their belief in him gave him enough buoyancy to move forward.


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Note:** Thank you to everyone who took the time to read and review! Your feedback is so appreciated. Let's keep going...

* * *

He made good on his word.  
Without an ounce of dignity left, he had sat down in the chair across from the psychologist, his aching head in his hands and he cried.

 _Purging,_ he thought before he began talking.

A multitude of sessions in and the weight was lifting. He and Olivia had been wrong. There was something to this - _this_ \- asking for help. Seeking from another person. With each visit, he left every shard of his pride and every preconceived notion of how only weak people went for counseling behind.

He talked about Kathy, about how hard he had fought to preserve his marriage. He prayed that God would forgive him because the ring he used to wear proudly had become like a noose around his neck and he was being strangled by everything that he couldn't provide for his wife. He loved Kathy - hell yes. He was sure that he always would.

The mother of his children had held their family together more times than Elliot could count and she had provided them with the most stable upbringing possible. When he began talking about his children, he felt like the knot inside his chest was loosening. He realized that he couldn't speak of them without feeling proud. Despite all the turmoil in his relationship with Kathy, they had always striven to keep their children's lives untouched.

He talked about how amazing all five of them were and how different they had all grown up to be.  
Maureen with that infectious laugh, Kathleen and her unending creativity, Dickie and his killer grin, Elizabeth with her grace-filled confidence, and Eli - all movement and fun.  
He began to see his marriage and his children's lives not as a failure, but as a success. He and Kathy had stayed together long enough to raised four honest, intelligent, compassionate children and that would always be more than enough.

He talked about the job, the vics, the blood on his hands. He talked about the shooting and the nightmares, about Jenna.  
He talked about Olivia, how responsible he felt for her, how their connection sometimes felt like the only lifeline he had left in the world. Over the years, the connection between them had frayed and mended more times than he could count, but they always ended up back where they began - together.

This time was different. This time he couldn't go back. The squad room was no longer the place for him. His desk didn't belong to him anymore. His badge meant nothing. The cases were no longer his - no longer _theirs._ With each appointment, Elliot began to see just how much the job had taken from him for more than a decade.

 _No._ He had to take responsibility- how much he had _allowed_ the job to take from him.

Somewhere along the line of the last twelve years he had lost himself - or even more frightening to consider, maybe he had never gotten to know himself in the first place. His personality suited the job - he saw almost all of the world in black and white.  
The job was like that. There were clear cut answers, right and wrong, cops and civilians, perps and vices. He never bothered to take a look at anything outside of the stark and monochromatic world in which he lived.

He thrived on the routine until he didn't. He liked the monotony and the predictability until it became crushingly clear that he had been wrong and nothing was predictable.  
Olivia had been the first one to show him that predictability didn't exist. When their partnership had been jeopardized, she had run.  
The bruising loss of her had weighed so heavily on his chest that sometimes he felt like he couldn't breathe.

He had convinced himself that he had disappointed her somehow. That she had needed more from him than he was ever going to be able to give her.  
He had failed her, he was certain.  
Now the look in her eyes from across the bloody tile floor haunted him and this time he had been the one to leave. Not that there had been a choice. They knew the drill and he had fled from the scrutiny, the evaluations, the accusatory glares that he had gone too far and crossed that slender line one final time.

"Call her."  
That had been Cody's suggestion. Elliot had narrowed his eyes and shaken his head. "I can't." The negative response falling automatically from his lips.  
"Why not?"  
"I can't ask her- I can't talk to her 'bout this kind of thing."  
"Have you ever tried?"  
"No."  
 _Sealview, tossing the offending case file onto the floor and losing control as the early morning light filled the deserted squad room,_ _her blood blooming beneath her fingertips as she fell to the floor of the bus station, her forearm gashed with the sharp edge of a knife-  
_ "No."

His therapist gave him a moment then, "Don't you think that if you have all of these memories inside of you that Olivia feels the weight of her own?"  
"That's why I can't burden her with mine-" Elliot had started in, angrily.  
"Who says you're burdening her? Has Olivia ever made you feel that way?"  
"'Course not.  
"Then who?"

He swallowed, realizing the truth. "I do. I won't reach out." The blurred picture was becoming clearer. Twelve years. More than a decade of emotions: panic, fight, adrenaline, indignation, compassion, love. He had allowed himself to skim over that last one for so long, but now...

"She's not my partner anymore," he said, voicing his anxiety for the first time out loud.  
"She's always gonna be your partner."  
"She's not. She's got some new kid. Hotshot." He gritted his teeth because every second he wasn't watching her back felt like she was slipping further from him.

Cody had sighed, "It's not that simple and I think you know it. Just because you're not on the streets with her doesn't mean she isn't your partner. You'll be her partner for life, Stabler. Semper Fi doesn't change based on proximity."

Elliot had leaned back then, his racing mind coming to a standstill.  
Maybe it was that simple. Maybe he didn't have to give her up. Maybe...

"How long has it been since she's heard from you?" Cody asked, his elbows on his knees.  
 _Two weeks, three days..._ He shrugged _.  
_ Cody scrutinized him for a moment, not as a shrink, but as a friend. "Too long then, you think? Call her, Elliot. Talk to her."

Elliot bowed his head, then and nodded. Cody had asked basic questions of him about his partnership with Olivia, but Elliot was sure Cody knew that he couldn't touch the surface of what she meant to him. Elliot respected the hell out of Cody. The man had never once given him that familiar insinuating stare that nearly every other person, man or woman, gave him when he spoke of her as his partner.

Talking about his...relationship with Olivia was easier with Cody. He knew the ex-Marine understood the bonds between two people who have faced unimaginable horrors side-by-side more than once and lived to tell the tale. He felt so indistinguishably bound to her in ways that frustrated logic and all understanding in the light of day.  
It was more than a friendship or a working relationship. It was a partnership in the most primitive sense of the word.

And now...now without the delineating terms of the job keeping him in place, Elliot felt like his right to be beside her was fading. He no longer had a spot in her world and he desperately wanted her to be a fundamental part of his.

"Call her, Stabler. There's something about that woman that is good for you. Be honest with her. Tell her the truth."

He had heeded Cody's advice and called her the following night. He had chewed on his bottom lip until he tasted blood, tossed his cell phone across the bed, taken Heidi out for an exhausting run, and returned to a message from his daughter.

Kathleen would be the one to save him this time.

His hands shook from fatigue and nerves as he pressed the playback button on his phone, waiting to hear his child's voice.

"Hey Dad, It's me. Can you give me a call back when you get a chance? Nothing's wrong..." He felt himself sinking back onto the bed. "I just need to ask you something. Thanks Dad. Bye."  
He pressed the call back button before her voice faded from his ears.

"Hey," his daughter answered, "Hang on, I just got back to my place." He could hear her fumbling with her bag as she closed the door.  
"You lock it?" He asked before he could help himself and he could hear Kathleen's exasperated sigh on the other end of the line.  
"Yes, Detective Stabl-," she started before giving the smallest gasp. "Shit Dad. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to say-"  
Elliot brushed her apology away and rubbed his eyes. "It's okay, baby. It's gonna take some time to get used to."  
"Yeah, but-"

"What do you need, hon?" Elliot asked, maneuvering past her words without any tact.  
Kathleen sighed, "Do you remember my friend, Rob?"  
Elliot racked his brain, "Rob...yeah...forensic pathology kid?"  
He could hear a lilt of a smile in his daughter's voice when she spoke again and he wondered what he did to make that happen.  
"Yes. He is looking for a clinical internship for next semester and I told him I would ask you - about...about Melinda. Liv told me it was okay, but we wanted to run it by you first."

His concentration failed him because his daughter had given him too much to process at once. She was coming to him for information. She had already talked to Olivia. She trusted his partner. She considered the work he did important enough to tell her friends what her old man did for a living. She didn't see him as washed up or old news. She saw him as someone who could help her...

"Dad, do you think you can call Melinda for Rob?"

Elliot was silent for so long that he could hear Kathleen's breathing. She started speaking again before he could open his mouth, "I mean, it's okay if not, Dad. Liv said that she wouldn't mind, but we wanted to ask you first-" she spoke quickly the second time around.

He had to find some way to explain to his child that his silence was not a dismissal of her request, but a disbelief in her faith in him to begin with.  
"You know I love you, right?" The words fell from his lips before he could hold them back.

He heard Kathleen's surprised laughter on the other end of the line. "Yeah, yeah. Who doesn't?" she quipped, amused. He could hear her grin through the phone and it calmed him. She said nothing more and suddenly he was finished holding back.  
Refraining from saying what was important and what really mattered hadn't ever landed him anywhere that was helpful.

"I'll call Melinda first thing in the morning. She's due to hear from me anyway."  
Kathleen's voice was soft in his ear, "Thanks Dad. I appreciate it."  
"No problem, kid."  
Just as Elliot thought their conversation had ended, he heard her once more.  
"Dad?"  
"Yeah hon?"  
Her voice was small, "Have you- have you talked to Liv lately?"

He bowed his head and pressed his hand into Heidi's fur. "Was gonna call her tonight," he admitted, knowing that his daughter could hear everything he wasn't saying.

"Oh, okay. Yeah, that's- that's good, Dad. She just - she just seems like she misses you." Kathleen words gave him the last piece of the puzzle that he'd been trying so hard to put together.  
"I miss her," he told Kathleen, truthfully. His daughter's friendship with Olivia wasn't anything new, but it had never failed to remain sacred in his mind.

"I'm gonna hang up so you can call her, Dad."  
"Hey, you don't haveta-"  
"I know I don't haveta," she said, thickening her voice with his accent to make him smirk. "Thanks for your help with Melinda, Dad. I'll talk to you soon."  
"'Course, hon-"  
"Promise me you're gonna hang up with me and call her right now?"

The girl was good. She knew he would never break a promise to her, so long as he could help it.  
"I'm calling her now," he said, with a sigh for emphasis.  
"Good. Love you. Bye." His daughter hung up on a rushed breath and left him with the dial tone beeping in his ear.

* * *

"Hey. You okay?" Olivia had asked, picking up on the first ring.  
He could hear her footsteps on concrete stairs and the tentativeness in her voice. She gave him more than a minute of silence and he listened as she climbed into her car and closed the door with a snap. He heard the click of the lock and he swallowed hard. He had reminded her to lock herself in thousands of times and he was glad to hear that she hadn't stopped abiding by his reminder simply because he wasn't beside her in the front seat.

"You going home?" He had asked.  
"Yeah, early night," and he heard her slight smile as he glanced at the clock behind him.  
7:46pm. She was right.  
For them, for the life he used to live - it was considered an early night. He hoped that the calls would stop for one evening to give her a moment of time to herself. He could hear in her breathing how she was her biding her time on the line with him, unsure of what he needed from her and unsure of herself.  
 _Fuck._  
This was the last time he would ever allow her to feel like he was a ticking time bomb. This was the last time he would ever have to hear the hesitancy in her voice. He was gonna erase every damned perimeter they had ever set up around themselves and each other and he had to start now.

"You think we can talk?" He rasped out, swallowing hard. He heard her inhale and her exhale never came. She was holding her breath.  
"Sure, El. What's goin-"  
He cut her off, "Nothing's going on. I just- I just have to start to talk to you about stuff. 'Bout everything."  
He wished he could be more articulate, eloquent, better at explaining. God knows he owed her far more than his stumbling words, but he figured she knew him better than anyone on the planet and she never expected anything more from him than exactly what he is.

She took a deep breath this time. "I've been thinking, too. I had lunch with Leen yesterday and she told me about how well your sessions are going. You should've seen her face. She's proud of you. I am, too."

For the seventeen thousandth time in the last twelve years, she took away his ability to speak. He could hear the tentativeness in her tone as she plunged on. "El? Do you - do you think it'll be easier for you if I go to talk to someone?"

He couldn't see. The sight of Heidi blurred in front of him. The gift she had just offered to him felt indescribable. "Don't want you to do it for me, Liv," he said, fighting to get his voice out. "If you need to talk to somebody, I want you to do it for you."

It was his turn to let her sit in reticence. "I think I'm ready," she said softly, her voice sounded watery. "It's so different now, El. Everything has changed. The job, the routine. It's all okay," she reassured him. "But it's different."

He wanted to speak, to break into her monologue, but the pain that he could hear creeping in on the edge of her voice held him a captive listener. "I'm different- I'm- I miss you-" The sound of her sob sliced through him like a knife. "God, I'm sorry, El," she whispered immediately, on a broken hush, "I don't mean to cry. I shouldn't have-"  
"Olivia-"  
"You called me to talk about something and here I am acting like a kid."  
She was brushing away her feelings, her emotions. That was exactly what he wanted them to avoid.  
"Liv-"  
"How was your day? Did Leen talk to you about Rob?" She skirted his words again.  
This volleying back and forth but never really getting anywhere belonged to who they used to be and he couldn't allow it into their new world. It had to stay behind.

"Olivia," he tried once more, holding an even breath.  
He could hear her tears again and they triggered his own. He listened to her sob for endless minutes until he couldn't be sure of which of them was crying. Their welfare had always been connected and he thought it fitting that he couldn't separate her pain from his own.  
"You driving?" He finally asked her, his voice thick with emotion.

"N-no," she whimpered, shakily. The gentle sound of her hiccup cracked through his chest and made his lips quirk upwards. He knew a few things with certainty: she hadn't eaten dinner yet, she was sitting outside of her apartment, and he was sure that she was holding herself, her slim arms wrapped tightly around her waist. He wanted to slide his hands over her arms, her skin chilled by the late September dusk. He wanted her back pressed against his chest instead of against the seat of the car. He wanted the feeling of her hair, damp from her tears, fanned out against his shoulder. He wanted-

"El,"  
"We're not doing this anymore, Liv."  
"Not doing what?" She asked, her voice half-asleep.  
"We're not bottling it all up for years and not talking," he explained. This was something he felt like he could do, something he could control. The knowledge that she needed him just as much as he needed her spurred him into action.

"Been two weeks and four days since I last heard your voice and I thought about you every minute." He heard the smallest sound of heartache that sounded like " _I know._ "  
He pushed ahead, not waiting for her response, not giving her time to analyze his words.  
They needed each other.  
It was that simple. He could do with some simple. They both could.

"Every night. Every night I'm gonna call you and we're gonna talk, okay? Even if you don't have anything to say. Even if you just cry - or hell, I cry - we're gonna do this, okay? We're gonna tell each other stuff, all right? We need to, Liv. We need to-'cause I need to start being honest with you."

She gave him the softest sound of acceptance in his ear and he was sure that she was nodding. "You're right, El."  
"Can I get that in writing?" He asked, trying to make her smile and when he elicited her musical laugh he felt stronger.

"You going up to your place?" He heard her gathering her bag and jacket from the backseat.  
"Yeah. I'll stay on with you till I get in," she answered, stealing his line.  
He cracked his neck and forced himself to sit up straight on the bed, stretching his back.  
"Sounds like you need a chiropractor." God, did she make him smile.

He heard her door close then and her lock turn, the thump of her bag hitting the floor, and her shoes kicked off against the wall. The sound of her lights turning on and running water met his ears.  
"You all good?" He rumbled.  
"I'm all good," she answered and the telltale beeping of the microwave told him she was heating up leftovers.

"I'm gonna hang up now, Liv. Let you eat," he told her.  
In eight words, God answered his prayers.  
"Don't you wanna have dinner with me, Stabler?"


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's note** : Thank you all so much for taking time to read and review! Your feedback means the world to me and I'm so glad that you are enjoying this story. It has lived inside my head for a long, long time. There's more coming...I promise.

* * *

The jingling sound of Heidi's collar wakes him from his dozing. His dog slips down from the bed and slides slightly on the wooden floor.

"Whatsamatter Hei?" He rumbles and then he hears it, too. The sound of the floorboards creaking just beyond his closed bedroom door.  
He rubs his hand over his face and glances over at the illuminated numbers of the clock.  
11:08pm.  
He is sure it's Eli again. He sits on the side of the bed and is just about to stand when he hears the soft knock.

"Dad?" Kathleen opens the door halfway.  
"You okay, hon?" Elliot asks her, squinting at her in the dim light. His daughter's blonde hair is piled in a ponytail on the top of her head and she has a blanket wrapped around her shoulders. She nods and leans up against the door frame.  
He watches her for a moment and she surprises him when she doesn't fidget under his observation "You wanna come in, Leen?" He asks, quietly. Kathleen shakes her head and a tired smile crosses her face.

"I'm good. I just wanted to make sure you didn't fall asleep with the light on again." He wants to laugh, but it comes out as a yawn and makes Kathleen smirk. "Yeah, your old man's good for that," he says, recalling three nights ago when he had awoken to his daughter slipping his reading glasses from his face and turning off his bedside lamp.  
His daughter is gazing at him and her pale eyes are ethereal. She has something else she wants to say and he has to let her have her chance. He can't jump to conclusions or crowd her. He has got to let her speak on her own.

"Are you gonna be okay here when we leave?" She asks shyly, clutching the fleece blanket closer around herself. He swallows hard. For the second time tonight, he is rendered speechless by a woman he loves.

"You worried 'bout me?" He asks her gently, worrying his bottom lip as his daughter's fingers tangle in her blanket.  
Kathleen tilts her head to the side. "No," she answers him and he can see the honesty in her face. "I'm just checking. I don't want you to be here alone."

Heidi cocks her head toward Kathleen then and Elliot has to chuckle at his dog's perfect timing. He laughs quietly. "See? I'm not alone," he says as he motions toward the hound laying near his daughter. Kathleen sinks slightly in her stance and shifts on her feet.

"You know what I mean..." she sighs with the tiniest bit of exasperation.  
For a moment, he debates telling her about Liv. About what she told him less than an hour ago. About how she's leaving the job behind and driving South.  
How she's coming to stay with him for a little while...something holds him back.  
Technically, it isn't his news to tell and she'd handed her resignation in to Cragen only this evening. He is sure that his child would rather hear the announcement coming from Olivia, herself.

"I'm gonna be fine, baby." Elliot assures her, meeting Kathleen's concerned gaze once more. His daughter nods and he can see her visibly relax in the way that she is holding herself.  
She glances out the window at the snow for a moment before she reads his mind, "You talked to Liv?"

For an instant, he allows himself to take all of this in. He is sitting on his bed at a quarter after eleven, the night is silent save for the sound of the snow bouncing off the glass of the window. His daughter is standing before him bundled up in a sweatshirt and bare feet on the cold floor. For a moment he feels like she is a child again, marching around the house wrapped up in her princess cape. He loves all of the nuances of the young woman standing before him.

Over the last eight days he has spent most of his time with his daughter by his side. He loves how she wrinkles her nose and rolls her eyes when she finds something funny, how she talks with her hands, how passionate she is about every subject that crosses her mind, how protective she is of Eli. He has noticed that each and every time his daughter says Olivia's name she seems to light up from the inside out. His daughter's admiration for the woman he calls his partner has only increased as their friendship blossomed and she got to know the woman behind the badge.

He nods to answer her, "Yeah."  
"Is she okay?"  
He nods again and he can't hide his smile, "Yes."

His daughter is much too quick for him, "What?" She asks, smiling. "What's going on?"  
"Nothing," he shakes his head and tries unsuccessfully to wipe the grin from his face, but he is laughing before he can stop himself. His daughter bites her lip and sways slightly on her feet. "Somebody's got a secret..." she croons and it is his turn to roll his eyes at her in amusement.  
He can't lie to his kid.

"I'm gonna let Liv tell you, okay?" He can tell from her expression that she is taken aback by his response. She hadn't expected him to answer at all, but if the last year has taught him anything it is the importance of openness. He is rewarded for his honesty when his daughter takes a step toward him and presses a light kiss to his cheek.  
"I'm glad," she says cryptically, slipping silently past Heidi and down the hall to her room. Elliot hears the soft click of her door, closing herself safely inside.  
He sighs then and thinks that he is glad, too.

* * *

Elliot awoke at the first light. The dawn was bright and bitter and slant of the sun cast rainbows out over on the shimmering powder. He pulled on some sweats before nodding to Heidi, who followed him downstairs. His dog wiggled wiggled past him as soon as he opened the door and he laughed when she leapt from the porch and landed directly in a pile of snow. He set to work shoveling the sidewalk then.

The snow was heavy and the driveway was too long for him to do it all by hand. He had to break out his new Christmas gift from the kids. A snow blower. He'd stubbornly insisted that he didn't need one, but he had to admit that it would take him a lot less time. And it would save his back.

Heidi had stood on the lawn and watched him navigate his new contraption for a few moments before racing off through the snow. He had tried to take Heidi inside three times over the course of the hour, but she simply wasn't having it. Every time he got close enough to try and coax her toward him, she had darted away, barking happily and zooming across the landscape.  
He had let her run.  
When Heidi was newly his dog, he had worried about how quickly she darted over the property. He had been anxious about her losing her way on the land and being unable to find herself back to the house. He knows better now and he doesn't worry about her leaving. He has learned it is the desire to return that matters.

There are times when images of the life he lead in New York come back to him as plainly as if he is standing in the squad room. But now there are other moments, too. Moments like last night with Kathleen. His daughter is calmer than he has ever seen her. She seems to have found her place in the world and he is sure it's only by the grace of God that she continues to invite him into her life.

Moments like Christmas Eve when he had looked over from where he stood at the kitchen sink to see Eli making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for Santa. His kid is nothing if not thoughtful. These days he doesn't let the moments pass without appreciating what they hold.

Now, he stands in the middle of a dazzling white dawn and breathes. His dog is frolicking across the new snow that covers the five acres to his name. He grins to himself when he thinks about how his dog has shown him that this is the way everyone is are supposed to live; with space, time, and freedom.

Elliot's sweatpants are frozen against his shins and when he looks down he sees that Heidi is sitting by his side, watching the sky. He reaches over with his gloved hand to pat her head and she is off again, dashing in circles around him. He is laughing so hard that he lets himself sink into his knees in the deep snow. The cold doesn't register to him, but his sense of peace does. _Peace._

It is baffling to him that fourteen months ago, this place had simply been somewhere that he had slept at night. He had rented the house out of necessity, never having any reason to believe that he would come to own the property.  
 _Times change..._  
The house felt more like a home to him than his family's place in Queens ever had. He has tried not to read into that too much, but he equated the feeling to finally being able to breathe. The house is old, built in 1890. The previous owners had updated it about ten years ago and he has done some work on it since then. He replaced some wiring and some pipes, knocked down a couple of walls, painted, and torn down some old wallpaper. The house had given him a project and a place to belong.

Over the months, it became less of a shelter and more of a sanctuary. The fact that his children were comfortable in the house had just been a bonus. They had visited one by one over the last year and when they came to see what their father was working to create out of an old farm house in Virginia, they had all miraculously wanted to be a part of it. He has spent more time with his children over the last year than ever before and the irony doesn't escape him that all he had to do was leave his life in Manhattan behind to truly begin to live.

* * *

He pauses for a moment to watch the steam billow from his mug. It is still early and the chill is not unbearable. He slides the glass door behind him closed and moves to lean against the railing of the covered porch. His left hand brushes the wood free from the sprinkling of the snow and he lets his weight settle onto his forearms.

He can feel Heidi leaning against his leg as she peeks through the rungs of the porch, looking for squirrels to chase. The birds aren't even awake yet and the quiet permeates everything. He is forever struck by the silence out here. He hadn't realized just how noisy the city truly was until he left. He thinks he has become quieter over the last year, in more ways than one.

He looks to his left, to the snow piled high on the steps and thinks about how grateful he is for the snow tires he had put on the Tundra last month. They will help him to power through the heavy powder. Even though he has a drive ahead of him, he is reluctant to start to pack the truck.

Last night he had assured Kathleen he will be fine when they returned to New York and now he is reassuring himself. The time with his children is precious and he hasn't taken an instant of the last week for granted.

A gentle tap on the window behind him makes him turn around. His daughter stands at the glass, motioning to her cup of coffee and when she sees his own mug, she moves to slide the door open. "You need a refill, Dad?" She asks, pulling her sweater around her slight frame.  
"I'm good. Thanks hon," Elliot replies. He watches as his daughter closes the door behind her and comes to stand next to him.

"Little guy is all packed," she says, her breath turning visible in the air.  
He takes a sip of his coffee and nods in acknowledgement. "You think I should tell him to keep some of his new stuff here? The kid's got more toys than Carter has liver pills," Elliot muses out loud.  
Beside him Kathleen swallows her coffee hard and gives a sputtering laugh, "What the hell did you just say?"  
Elliot grins at the sound of her laughter and waits for her crack about how he is old and his vernacular is outdated.

Instead, she just looks up at him through her blonde bangs and smiles, shaking her head. They lapse into silence once more and Elliot breathes beside her. He no longer feels the compulsion to fill Kathleen's lulls with questions.  
He simply lets her be now because he knows that, by some miracle, she'll talk to him if she needs something. He is about to tell her what it means to him to have her out here when she moves to his right and reaches up to touch the icicles hanging from the awning.  
"It's beautiful here, Dad," she says. "I'm really happy that I came."

He is lucky that his daughter has gotten to know him so well because he can't look at her right now and she isn't seeking his gaze. He has just been given more than he ever thought was possible. A little over a year ago, he felt like he had lost everything. The reality is that he has gained so much.

He had spent Thanksgiving with Maureen and the rest of his children at her apartment in New Brunswick. As soon as their respective Christmas breaks had begun, the twins had driven down and spent four days with him. Liz had supplied him with enough meals to last until Easter and Dickie's stories about his ROTC training had brought back memories of his time in the service. Eli's visit brought infectious giggles and wet snow piles tracked through the house and Kathleen's desire to spend the Christmas holiday with him had been the biggest gift of all.

"When do you go back to work?" His daughter asks now, settling herself against the railing beside him. Her hair flutters in the slightest breeze and brushes against her cheek. Elliot reaches over and pushes the stray lock behind her ear.  
"Wednesday," he answers her.  
As much as he knows he is going to miss the hum of his children's presence around the house, he is ready to get back to work after the holiday. The job has been a God-send...

Cody had come into one of Elliot's therapy sessions late last October and handed him a file folder. "You looking for a job, Stabler?"  
"Sure as hell not ready to retire," Elliot had answered and when Cody gestured to the folder in his lap, he took a look at the information that had been supplied. Cody gave him a second to read before he began to explain.

"The Marine Corps headquarters in Arlington is looking for a new coordinator for their SAPR program. The Sexual Assault Prevention and Response Program. They work to help victims and promote training and awareness." He stopped speaking and looked at Elliot then.  
"You and I both know they do a hell of a lot more than that. That's the Reader's Digest Version. Could use a good man like you, Stabler. You'd be an asset. Or that's what I told them."

Elliot had looked up from the pages before him and met Cody's eyes. Over the months that Elliot had gotten to know him, Cody had become a friend and his unfailing faith in Elliot's abilities had made him feel capable for the first time since he left Manhattan.  
He had nodded then, "I'll think about it."  
Cody had grinned, "Good. 'Cause you've got an interview on Monday."  
"What?" Elliot growled.

Cody held up his hands in mock surrender, "Hang on, Stabler. The guy who's doing the hiring and I go way back. He trusts me, see? He's been searching for the right person for this job for a long time."  
"And you think that's me?" Elliot had asked, disbelief swirling in his mind.  
Cody nodded. "Yep. All the years of experience you've got? It's unbeatable, Elliot. You can't manufacture that kind of understanding. You've got a unique perspective that's one in a million. I think you could do a whole lotta good for a whole lot of people. Change people's minds. Educate them."

He thinks he has been able to do just that.  
In the year since he took the position, he has helped to pass two pieces of educational material designed to aid in the reporting process of sexual assault in the Marine Corps. This job isn't better or easier than the one he had left at the 1-6 - it's different. He has regular hours now. He leaves for work at 6:00am and gets home by 6pm.  
It's different now because even though he doesn't always see the faces of the victims, he knows they're there.  
He is hoping that the work he does will amount to something.  
That service members giving of their lives for this country will someday have one less thing to worry about when sexual assault is better understood and eradicated from the ranks once and for all.

Heidi moves against his leg and he watches as she makes her way toward the sliding door. Elliot laughs when he sees his son's little face pressed up against the glass inside the kitchen. Heidi inspects Eli for a moment before she presses her nose against the outside of the glass, her tail wagging furiously. Nose to nose. His kid and his dog. Too much.

Kathleen sighs heavily, but she can't fully stop the laughter that bubbles from her. "You've got a weird dog, Dad."  
Elliot looks at her, grinning. "Dog? I'm more concerned about the kid." His daughter smiles then and shakes her head as she brushes past him, scratching Heidi behind her ears.

* * *

"Who's gonna let Heidi out?" Elliot turns to glance over his shoulder at Kathleen. His daughter stands to his right, waiting to hand him the cooler.  
"Cody's wife Meg is gonna bring the kids over tonight and tomorrow morning to play with her. I'll be home by noon."

He has rearranged the car three times now and he thinks at this rate they'll get back to New York sometime next Tuesday. He is going to stay on Kathleen's couch tonight and get on the road early tomorrow morning.

"Hey Dad! Daddy! Can Heidi come with us?" Eli yells from across the yard. He has been trying to follow Heidi through the deep trails that her tracks have made and his little legs aren't long enough.  
"Buddy, Hei's gotta stay here. It's too long for her to be cooped up in the car. Besides, don't think there's enough room in here for you, let alone Heidi girl."

"Uh oh, looks like we're gonna have to strap you to the roof," Kathleen laughs, picking her way through the snow to scoop up her brother. Eli's face lights up at Kathleen's comment and Elliot is afraid that his son has taken it as more of a suggestion.

"Nobody's riding on the roof," he says, emerging from the packed rear seat. Eli's portable DVD player and his snacks are now within reach of his car seat. Heidi kisses Eli's face as he pulls her to him in a giant hug. "Love you, Heidi," Eli croons as Elliot picks him up and lifts him into the truck. "Heidi loves you, bud," Elliot tells him as he buckles his son into his booster seat.

Eli's little hand lands on Elliot's cheek and force him to look up into the blue of his baby's eyes. "Heidi loves you too, Daddy," Eli's little face is deeply serious. Elliot isn't sure why he feels a prickle of emotion, but he buries his face into his son's curls for a moment and kisses the top of his head.  
"Love you, kid," he rumbles. "Love you, Daddy!" Eli answers automatically, reaching across the seat for his crayons.

"Be right back, pal." Elliot emerges from the back of the truck once more. He looks to his right and sees his daughter leaving a soft kiss on his dog's fur before she makes her way toward him. "You ready?" He asks her and he is surprised when she doesn't meet his gaze.  
"You okay?" He bends down to look at her. Kathleen looks up at him, wiping her eyes.  
"I'm fine," she says quickly, brushing the moment away. He has her arm then and he is pulling her toward him.

Neither one of them says anything, but he thinks that they both understand and for now this has got to be enough. "You can come back anytime," he whispers into her hair and his daughter gives a little shuddering nod against him.  
"I know. It's just- I'm gonna miss this. And you."

He knows if he allows himself time to think about his daughter's words he is going to lose control. His children are magnificent and he loves them ferociously.  
He won't ever be able to go back to a life lived without their constant presence. He doesn't want to.  
He breathes against Kathleen, pressing a kiss to her forehead. He knows that she understands why he can't speak and she absolves him of the need to do so.  
She opens the door of the truck and climbs inside.

Heidi is sitting on the floor beside his work bench.  
"C'mon Hei," he calls to her softly, touching her head. She follows him inside and immediately hops up on the couch. She cocks her head and gazes at him with those all-knowing eyes. He worries his bottom lip as he kneels down before her. He never understood people who said they had a hard time leaving their pets until he met this dog.

"I'll be home tomorrow, babe. The boys are coming over to see you later, okay?" He kisses her head softly and turns on the tv, wiping his eyes on his sweatshirt sleeve. _Getting soft_ , he thinks and he doesn't necessarily find it a bad thing.

"How 'bout Clemson?" Elliot asks her, changing the channel to their favorite: college football. Heidi gives an affirmative bark and straightens up on the couch, turning her attention toward the game. "Tigers it is," he says, placing the remote on the arm rest beside her. Heidi nudges his hand and he scratches her chest. "I'll be back tomorrow. By noon. I promise," he reassures her.

He kisses her head once more and he leaves the kitchen light on when he closes the door.


	5. Chapter 5

**Author's Note:** Thank you (again!) for your continued support and feedback for this story.  
I've written for both SVU and other fandoms for years, but this is the first time I've published anything directly SVU-related on my own. It has been daunting as all get out and I appreciate your time so much! I know that my writing takes on a different style than most and I'm so grateful that so many of you have chosen to follow along on this journey.

* * *

It has been more than a month since he has driven North.

Thanksgiving had been a packed affair at Maureen's place in New Brunswick. All of his children had crowded into his oldest daughter's condo and filled the kitchen with laughter and conversation. The tryptophan had been too much for Eli and he fell asleep right at the table, amidst the plates of pumpkin pie. Elliot had scooped his youngest up in his arms and taken Eli upstairs to nap in Maureen's bedroom.

After spending so much of his time alone over the last year, the buzz of his children's voices was the most welcome sound. He had situated himself in the living room on his daughter's couch, sat back, and watched.

All four of his grown children (plus Maureen's longtime boyfriend, Todd) moved around the tiny kitchen in a chaotic sort of together-ness. It was a rarity that they were all able to meet for a few hours and Elliot hadn't wanted to miss a minute of it.

Kathy had stopped by for a few hours earlier in the day to help Maureen prepare dinner. Navigating the kitchen beside the woman he used to call his wife hadn't stirred up any difficult feelings. Elliot had watched his children obsessively for any sign that they were uncomfortable with their parents' new lives, but there was none to be found. He had hugged Kathy goodbye when she left for her sister's place and the guilt he was so used to feeling hadn't crept over his skin.

Maureen banished everyone except Elizabeth from the kitchen and soon he was sharing the couch with Dickie and Todd as they watched the Redskins beat the Cowboys.

Kathleen had put together a gorgeous place setting and had snapped candid photos throughout the day on her new phone. He loved the sense of family that had pervaded the entire day. The occasion was bittersweet as he thought about all of the Thanksgiving holidays he had been physically present for, but mentally absent from.

He no longer wonders about what he has missed because he sees what is happening right in front of him.

Maureen caught his eye before he had finished filling his plate with food. He had set it on the counter and moved out onto the deck with his daughter. She had looked at him for a long moment and in that instant, he had felt clairvoyant. He predicted her words before she uttered them.

"Is Liv all right?"

His chest had ached then, for the thoughtfulness of both his daughter and his partner. Maureen had called him a week before Thanksgiving to ask him if she could invite Olivia for their dinner.

She had taken his breath away with her consideration and he gave her his blessing and more to talk to Olivia.  
He had also told Maureen not to get her hopes up. Olivia's protectiveness of his family's time together still bordered on obsession and he told his daughter not to take it personally if Olivia said no.

God, he wanted her to come.

For a little while, he had let himself indulge in the idea that she would accept the invitation. She would have sat across from him at the table, next to Eli. She would have ended up with mashed potatoes in her hair because she would have been right in the firing range when Liz's elbow had hit the serving spoon. She would have laughed and her dark eyes would have been alight with the gentlest sense of belonging.

He has wanted that for her for so long, longer than she has wanted it for herself.

He tried to explain to Maureen that Olivia's regretful decline of the invitation wasn't about her - it was about their family.  
Maureen had sounded teary when she had told him Olivia's news and he had picked up the phone and called his partner right then.

"I know what you're going to say..." she told him and he had been quiet for a long time.  
"Will you just come? Please?" He added, as if politeness was going to win him any points in the unwinnable battle that was Olivia's will.  
"El, you go. You - be with your family."  
"You're part of my family," he had growled, without hesitation.

"Elliot," Her protest was born of years of insulating his home life from anything of the outside world.  
"Olivia."  
"Don't do this," she implored him and he had ignored her. They had spent too much energy crashing through their own carefully constructed brick walls to stop now.

"Then come. Come and I won't ask you for anything ever again. I wanna see you. Hell, if I'm not enough of an incentive, the kids want you to be there. You can't disappoint 'em, Liv..." he had said, trying to appeal to her love of his children. He had listened to her sigh, "Just think about it, will you?"

"I will. Don't have Maur save a seat, though."

He had swallowed hard and shaken his head, glad for once that she couldn't see him. He understood Olivia's hesitation better than anyone, but that didn't make her rejection any easier to handle.

His children had taken his mind off of Olivia and as he had listened to their chatter, he vowed to make sure she was present next year. He would have Thanksgiving at his place and come hell or high water - he would made sure that she was there. He stood at the sink, drying a dish and laughing at something Maureen had just said when he heard it: Lizzie's excited shriek from the living room.

Fairly confident his daughter's exuberance had nothing to do with the fact that the it was almost kickoff time for the Jets and the Patriots, he let himself wonder. He heard Leen's quick footsteps coming down the stairs and her voice combining with her sister's.

The front door had opened then and Elizabeth's usually quiet voice carried into the kitchen. "We're so happy that you're here!"  
His oldest daughter was up from her seat before he could turn around and she rushed toward the front door to envelop the newcomer in a hug.

He had leaned heavily on the counter for a minute, sending every prayer of thanks he had ever prayed to whoever was up there looking after him.  
Olivia's voice trailed in through the hallway. "I'm so sorry I'm late, Maur-" and his daughter's response, "It doesn't matter, Liv. I'm just happy you're here at all."

He had willed himself not to do anything stupid like cry or try to kiss her in front of his kids. He was sure there would be time for that later.

He had turned then, just in time to see Kathleen give Olivia a push through the doorway toward him. He used a split second to take her in: her hair had been pinned back from her face and it skimmed her shoulders, she was wearing a blue sweater he had seen hundreds of times - but he was sure it had never looked like that - and her dark eyes were full of the most tender emotion that he was moving before she could get a word in.

He pulled her to himself and held her for as long as he thought he could with his children in the other room.  
"Hi," she had whispered, almost shyly against his shoulder. He replied with one word, pressed to her temple. "Thanks."

His daughters appeared then, moving into the kitchen and taking over. Elizabeth urged Olivia toward the table and sat down beside her. Maureen opened the bottle of wine that Olivia had brought and started pouring each of them a glass. Kathleen grabbed a plate and filled it with food from every container she had just been so meticulous about putting away and set it in front of Olivia. Liv had turned to him with wide eyes amidst his daughters' eager actions and he had simply grinned at her.

He knew Olivia wasn't used to being fussed over and he would only let it go on so long before he would step in and sit down across from her. For the time being, he wanted his daughters to show Olivia how much she meant to them. Eli found his way downstairs and situated himself in Olivia's lap for the remainder of the evening.

* * *

"Daddy, your phone is ringing!"

He can hear the faint sound of his ringtone coming from the backseat. "It's okay, buddy," he assures Eli. "I'll call 'em back." He had just pulled over at a rest stop in Eastern Pennsylvania and switched places with Kathleen. He threw his coat into the back seat five minutes ago when he had climbed into the drivers seat.

"I'll get it," Kathleen unbuckles herself and struggles to pull his coat toward her. She extracts his phone from his pocket and settles herself back into the seat.

He doesn't have to look at his daughter to know that she is smiling.

"It's Liv. She left you a message." Elliot nods to Kathleen, giving her permission to play the voicemail. The sound of Olivia's voice fills the car.  
"Hey listen, I'd love to see you guys while you're up in my neck of the woods." He can hear her smirk and it makes him grin. "I'm not sure what time I'll be home from work tonight, but I'll keep you posted. Drive safe. Give everyone my love. Bye, El."

Kathleen is already touching the call back button and holding the phone to his ear before he can say anything. He doesn't take his eyes off the road as he waits to hear her voice. Her cell rings and rings and he is sure it means that Olivia is on the other line.

"I'm not gonna leave a message, Leen," he tells his daughter. "Liv'll call when she's got time."

Kathleen withdraws the phone from his ear and holds it in her lap. "Do you want me to text her?" She asks. He gives his daughter a sideways glance. "Sure."  
 **"Hey Liv. Just stopped for gas in PA,"** she reads to him as she types. **"Be in NY around 6. Talk later. Love you.** "

"Kathleen," Elliot growls, using his daughter's full name as he reaches blindly for the phone.  
She laughs lightly, pushing his hand away. "I'm kidding. I won't send it."  
He watches as she deletes the characters from the message.  
"There," she says, holding out the phone in front of him so he can read the text. He nods in agreement to the content as his daughter hits the send button.

He changes lanes then and listens to the rustle of Kathleen's jacket as she turns to look at her brother. Eli is immersed in a movie. The portable DVD player he is holding had been a gift from Maureen last Christmas and it has proved to be well worth every penny for the youngest member of the family.

"What are you watching, little guy?" She asks Eli and Elliot eyes his son's face in the rear view mirror.  
"Madagascar! But it's the number two one," Eli elaborates, holding up two little fingers.  
"Oh, the second one," Kathleen replies and Eli nods emphatically, "That's what I said. The number two one."

Kathleen laughs and reaches back to tug lightly on Eli's boot. "You're funny, kid." Her brother shrugs and flashes a playful grin before turning his attention back to the dancing wild animals on his screen.

Kathleen turns around and focuses on the road ahead of them. When she speaks she doesn't look at him and her voice is quiet. "You do, don't you?"  
For as dense as Elliot feels sometimes when it comes to his children, he knows what she is referring to, but his daughter doesn't need to know that.  
"Hmm?"  
Kathleen gives him a pointed look. "Come on, Dad..."

He doesn't know what to do.  
He isn't sure he can have this conversation with his daughter at 52 miles per hour with his youngest son in the car. But he can't shake the feeling that this is something he has to tell her.  
The trouble is, he is no longer sure which woman he is referring to.

His daughter or Olivia.

It is Kathleen who sits beside him now though and she is asking him. She already knows the answer, but she wants to hear it from him and he wants to provide her with that. For her peace of mind. For Olivia's.

Elliot worries his bottom lip and he can feel Kathleen's light eyes on his face. "Listen, you gotta understand something-" he starts, keeping his voice low.  
His daughter doesn't interrupt.  
"I love your Mom more than-"  
Kathleen waves his words away. "Dad. I know. I know you do. We all know nothing ever happened back- back then. Mom knows, too - whether you wanna believe it or not." She takes a breath. "Neither you or Liv would ever do that."

All at once, his daughter has both given a voice to and silenced the unspoken worry that he has carried in him for so long. He begs himself to hold it together and try again. He knows he doesn't have the eloquence to put together an explanation for her, but he has got to at least attempt to expound.

His daughter is twenty-three years old. She is an adult and she is old enough to understand far more than he has ever wanted her to. He has tried to shield all of his kids from the harsh realities of the world, but if there is a child who understands that life _happens,_ it is Kathleen.

"It's kinda complicated," he tries again. His daughter sighs with a tinge of exasperation and presses her head back against the seat. He can tell she is trying not to roll her eyes at him. "Break it down for me, Dad."

He takes a deep breath and holds onto it. If he knows anything about life it is that every moment holds power, some moments just hold more lasting significance than others.

This is one of those times.

His answer is coming and he isn't going to give into the temptation to temper it. Kathleen had been correct - it wasn't complicated. It was the truth. Easy and honest.

"Yes."

There. Simple and true.

The one word answer hangs in the silence between them.

Kathleen turns to him with wide eyes. "Say that again," she requests, gently.  
He nods, "Yes. That's what I want you to know."  
His daughter wraps her arms around herself and gazes at him. "Have you told her?"  
He exhales.  
"You haven't," she answers her own question. "You're going to, right?"  
"Yes," he nods again.  
"Soon," Kathleen quips, her smile unfurling across her beautiful face.  
"Yes." His vocabulary seems to have been reduced to a single word, but it is the most accurate one he can produce.

Elliot can feel that his daughter is staring at him but he can't give her more than a glance because he has to keep his eyes on the road.

"Leen-" he surprises himself as his verbal lexicon returns. He hears it then. The sound begins as a soft giggle and then she is laughing. He shakes his head and shoots her a look."What's so funny?"  
His question only makes her giggle more and spurs his own laughter.  
"Why are you laughing?" He struggles to get the words past his own amusement.

Kathleen takes a deep breath and falls back against the seat. She tilts her head to the side to look at him. "Because you're ridiculous."  
He laughs again. "What do you mean?"  
"Both of you. You're just- I mean..."

"Are you telling jokes, Daddy?" Eli interrupts from behind them and Elliot grins at his son in the mirror.  
"No, buddy. Daddy's not that funny. The giggle monster's got Leen, that's all."

Kathleen turns and reaches into the back seat to tickle her brother. He squeals with laughter and flails his arms in the air, "The giggle monster! AHHH!"

Elliot laughs again as he passes through the express lane of a toll. The travel is slow going even though he is one of the few cars on the road. They passed through a blizzard in Pennsylvania that had lasted for over twenty minutes. The roads are still covered now as he enters Jersey and drives North.

He looks to his right. Kathleen has pulled a blanket from the backseat and she is covered herself with its warmth.  
"You cold, hon?" He asks, reaching for the dial on the heat. She shakes her head and curls her legs up underneath her blanket. She looks at him as she settles back in her seat and gives him the softest smile.

He can't pinpoint it, but he has the strangest feeling that something in his daughter has changed. For the better.  
Her beautiful eyes hold a complete tranquility that he has seen growing in her over the last few years. He thinks this week has helped. He thinks the last two hours have helped. He is sure that the last five minutes have had something to do with it. She pulls the blanket up to cover her shoulders and leans toward him.

"Liv needs to know, Dad. Everybody needs to know they're loved."

For an instant, the road blurs in front of him and he has to blink to clear the emotion threatening to overtake him. He knows that she understands because he feels her palm brush against his shoulder. He reaches for her then, pulling her toward him as he leans over to press a quick kiss to her head.

He gives himself a full minute before he trusts himself to speak.  
"You ever think of going into psychology?" he asks her, his voice low.  
Kathleen gives a light laugh and it turns into a yawn, "Art therapy is related."  
"You're gonna be one hell of an art therapist someday, kid."

His daughter smiles as she reclines in her seat.


	6. Chapter 6

**Author's Note:** Thank you (again and again) for your reviews and feedback! Thank you for taking the time to read.

* * *

The light turns green above the car, but he doesn't press his foot down onto the pedal.

More than a decade on the job has provided him with sixth, seventh, and eighth senses. He can hear the faint keening of the siren above the sound of the light rain that has begun to fall, mixing with the snow. He knows the guy in the impractical Prius behind him is going to start to honk in a second, but he doesn't care. Sure enough, the unmarked car comes barreling from his right and flies through the intersection.

He tightens his grip on the steering wheel and flinches involuntarily at the sight of the car. He thinks about how when he sat beside Olivia, he'd never felt the need for caution. The roads are slick tonight though, and as he allows his foot to touch the pedal he sends a silent plea to the cops in the passing vehicle - _slow down._

A year ago, he wouldn't have believed anyone if they'd told him he would be slowing down. During his first weeks in Virginia, he'd been restless and his skin had crawled with the unfamiliar idleness he had been thrust into. He wasn't used to having time for himself.

For so many years, his time outside of the job was restricted to the minutes between his cell phone's ring, calling him back to work.

Now as he drives North, toward Kathy's new home in Glen Cove, the truck's tires rotate on streets that hold years of memories. He could probably navigate these roads with his eyes closed. He'd driven them on his way to and from the precinct almost everyday of his life as an NYPD detective.

He doesn't miss the job with its utter exhaustion and unpredictable schedule. There are occasions when he misses the familiarity of the routine, but as he settles deeper into his life in Virginia, those are becoming fewer and further between.

He always misses Olivia.

Striding down the hallway beside her never failed to make him feel invincible. He hasn't returned to the precinct since the day he left and he doubts that he will ever be able to walk those floors again.

He doesn't mind returning to the city during the day, but it looks different at night. He had never had the chance to be anxious about it when he lived among the maze of streets. During the day he can see what is in front of him. At night, the darkness threatens to blind him around ever turn. There are still ghosts residing here. He hasn't exorcised all of them.

Every intersection that he crosses reminds him of whispers of cases, victims, and families torn apart. Olivia's dark and exhausted gaze watching him from across the chasm of their desks.

Every time he comes back to New York, it takes him a few days to recover at home. Home.  
He doesn't think it is strange how he refers to the farm house in Virginia as home. He is more comfortable there than he's ever been anywhere, except beside her.  
He craves the air now, the open space. He loves the house, the dog, the life he's been blessed with and works so hard to maintain.

He tries not to let his mind linger too long on events of the past. Instead, he concentrates on the soft lull of his daughter's breathing and the tapping sound against the back of his seat. Eli's boot-clad feet are keeping time to the beat of song on his iPod.

" _Lately, I've been I've been losing sleep, dreamin' about the things that we could be. Lately I've been, I've been prayin' hard. No more countin' dollars, we'll be countin' stars..."_

He's singing. The sound of his son's little voice makes him grin and forces him to expel a breath he didn't realize he was holding.

"Daddy," Eli says loudly, as if he thinks Elliot is old and deaf and can't hear him over the sound of the music.  
"Buddy?" he answers him, trying to keep his voice low so as not to wake Kathleen.  
"When we get to Mommy's can I show ya my new GI Joe?"  
"Sure pal." His affirmative response comes easily.

He can't think of anywhere in the world he'd rather be than sitting on the floor in Eli's room while his son shows him his new Christmas gifts.  
Eli had celebrated Christmas with Kathy two weeks ago in anticipation of his stay in Virginia for the holiday itself. If Elliot knows Kathy at all, there are some wrapped gifts from Santa waiting under the tree with their son's name on them.

Christmas morning began both earlier than Elliot would have liked and yet later than he'd expected. Last year, he heard that Eli had awakened Kathy at 4:30am, begging for the chance to "peek" downstairs to see if Santa had come. Elliot had arrived a few hours later, just in time to watch Eli fall asleep in the middle of the living room floor.

This year, he had waited until 7:43am. Elliot had heard Eli's excited little feet scampering across the old wooden floors of the farmhouse and the next thing he knew, the space beside him in bed was occupied by a squirming five year old and a coon hound.

Eli's small hands pressed against his chest, "Daddy! Wake up, Dad! Santa came, Daddy! He really came! He was here!"  
Elliot had groaned inwardly and rubbed his palm over his face.  
"All right, buddy. Give Daddy a minute," he rumbled sleepily before grabbing the sheet and pulling it over his head. He gave Eli three seconds to follow suit and his kid didn't disappoint. He climbed underneath the covers and gazed at Elliot, all wild curls and giant smile. Elliot grinned at him, pressed a kiss to his little forehead, and pulled himself out of bed.  
"Let's go, pal! Let's go see what Santa brought!"

While Eli's back was turned, Elliot had been forced to take a quick bite out of the stale peanut butter and jelly sandwich that his son had so carefully crafted for Santa hours before. Eli's expression made the moment more than worth his while.

"Leen! Leen! Santa ate my sandwich! He was hungry!" Eli exclaimed, taking Kathleen by the hand and pulling her toward the table. His daughter's eyes had danced with amusement when she'd noticed his full mouth and she'd thankfully distracted Eli with the snow outside so that Elliot could spit the offending bite into the garbage.

Eli's excitement grew with each gift that he opened. When Eli started to run low on unopened inventory, Kathleen had slipped upstairs and brought down a giant bright red gift bag full of tissue paper.  
"Wow! Dad! Santa left presents upstairs, too?!" Eli's eyes had grown impossibly rounder.  
Elliot had shaken his head and looked at his daughter, "I dunno, Buddy. Your sister must have some connections at the North Pole."

Kathleen placed the bag on the floor beside her brother. "It's almost as big as you are, Eli!" she'd exclaimed. "You know who this is from, little guy?"  
Eli had cocked his head, "Santa?"  
"Almost. Think a little closer to home..." Kathleen laughed, pressing her phone into Elliot's hand and sinking onto the couch beside him.  
A glance at his daughter's phone confirmed his suspicions and the screen read " _Facetiming Liv_ " for an instant before Olivia had appeared with coffee mug in hand.

"Hey guys! Merry Christmas!"  
Eli sprinted over and wedged himself in between Elliot's legs. "Hi Liv!"  
"Hi Eli! Was Santa good to you?" She asked and Elliot could tell by the grin tugging at the corner of her mouth that she was purposefully ignoring his gaze. She had changed her hair since Thanksgiving. Her bangs fell gracefully across her forehead and the rest of her hair was pinned up in one of those clips that his daughters used.  
The sweatshirt she wore was maroon and was decorated with little white reindeer. When she tilted the phone just right, he caught a glimpse of her dark green lounge pants.

He was going to tease the heck out of her for her festive pajamas and she knew it.

Eli nodded emphatically. "Santa was really good! He even left stuff upstairs. Wait Liv! Let me show you my Scooby-Doo socks!" He scampered off to search for the pair amid the confetti of wrapping paper on the floor and left Olivia laughing in the palm of Elliot's hand.  
"I love the hair, Liv." Kathleen beamed at Olivia before she moved to the floor to help her brother. "Thanks, Leen. I wanted something different."

Elliot stood up from the couch and moved into the kitchen. He leaned against the counter top and smirked at her.

"Nice jammies," he quipped and Olivia stuck her tongue out at him. "I put them on for your son," she replied smoothly, deliberately letting him wonder what (if anything) she had been wearing before. His expression must have betrayed him because the sound of her amusement washed over him like a warm bath.  
"Stop it," she cautioned him, taking a sip of coffee to mask her grin.  
"Didn't do anything. You started it."

Eli appeared then, tugging on his arm. "Dad! Liv! Here's my socks!" He shoved his new socks into the camera for Olivia to view. "Wow, Eli! Those look great!"  
Kathleen chimed in, "E, do you know why we called Liv?"  
"'Cause Liv wants to see my presents," Eli answered, without missing a beat. Elliot watched her laugh again, wishing for the tangibleness of her beside him.

"That big red bag is full of Liv's presents for you and I want her to watch when you open them," Kathleen explained, guiding her brother back to the couch.

Elliot followed, shaking his head at Olivia. "You're too much," he told her and she shrugged, waving his words away. "It's Christmas," she informed him by way of an explanation.  
"Yeah, I got that. Otherwise, I'd ask you why you're playing Santa's little helper." She laughed again and settled back against her couch cushions.

Eli had opened a fold-out pirate ship fort, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Play Set, and with a new jean jacket with a Millennium Falcon patch on the arm. Elliot had watched Olivia's face as she observed his son. Eli's joy was palpable and he hoped that Olivia knew how happy she had made him. Eli had thanked Olivia over and over, dancing excitedly as he'd tried his new jacket on over his pajamas.

* * *

His son hasn't taken it off. The silver coloring of the Millennium Falcon patch is being reflected in the street lights and it catches Elliot's eye as he glances at Eli in the mirror. His little guy is wearing the jacket over his long-sleeved tee-shirt and Elliot is sure that it is going to get more use than any other gift Eli has received. Eli's head is tilted back against the back of his booster seat and Elliot can just make out the lightness of his son's eyes. "Almost there, buddy."

Eli gives a nod and a yawn. "'Kay, Daddy."

Elliot wishes he could take the kids into the city to see Olivia tonight. He knows that her eyes will fill with the most tender of emotions when she realizes how much Eli loves her gift.  
He wants to show her, but he knows that she is working. She hasn't called back since earlier this afternoon and he's reaching Glen Cove later than expected.  
The snow had been heavy on the roadways and the travel had been slow going.

The streets here are mostly devoid of snow and he's about half an hour outside of Kathy's neighborhood. He isn't as familiar with these roads, having only visited Kathy's new home a handful of times, but he recalls the residential streets with parking on both sides. He doesn't want to get stuck between idle cars and snow drifts so he is going to try to take a few back roads. He is going to to confuse the hell out of his GPS but he is sure the streets will lead him to where he is supposed to end up.

The slight rain is taking its toll on his eyesight and he is squinting against the dark. Pretty soon he thinks he's going to bump his reading glasses up to driving at night glasses. He drives slower than necessary because these he knows these are the prime conditions for black ice.

If his memory serves him correctly he thinks there might be a tight curve up ahead. There isn't anyone around him so he slows to a snail's pace and the heavy tires of his truck slip on the slight decline. He doesn't panic. The truck is built for this kind of weather and he knows the wheels below him will find traction against the roadway in a moment. Kathleen sits up and glances at him.

"We're okay," he assures her and his daughter nods. He finds it immensely comforting that she believes him. He is grateful that he can alter the way his children feel simply by providing them with the secure fact that he will never let anything happen to them.

There are trees on both sides of the road and as he looks ahead he can see headlights shining through the woods. The truck's wheels acquire enough stability to roll on and Elliot eases them around the corner.

Kathleen's hand lands on his arm, "Dad."

Directly in front of them is a car that belongs in the other lane. The headlights are facing Elliot's and the car is turned to an odd angle as if it slid across the roadway. Elliot throws the truck into park and unbuckles his seat belt.  
"What's going on, Daddy?" Eli asks from the back seat as Elliot reaches for his coat and turns on the emergency flashers. The night is dark and there is no way he is going to risk someone rounding the curve and rear-ending his truck with his kids inside.

"I'm gonna find out, pal," he hands the keys to his daughter. "Stay here," he says, directing his words toward Kathleen because Eli can't possibly get out of his booster seat on his own.

Elliot steps out of the truck and as soon as his sneaker-clad feet hit the road way, he feels it.  
Black ice.  
He palms the hood of the truck for stability as he makes his way toward the other car. Before he can reach the driver's side door, it opens and a figure stands up, clinging to the open door. Elliot barely has time to register the woman's silhouette when he hears a baby crying from inside.

"Ma'am, are you all right? I'm a- I was a police officer-" he moves closer to her now and the dim light emanating from the inside of the car helps him to see. The woman is young, maybe Maureen's age. She has dark hair and he can see that her grip on the car door is the only thing holding her up. She is trembling so badly that she can't speak.  
He doesn't see any visible injuries and he thinks she might just be shaken up.  
He lightly grasps her shuddering arm. "Ma'am, are you okay?" He repeats, "Can you tell me what happened?"  
He glances into her backseat at the infant safely tucked into the rear-facing car seat. The baby is fussing, but seems to be unharmed.

"It's all right, Ma'am."

He tries to get her to sit back down in the driver's seat, but she's resisting. He hears the snap of the truck door closing behind him and then Kathleen appears at his side. His daughter reaches for the woman's hand. "I'm Kathleen," she says, softly. "This is my dad, Elliot. We're gonna help you. Tell us what happened." The woman glances at Kathleen and starts to cry.

"The car." She gasps through chattering teeth. "I came around the bend and it was so dark and then I- I couldn't steer and my car was sliding and I didn't want to hit them, but I couldn't stop and I slid and-and- oh my God." She presses her hand to her mouth. "You have to help."

Elliot tries to understand.

"Ma'am, I don't-"  
Kathleen eases the woman into the car and crouches down on the icy road in front of her. "It's all right. You just have to tell us what-"  
Elliot squints through the darkness, attempting to see. Everything is black.  
"Dad!" Kathleen's voice is filled with a sense of urgency. He looks back at her and she points in the direction of the opposite side of the road, toward the wooded slope. "There's another car!"


	7. Chapter 7

**Author's Note:  
** Fair warning(s): this chapter is a turning point of sorts.  
 _I'm sincerely sorry for what I'm about to do to your hearts..._

* * *

Elliot has the passenger side door of the truck open before Kathleen can say another word.  
"Daddy, what's wrong?" Eli asks.  
"It's all right, buddy," Elliot reassures him as he rifles through the glove compartment. His searching fingers glide over napkins, spare change, and band-aids until they land on the flashlight. He straightens up and reaches into the backseat toward his son.

"It's okay, Eli. Leen is right outside and I'll be back soon."

Elliot can see the anxiety on Eli's face and he knows that he has only seconds before his son bursts into tears.  
"Buddy," Elliot whispers. He prays that his tone is soothing, but judging by the glare that Eli is giving him, the little guy isn't buying the facade. Elliot can feel his own tension growing by the second, creeping over his skin. He tries to draw a breath.

"I have to help, E."

He is explaining his actions to his five-year old and he isn't sure why. Ten years ago, he would have told his kid not to worry and closed the door. Now, he wants to make sure his children understand why he does what he does.  
Eli scrunches up his little face and bursts into tears. "I don't want you to go!" he howls, his flailing feet connect with Elliot's arm.

At that moment, he feels Kathleen's hand on his back. "Go, Dad."

Elliot tears his gaze away from his son. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out his cell phone, pressing it into his daughter's hand. He can't see the blue of her eyes in the dark, but he tries to focus on her face. He keeps his voice low so that Eli doesn't hear. His whisper is not necessary because his son is throwing a temper tantrum in his booster seat, but it is a precaution born of years of working with victims.

"Call 911. Tell them where we are. I'm gonna go see what I can do." Kathleen nods in understanding, the motion conveying a confidence he doesn't see in her face. Elliot grabs her wrist.  
"It's okay," she whispers at the same time the utterance leaves his lips.

He squeezes her cold fingers once before letting go.

He turns toward the car in front of them. He can just see the outline of the woman extracting her crying infant from the car seat.  
He can sense Kathleen moving behind him as she comes to stand in between the truck and the woman's car.  
He is grateful that her attention is fixed on his cell phone because she doesn't see him slip. He catches himself on the hood of the truck and looks at the empty expanse of roadway that separates him from the other car.

"Be careful, Dad." He hears Kathleen call over his shoulder.

The passage appears innocuous enough, but he knows the dozen or so feet across the blacktop are going to be treacherous. He doesn't have time to test each step so he throws caution to the wind and makes his way across the road.

When he reaches the edge of the roadway, his feet hit gravel. There is a slight decline that leads toward the embankment and he tries to get his footing on top of the new snow. He looks to his right and his gaze falls on tire tracks. Over-correction, he thinks. Easy enough to do on a night like this.

The picture of the accident is becoming clearer in his mind. The woman behind him with Kathleen came around the bend. Her tires hit the ice and she veered into the opposite lane. The other driver swerved to avoid the oncoming vehicle and their wheels lost their traction on the roadway, sending the car over the slight embankment and down. The light rain is now mixing with snow and he moves as fast as he dares in his sneakers. Elliot trains his flashlight on the territory below him and some hundred yards down the beam lands on a glint of silver.

His heart jumps into his throat. It has been seventeen months since he has come upon the scene of an accident. He reasons that this isn't any different from the thousands of crime scenes he has worked over the years.

He fights for stability as he climbs down the slippery hillside. "NYPD," he calls out of habit and the letters make him bite his tongue. Technically, it is a lie but hell if the individuals in the car are going to know that. The darkness is obscuring his vision and he blinks to clear the water clinging to his eyelashes. He thinks he can make out the driver's side of the car. The door is heavily smashed against a tree. He slides on the wet snow and his left knee hits rock.

Everything is so cold. He thinks the frozen air must have made the impact even harder.

As he nears the car, he can see that the front wheels are suspended in midair against yet another tree. The thought that the sedan looks exactly like the one they drove for more than a decade doesn't escape him. The darkness and the precipitation make it impossible to see inside and when his hand lands on the rear passenger side door he hopes against hope that it will give way. The door stays locked. He pounds his fist on the black glass of the window.

"Hello? Can you hear me?"

He climbs around the back of the car, bracing himself against the trunk. The precipitation is intensifying the smell of the gasoline.

From this angle he can see that the driver's side window is shattered into a million spiderwebs. The glass held at least and hasn't fallen onto the driver.  
"Hello? I'm gonna help you," he calls out again and now he is acting on pure instinct.

He has to get into the car. The doors are locked and the left side is completely inaccessible. He reaches for a rock near his right foot and he tries to smash the rear window. He needs both hands and he drops the flashlight into the snow. The glass is frozen and he feels the sharpness nick the back of his hand when the window finally breaks. The shards splinter into the back seat.

Elliot knows he can't move fast because his added weight might shift the already precarious position of the car.  
His heart is beating uncomfortably fast and when he braces his hands against the frozen metal of the trunk he can see himself shaking. It's the cold, he thinks. He can't wait an instant longer. Every moment he hesitates is a second the person inside the car doesn't have.

"I'm gonna help you," he says once more as he hoists himself up onto the icy trunk and crawls through the remains of the rear window. He tries not to think that he is speaking only to himself.

The glass litters the dark interior of the back seat and he can feel the jagged pieces crunch beneath his hands and knees. The blackness inside the car is illuminated only by the reflective quality of the snow. As his eyes adjust, he sees the outline of a woman in the driver's seat. Her right hand lays on the console and her dark hair is fanned out against the shattered window to her left.

"Ma'am?" he rasps through chattering teeth.

Something isn't right.

He is having a hard time catching his breath. He is shaking more than be as he maneuvers toward the front seat. Time seems to slow as he reaches for the passenger seat to hold onto.

He knows he isn't ready. It has been more than a year since he has seen victims, bodies, blood.  
He doesn't have time to think.  
The woman in front of him doesn't have any time at all. He pulls himself forward toward the gap between the seats.

His heart stops.

"Liv."

It's _her.  
_  
 _No_

Blood.  
Her blood.

"Liv."  
 _Blood.  
_  
"Olivia."

He manages to make it into the front seat without realizing he has climbed over. "Liv."  
Elliot reaches for her, unbuckles her seat belt, and braces her against himself. In his arms, her body is limp and cold. He can't breathe. His fingertips are numb as he tears her scarf away from her skin and skims her neck for a pulse. "Liv."  
 _There._ Thready, faint. But there. He can feel that she is breathing.

"Liv," he whispers, frantically. "Stay with me, Liv. C'mon Olivia."

He says her name over and over. He wants to shake her, to wake her.  
He can't move her. He shouldn't have touched her at all, but he has to have her in his arms. He has to have some part of her to hold onto.

"Liv."

There is no sound. No light.  
She was his. She was his responsibility. She can't be like this. She can't be.

Olivia is bleeding. Cuts on her temple, her forehead beneath her bangs, her jaw. He thinks she is bleeding from somewhere else too, because his hand wrapped around her waist is damp and the deep red stain is spreading steadily over the gray sweater covering her stomach. Her blood is seeping into him, into the fabric of his coat, his shirt, his skin.

He keeps his fingers on her pulse and for every beat of her heart he thinks his is slowing down. Or speeding up. He can't breathe at all. His world is deathly silent and black.  
For a moment, all he can think of is the end. If she is going to die, then he is going to go with her. He isn't going to let her go alone. He has left her alone for too long and he won't leave her in this. This will be the closing.

"Dad!"

He is crying now. All at once the night comes alive with sound.  
His daughter's shouts, the sirens. He forces himself to draw a breath and focuses on what he has in his hands.  
Olivia's life.  
Olivia.  
He has to calm down. He can't lose it. He has to save her. He has to get her out. It is a mantra he will continue to repeat. He can't move her any more. He will need a backboard.

He is terrified.

He can't lose her. He won't. He presses his mouth to the top of her head and starts to pray. To Olivia, to God, to anyone who might be listening. "Olivia," he rasps, his throat feels raw. "Don't leave me, Liv. Don't you dare fucking die on me."

She was his. He was hers. She was his to love, to take care of - his responsibility. The horrific realization comes quickly. He is at fault for whatever happens tonight. He wasn't beside her. He wasn't driving because he pulled that trigger so long ago.  
"Liv, stay with me."

His fingertips feel her pulse. She's still with him. _'Atta girl_ , he thinks.

"You fight, Liv. You gotta fight for me, okay? You have to breathe. You have to- you have to-"  
Terror grips him. She doesn't know.  
Fourteen years have passed in the blink of an eye and he never told her. Now isn't the time. There may never be a time.  
 _No_.  
He pushes the suffocating thought away. He has to believe that they will be given a chance.

The sounds are coming closer, the erratic bobbing of flashlights, sirens, a jumble of voices.  
He is taken back to another crash and he realizes that this must have been what it was like for her in the moments before his son was born.  
He hadn't been there for her then, either. He can't breathe.

"Liv, please."  
He sends a silent plea to God. His tears tangle in her hair.  
"Don't do this, Olivia."

 _If she lives - if you let her stay - if she makes it - I'll do anything..._

"Stay with me, Liv."

The sounds are loud now. The EMS workers, firemen, and cops are just yards away now. They are calling to him and trying to gain information. He has to try to pay attention, but the feeling of her heart beating against his palm is his sole focus.

"Please, Liv."

The EMS workers manage to get the passenger door open and Elliot closes his eyes against the wave of florescent light. It is too much. The light, the noise, the confusion of too many voices.  
"Can't move her," he growls to no one in particular and they are handing the long spine board down the slope.

He can't look at her. The garish light illuminates everything. They slide the backboard into the car over his knees. He has to let her go. He has to lay her down on the stable surface and let them help her. He has to take his hands away from her, loosen his hold. He can't.  
He has to.  
Olivia looks like a rag doll in the instant before they slide her from his lap. The loss of her weight against his body is disorienting enough for him to forget how to breathe. He can't see her anymore. He has to follow. He has to know where she is.

His knees collide with frozen stone as he pulls himself out of the car. There are hands reaching out to help him up the snow-covered slope.  
There are voices asking him if he is all right, as if he can even begin to articulate anything at this moment.  
He'll be okay if he can just get to her. He pushes past officers and paramedics as he makes his way up the hill. Though he has no idea what he will find at the top, he knows who will be there.

His daughter.

It is chaos on the road. There are people everywhere - medical personnel, cops, and firefighters.

"Dad!"

Elliot meets her eyes amidst the dizzying sea of bodies and she bolts toward him.  
The look on the face tells him that she knows.  
"Dad," she cries, frantically. His daughter looks as through she has seen a ghost. Her pale cheeks are tear-streaked and her eyes are wide.  
Kathleen is trembling before him, but he can't reach for her. His hands are covered with Olivia's blood and he can't touch his precious daughter.

He is going to be sick and he can't throw up in front of Kathleen. He waves her away and doubles over on the rocky berm of the road. He feels unfamiliar hands on his back after he forces himself to draw a few deep breaths.  
"Sir, you're bleeding. We need to get you checked out."  
He empties his stomach again. "Not my blood," he mutters.  
Kathleen grasps his arm. "Dad, please let them help you."  
He is dizzy as he shakes his head, "Don't need help. I gotta go with Liv."

"Sir, the victim is already gone."

The world stops.  
He isn't breathing.  
Gone.

Kathleen is gripping his arm so tightly that he can feel her fingernails through his coat. Elliot thinks she might be holding him up because there is no way he is still standing on his own.

"What?" His daughter demands.  
"Gone ahead to the ER," the medic clarifies.  
"Which ER?" Kathleen pushes.

His daughter is a force to be reckoned with. The incongruous thought comes to him that he has never seen her take charge like this and he is proud as hell of her. If he could form the words to tell her, he would.  
"Saint Francis."

Kathleen is moving and she is taking him with her. She holds his arm as she jogs as quickly as she dares across the slick ground.  
As they move further from the scene, the night gets darker.  
The truck is pulled over to the side of the road and Elliot thinks Kathleen must have moved it. The headlights are still shining toward them.  
Kathleen stops suddenly and presses her hand to his shoulder, halting his movement.

"Dad, wait!" she cries.  
"Leen," he protests in frustration.

"No, give me one minute," she begs and he gives in. She knows what every second is costing him, but he has to trust her. He is frozen to the spot as he watches Kathleen open the rear passenger door of the truck and rummage around. The sound of Eli's tearful voice is agony.

A moment later, Kathleen emerges from the back seat and closes the door with a snap. She moves to climb into the front seat and he grabs the door frame. "I'm driving," he tells her.  
"You're not," she shoots back, glaring at him through her tears. "Dad, you can't."  
"Kathleen-"  
She shakes her head as she wrenches the door from his hold. He is beside her in the passenger seat an instant later.  
He can't look at his daughter. He knows she is right. He is not in any state to drive and he is liable to get them all killed if he gets behind the wheel.  
Kathleen maintains the rationality that he doesn't possess.

Kathleen maneuvers the truck off of the berm of the road and navigates through the maze of personnel working around the scene. Elliot wants to demand she switch places with him. He wants to slam his foot onto the gas pedal, weather be damned.  
He has to calm down.

"Dad, grab my phone and put the address into the GPS," Kathleen instructs, the shakiness in her voice betraying the simplicity of the request.

He sees her action for what it is. She is giving him a task, something to do with his hands. Elliot takes the phone from the cup holder. His hands are trembling and the device falls to the floor, illuminating his feet. His sneakers are streaked with her blood.

"Daddy?"

Elliot glances over his left shoulder to find a blanket obscuring his view of his son. The fleece blanket Kathleen had been curled up beneath twenty minutes ago is strung across the head rests and between the seats, blocking Eli's view of the front of the truck.

"He can't see you like this," Kathleen whispers on a ragged hush.  
Elliot nods, choking back a sob. His daughter has gone above and beyond tonight to protect both he and his son from images that neither he nor Kathleen will ever be able to forget. He wishes he could rewind the clock and take back all of the things his older children knew and saw before they should have.

Kathleen knows how sensitive Eli is and she hasn't allowed the trauma of the last few minutes anywhere near her brother's world. He thinks she has done even more than that though. His daughter has saved Eli's perception of him as their father.

"Eli, it's okay. Dad's right here." Kathleen tries to soothe him between glances at the GPS.  
He has to answer his son. His son, whose sweet life exists because of the woman fighting for hers in an ambulance somewhere down the road.

He swallows hard. "I'm right here, Eli. It's okay, buddy." He knows his words are not going to satisfy his child, but maybe the sound of his voice is enough.

Elliot can't look out the window. The approach to the hospital is both too fast and too slow. He leans forward, rests his elbows on his knees and says a silent prayer.  
He doesn't know anything.  
Whatever happens, whatever he finds at the hospital will change the course of the rest of his life.  
He starts to plan.

He will take her home with him, back to Virginia. If she doesn't want to leave right away, he will move in with her. He will never be able to go back to a life without her beside him every day ever again.

He doesn't acknowledge the alternative because it is too destructive to imagine.  
He doesn't know when he started to cry, but his tears are not so silent that Kathleen isn't aware. He can hear her recognition in the change of her breathing. She is crying, too.

The truck pulls into the parking lot and the interior is illuminated by the garish light outside of the emergency room.  
"Go Dad," Kathleen instructs, as she unlocks the doors.

He wants to tell her one million things. What she means to him, what she has done for him, how she has taken control during the worst hour of his life. He can't breathe. He pulls his daughter to him and presses a rough kiss to the top of her head. " Love you," he rumbles and he has the door open before the truck comes to a complete stop.

He doesn't think about who he will be the next time he sees his children. He has to believe there will be something left of him when the morning comes.


	8. Chapter 8

**Author's Note** : Thank you all so much for your feedback on that last chapter. It was amazing to write and this one is no different. Thank you, again! More to come...

* * *

The lights are too bright.

The florescent bulbs overhead reflect off the polished tile floor, pooling light at his feet and illuminating the hallway ahead of him. He takes the empty corridor at a run, certain that no matter how fast he moves, he won't ever be quick enough.

The automatic doors bid him entrance to a nearly deserted waiting area and he moves into the space. He doesn't look around as he rushes across the room and into the hallway beyond. Elliot has no idea where he is going, but he knows that as long as he is moving that he is getting closer to her.

A wave of noise assaults his ears as he pushes his way through a second set of doors. Medical personnel move through the space with patients on stretchers or in wheelchairs. There is an incessant beeping sound coming from the nurses' station and at least three different phones ring off the hook. The PA system is paging various physicians to areas of the hospital and there is a dull murmur of voices as nurses communicate patients' needs.

Elliot makes his way across the crowded space, heading for the double doors bearing the words "restricted access." He lived with the badge for more than a dozen years and tonight the one thing that will allow him to pass through these doors unquestioned lies in his top dresser drawer, five hours South. Hell, if he is going to let that stop him. He doesn't wait for permission and the doors open at his touch.

"Can I help you, sir?"  
 _Fuck_  
He thinks about lying, about telling the nurse that he is still with the NYPD. He wonders if omissions of truth count when life and death are the cards he has been dealt.  
When he turns to meet the speaker's face, the only thought that registers is that the woman is young. She is probably green and he might have a chance of slipping past her. The nurse wears dark purple scrubs and her brown hair is tied back in a bun. She takes a long look at him, sizing him up. Elliot can't imagine what he must look like, but he sees a hint of it in her eyes. There is something else stirring behind her hazel irises, but he doesn't have time to find out what it is.

He is desperate.

He slows but keeps moving, walking backwards down the hallway. He nods then because it is the only form of communication he can muster.  
"Detective Stabler?"  
He stops.  
The young nurse moves from behind the desk. "I went to school with your daughter, with Maureen. I met you once or twice a couple of years ago. I'm Rebecca." She is watching him carefully, taking in the blood stains on his clothes. "Please let me help you."

He doesn't remember encountering this young woman before, but there is something about the way Rebecca is speaking to him that makes him want to give in. He wants to allow her to help him to find information, to discern the fastest way to Olivia's side.

Rebecca motions toward a chair against the wall, but he shakes his head. He can't sit. Not yet. He needs information.  
"The NYPD officer in the single car collision, right? Outside of Roslyn?"  
He doesn't understand how she knows, but he is nodding again.  
"Please have a seat and I'll go find out what I can." Rebecca doesn't wait for him to sit down. She moves away from him and back through the double doors.

He is shaking again as he leans against the counter of the nurses' station. His searching gaze lands on a swipe card connected to a lanyard. His fingers itch for the piece of plastic that will surely allow him access to the doors some hundred feet beyond. If anyone asks, he will tell them he found the card on the floor and was about to return it. As soon as the card is in his grasp, the doors behind him burst open. He drops it back onto the desk and moves up against the wall.

Three men enter the hallway. By the look of them, two are emergency medical workers and Elliot will bet anything the other man is a cop. They are talking over each other as they move hurriedly through the space and down the hallway.  
It takes less than a split second for Elliot to decide to follow them. He keeps his distance, lagging behind so as not to draw attention to himself. If he can just make it past the doors with them...

"Heard about it on the radio."  
"Yeah, this is probably gonna bring a lot of attention out this way. NYPD and all."  
"Who's on call tonight?"  
"I'll check the charts. I think it's Monroe."  
"Oh, he's a decent guy. Shouldn't have to handle something like this. She was real pretty."  
"What do you mean?"  
"I mean they're working on her, but she coded on the way in and-"

His knees collide with the hard floor, but he doesn't feel the blow. He has taken punches before, but nothing has ever knocked the wind out of him this fast. He is on his hands and knees and he has lost the ability to breathe. It's gone.

He doesn't need a medical degree to understand.  
It's over.  
It's done.  
There is nothing left. Nothing after this.  
There is no tomorrow. There will be no morning.  
No next week.  
There is no New Year's, no coming of Spring, no late July evenings at home.  
There will never be an "I love you," or a "Stay with me." No "Marry me, please."

There is no sound, no smile.

There will not be any early mornings with her in his bed, her hair fanned out over the pillowcase, her sleepy voice making him grin. There will never be grocery store runs with her settled across from him in the front seat. He won't ever get to listen to her laugh again as she catches him staring. He won't hear his name said in that perfect way that only she could ever again.  
No late night conversations watching her talk with her hands. No light in those brown eyes. No more time for his children.  
Nothing.

Someone has their hands on his back, but he can't look up. He is so tired. His lungs have forgotten how to work. His heart will beat itself to death any minute. The white sneakers covered by the purple scrub pants are quickly disappearing from view.

The darkness is closing in on the edges of his sight and he won't fight it when it takes him. His vision is hazy and the vertigo is taking over. He knows now that this is how it will end. The time has arrived both sooner than he expected and years after he thought his clock would have run out.

On the job, the threat of death loomed every time they stepped foot outside of the precinct. He always through it would be a bullet that ended his life. He would make sure that he was in front of her when it happened and he would absorb the shot.  
He would die for her, sparing her, making sure her life continued.  
He would go down with the knowledge that she lived. He knows that she would hate him for the rest of her life, but he would be able to leave this world knowing he kept his promise to her. He'd had her back.  
She had his entire life.

He never really thought that they would go together. He was always so sure that she wouldn't have to worry because his drive to keep her safe was so inextricably a part of who he is - was.  
It is all past tense now. History. Gone.  
He doesn't have the strength to open his eyes. He knows his limbs can only hold him up for so much longer. There isn't any oxygen left in his body or maybe in the entire world.

This is the place where the hourglass has trickled its remaining grains of sand. Maybe it was the the snow covered hillside that did them both in or the glaring lights inside the ambulance that burned as she took her last breath.  
He only knows one thing for certain. He is going to die here in the middle of the floor of a hospital hallway, only minutes after she-

 _"Dad!"_

He can't lift his head.

 _"Dad!"_

Death is generous, giving him one last memory of his children.

"Dad! What the-."

The cry is muffled in his ears. The pounding of his heart is the loudest thing he has ever heard.

"Dad, c'mon. You gotta sit up for me. We have to get you off the floor." The voice is low and sounds like it is issuing from a badly tuned radio. The words break through the static in his mind.

"C'mon Dad."

He tries to block out the sound. He wants the peace of the darkness. He doesn't want to be dragged back to the lights, and the sounds, and the existence of the world without her.

"Fuck! Dad, you have to breathe. Shit. C'mon Dad! I need some help here!" The voice registers. This is his son. All at once-

"Dad!"

The air sears into his lungs, burning his parched throat. He can't support his own weight anymore and he lets Dickie push him until he feels his back strike the wall. "Dad."

He can't look at his son. He feels Dickie's strong hands trembling against his shoulders. "Shit Dad, what happened?"  
He knows Dickie is taking in his blood-stained clothes.  
Elliot can't speak. He can't move. He can't help his son to understand because there is so explanation. He knows he won't ever be able to say the words.

"Leen called me. She told me everything. Where's Olivia?"

The sound of her name causes his chest to crack. He leans forward, pressing his face into his hands. He is about to lose it in front of his boy. Nothing much seems to matter anyone, but somehow this does. He is broken and human, but for this moment he has to be a father. He knows that once he starts to cry, he won't be able to stop. He doesn't want his son to watch him shatter.

"Stay here. I'm gonna go get Leen and find out what's going on." Dickie moves to stand up and brings Elliot with him. Dickie presses him into a chair and only turns to leave when he sees a nurse coming down the hallway toward them.

"There's an empty waiting area right down the hall if you'd be more comfortable there," a new nurse is informing Dickie before she hurries away. Elliot feels like a contagion.

Dickie nods and turns back to him. Elliot can tell by the sure sound of his son's footsteps that he feels more confident this second time around.  
"We're going, Dad."

He lets Dickie lead him through the hallway and into a small waiting area. The lights are off and the room is deserted. The darkness is soothing and somehow Dickie knows not to turn on the lights.

He guides Elliot to a chair. "I'll be right back. Don't move." As if he could. His son closes the door behind him.

The wave of emotion he expects doesn't come.  
Instead, panic begins to climb over his skin. It is slow at first. The goosebumps appear on his flesh and his hands begin to quake. His legs feel like they are encased in cement and his lungs feel like he is drowning above sea-level.

He is paralyzed.

The fear is clawing at him, lashing out like a thousand scourges. His heart is pounding too hard beneath his ribs. His shirt and jacket feel too heavy. His skin is caked with her blood from the last few times that her heart pumped.

He wants to throw up. He wants to scream, to run, to smash something, to feel anything other than this. This helplessness, this terrible knowledge that this night is a thief. The coming of the evening's darkness cut her life short and stole her from her future, from him. He thinks that tonight took his future too, because there can't possibly be anything after this.

His mind is silent and blaring all at once.

There is nothing to say, but one million words sit on his tongue. Elliot doesn't want to talk to God. Tonight, he has been forsaken. He doesn't want to talk to her.  
He can't.

It will be a long time before he is able to beg her for forgiveness. He doesn't want to think about tomorrow, about next week. _Funeral._ His mind glosses over the word and his shaking intensifies. If his life doesn't end tonight, it will surely come to a close when they place her casket in the ground.

He is gasping into the empty room. There isn't enough air in here. He is surprised that his legs are still able to keep him standing as he walks toward the single window. The glass is sealed, but he wants to open it. He needs the cold night air to fill his lungs. The chill of the temperature won't faze him at all. He isn't sure anything will perturb him ever again.

Elliot thinks about the unfairness of it all. Last night - had that really been just last night?  
He had been in bed, holding her voice to his ear. He had heard a lightness in her that he knows hadn't been present in years. She told him she was leaving the job, moving on.

Just twenty-four hours ago, she handed Cragen a letter of resignation, signing off on more than a decade of phenomenal law-enforcement. She had joked with him about needing fresh air and open spaces and he just happened to be the owner of such a plot of land, a few hours south. Her need for change had been real and maybe her desire to be with him had been real, too. Six more months and she would have been beside him. He would have had her for the rest of their lives.  
In truth, he thinks he has been wrong all along. It is Olivia who has always had him.

He needs to breathe. He needs to leave this room. He can't stay here, regardless of what Dickie had asked of him. He is moving then, faster than he would have thought possible only minutes ago.  
He has to get outside.  
He has the door open before he realizes that he has crossed the room. The illuminated EXIT sign hangs at the end of the corridor and he makes his way toward the green letters.

Elliot pushes through the door and out into the night. He stands in a nearly deserted parking lot and from the telltale snap of the door behind him, he knows he will have to walk around the front of the hospital to get back inside. Not that he cares. The cold barely registers, but at least it gives him something else to think about, to consider.

Elliot forces his feet to carry him through the darkened lot, toward a small open field on the other side of the blacktop. The combination of the light pollution and the low clouds make the night sky impossible to see. His gaze is drawn toward the front of the hospital, lit up in flashing red and blue lights.  
The cavalry has arrived.  
He remembers her smirking at him so many years ago when he made her promise that if he ever went down that she wouldn't make a big fuss.

The reality that she has gone where he can't follow is incomprehensible.

He doesn't want to go back inside and face people who will tell him they are sorry for the loss of her life. Members of the brass who will feed him all the company lines, but who never met her. They never watched her work with a victim, never listened to the soothing sound of her voice, never laid in bed for hours contemplating the surest way to make her laugh.

Elliot knows it is only a matter of time before one of his children comes looking for him. He only has minutes before he has to pull himself together and walk back toward the building where her body rests.

 _Inconceivable.  
_  
There is no way he will be able to see her. There will be no goodbye. The memories of this night will haunt him for the rest of his life without the image of her lying cold and still. He can only withstand so much and he is precariously close to his breaking point.  
He doesn't think he will be able to speak for weeks because his voice died with her. He doesn't want to be here. He doesn't want to stay in New York, the place that took her from him.

He wants to go home; to get in the truck and drive through the night back to the farmhouse. He thinks that if he drives fast enough he will be able to turn back the clock, to rewind to this morning, to answer her phone call, to hear her voice one more time. He would have told her to cut out of work early, to meet him at Kathleen's, to have dinner with them there.

He would have watched her so carefully, etching every tiny detail of her into his mind. The way she fiddled with her watch and smiled with her eyes. He would have grabbed her fingers and held her hand. She would have tossed him a look from beneath the fringe of her bangs, her dark eyelashes tangling in her hair.  
He would have held onto her, driven her back to her apartment, and told her.

He would have come clean, telling her about how much he cared, how much she meant to him, about how she was his best friend in the world, and the only person he couldn't see himself living without. He would have told her that he loved her.

Elliot never imagined anything beyond that. He never let himself wonder about how she would react or if she would reciprocate. It didn't matter. As long as she knew, as long as he got to tell her - that would have been enough.

The snow is soaking the hem of his jeans and the voices outside the front doors are growing louder. He doesn't look up as he crosses back over the concrete and makes his way toward the automatic doors. He slips past the group of officers standing just inside and he thinks it is fitting that he, too, has become a ghost.

The waiting room is crowded with law enforcement. Out of sheer habit, his eyes scan the room for her. He swallows the sick feeling threatening to overtake him when he doesn't find her.  
None of these cops are recognizable and he remembers that it's been a year and a half since he was a member of the NYPD. It isn't a surprise that he doesn't know anyone. He is thankful for the anonymity. It will make what he has to do easier.

His searching gaze falls on a blonde woman standing near the nurses' station. Her back is to Elliot and the way she is holding herself is familiar, but he can't for the life of him figure out who she is.

"Oh my God, Dad!"

At the sound of his daughter's voice, the blonde woman whirls around. "Elliot," she says his name.  
Kathy.  
He knows about trauma and how it can make you forget the names and faces of people you've known your whole life. The effect is frighteningly jarring, to think that he didn't know his ex-wife...

"Dad," Maureen is beside him now. His daughter has been crying and Elliot can tell that she wants to hug him, but he can't pull her toward himself.

He is still covered in Olivia's blood and irrationally he doesn't want to change his clothes. His hesitation is connected to losing the last tangible piece of the fact that she lived. To wash his hands and watch her blood swirl in the porcelain sink seems sacrilegious.

"Dad, it's okay. It's gonna be okay." His daughter is reassuring him, but she doesn't know what he does. He can feel Maureen's light eyes surveying him and he looks up when he hears her soft sob. He wants to hold her, to help her, but he can't. Nothing will ever be the same and he isn't ready to explain that to anyone when he can't yet explain it to himself.

Kathy puts her arms around their oldest child and moves Maureen away. Kathy's blue eyes are rimmed with red.  
"Are you okay?" She whispers. He knows the question is rhetorical because she doesn't wait for an answer. "The doctors need to talk to you."  
She presses her hand to his back and pushes him forward, toward the nurses' station. Just beyond the double doors he sees the unmistakable profile of his old captain. Cragen is here.

Elliot isn't ready for this. He isn't ready to see the man who surely knows the truth. The man who spent years defending the two of them, who put his ass on the line for them more times than he can count, who caught him staring at her over and over, but never said a word.  
Don knew. Sure, he did.

He knows what Olivia means to him.  
Don might the only person in the world who understands because he was there from moment go.

The history of the horrors, the rare triumphs, and twelve years of day in and day out are stretched between the span of the doorway. A few steps separate Elliot from the man who, the second he hears the cadence of his voice, will cause it all to come crumbling down.

It is too fast. The doors slide open.

"Elliot," Cragen says his name, as if fifteen minutes have passed since they last spoke. "We've been looking for you. The doctors need to talk to you. They can't tell me anything without you present."

Elliot has the fleeting thought to wonder why, as he steps forward and takes a good look at his former captain. He can tell by the impassive look on his face that Cragen isn't as calm as he appears to be. The man always was good under pressure.

Elliot doesn't want to hear it. Any of it. He knows and he wants to convey this without using words.  
A doctor steps away from the desk and Elliot raises his eyes to meet the man's gaze.

"Dr. Monroe. This is former NYPD Detective, Elliot Stabler," Cragen introduces them and Elliot finds the strength to shake the physician's hand. Monroe's eyes are kind and behind them Elliot can sense a fierce need to protect.

"Detective Stabler, would you walk with me? I'm not one for hallway discussions."  
Elliot feels himself nod, but he can't find the strength to make his feet take a step. Cragen's hand on his arm pushes him into motion. The doctor keeps a swift pace and Elliot is grateful because it means the man is efficient and deliberate. Like him. Like who he used to be.

They halt outside of a small office and Doctor Monroe waves him toward one of the three chairs. Elliot can't sit. Instead, he moves to stand against the wall while Cragen hesitates at the door.

Elliot knows what this room is used for. This is the room where the doctors do their best to make the unimaginable into reality, as tactfully as possible.  
These four walls must absorb emotion because Elliot can almost feel the lingering distress. He thinks it is ironic that the hospital chapel is three doors down. There is no space for praying in a room filled with one's worst demons. This is the room God forgot, the room where you learn how forsaken you really are. If the chapel is for resurrection, then this room is surely hell.

Elliot can't decide whether he wants their captain here or not. Don's presence has always been a source of comfort, but he isn't sure he wants Cragen to have to watch the implosion that is sure to come. Don surveys him for a moment and makes a decision, moving into the small space and leaning against the wall beside him.

Doctor Monroe says something to a passing nurse before he enters and closes the door behind him.  
Suddenly, Elliot can't breathe.  
He knows it is the sharp finality of the click of the door that has him rattled. Without the door open, the small room lacks air. There aren't any windows and with the door closed it becomes dimmer. It becomes too small, too closed off, too much like a coffin.

His chest aches and he is dying to just reach behind Don and grab the handle. If he makes it that far he might just leave. He might walk out of the room, out of the hospital, and into the night. He doesn't have a fucking clue where his keys are and he doesn't care. He'll walk all the way back to Virginia and he will start tonight. It will take him time and give him what he needs - a distraction.

Elliot looks down at his hands, his quaking fingertips are pressing hard into the back of the chair. He doesn't realize he is being spoken to until he feels two sets of hands pushing him into a seat.

When he looks up, the door is open once more and Dr. Monroe is hunched before him at eye-level. Elliot can feel Cragen's steadying grip on his shoulder and he is grateful. Don's hold is the only thing grounding him.

He forces his eyes open and takes in the doctor's expression. Monroe has got to be around 50, his blonde hair is mixing with gray, and his green eyes are serious. Enough years on the job have given Elliot a good sense of those who genuinely care about their duties and those who do not. Dr. Monroe is one of the good guys, not so different from them.  
He seems to carry with him each of the lives, lost and saved, in the lines on his face. Elliot can't imagine what this man did tonight to try to save Olivia's life. Their life. Saving hers would have preserved his by default.

He is sorry for what this physician has witnessed, for the ghosts that must reside in the late hours of occasional sleepless nights. He hopes Monroe has a family. His ring finger is clad in a gold band, unlike his own. Elliot hopes the guy has kids who make him laugh and a dog walk with. He hopes the doctor has a reprieve from all of the endings he witnesses. A safe-haven full of beginnings.

He is sorry that Monroe had to watch her life end. The doctor may never have known Olivia, but Elliot can tell this man holds onto everything and everyone. He takes his losses personally and feels them in his gut. Monroe is the kind of doctor you want working on you during your last minutes on earth.

Elliot isn't sorry this particular man was on call tonight. He was probably at dinner with his family when the call came in. Elliot won't apologize for interrupting. He isn't sorry this man was called because he knows Monroe gave Olivia the best possible chance at living.

"Elliot." Dr. Monroe is speaking and he has to try to pay attention. Every fiber in his being is threatening to betray him and collapse. Monroe is going to say the words and he isn't going to take them back. They aren't retractable, mutable, or considerate.  
He knows enough of how this works to be sure that this is how the speech begins. It sounds something like _I'm sorry for your loss_ , or _We did all we could_ , or _I know this will be difficult to hear._

Olivia will become a number, a statistic, a name in some medical report somewhere. All that counts now is time of death, cause of death. How many times had he listened to Melinda say those same words?  
The fact that Olivia had a whole life, that she had laughed, cried, and smiled. The fact that she stood for something, that she had tried to make the world a better place doesn't matter here. That she had _been his world_ doesn't matter here.

Mortality's indifference is brutal.

"Elliot." His name is repeated and he can't tell whether it is Cragen or Monroe who are speaking now. The words are coming.  
He looks up and he wants to tell them that he knows. They don't have to say anything, but his voice doesn't work. His physiological ability to speak perished with her. He has to try. "Doc," he rasps and he wonders if he made any sound at all.

Monroe is in the chair across from him, leaning toward him. "Olivia is stable."  
 _She's gone._  
"We have her in recovery..."  
 _She's what?_  
"...we're touch and go right now, but she's stable."  
 _She's alive?_  
"She experienced a cardiac event in the ambulance on the way in. More than likely, it was the combined loss of blood and her body's response to the shock of the accident itself."  
 _She's here?_  
"I'll let you know as soon as I have more information."

Elliot's last coherent thought before succumbing to the relief of blackness is that there are miracles left in this room after all.


	9. Chapter 9

**Author's Note:** Dear readers, hi! I am absolutely blown away by the response to what I thought was going to be very quiet little story. I couldn't be more grateful for your feedback and your time. I will take the time to respond to each and every one of your reviews and messages as soon as I possibly can! I can't wait to chat with you all and continue writing. Thank you again from the bottom of my heart. Enjoy!

* * *

The room is tilting.

Elliot shakes his head to clear the fog, but it only serves to make his lightheadedness worse. He tightens his grip on the sides of the sink and waits for the feeling to pass. He can't close his eyes because he knows all too well the images that will play out in the darkness behind his eyelids.  
He forces his eyes open.  
He can hear movement outside the door, but there aren't any running footsteps, no urgent voices.  
His faith is growing with every second that he spends in this bathroom without someone barging in to tell him that he has lost her for good.

He reminds himself to draw a deep breath and wonders how long it has been since he actually filled his lungs to their capacity. Twenty minutes ago, he had prayed his body would stop working for good and now he is fighting for air. He knows it will be days before his pulse rate returns to normal, but his trembling is slowly subsiding. He won't be able to believe anything he is told until he sees her for himself.

He lifts his head and looks into the mirror to meet his own gaze. God. He is too pale.  
He almost doesn't recognize the blue of his own eyes for the stark fear contained within them. His left cheek is streaked with Olivia's blood. His neck is smeared with red and he is sure that his shoulder and chest are stained through his clothes.

 _Loss of blood..._

Dr. Monroe's words echo in his ears and he shudders involuntarily, allowing himself another minute alone. He focuses on breathing.  
He has to take his time here because he can't fall apart when he sees her. Their future is still cloudy, _touch and_ go. He isn't sure what he will be up against in this fight, but he is certain he won't let the fear win.

He can't allow anxiety to occupy the space beside him. He has to rid himself of the fear as fully as he can before he sees her. He is acutely aware that she will pick up on every emotion he carries with him. Their inexplicable connection to sense each other has always been unfailing. He can't think too much about what has happened and he knows it will be weeks, maybe months, before he will allow himself to fill the full impact of this night.

He has to move. When he lets himself stand still, he feels unsteady and the floor seems to shift beneath his feet. It is almost as though his body and mind have too much to process and moving helps to calm his shredded nerves.

He leans forward and slides his hands beneath the spigot. The automatic sensor sprays water onto his skin. He touches the soap dispenser and the foam fills his palm.  
 _Wash._  
He lathers the skin of his hands, feeling the sharp sting of the soap in every nick and cut. He doesn't watch her blood swirl in the current, instead he focuses on the repetitive motions of his hands. He breathes and scrubs, breathes and rinses. He washes his face, wiping his cheek with a paper towel. He knows that he is going to have to change his clothes before he goes to her. She won't ever see the images seared into his mind. He will protect her by keeping her unaware.

The sound of the knock on the door is so gentle that it can only be one of two people in the world. Both of which are his daughters.  
"Dad, are you okay?" He can hear Kathleen's voice through the door. "I have your bag from the car." He opens the door to find Kathleen standing before him. She already has his duffel bag unzipped and is holding his spare t-shirt in her hands. He wants to thank her, to tell her to wait for him, to pull her to himself and hug her, but his voice fails him once more.

His child doesn't seem to need him to speak and she presses the t-shirt into his grip. He can see the understanding in Kathleen's eyes and he thinks she must know that Olivia is alive because he is still standing.  
He wants to give her that much, to tell Kathleen what he knows, but it is impossible. He sees her hand shaking slightly as she turns and motions to a door at the opposite end of the hallway. "We're all down there when you're ready, Dad."

As Elliot watches her the thought crosses his mind that this young woman is wholly his daughter. He sees Kathy in everything Maureen does. Her laugh is identical to her mother's and her easy personality is very much the same. Kathleen is much more he than Kathy with her battle armor and her heart beating on her sleeve. Elizabeth is a magnificent mix of them both.  
Now, he sees himself in the way Kathleen mercilessly worries her bottom lip as she becomes nervous.

"Leen," he tries for her name and whether she heard him or not, she turns back and falls into him. "Dad," Kathleen sobs out and he reminds himself to breathes against her. He hugs his daughter beneath the glow of the florescent lights and for a moment he is taken back to another hospital, years ago, when he held onto Olivia.

"What did they tell you?" Kathleen whispers, pulling back and wiping her cheeks with her sleeve.  
Elliot doesn't let her go. He leans forward and presses a kiss to her hair. He feels his heart breaking at the sight of his daughter's tears. He knows what Olivia means to her and he owes his child so much more than this. He swallows hard, "She's stable," he manages. "They're doing everything they can to keep her that way."

Kathleen nods and takes a shuddering deep breath. "When can we see her?"  
"The doctor is gonna keep us posted. We should know something soon." His words are designed to soothe his daughter and he finds himself praying that he hasn't just lied to her.

Kathleen nods again and turns just as Kathy steps into the hallway. Elliot can see by the tentative expression Kathy wears that his ex-wife is still in the dark about the events of the last two hours. He knows that she probably received a hysterical call from Kathleen and raced to the hospital. It isn't right that she doesn't know and he is going to have to tell her sooner than later.  
This will have a lasting impact on at least one of their children and it is only fair that Kathy knows everything he can tell her.

Kathy walks down the hall and envelopes their daughter in her arms. "You guys okay?" She asks, giving him a once over with her eyes. Against her mother, Kathleen has begun crying again and Elliot motions for Kathy to take their daughter back to the waiting room. Kathy doesn't hesitate and he watches them walk back down the hall, their footsteps in sync.

He closes the door of the bathroom once more and leans against the cool surface. His head is throbbing, his hands are aching, and his skin is crawling. His heart is beating too fast once more and he holds his breath for a moment to regain control. He has to change.  
He tosses his duffel bag onto the counter and pulls off his coat. The brown fabric is tinged with that unmistakable shade of dark red.  
He balls the coat up and shoves it into the bag as he pulls out a clean t-shirt. This morning he packed this overnight bag for his brief stay at Kathleen's. There is no way he ever could have known that he would be living on its contents for a few days.

He starts to strip off the gray t-shirt he wears. Though the blood has long dried, the cotton clings to his skin as he pulls it away from his body. He chances a glance in the mirror and sees that the left side of his chest and shoulder are stained with Olivia's blood.  
She is on his skin. _In_ him.  
He thinks that no matter how many times he showers, he is always going to see the dark red shadow that could have signified the loss of her life.  
Elliot swallows the wave of nausea that threatens to overtake him and reaches for some paper towels. He wets the towels and does his best to wipe his skin clean. The t-shirt he packed is a navy color and its long sleeves will cover what remains of the blood on his arms.

Another deep breath and Elliot forces himself out the door. The duffel bag he carries is heavy with the weight of his coat. He knows Kathy will insist on taking it to her place to wash his clothes, but he won't let her. He doesn't think he will ever be able to wear the coat again.

He walks the forty-nine steps down the hallway at a slower clip than usual. He is still unsteady on his feet and there are moments when the ground seems to shift beneath his shoes. He tries to remember to breathe.

He stands in the doorway of the small waiting room and Maureen is up before he can step inside.  
This is his family.  
Part of it. Lizzie is missing and he wonders where she is.  
Olivia is missing too, and he prays that she is not so lost that he won't be able to find her.  
"Mommy, Mom..." Eli is squirming in Kathy's arms, trying to break free of her hold on him. Dickie is standing by the window, leaning against the wall. Kathleen sits to her mother's right and Maureen just vacated the seat on the other side of her sister.

No one says a word and Elliot is grateful because he still doesn't have the ability to say much. Maureen wraps her arms around him and he holds his oldest daughter for long moments. Kathy gives up trying to hold Eli back and Maureen pulls away just as his youngest comes bolting toward him.  
The juxtaposition doesn't escape him.  
He lifts Eli up into his arms in one second flat. This kid...  
The feeling of his baby's heart fluttering against his own chest is enough to make Elliot close his eyes. "Daddy, are you 'kay?" Eli is asking over and over, his little voice resounding in Elliot's ears. "Are you 'kay, Daddy? Where'd you go?"

Elliot brushes Eli's curls away from his face and kisses his cheek. "It's all right, buddy," Elliot whispers, rubbing Eli's back. "I have some stuff I need to take care of, okay? But I'm all right." He is assuring himself just as much as his son. "Don't worry, pal."  
He pulls back to gaze into his child's face. The look in Eli's crystal blue eyes is too serious for someone all of five years of age.

Rationally, he knows that Eli will recover in a day. His son is still buoyant enough that these events won't stay with him for long. Nevertheless, he still has the desperate desire to rewind this night and go back into the light of day. He wants to erase the fear from all of his children and box up the anxiety.

He momentarily imagines where he would be right now if the kids had stayed in Virginia one more night.  
If he had planned with Kathy to bring them home tomorrow, on New Year's Eve.  
He would be cleaning up the bathroom while Eli played battleship in the tub. Kathleen would have been in her room, packing for the morning. He would have heard her singing along to her music when he went to the linen closet to grab Eli a fresh towel.  
His children would have gone to bed this night blissfully unaware of these events. They never would have know that anything had happened. Their collective consciousness would not have changed.

 _No._

That's not right. He is wrong and the thought barrels into him like a runaway train.  
Simply because he might have had control over his children doesn't mean he would have had any power over Olivia.  
Olivia still would have driven out of the city.  
What the hell was she doing?

The young woman with the baby in the car still would have taken the curve too quickly and Olivia would have been forced to swerve to avoid colliding. Her car would have barrelled down the hill and into the darkness and his truck wouldn't have rounded the bend at the exact moment of impact.  
He wouldn't have been there. He wouldn't have seen her.  
He wonders if he would have known anything happened at all. He has to believe that their connection to each other is still strong enough that he would have felt something, some gnawing sense of anxiety that would have lead him to call Cragen.

His children's world would have imploded anyway. He can't focus on the phone call he would have received while getting Eli ready for bed. He can't think about how he would have forced himself outside into the darkness that would have matched his mind. He doesn't want to think about how closely Heidi would have followed him. He can't imagine the frantic look on Kathleen's face when she would have put the pieces together and come looking for him. He wouldn't have been able to kiss Eli goodnight or to look at his son for days.

Olivia would have died and one way or another he would have gone with her. His slide into oblivion might have been slower than hers, but the end would have been inevitably the same.  
The level of destruction would have been catastrophic.  
He isn't proud of the knowledge that he would have been broken. He knows that he's a selfish prick and the guilt eats him alive that he wouldn't have been able to pull through for his kids. But he is so damned human and there isn't anyone in the world who reminds him of that more than Olivia. The way he needs her - _needs her_ \- defies the logic of the greatest thinkers of all time, but it sure as hell has always made sense to him.

He knows they aren't out of the woods yet.

He has to believe that there is some basis for the way the events of this night unfolded as they did. There is a reason he was on that road tonight. There is a reason he had to rearrange the contents of the truck so many times, a reason why they pulled out of the driveway late. There is a reason why the snow slowed them down and a reason why his tires rounded that slippery curve at the moment they did. The reason is lying in recovery. Olivia.

Elliot feels Eli's little hands moving against his shoulder, patting him as he walks them slowly around the room. He has begun rocking his son, swaying on his feet and the motion soothes him as much as it soothes Eli.

Maureen reaches up and offers to take her brother from Elliot once, but he shakes his head silently. The warm weight of his sleepy child is grounding him. Eli's soft curls tickle his neck as his son burrows into his shoulder. His baby gives him a momentary reprieve as Eli's faith in him as his protector provides him with the gentlest sense of peace in the midst of all his fear.

Elliot's eyes snap open when he hears quick footsteps in the hallway. He meets Dickie's gaze and his son nods toward the door. Dr. Monroe is back and his face is impassive as he motions Elliot toward him.  
Kathy reaches for Eli this time, but Elliot holds onto their son. Eli is sleeping against his shoulder and Elliot's world has narrowed to keeping his child that way, quiet, peaceful. He thinks that Eli might be holding him and not the other way around.

Elliot shifts his son slightly as he moves out into the hallway with Dr. Monroe. "I'm glad to see you got a chance to clean up," Monroe says, keeping his voice low. Elliot nods, clenching his jaw. He tries to read the other man's face. The doctor's eyes are tired, but Elliot doesn't see defeat reflected back at him.

"I feel confident enough that I can tell you we've made it past touch and go. Olivia is stable and her vitals are strong. We're going to keep her here overnight for observation and then provided that all goes well we'll transfer her up to a room on the main floor tomorrow."

Elliot feels himself sink slightly in his stance and Eli's soft breaths against his skin remind him to inhale. _Relief.  
_ He knows he won't be able to relax until he sees her for himself. He has to be beside her, holding onto her. He has to see her with his own eyes and make the judgment call for himself.  
As a physician, Monroe is one of the best, but the doctor doesn't have the history with Olivia that he does. Elliot knows that he will be able to perceive the subtlest variances in her expression, her eyes, her voice. He is almost apprehensive about the number of changes he will see in her. He is well aware that he will have to be the one to answer her questions. Olivia has never been one to let anything go and this won't be any different. He is going to have to tell her everything and he will.  
Just not tonight.

There is something else Dr. Monroe wants to say. Elliot can see it in the slight tilt of his head, the furrow of his brows. "Doc," Elliot starts, but Monroe shakes his head. "We're looking at a sprained wrist and some bruised ribs and bruising around her hip, all on the left side. Cuts to her face, neck, and bruising to her jaw. She sustained a fairly deep abrasion to her mid back, some twenty stitches. She will have some moderate whiplash and she sustained a hard blow to the left side of her head. Preliminary scans show no indication of trauma, but we'll watch her for any signs."  
Elliot's mind is racing through Monroe's report. He knows enough to be aware that Olivia will be shaky and unsure. A blow to her head may mean she might not remember the accident at all.

"We have her on her fluids and pain medication." The doctor checks his watch, "As of twelve minutes ago, she was asleep." Monroe's words are stunning.  
An hour ago, Elliot couldn't fathom a world where Olivia's heart was still beating. Now he is being given a detailed look into her prognosis, her next few weeks, her future. _Their future_ , he thinks because he sure as hell isn't leaving her side ever again.

Dr. Monroe is moving past him before Elliot can say a word. "Go talk to your children, Elliot. I'm sure I'll see you when I check in with Ms. Benson again." Elliot nods because his words fail him and the feeling of Eli's little hands unconsciously gripping his shirt is pulling him toward his family.

Elliot turns around and walks the seventeen steps back toward the waiting room. The next few minutes with his family are a blur of tears, talk, and logistics. Despite the commotion, Eli remains asleep.  
His son snuggles closer to him and buries his face into Elliot's neck. Eli is so blissfully unaware and Elliot prays his child remains that way for as long as possible. He prays that Olivia will be as oblivious to the events of this evening, but he won't push his luck. He thinks about the last thing Monroe said, that Olivia was resting. She is alive and she is fighting.

Somewhere in this hospital, just like his son, Olivia sleeps on.


	10. Chapter 10

**Author's Note:** Thank you all so much for your time and feedback. I so appreciate everything! More to come...

* * *

He follows Kathy out the set of double doors and into the parking lot. Eli curls bob on his mother's shoulder as they make their way toward Kathy's Subaru.

The metal of the handle is freezing to his touch as he opens the back door and moves aside to let Kathy settle their son into his booster seat. Elliot searches the lot for the space where Kathleen parked and he spies the truck some dozen spots away.  
"I'll pull the truck over and grab his bags," Elliot tells Kathy as she emerges from the back seat. His ex-wife nods and he sees her shiver in the cold breeze. "Get warmed up in the car, Kath. I'll put E's stuff in the trunk."

Elliot makes his way over the slick concrete toward his truck. He feels as though he is on autopilot, as though he is watching himself from another vantage point. Nothing about this night feels real and he doubts that his firm grasp on reality will return anytime soon.

His eyes itch with tiredness, but he knows that he still has hours ahead of him before he will be able to rest.  
Olivia might sleep all the way through the night. She will have to have scans and tests run on her in the morning and he sure as hell isn't going to leave her anytime soon. The temperature inside the truck is colder than outside, but he doesn't bother to turn on the heat to drive a few hundred feet down the lot.

He feels strange being behind the steering wheel. The last time he sat in this seat he had been a different person. He doesn't allow himself to think too much. He can't fathom the implications this night will have for his future and he doesn't want to speculate about the changes right now.

His tires roll over the ground at a snail's pace and he knows he is going to have to reteach himself not to be gun shy about driving. A vehicle is a weapon and the weather can be a dangerous catalyst. He pulls up beside Kathy's car and turns off the engine before stepping down from the truck.

He moves to the side and opens the back door, climbing into the back seat for Eli's belongings. The rear seat is darker than usual because the makeshift blanket screen that Kathleen had put up still hangs between the seats. Elliot feels a ghost of a smile tugging at his lips when he hears the telltale sound of Cheerios crunching beneath his knees.

As he withdraws from the rear seat with Eli's bags, he hears the car door close and he turns to look at his Kathy. She wordlessly takes one of their son's bags from his grasp and sets it into the trunk. He copies the motion, placing Eli's remaining belongings in the trunk space. He stands beside her for a moment. "Kath," Elliot manages. "Thank you." Kathy seems startled when she looks up at him. "Elliot, I didn't do anything."

He shakes his head, "You did. You came." He isn't sure what exactly he is trying to convey, but he knows that he owes her so much.  
"You'll call if you need anything?" She asks.  
He nods in acknowledgement and Kathy continues to speak. "You're more than welcome at the house, you know? If you need to eat, or sleep, or take a shower." She smiles slightly and the sight makes the tightness in his chest loosen. "Might take you up on that tomorrow," he replies, gratefully.

"I better get the little one to bed," Kathy says, motioning toward the car. Elliot nods again, "Yeah, I'm gonna be sending the rest of them home shortly."  
His ex-wife looks back at him, "Good luck."

He doesn't understand and she sees it in his expression.

"Do you really think they're going to leave you?" She asks, gently. Elliot feels a wave of emotion threaten to engulf him and fixes his gaze on the back wheel of the Subaru. He can tell that Kathy's question isn't rhetorical by the feeling of her hand on his arm. She is genuinely asking him, but he doesn't have an answer for her. "I don't know, Kath," he says, his voice low. "Well, I do," she replies, "Let them stay."

He presses his fingers into the tight muscles of his neck. "I don't want the kids here all night. I want them to get some rest."  
Kathy laughs lightly, "I know you do, but they're all grown up, Elliot. You can't tell them it's past their bedtime."

Elliot shakes his head, but he knows Kathy is right and that all three of their children will put up a fight if he asks them to go home. "Be careful," he tells her. "Keep me updated," she says in reply as she situates herself in the front seat and closes the door.

* * *

The lights inside the hospital seem even brighter now that his eyes have become accustomed to dark parking lot, lit only by street lamps. Elliot tugs his sleeve back to check his watch before he realizes that he isn't wearing it. He doesn't remember, but he must have taken it off.

He walks slowly through the deserted hallways. His children weren't in the waiting room when he returned and he is sure that means they must have taken a walk.  
He has decided to do the same.  
His legs are tired, but every time he sits he can feel himself start to shake. At least he has the illusion of control while he is standing.  
This hallway looks familiar, although they all start to look the same after a while. Elliot wonders how people ever figure out where they are in a place like this.

The image of the cross catches his eye and somehow he isn't surprised that somehow he found his way back to the hall with the chapel. He passes the small sitting room where Dr. Monroe first spoke to him an hour ago. How can some passages of sixty minutes go by in a heartbeat while others seem to stretch on for much longer?

His presses against the door with his shoulder and moves into the quiet space. The chapel is small by church standards, but it more than serves its purpose. It is dimly lit with wall sconces that throw parts of the room into shadow. There are five rows of seats with small benches for kneeling placed before each chair.

Elliot walks down the side aisle toward the statue of Saint Joseph. In Virginia, St. Joe's is his parish. He had taken Kathleen and Eli to mass two night ago - no just last night, Saturday.  
It is unbelievable that it was just hours ago that he sat in his church five hours South, when he feels like he hasn't been home in months.

This night is strange, lingering on for what seems like forever. He knows traumatic events can effect one's perception of time and certainty and he is trying not to worry. He has to believe that he will receive some news soon. Elliot raises his eyes toward the front of the chapel where, illuminated by a soft glow, hangs the crucifix.

He swallows hard and sweeps the small space with his eyes, making sure he is alone. He moves to stand in front of the crucifix and genuflects, blessing himself with the sign of the cross. He lowers himself into a chair in the first row and kneels down.

He is unsure of what to say, if anything.

An hour ago, he had been certain that his God had forsaken him to the deepest degree and now...now he has to believe.  
In his lifetime, his faith has been shaken more times than he is proud of as a man and as a Catholic. He thinks his job had something to do with his wavering conviction. The harshness and brutality of the things he witnessed on the streets seemed so irreconcilable with that he knew of a merciful God.

He would lay awake for long hours after Kathy fell asleep and wonder how God could allow these things to happen. The seven year old molested by her older brother. The mother of three beaten to death by the man she called her husband...The blood, the cries, the numb look in the eyes of so many of the victims. The job made it much easier to believe in hell on Earth than in salvation in Heaven.

But then something would happen to remind him. His family would remind him. Olivia would remind him. In their own unique ways, they would show him their goodness, their grace, their loyalty to him. Each time, he would relearn how to trust through their innate compassion.

Regardless of how long he stayed away, he always found his way back to the church and the belief that his trust and hope were not in vain. He thinks it has something to do with the desperate need to believe that there is something more powerful than all the evil that he has witnessed.

Here in New York, his attendance at mass was hit or miss. The job was always an obstacle to his timing and his schedule. He made regular visits to their church, but he can count the number of times he attended with his entire family on one hand.

Since the move to Virginia, he has been going every week. He thinks he is probably a hypocrite because he realizes it is so much easier to feel strong in faith when life is smooth sailing. It is something else entirely to cling to the life raft in the midst of a raging storm and keep believing.

But his time in Virginia has helped him, changed him, and healed him deep inside. Everyone always said that their unit should have had term limits. The degree of inhumanity they interacted with on a daily basis wasn't normal. Spend enough time in a situation, good or bad, and you begin to believe that it is the truth. Elliot has realized that his view of the world was so tainted by his time in the unit. He had believed the worst in everyone, his loved ones included. He had also believed the worst in himself. That revelation had been the most difficult to swallow.

They all should have taken their turn and moved on. The demons would have been exorcised from their heads long ago. He thinks that he stayed too long and now that Olivia has come to that conclusion for herself, he knows they are right.

He prays that he was able to help during his time with the NYPD. He prays that it will be enough. That he might have made someone's life a little easier. The knowledge comforts him and allows him to move forward. He realizes now that he struggled to maintain a strong faith in God when all that surrounded him was barbaric.  
He had to leave the job, to leave the place where fear was included in all of his memories.

He has come to the conclusion that life wasn't like that for other people. They didn't see the their absolute worst nightmares during the waking hours of every single day. They didn't know the inside of the minds of perpetrators of the worst kind. Elliot didn't want to know anymore. He would always be aware on some level, but he didn't want to know any longer.

He understands that bad things happen. They happen here, they happen in Virginia, in Montana, everywhere.  
For so many years his life has been constructed with fear as the building blocks. He sees the damage that the job has done, the toll he let it take on every aspect of his life. He knows that the anxiety he tried so hard to keep from impacting his children during their childhood seeped into their consciousness anyway.

He knows that this is the strongest appeal of his new life in Virginia. He has made it his mission to replace the fear inside of him with light and life and movement. He has craved gentleness and routine and a regular bedtime. He wanted a place for this children to call home and to get to know him, as he became acquainted with himself.

The light-filled farm house in Virginia has taken him away from the noise and the atrocities. There is no place for fear in an open field at dawn, when the colors of the sky wake so gently and paint the celestial canvas in the softest hues of pink and orange. There is no space for ghosts in the hammock on the back porch after dark when the deck is still warm from the sun and the fireflies come out to play, their numbers so vast that you can confuse their lights with the stars above.

"Please," he whispers aloud, "Please." He is unsure of what he is pleading for, but he hopes someone will put in a good word for him. There is so much he wants to ask for, for Olivia, for his children, for himself. Tonight has stripped all thought of the future away and forced him to focus on the now, now, now.  
He has to wait for permission to see Olivia. He has to wait for her to wake up.  
He has to wait.  
Every second that ticks past is an instant closer to that moment and the growing expanse of his world has been abruptly halted by life itself. Wait.  
The last year he has worked so hard to stop compartmentalizing every element of his life, but this night will make his well-honed skills come in handy. He has to focus on the concrete and the tangible. Not tomorrow, not next week.  
Olivia. Right now.

He stills when he feels a change in the air behind him and he hears the gentle scuff of dress shoes on the floor.

Cragen lowers himself into the seat beside him and leans back with a deep sigh. His former captain looks as exhausted as he feels.  
Elliot doesn't know what this man went through tonight and he isn't sure that he is ready to find out. In order to ask about Olivia, he has to open his mouth and speak. He has to will the jumble of questions in his mind into words.

"Capt," he starts and his throat aches with the effort. Don doesn't look at him, instead Elliot can see his gaze fixed on the statue of the Blessed Mother.  
"She drove out to Woodbury to talk with the family of a seventeen year old girl. The girl got off the bus on Thursday afternoon and never made it the two blocks home."  
Elliot leans forward, pressing his elbows into his thighs. He knows how this story ends.  
"I told Olivia it could wait until the morning, but..." Cragen falls silent and Elliot can feel the older man's stare. "You know as well as I do that she wasn't going to let a family suffer through one more night."

Elliot doesn't have the strength to nod anymore. "I got the call and they described the accident to me and somehow I knew. I'm sitting in my car, going sixty in a forty-five zone and I'm listening to them give me the details and I can't explain it."

"What, Capt?" Elliot asks.

"I knew it was you. Somehow, I knew you were with her."  
Elliot closes his eyes against the burn of tears. He doesn't know what to say.  
He could confirm the story for his former captain. He could ask him if he has heard any news. He can't tell him about how he thought she had died, that she had left him. He can't tell Cragen about how small and lifeless she looked in the front seat. He can't talk about how he should have been beside her, how he never should have left her, how much he needs her now.

"I'm not telling her anything," Elliot rasps, suddenly and he is surprised that he is able to speak at all. "No, not yet," Cragen replies.  
"Not ever," Elliot shoots back, "She doesn't need to know, Capt."

"Elliot."

He doesn't want to be told he is wrong. His mind settles on the question that has been sitting on his tongue all night. "Why was she alone in the car?" He asks, "Doesn't she have a-" the word hurts, "a partner?"  
He knows the answer. Daniel McCabe. Forty-four years old. Commendations out the ass. Born and raised in the Bronx. Two kids.  
Cragen nods.  
"Where the hell is he?"  
Cragen shoots a glance his way. "I think I'm looking at him."

Elliot stands abruptly. All at once, he is angry.

"McCabe's father-in-law died this morning, Elliot. Around noon, he asked for permission to go home to be with his wife and his children."

Elliot can hear by the measured tone of Cragen's voice that he is treading on thin ice. Don is being lenient with him because of everything that has happened, but he won't let him throw his weight around too much. He is no longer a member of the NYPD, after all.

"He should have been with her," Elliot rumbles and suddenly he isn't sure whether he is talking about McCabe or himself. He wants someone to blame for what happened tonight because the guilt is eating him alive.

Cragen lets him go. The man knows him well enough not to feed into his temper, no matter how badly Elliot wants to argue. He wants to feel something other than the ache and it has been a long time since he has been this out of sorts. He has to get himself under control.

"Elliot, it was an accident. Even if you had been beside her you couldn't have prevented any of this."  
Cragen knows him too well.  
"Capt, please don't try to shrink me right now," Elliot growls, turning away from Don's gaze.

He wants something else to focus on, anything to take his mind off of this. The gentlest tap on the door captures his attention and his oldest daughter slips inside.  
"Dad," Maureen stops walking when she sees his former superior officer. Elliot can tell that she thinks she has unwittingly stumbled into their private conversation, but it is her interruption that has saved him. "I'm sorry, Captain Cragen. I didn't mean to-," she starts, but Don waves her words away.

Elliot finds Maureen's eyes. "Dad, you met Rebecca Raleigh earlier?" Elliot can tell by the look on his daughter's face that she knows he doesn't have a clue who she is speaking about.  
Maureen is patient with him.  
"Rebecca is a nurse here," she explains, "We were friends at school. She met you in the hallway earlier."

Nurse. Hallway. Purple scrubs. He remembers and nods. "She says she can take us to see Olivia whenever you're ready."

Ready. What a touchy word. Elliot forces himself to breathe.  
Has he been ready for the last hour to just start walking into random hospital rooms, checking patient charts to look for her name? Yes.  
Is he ready to see her bruised and hurt and nearly broken? No. The truth is this is something he will never be ready for no matter how much time he has to prepare.  
He takes another breath and follows Maureen out of the chapel. He holds the door for Cragen and his former captain nods in acknowledgement. Before he steps out into the hallway, he turns and genuflects, blessing himself with the sign of the cross. "Please," he prays once more to anyone who might be listening. "Help me to help her."


	11. Chapter 11

**Author's Note:** Thank you all so much for your feedback and reviews. I think I've managed to reply to everyone - please feel free to message me if I neglected to thank you. Thank you all for reading! More to come. Enjoy!

* * *

 _Spearmint._

Elliot leans heavily against the wall outside Olivia's room. His head is pounding and his stomach is threatening to roll again. One minute he had been following Maureen down the hallway and the next he was ducking into the restroom to throw up once more. His daughter had waited for him outside and wordlessly handed him a stick of gum. _Spearmint._  
When he presses his head back against the wall, he can feel himself shaking again and he doesn't think he has the ability to try and disguise his anxiety anymore.

He is going to walk into that room in a minute, maybe two. His children have been just inside the door, four feet away for the last thirty seconds.

It seems ludicrous that now at this very last moment his strength is deserting him. He has to at least try for some control. He can't break when he sees her. He can't let her see the panic in his eyes or the fear in his face. He knows she will pick up on each and every cue that he gives her, however unwittingly. He has to mask it all.

He takes a breath and follows it with another. He is still nauseous, but the gum is helping. _Spearmint.  
_ There is no way Maureen ever could have known that over the last decade, the cup holder between the seats of their sedan had held thousands of spearmint gum wrappers, identical to the one he holds in his hand now.

For months after he left the city, he carried the last wrapper she discarded, in his pocket.

She had been on the phone and he had been standing close enough to her to hear the caller's voice. He doesn't remember the message but he does remember the spearmint. Olivia had just popped a piece of gum in her mouth when she turned quickly toward him, paper and pen in her right hand and gum wrapper in her left.  
"Throw this away for me?" She mouthed, slipping the wrapper into his palm. He had given her a playfully exasperated look which she had returned with a grateful grin.  
He had slid the wrapper into his pocket without thinking about it, as he leaned over her desk to watch her write down some information. He was going to make come wisecrack about how he was doing her dirty work for her when the light press of her hand against his arm caused him to forget his own name.

He carried the little piece of wrapper paper around with him in Virginia for one hundred and twenty-two days until he forgot to check the pocket of his jeans before tossing them into the washer. He knows it was irrational, but the loss left him feeling bereft for weeks afterward.

And tonight he chews spearmint gum. It forces him to breathe and swallow. It gives him something to focus on.

Breathe.  
Swallow.

 _Breathe._

Dickie steps out of the room and comes to stand in front of him. "Olivia's asleep, Dad," his son says, quietly.  
Elliot exhales. God is merciful for the umpteenth time tonight.

This he can handle. He can see her fast asleep. It will give him time to register the shock and reacquaint himself with her beautiful, but bruised face before she wakes up. He can't see her for the first time while she is awake. He will lose every ounce of restraint he has because the last time he saw her he thought she was dying in his arms. This gives him a chance to ease back in for however long he has until Olivia wakes.

His daughters move out into the hallway beside their brother. Kathleen is teary again and Maureen holds her sister close. His oldest daughter nods to him encouragingly before he feels her hand push him forward into the room.

She is asleep.

Olivia.

She is curled on her right side under more than one white blanket. Her bangs are pinned back with a bobbie pin, giving him an unobscured view of her face. Her left side of her forehead is dashed with blood. He can see the gash on her neck peeking from beneath the blanket.  
He thinks about the last time he touched her there, how faint her pulse felt beneath his frantic fingers. The soft incessant beeping sound coming from the machine in the corner tells him that her heart is beating away. Her jaw is tinged with the beginnings of a dark purple bruise and her left hand is wrapped in gauze. Still, she sleeps.

As Elliot moves closer, he can see the cut to her lower lip and scratches across her cheek. He wonders if kissing her there will cause her to stir. He doesn't want to wake her. He wants her to sleep for as long as she can.  
He presses a light kiss to the top of her head. The smell of her hair is infinitely comforting and familiar. Coconut. Her shampoo.

He hadn't noticed the scent for his first six years by her side. He doesn't know whether that is because she changed shampoo brands or because he simply wasn't paying attention.  
He thinks it is the former because he remembers so much from their time together.  
The coconut marks cradling her to his chest in an airport parking lot, believing a bullet to have pierced her skin. It is feeling her agonizing gasps against his shoulder as he held her on the night Sonya died, when he had come so close to losing her, too. It is hundreds of miles in the sedan and dozens of late nights across their desks. It marks their past, their present, and God-willing, their future.

He wants to kiss her again and to hold her, but he can hear his children in the hallway and he has to get them home. A glance at the digital clock on the wall tells Elliot it is just after 10:30pm. With any luck, he will be able to get his kids home before midnight.

"I'll be right back, Liv," he whispers as he pulls himself away from her bedside.

Dickie, Maureen, and Kathleen stand together in the hallway. Elliot shakes his head as the outline of his children blurs before him.  
"You okay, Dad?" Dickie asks, touching Elliot's arm.  
He manages a nod and a sharp exhale. "Yeah," he replies, taking all three of them in with his eyes. He prays for the strength to talk to his children.

"Hopefully, Liv will sleep through the night and then in the morning the doctor says they'll run some tests to see how she's doing."  
Dickie looks at his sisters and then meets Elliot's gaze. "We're glad, Dad. We're glad that Liv is okay." Leave it to his usually quiet son to be the only one who has words for this night.

Elliot nods again in acknowledgement. He needs his voice to last just a few minutes more. He has things to convey to his children, information that is necessary. He eyes the trio, "I need you to do something for me." All three of his children nod. "Anything, Dad," Maureen says.  
Elliot holds his breath, "I need you to go home."  
The protests begin:  
"Dad."  
"No way, we're staying."  
"Ask us for anything, but that."

Elliot sighs, scrubbing his palm over his face. "Guys listen, what you did for me tonight-," he worries his bottom lip because he doesn't have words to convey to his children when it means to have had them there with him. They have stayed beside him tonight on their own volition and he could not be more grateful.

He has to find a way to tell them.

"You staying here with me means everything. Thank you." His voice is low and feels rough in his throat.  
Now, it is Maureen's turn to cry. His oldest daughter wipes her eyes on the sleeve of her sweater. "But I need you to go home. It's getting late."  
"Dad, we're not five."  
Elliot ignores his oldest son and presses on. "You wanna help me? You wanna do what's best for me and for Liv? Go home and get some rest. I can't be worrying about you guys, too."

Kathleen starts to protest once more and Elliot cuts her off. "I'll call you the minute anything happens."  
He looks to his son imploringly, "Take the girls home."  
His boy is stubborn as all get out. Dickie faces him, defiantly. "What are you going to do?"  
Elliot points to the reclining chair in Olivia room. "See that chair there? It's got my name on it. I'm gonna get some sleep, but I need to know you're home safe first."

He hears Maureen sigh and he knows that he is wearing them down. His children exchange glances and Elliot thinks some unspoken message must pass between the three of them because they all give in at once.

"I'll go get the car." Dickie says, reaching into his pocket for the keys. Kathleen looks as though she is about to fall asleep on her feet and Elliot reaches for her, hugging her close. Elliot feels Maureen's touch against his back as she follows her brother out to retrieve the car. He needs one more moment with his second-oldest child.

"Leen," he says her name. "Listen." Kathleen's light eyes are bloodshot when she looks at him. Elliot swallows hard. "We're not gonna tell Liv about this."  
Kathleen brow is furrowed with exhaustion. "About tonight, you mean?"  
Elliot shakes his head, treading cautiously. "No, I mean, we're not telling her about any of this."  
"What are you going to say?" She doesn't understand. He worries his bottom lip. "I'm gonna tell her I was driving you guys home and we got the call that she had been in an accident, and we came here right away."

His daughter's eyes are wide as she searches his face. "You're going to lie to Liv?"  
Elliot rolls his neck and takes a breath. "It's not a lie, Leen."  
"It's an omission of truth, Dad. Let's not split hairs."

"Kathleen," Elliot forces himself to breathe, "She doesn't need to know. I'm trying to protect her. She doesn't need this in her head."  
"And what, like you do?" Kathleen retorts. "Liv can read you like a book. She's going to find out."

Elliot turns from his daughter then, taking a few steps down the hall.  
He knows Kathleen is correct, but he doesn't want to hear it. Right now, his stamina is rapidly deteriorating and he doesn't feel like explaining his reasoning to anyone, let alone his twenty-three year old daughter.

"You really don't know anything about women, Dad," Kathleen presses on, softly. He turns back to look at her. She stands in the middle of the hallway, facing him. "I won't say anything, but rethink this after you've gotten some sleep, okay?"

He doesn't know what he has done to be blessed with such amazing children. His daughter's answer is fair and it leaves room for both of their stances to be taken up again another time. Elliot nods, affirming that her request will echo in his mind over the next few days. Kathleen looks past him and Elliot turns to see Maureen and Dickie make their way back toward him.

His son stops walking and withdraws his cell phone from his pocket. "Maur," Dickie calls to his sister, "It's Liz. What do I tell her?"  
Maureen shakes her head, "Nothing. Mom is going to let her know in the morning."

Elliot is struggling to put the pieces together and when Maureen turns to look at him he can tell she is trying to keep a neutral expression. "Where's Lizzie?" He asks.

He watches his daughter take a breath and the sight takes him back to standing in their kitchen in the house in Queens. His time in Virginia has helped him to realizes that back then he hadn't made himself easy to talk to. The things he saw everyday wound him up and his temper always sat precariously on a hairline trigger. His fanatical attempts to protect his children only served to widen the ever-growing gap in their relationship with him.

He hates that he made his children feel the need to tiptoe around him for years. He wants to wipe away the flash of anxiety he just saw in Maureen's eyes.  
He isn't that man anymore and he has done everything in his power to show them that he is different now.

That he has changed.

His children know, but Elliot can tell that the memories of who he used to be still linger on the outskirts of their minds. He prays they won't refrain from telling him anything for fear of his reaction. More than that, he prays for the strength to be the man he knows he can be, the father they deserve. He prays for the strength to prove the years of their memories of him wrong.

"Liz is skiing with the girls in the Poconos. They drove out on Thursday." In this moment, Maureen is indistinguishable from her mother. She has Kathy's even tone and her gentle way of explaining things.

Elliot remembers then.

Lizzie had called on Wednesday night to let him know she was making the trip with her two best friends. His youngest daughter had sounded tentative at first, as if she was asking him for permission to go. His children know that his law-enforcement instincts will always reside inside of him, but first and foremost, he wants them to know that he is their father.

Elliot knows Lizzie's friends.

Taylor and Chelsea are practically two more of Liz's sisters. They are amazing young women and Elliot trusts each of them explicitly.  
Of all of his children, Lizzie is the very last one to get herself into any sort of compromising situation. He knows this deep in his gut and he told Lizzie, then.  
He told her how much he trusts her and truly wanted her to go and have a good time. His daughter's voice had lightened considerably and her sweet laugh had made him grin. "Thanks Dad," Lizzie said softly, before hanging up. "Thanks for having faith in me."

Elliot had closed his eyes for long moments after she disconnected the call.  
Isn't that is all anyone has ever wanted?  
To know those they love have faith in them, faith that they will do the right thing, belief in who they are as a person? More importantly, he wants his children to have faith in themselves. He wants that for himself, too.

His time in Virginia has helped. He has become more sure of himself and calmer, but he is aware that it is a daily struggle, not a destination. He resolved then to remind his children everyday of his belief in them. It doesn't escape Elliot that tonight has shaken his faith in almost everything down to the foundation. He knows it is going to be a slow rebuilding process, but he has to start now.

Maureen's hand rests on his arm. His oldest daughter continues to offer him an explanation. "Mom is going to call her in the morning. You know Liz. She'll be on the road home tonight if we tell her now." Elliot debates asking his children to forgo telling their sister at all. Lizzie will panic and race to his side and that is the very last outcome he wants. Something forces him to bite his tongue.  
He has to be honest with his youngest daughter. Lizzie will be furious with him upon her return home if she isn't brought up to speed. He doesn't want her to be angry with him, either. He realizes then that he can't always protect his children and be truthful with them at the same time. He can't have it both ways. Something has to give.

"You'll text us, Dad?" Dickie is seeking reassurance as Elliot envelops his son in a hug. "I'll keep you posted."

Kathleen reaches up to hug him. "Take care of Liv and don't forget to take care of yourself," she says, squeezing his arm before following after her brother a few steps down the hallway.

Maureen stands alone before him.

"Love you," she says softly as he pulls her into a hug. His oldest daughter sends a glance toward her siblings as they move further down the hallway nearing the exit doors. His child has something to say and it is important that he listen to her. Maureen sways slightly on her feet before she begins speaking.

"Do you know that I remember when Olivia first became your partner?" Elliot feels a slight smile tug at the corner of his mouth and Maureen continues.  
"I remember when you used to come home on those late nights when I was in high school and I'd be up doing homework. You would never tell me how your day went, but you always wanted to know about mine. I know it came with the job and you weren't going to tell me about the things you saw everyday. I never wanted to know." She takes a breath. "You remember that time I was with you and we saw that guy-" Maureen falls silent and Elliot remembers that night all too well.

Maureen had been in the car with him when he had happened upon a crime scene. The charred body of the man had haunted his daughter's dreams for weeks on end. That night is another instance he wishes he could turn back the clock and erase the images burned into his child's mind.

"I knew the job was dangerous, but I never appreciated how much you and Olivia gave until I got older. I remember when you first started calling her by her nickname." Maureen smiles and tucks her blonde hair behind her ear. "For the longest time when you would mention her, you always used her full name. But one night - I was seventeen and I was up writing this paper for my high school law class."

Elliot marvels at his daughter's memory. He can't believe something he did on a particular night is etched in her mind.

"In class, we had been talking about these dangerous criminals and I got freaked out because I thought _this is what my Dad faces every single day_. Somebody brought up statistics about how many cops die in the line of duty and I got up to go to the bathroom because I didn't want to hear it."

Elliot's chest aches and he wants to pull her close. He tried so hard to keep his children's lives untouched and thought that by separating himself from them, he could spare them. During those first few years, he never thought about dying on the job. He knows it is because he was young and naive and Olivia had been beside him, stride for stride. He can't imagine the damage he has inflicted on his children simply because of his chosen profession.

"I didn't want to think about how that could be the reality. How you or Olivia could really die out there." Maureen shudders slightly and wraps her arms around herself. "So that night, I was in my room and I heard your phone. You answered on the first ring so I knew you weren't asleep and then I heard you out in the hallway..."

Elliot is listening with rapt attention. He has no idea where his daughter is going with this story, but he is praying to God that he hasn't done anything to hurt her.

"You came out into the hallway because you didn't want to wake Mom and I heard you answer the phone and say "Liv." That was the first time I'd ever heard you call her by that nickname, before that you always called her Olivia. I heard you say it thousands and thousands of times after that, but I could never get that first time out of my head." Maureen pauses at the memory and Elliot can tell that even all these years later what she is trying to convey to him is still fresh in her mind.

"Anyway, I'm was sitting at my desk writing this paper about the dangers of police work and I heard you calling her that. It became like a talisman for me, Dad. Like as long as I knew that Olivia was with you, you would be okay. You would come home."

Elliot doesn't understand and he is sure Maureen can tell. His daughter's blue eyes are clear as dawn when she looks up at him.

"Dad, did you ever think all that time that you were calling her name you were also giving her a directive? Live? To live. You were telling her to keep going, just like she kept you going for all that time."

He is going to lose it. He is going to cry. Maureen has obliterated his last fragile thread of control with her story.

His daughter knows it and she stands on tiptoe to swiftly kiss his cheek. Her image blurs as she makes her way down the hall, toward her brother and sister. He can't see his children any longer because his tears are spilling over. He moves back into Olivia's room and lowers himself into the chair by her bed. Through his tears he can see that she hasn't moved. He leans forward with his elbows resting on his knees and buries his face in his hands.

Never once in over five thousand days of his life has he ever thought about any meaning behind her name other than those gorgeous dark eyes and brunette hair. Other than _come here_ and _wait for me_ , other than _I love you_ and _you frustrate me to no end_. Her name has fallen from his lips thousands and thousands of times. He has always loved saying it, how it feels on his lips. He has used it to warn her, alert her, confront her, console her, amuse her, and hold onto her.

Not for one second over the last fourteen years has he ever thought that by shortening her given name he was actually telling her to continue on. Elliot could laugh because it is so fitting that without her he can't breathe. _He_ can't live.  
His daughter's observation about his partner has shaken him profoundly. He can't believe that Maureen has kept that inside herself for all of these years, that she has perhaps been as comforted by Olivia's presence as he is.

Elliot leans back in the chair, reclining slightly. He studies the ceiling as his vision starts to clear. Rolling his head to the left, he takes her in.  
Olivia.  
She is still sound asleep and Elliot could not be more thankful. He leans over and gently brushes a stray lock of hair away from her cheek. Even now, he thinks she is unquestionably beautiful. He kisses the top of her head, her hair tangling against his lips. God, he loves her. He wants to tell her and he will. Soon.

Elliot moves his chair closer to her bed, careful not to make any noise. Tonight he will sleep beside her, one hand resting against her blanket-covered knee. If he is going to close his eyes, he has to keep touching her. He has to know that she really is right there, regardless of what his nightmares might try to tell him.

"Liv." He whispers her name one last time before he closes his eyes. It is a prayer, a promise, and a possibility all at once. The last sound Elliot hears before finally letting himself rest is the soft chime of his cell phone from somewhere inside his duffel bag.


	12. Chapter 12

**Author's Note:** Thank you all so much for your feedback. I love reading your thoughts and your constructive criticism - it all serves to help to make me a better writer. Thank you! Enjoy!

* * *

He remembers calling her on Christmas Eve. They had been home from evening mass for a few hours and every attempt he made to help Eli to settle down was futile.  
"Santa's coming, Daddy! Santa's coming!" Eli cried, zooming through the house dressed in his Batman onesie. "What time is it, Daddy?"

Elliot stopped answering after the fifth time over a span of twenty minutes. Kathleen lay curled on the couch with a book, watching in amusement. Eli was dashing in circles, through the living room, then the kitchen, into the hallway, through the dining room and back into the living room.

"You're going to get dizzy, E," Kathleen cautioned her brother and his hysterical giggles spurred her own. Elliot laughed, tossing a quick glance at Kathleen as he quietly stole to the entrance of the hallway that Eli was about to come barreling grinned as his son rounded the corner at top speed and flew right into his arms.  
"Got you!" He cried, scooping his youngest up into his arms. "It's time for bed, buddy!"  
Against Elliot, Eli fought for breath through his giggles. "No, Daddy! I wanna stay up! I wanna see Santa with you!"

"Buddy, I'm going to bed. Santa is a busy guy. He doesn't wanna see me." Elliot felt Kathleen's eyes on his face and knew she realized his mistake before he did.  
"Maybe Santa wants to see _me!"_ Eli exclaimed before wiggling out of his arms and racing off into the kitchen. Elliot could hear his daughter's muffled laughter against the throw pillow on the couch.

At five till eleven, Kathleen met him in the kitchen. "Love you. I'm going to bed," she said, as her brother raced through the room again. Elliot dropped the towel he was holding onto the cutting board and attempted to keep a straight face. "What do I do with this kid, Leen?"

"Dad, you did have four of us before him," she replied with a maddeningly patient air.  
"I know, but-" It hit him then.  
"Hang on, I've got an idea," he said, reaching around his daughter to grab his cell phone from the counter. He pressed the number 4 on speed dial and it was ringing before he had time to slide the pantry door closed behind him. He heard her answer after the second ring and he kept his voice low, speaking over her before she could talk.

"Do something for me?"

He could hear her smile. "What's going on?" She asked.  
"I'm gonna hang up with you. Can you wait two minutes and call me back, pretending to be Santa?"  
Her laughter was full and bright and had she been standing before him amidst the Campbell's soup cans and Rice Krispy Treats, he would have kissed her.  
"Sure," she replied, her tone full of amusement. "You're having trouble with the little guy?"

His son chose that particular moment to knock on the door. "Daddy! What are you doing in there? Are you waiting for Santa?" Olivia laughed again and he sighed deeply. "I'll give you two minutes," she said, softly.

 _I love you._

He had wanted to tell her. It had felt like the most natural reply. He had wanted to utter those words to her for the longest time. He felt short of breath as he listened to her laugh once more and his chance passed him by when the dial tone met his ear. She never expected any reply and it hurt him every time.

He slipped back out into the kitchen to find Eli seated beside Kathleen on the stools beside the counter. "What were you doing in there, Daddy? Were you getting more snacks for Santa? I already made him my sandwich."

Elliot watched Kathleen struggle to look anywhere other than in his eyes. Her expression told him that she knew exactly what he had done.  
Fifty-seven seconds later, Elliot's cell phone lit up on the counter. Eli looked at the phone curiously and tried to pull himself up onto the counter top to see the screen. Kathleen grabbed the back of her brother fuzzy onesie before he could slip off the high stool.

"Hello?" Elliot answered, deliberately keeping the call off of speaker.

By some miracle Olivia kept her laughter out of her voice, otherwise he wouldn't have been able to keep a straight face. She was using her professional tone, the one he knew well, but would be foreign to his son. "Yes, hello. I'm calling from the North Pole."

Elliot tossed a look at Kathleen, who played right along. "E, who do you think it is?"  
Eli looked around. "I don't know! Who is it?"  
Kathleen nodded toward Elliot, "I think Dad is on the phone with Santa." Elliot shook his head, "It's the North Pole," he corrected.  
"The North Pole? What are they saying, Daddy?" Eli asked, excitedly.

"I'm putting you on speaker," Elliot warned Olivia and he could almost hear her inhale as she tried to hold herself together.  
"Hi there. I have a message from Santa. He wanted me to tell you that he is well on his way to your house and we need to make sure that Mr. Eli Stabler is fast asleep by the time he gets there."  
"Uh oh!" Eli cried, his blue eyes growing impossibly wider as he climbed down from the stool. "Daddy, tell the lady elf I'm going to sleep!" He exclaimed, tearing up the stairs. "I'm going! I'm going! Tell them I'm gonna be sleeping, Daddy!"

 _"Elliot,"_ Olivia managed his name through her sparkling laughter when he cradled the phone back to his ear.

Now, he is driving.  
The sky is inky and void of stars. He squints through the blackness, but seeing is impossible. He keeps going, pressing his foot down on to the accelerator. He has miles to go and he has to hurry. He left Eli alone and he has to get back. He reaches for his phone and calls Olivia. Her phone rings and rings. He hangs up and rounds a bend in the road.

He is going too fast and too slow all at once.

He calls her again. Her phone continues to ring. She hasn't answered, but somehow he can hear her voice. _"El."_  
His headlights aren't cutting through the darkness anymore. He can't see more than a few feet ahead of the truck. He has to pull over because he can't drive like this. He tries her phone again and this time his call goes straight to her voicemail. "You've reached Detective Olivia Benson, Manhattan SVU..."  
He hangs up and climbs out of the truck.

The darkness swallows him so completely that he can't see his hand in front of his face. He turns back toward the truck and loses his footing, slipping on the icy ground. His phone falls from his slack grip and slides across the surface of the road.

Elliot blinks to try and clear his vision, hoping his eyes will adjust, but the blackness envelops him.

On his hands and knees, he crawls across the slick concrete. The knees of his jeans will be torn by the time he reaches the truck. Deprived of his sense of sight, a ringing sound meets his ears. His phone. It illuminates the snow some three feet from his left hand.  
He reaches for it and squints at the screen.  
There is no caller id, no number. His phone rings again. He swipes his finger across the screen and answers. "Hello?" There is no sound. The caller is silent, then sobbing..."Daddy? Dad?"  
He knows this voice. _Kathleen._

"Leen, what's wrong, baby?" He can feel himself starting to shake, his knees are aching against the hard surface of the roadway. _"Elliot."_ Above the sound of his daughter's tears, he can hear her voice - Olivia's.

 _"El."_

He has to get Kathleen to calm down. He has to know what has happened. "Leen, Just tell me what's wrong, hon." She continues to sob into his ear and he is powerless to move. He tries to stand but he can't. His legs won't carry his weight any longer. _"Elliot."_

"Dad, it's Liv."  
 _Liv's here with me_ , he thinks. _I can hear her._  
"Dad, she's gone."

 _"Elliot."_

She's not. She's not gone. She right- his phone dies in the palm of his hand. He can't breathe. He is suffocating under the cover of the disorienting darkness. The ground beneath his palm moves and his right hand loses its stable position as he falls forward- _"El, please."_

"Liv," he gasps her name as he opens his eyes.

Olivia's fingertips are pressing into his forearm and her dark gaze is full of concern. "Are you okay?"  
She is asking him about his well-being while she lays before him in a hospital bed. She has always known how to turn the tables.

He needs a moment. He has to collect himself before he speaks again. He had been dreaming - a nightmare. Elliot fervently hopes that he hasn't taken up talking in his sleep over the last few minutes. He has to look at her, but he needs a firmer grasp on control before he does. He can't let on how shaken he is, simply by the sound of her voice and touch of her hand. He can't crowd her, smother her, or frighten her. He can't kiss her, yet.

"I think you stole my line," he rasps, standing up and leaning over her as he kisses the top of her head. He prays that she will not feel him trembling. He braces his left hand on the wall above her. He feels her right palm against his chest and he looks down at her.  
"Tell me what happened?" She begs, furrowing her brow. He gazes at her for one second more. He can't wrap his head around the reality that she is here.

She is talking to him. She is beautiful.

He holds his position above her. "You were in an accident," he says, keeping his voice as even as possible. "Roads were terrible. They said you swerved to avoid an oncoming vehicle. Black ice, Liv. There was no preventing it." Elliot wants to shake his head at the dissonance of his own words. He is well aware that they contradict every other statement he has made tonight.

Olivia's eyes well. "Did I hurt anybody?" She knocks the wind out of him. It is unfathomable that she can't feel the ache inside his chest in the palm of her hand. _Me._ He wants to say. _You kill **me** because you never, ever think about yourself._ Her heart stopped. She nearly died tonight and all she wants to know is if anyone else was harmed.

 _Tell her,_ Kathleen's voice echos in his mind. _No._

 _"_ No," he replies, "Everybody's okay." _Except you and me_. She looks up at him, "How did you find out?"  
He swallows hard, she is going to kill him. He doesn't know why he does what he does, but his desire to protect her has always been paramount. He studies the wave of her hair. "Was driving the kids home when I got the call."

"The kids?" She breathes and he can tell by her expression that his words have jogged her memory. "You were bringing Eli back." He nods, biting his lower lip. "Are they all right?" She asks, her eyes search his face. "They're all home safe," he tells her, nodding again.

Elliot can tell she has more questions for him which he will answer as truthfully as he can.

Olivia mimics him, worrying her bottom lip. "Am I okay?" She whispers, breathlessly. He closes his eyes, shuttering her from the wave of emotions he can't hide. He takes her right hand in his own, intertwining their fingers against his chest. "You're okay," he assures her.

Olivia takes a breath and the sound reminds him to exhale. "They're gonna run some tests on you in the morning and probably keep you another day for observation," he tells her, ghosting his fingertips across her forehead. He knows she is waiting for the rundown.  
He swallows, "You have a deep abrasion to your back with a couple dozen stitches. Bruising to your ribs, your jaw," he manages through gritted teeth, "and your wrist." Olivia nods, taking in the bandage wrap.

"Your head hurt?" He asks, watching her for any telltale signs of distress. Olivia tilts her head to one side, then the other. He catches her flinch. "A little," she says.  
"You want me to go get you a nurse?"

"No," Olivia shakes her head slightly, "I want you to go back to sleep." He glances at the digital clock on the wall. 4:02am.  
"I will if you will," he replies, squeezing her hand once before letting go. He knows full well that he won't be able to fall back to sleep. He settles into the chair beside her as Olivia turns onto her side to watch him.

"You can't sleep with your eyes open," he reminds her gently. She tries to roll her eyes at him, but it must hurt because he hears the soft sound of discomfort that she makes. He reaches forward and touches her arm. "Tell me what you need," he requests, keeping his voice low as he scrutinizes her face.  
"Will you stay with me?" She asks drowsily, sinking down onto the pillow.  
Her question stabs at him. Does she really think he could leave her? "I'm not going anywhere, Liv."

He watches her for long minutes afterward and he can feel his heart rate slowing. She is all right. She is beside him here. Elliot lets himself rest again, just for a moment.

* * *

He waits for the elevator, watching the numbers above him illuminate in green.  
Olivia's tests are going to take a few hours and she demanded that he take care of himself in the meantime. He is thinking that he will drive over to Kathy's for a shower and maybe grab a few hours of sleep on her couch. He rolls his neck to one side, trying to work out the ache that is steadily spreading through his muscles. The elevator doors open and he steps inside.

 _I'd give you a kidney.  
_ He feels the corner of his mouth lift and he shakes his head at the clarity of the memory, even after all this time.  
 _Not if I gave you mine first._

The doors close in front of him as the elevator starts to move. The motion makes him feel lightheaded and he leans back against the wall. He realizes that it has been more than seventeen hours since he has had anything to eat or drink.

He focuses on the tile beneath his feet, breathing through the vertigo. The elevator reaches the ground floor and the doors slide open. "Dad!" He looks up into the faces of his daughters.  
"Hey," he greets them as he steps out into the hallway. He moves slowly, praying for stability.

He knows he is getting old because sleep-deprivation used to be a way of life, but it has been a long time since he has gone on minimal sleep and he can feel the effects on his body. Elliot knows that his girls are almost as perceptive as Olivia when it comes to his well-being.

"How are you?" Kathleen asks, surveying him closely. He gives her a slight smile and pulls her into a hug. "I'm fine."  
"How's Liv?" Maureen questions, leaning into him after her sister pulls away. "She's gonna be okay. They're running some tests now, so we'll know more in a couple of hours," he tells them. He catches the brief look that passes between his daughters, "What's going on?" He asks them.

It is Maureen who speaks up.

"Do you have Liv's keys? We want to run to her apartment to bring back an overnight bag for her." Elliot knows that he shouldn't be, but he is momentarily taken aback. His children's thoughtfulness never ceases to amaze him.

"Yeah, I have them right here," he says, stopping to unzip the duffel bag he carries. He places the key ring into Maureen's hand. He can feel her concerned gaze on him. "Did you sleep at all?" She asks, gently.  
"Got a few hours," he replies, avoiding her eyes.  
"Dad, go to Mom's," Kathleen urges, "We'll stay with Liv after we bring back her things."

He nods and the impulse to cry rears its head. Once again, his daughter is taking control for him. The three of them come to an unspoken understanding as Elliot follows them toward the parking lot. He lags behind a few steps and watches his girls together. He knows it is a God-send that his children get along.  
The age gap between all of them has closed as they have grown older. The five years between his oldest daughters' ages used to seem like an eternity, but now someone might mistake them for twins. He thinks there isn't a person alive who wouldn't be able to tell that they are sisters.

He finds comfort in their synchronization.

He marvels at all the ways they are similar and adores them for their differences. Maureen's hair skims her neck and Kathleen's falls to just below her shoulders. Kathleen's hair is just a shade darker than her older sister's and she is an inch taller, but the difference is so slight that no one would ever know.  
All of his children walk fast, a trait he knows they inherited from him. His daughters' steps fall at the same pace, left, right, left, right. It isn't until they reach the sliding double doors that he realizes his footsteps have been perfectly in sync with theirs all along.

The morning is bitter and bright. The wind has picked up and its chill ripples his long-sleeved shirt against his body.  
"Dad, where's your coat?" Maureen asks concernedly, before the realization dawns on her face.  
She remembers.  
His blood-stained jacket is tucked into the duffel bag he carries. Her blue eyes take on an anxious sheen that tells him that she recalls too much of last night. "I'm all right, Maur," he assures her.  
He doesn't miss the silent interaction his daughters share in their glance at each other.  
He knows they are worried about him. He can feel their tension and he wants to do everything he can to dispel it. As their father, he is supposed to be the one wringing his hands over his children, not the other way around. He hates all that has passed over the last twenty-four hours because it has tampered with their fragile peace.

He sees Maureen's green Camry parked to the left of his truck. His oldest daughter unlocks her car and slides in the driver's seat, starting the engine to warm the car. Elliot tosses his bag into his back seat and copies Maureen as he starts the truck. When he reopens his door, Kathleen is standing against the passenger side of her sister's car, close to him. He can see her uneasiness in the way that she shifts on her feet, but when he says her name she looks at him. "Leen."  
She wraps her arms around herself for warmth before he envelops her in a hug. His daughter's exhaustion is palpable and he wonders if she slept.  
"I have to tell you something," she says softly. His immediate impulse is to react with fear. His nerves are shot to hell and the stress of last night still lingers on his skin.

He keeps himself steady as he holds onto her.  
He knows his daughter is fearful of his reaction because he can feel it in the stiff way she is holding herself. He can't let on that Kathleen's words have shaken him at all. She is expecting him to react the way he would have during their previous life.

He has to prove her wrong.

Fear can't be fought with more anxiety. They are monsters that he won't allow to prey on their lives anymore. He nods once against her hair before letting her go.  
"Shoot hon," he replies, keeping his voice level as he stands across from her. Kathleen's light eyes open wide at his easy response and he gives her a slight smile.  
His daughter's brow is still furrowed when she starts to speak. "I called Meg and Cody this morning to tell them you wouldn't be home today."

The urge to cry looms again because his daughter is taking care of things that are slipping through the cracks.  
Elliot focuses on a small scratch on Maureen's car door. How has he let his child drive around in a car with a scraped door? He will have to get some paint and fix that.  
How could he have forgotten about Heidi? Five hours South, without Kathleen his sweet dog would have waited for him all day long.  
When he doesn't reply, Kathleen continues to speak. "I told them what happened and they're going to keep Heidi at their house..."  
He exhales harshly.  
"For however long you need," she concludes, quietly.  
His gaze moves to hers. Aqua blue meets Mediterranean.

His ability to speak has left him again, so he pulls his daughter close once more.  
When he feels the comforting press of Maureen's hand to his back, he realizes she has joined them. It is Kathleen who pulls away this time and nods. She understands all that he isn't able to say. He is precariously close to crying and he wants to get his daughters warmed up and into their car.  
He clears his throat. "You gonna be okay driving into the city?" He asks, his voice sounds rougher than he intends.

His girls nod simultaneously and Maureen reaches in to hug him, "We'll keep you posted."  
They both know how much he appreciates those words.  
"Love you," they chorus and he lets them go. His oldest daughter is behind the wheel and he prays that means her sister will nap on the hour's drive in.

He lets himself breathe for a moment as he watches the Camry turn out of the parking lot. He moves back toward the truck and his hand is on the door handle when he hears his name.

The voice is as familiar to him as his face in the mirror.

"Capt," he acknowledges when he sees Cragen rounding the side of the truck. "You all right?" Don asks and Elliot nods, taking a breath.  
"Liv is gonna be okay," he says. He doesn't know where the strength to speak is coming from, but he feels like he needs to reassure Cragen. His former captain looks more helpless now than he had at any point last night and Elliot wonders what has shaken him so.

Cragen puts his hands into the pockets of his coat. "I owe you an apology," he says.  
"Capt," Elliot starts, but the older man holds up his hand.  
"Let me finish. I shouldn't have pushed you last night. I wasn't there are the scene. I don't know what it was like, but I have a pretty vivid imagination," Cragen stops speaking and Elliot sees the guilt he feels reflected back at him from his former captain's eyes.

Elliot shakes his head, "Don't worry about it, Capt." Cragen looks at him, "I think you know that she is as close to a daughter as I'll ever have."

Elliot feels his eyes well up again and he struggles to look anywhere other than at Don. Though he has long thought of Cragen as a father-figure, they have never spoken candidly about this.  
"You know much I care and I would like to think that I know a fraction of what you feel for her, but in truth I can't imagine, Elliot. I wouldn't have wanted to be in your place last night. I don't know that I would have been able to do what you did. I had no right to put my two cents into your reality."

Elliot feels the air shift as Cragen turns away, providing them both with a moment of privacy. Elliot wipes his wet eyes on his shirt sleeve.  
Don is absolving him for his actions last night. He is accepting Elliot's choices as the best ones that he could have made, given the circumstances. Don's trust in his judgement as a man, a father, and a protector is something Elliot has never known.

Cragen's understanding of his love for Olivia is something else entirely.

Don is telling him, in so many words, that he knows that nothing ever happened during their time on the job. He knows how hard Elliot has tried to keep her safe for all these years. He knows about the worst cases, the awful nights, the endless exhaustion, the stale coffee, and how a person can break in every possible way. He also knows about renewal, hope, compassion, and the luminescence that Olivia embodied in that squad room. Elliot thinks Don believes there is life after SVU, too. He wants that for his former captain. He wants that for all of them.

"You heading out?" Cragen asks, speaking in his usual cadence. Elliot nods again, "Gonna drive over to Kathy's for a bit. Shower and get something to eat. Might grab an hour on the couch."  
Don flashes him a quick grin before starting to walk toward the hospital entrance. "You look like you could use it."  
Elliot feels the corners of his mouth lift. "What are you saying, Capt?" He calls after Cragen's retreating form.

"I'm saying you look like hell, Elliot. If I were still your commanding officer I would have shipped your ass home hours ago."  
Elliot laughs and the teasing feels right. It is as if ten minutes have passed since they last stood together in the squad room. He finds comfort in the thought that even in the midst of all that has happened, some things remain unchanging.

He steps up into the truck and closes the door behind him. The interior is warm and he shivers as the sudden change in temperature hits him. He gives himself a minute to collect himself and to breathe. He leans back against the seat. He is tired, so terribly tired. He thinks he could just fall asleep here if he hadn't promised his daughters that he would make his way to Kathy's. Elliot reaches into the back seat and rummages in the duffel bag for his phone. He touches his ex-wife's name in his contact list and listens for the ringing.

"Hi," Kathy answers, "Is everything okay?"  
He is nodding before he realizes that she can't see him. "Yeah Kath," he says, "Everything's fine. Is it still all right if I come over? Apparently, I could use a shower."  
Kathy laughs lightly, "According to our daughters that's not all you need. They think you need a nap."  
He feels himself smile again and shakes his head, "Those two need to learn how to keep secrets with their father. How old are they again?"  
"Too old," Kathy replies, but he can hear amusement in her voice. "Come on over. Dickie is here with E and I. We have hot water and plenty of food."

Elliot feels the last remaining ache connected to his former life fade away.

He hears a mild commotion on the other end of the line, "Eli, please get down from there!"  
If he knows their son at all, the kid is probably scaling the counter top in search of cookies. "I'm on my way, Kath. Thanks," he says above the background noise. "Sounds good, El. See you soon," Kathy replies, distractedly. Elliot hangs up so she can focus on Eli.

He types Kathy's new home address into his phone. This time he won't act like he knows better than the GPS. He won't try to circumnavigate on back roads. He doesn't regret his actions last night for anything because they lead him to Olivia, but this morning he doesn't have the same desire for control. He will yield to the GPS and let it lead him where he needs to go.


	13. Chapter 13

Author's Note: Thank you all so much for your continued support. I'm sorry this chapter took a little while longer than expected. School has kept me hopping. I understand many of you are getting antsy for The Conversation and it is coming - I promise! There are a few things that have to occur first in order to make that possible. If you'd like, I hope you'll indulge me just a bit longer...xoxo

* * *

"Zooommm...zzzooommmm..." Elliot keeps his eyes closed and listens to the hushed voice of his five year old. "Beep! Beep! Watch out, guys!" He can feel tiny wheels driving up and down his sweatpant clad leg. "Zoommmmmm...Hurry up! Go in the tunnel!" He can't help but grin when he feels Eli's little hands driving his hot wheels car underneath his knee.

Elliot peeks up at his son, "Hi buddy."

Eli's returning smile is huge. "Hi Daddy! Batman was just driving through the tunnel to meet the Ninja Turtles."  
"Sounds good to me, pal," Elliot replies, sitting up and shifting his legs to create a tunnel once more. Elliot watches Eli closely for any sign that the events of last night are anything more than a distant memory for his son.

As ever, Eli is wild curls and constant movement. He has syrup on his chin from the stack of pancakes they shared as soon as Elliot came through the front door.  
He squints at the clock on Lizzie's desk. "Can you tell me what time it is, bud?"  
Eli moves over to stare at the numbers on the digital clock. "There's a one and another one then there's two little circles and then a zero and then eight.

"Eight after eleven." Olivia should be nearly finished with her tests by now.

"Daddy, can I show you my new G.I. Joe? He rides in my Bat Mobile." Elliot nods, but before he can answer he hears Kathy's voice from downstairs. "Eli!"  
"Huh?"  
Elliot bites his tongue. That response isn't going to fly with either one of them. "E, don't say _huh_ when Mom calls," Elliot admonishes, gently. "Say "Yes Mom," and then go see what she needs."

"Okay," Eli answers easily, his curls bouncing on his head. He bounds to the top of the stairs and calls down into the living room below. "Yes Mom?"  
Elliot silently counts to five and he can almost see the expression on Kathy's face as she stands at the bottom of the stairs. He knows her hands are planted on her hips and she is wearing a look that would have made all four of their older children wither.

"That's better," Kathy says, lightly. "Do you want to come help me put the chocolate chips into the batter?"

Elliot watches Eli nod emphatically from where he sits on Lizzie's bed.  
"I'll be right there," Eli says, holding up one small finger before hurrying back into the bedroom. His light eyes are full of excitement. "Daddy, I'm gonna go help Mommy. We're making cookies," he explains. "Do you want some, Daddy? They're not cooked yet. We gotta put them in the oven first. I'm gonna go put the chocolate chips in."

This brand of resilience is seen only in the young.

Eli is completely unperturbed by anything other than baking his Christmas cookies and Elliot couldn't be more grateful. "Sounds good, buddy. I'm gonna take a shower and then I'll be down to see your cookies."  
Eli nods again and before he dashes from the room, he reaches up for a hug. Elliot pulls him close and feels his son press a quick kiss to his scratchy cheek. "I have to shave, buddy."  
Eli shrugs, "Can I shave, too?" Elliot can't help it - the kid makes him laugh. "Not yet. Go help your mom."

He listens for the tell-tale sounds to make sure that Eli has made it downstairs before he leans forward, pressing the heels of his hands against his eyes. He has to get his bearings.  
He swallows hard and slowly brings his feet to rest on the floor. He reaches down for the zipper of his duffel bag and feels for his cell phone. He pulls it out and swipes his thumb across the screen. He has two text messages from Maureen, one telling him they had made it to Olivia's apartment for her things and the other letting him know that they had arrived back at the hospital. He texts her in reply, thanking her for keeping him in the loop and telling her that he will be there shortly.

Elliot stands up slowly, stretching out his back. He reaches down for his duffel bag and carries it with him into the bathroom. Before he tucks his phone back inside, he glances at the screen once more. The (1) icon above his messages button tells him that he has one unread text. He thinks it must be a mistake because he only received two messages from Maureen.

Nevertheless, he presses the icon and surveys his messages. His conversation with Maureen is first and underneath that sits an unopened text from Kathleen. Elliot checks the timestamp: 11:22pm.  
Last night.  
He wracks his brain to remember and recalls that his children were here at Kathy's by the time his daughter had pressed send. He touches the screen and the message appears.

There aren't any words, just a photo.

The image holds Olivia and himself standing in a kitchen. Maureen's kitchen, Elliot realizes and he knows this must be from Thanksgiving. Kathleen had snapped photos all day and she must have captured this candid moment between the two of them. He remembers this.

In the picture, Olivia is laughing. He can't recall what he said to make her crack up, but she is gazing at him. Her left hand is pressed against his chest and her right hand covers her mouth as if she is trying to stifle her giggles. He is looking down at her and grinning. He is also holding onto her, her left arm is in his hand, just above her elbow. If he had bent down a few inches, he could have kissed her forehead. Touching each other has always been more than a method of keeping connected, it has served as another way they silently communicate with each other.

He studies the photo. He has seen pictures of them before, but he has never had the chance to really examine the way they appear together. In the image, they stand opposite each other and his body frames hers. He feels his own lips quirk upward at the sight of her smile and he can almost hear her laugh.

For all the joy exuding from her, it is Olivia's eyes that strike him the most. The sentiment her dark eyes hold knocks the wind out of him. There is a belief in her eyes. A trust and a reliance.  
She is looking up at him with faith. Her expression holds a confidence and a conviction that she believes in him. She is comfortable enough in his presence, comfortable enough to touch him and to let him touch her. She trusts him enough to let herself laugh, to let herself go.

Elliot drops his phone on top of his bag and shifts his focus into the mirror to meet his own gaze. He doesn't see the same assurance reflected back at himself that he saw twenty-four hours ago. He doesn't have Olivia's certainty. He doesn't feel confident. He isn't positive that he trusts himself in this moment.

Last night has rattled him to his core.

He steps back from the sink and pulls his shirt up over his head. He doesn't look at his reflection as he tosses his shirt to the floor and pulls the shower curtain aside to turn on the water. He discards the rest of his clothes and steps into the shower. He stands beneath the lukewarm spray and closes his eyes. He feels himself shiver involuntarily as the water temperature increases and starts to warm his chilled skin.

Elliot braces his hands against the tile as he turns in toward the water. The warm spray sluices over him and he closes his eyes.  
Olivia.  
He sees her. The first image he conjures isn't of her frightened gaze across the body-strewn squad room floor, it isn't the exhausted darkness of her eyes on their longest cases, it isn't her lifeless form from last night inside the sedan.

It is the expression she held in the photo from Thanksgiving.

When he gives himself a moment to think, he realizes that look has always been there. Fourteen years. Olivia has been looking at him like that for fourteen years. She has trusted him, believed in him, fought for him for fourteen years.  
Even when they struggled with each other, even when they clashed- he could always look over at her and see it in her eyes. Faith.  
He knows what he sees when he looks at her, but what remains a mystery is what Olivia sees reflected back.

His eyes snap open. There are traces swirling in the current around his feet. Olivia's blood.

 _Liar._ The word hisses at him and he hears Kathleen's voice in his head, _Liv can read you like a book. She's going to find out._

His daughter is right. He is lying and he can't do it anymore. Olivia _is_ going to find out and he is going to be the one to tell her. He has to be the man she believes him to be, the man he wants to be, the man he has worked so hard to become. He can't allow himself to revert back to the life he lived for so long. He has to tell her the truth and he has to start now.

* * *

Elliot carries his duffel bag with him as he makes his way downstairs. He sits on the bottom step and grabs his sneakers from their place by the front door. He hears Kathy speaking on the phone and he can see Eli perched on the counter top. He watches as their son reaches his little hand into the mixing bowl and sneaks a handful of chocolate chips. He thinks Kathy's back must be turned because he knows Eli has had more than his fair share of sweets already today.

He makes his way into the kitchen, scooping a giggling kid up in his arms and setting him into his seat at the table. "Dad's right here." He turns at Kathy's words and takes the phone that she presses into his palm. "Liz," she whispers by way of an explanation.

He takes a deep breath and walks toward the living room as he puts the phone to his ear. "Lizzie?" He rasps her name into the receiver.  
"Daddy." Elizabeth starts to cry and the sound makes him want to break. Lizzie is his youngest, his baby girl. She is also the most emotional of all his children with the softest heart. Good or bad, she cries about everything. He used to worry that her gentleness would be perceived as a weakness, but now he knows that her tenderness is a gift.

"Dad, are you okay? Is Olivia all right? Are you with her? Can I talk to her?" She is talking too fast and Elliot has to help her to calm down. He can feel Kathy's worried gaze on his back and he moves out into the entryway.

"Liz," he keeps his voice low. It is the only thing he can control in this moment. "Lizzie." He leans up against the banister and lets her cry. He focuses on his own breathing, praying that his daughter will take in air by his example. "Baby," he begins when Lizzie's tears have tapered off. "Everything's okay."

"Mom said there was an accident. Liv is hurt?" Elliot closes his eyes. He hasn't given the truth to Olivia and so he can't provide it to his daughter just yet.  
He nods, "Yeah. Liv was in an accident." He chooses his words carefully. He wants to give her a picture of what happened without giving away details he won't ever share with anyone other than Olivia. "She's all right. Thank God," he adds quickly when he hears her soft gasp.

"I'm coming home," Lizzie says quickly and he can hear the rustling of her jacket. "Liz," he says her name again, "Honey, everything's okay. I don't want you to-" He hears the familiar voices of her best friends and if he knows the three of them at all, Chelsea and Taylor are already packing their bags.

"I'll be there by like..." Lizzie trails off and Elliot hears Chelsea's voice answering, "Three, Liz. We'll be home by three."

"Elizabeth," he says, using her full name to get her attention. "Sweetheart, listen. I don't want you driving in this snow."  
"Daddy-"  
"Listen to me for a minute. I'll make you a deal, all right?" Elliot takes a breath and hears Lizzie do the same. "You still have a couple of weeks off. Soon as you get back, you can come stay with me for as long as you want. Just please don't drive home in all this." He knows that Elizabeth won't rest easily until she is beside him, until she sees for herself of what he is assuring her.

He drove through that blizzard yesterday in Pennsylvania and he can only imagine how bad the roads are. He is trying to keep his voice level, to reason with her. He wants to demand that she stay put, but Lizzie is nineteen years old. She is more than capable of making her own decisions, so he will have to bargain with his child.

His daughter is quiet and he prays that means she is thinking about his request.

When she speaks again, her voice is small. "Will Liv be there?"  
He bows his head and combats the urge to cry. Lizzie's words have hit him and he doesn't have an answer for her. He doesn't know what Olivia wants to do and he won't dare assume.  
"I don't know, honey," Elliot replies. His answer simultaneously gives his daughter absolutely nothing and all the information he has. He is operating one minute at a time.  
"Take Liv with you, Dad. Take her home."  
He can't stop the tears that come. He swallows hard and fights to speak. He wants to. God knows he wants to take her home with him.

Somehow his daughter knows that he can't talk anymore and he hears her take a deep breath. "If I call my sisters, are they going to tell me the same thing?" She presses on. "Are you and Liv really okay?"

Elliot can't imagine the amount of grace it is taking for his daughter, who has compassion coursing through her veins, to abide by his request. He doesn't know what he has done to deserve these children.

He is nodding before he remembers that she can't see him. "I promise. I would tell you the truth." The impact of his simple words strike him. He hasn't been honest. He hasn't been telling the truth and Olivia needs to know. They all need to know. If he wants to heal, if he wants to get himself back, he needs to tell them all.  
His coming clean begins now.

He looks over his shoulder. Kathy is busy with Eli in the kitchen and so he starts up the stairs. "Lizzie," he says and he can almost hear his daughter clutch her phone tighter in her hand. There isn't an order to honesty. After Olivia, there isn't a hierarchy as to who needs to know first. "I'm here, Dad."

"Just know Leen and I were driving Eli back to Mom's. We came upon an accident. A woman had taken a turn too sharply and slid on some black ice. She almost skidded into another car. That car swerved to avoid the collision and slid off the road. I went to see if I could help." He keeps his words brief and to the point. He thinks that all the years of testifying for cases have given him the ability to speak factually about horrifying events. He is surprised by how well he is holding himself together. He knows this is only the first time he will tell this story today.

"I got to the car, made my way inside and-" He hears Lizzie's soft gasp and he knows she has figured out the next few pages of his story. "Liv was-?" He struggles not to shudder as he affirms her guess. "Yeah. Leen had an ambulance on the way and we got her out and got her to the hospital." He skips over the hard memories and he knows Lizzie is aware, but this is his job as a parent. He has to do his best to protect his children. He knows Kathleen, with her closeness to Olivia, will be the hardest to convince that she doesn't need this information. No one except Olivia ever needs to know what happened in those missing moments.

"I stayed with Liv last night and they ran some tests on her this morning. I drove up to your Mom's to take a shower and grab something to eat. I'm gonna be leaving for the hospital pretty soon. Haven't heard anything so I'm taking that as a good sign."

Lizzie exhales sharply into his ear. "I'm glad Liv wasn't alone." He starts to agree, but she speaks again. "Are you okay though? Are you really, Dad?" She knows he is glossing over the abject terror that held him captive last night for hours. His children have vivid enough imaginations that they don't need his details. He wants to give her an accurate answer and so he does. "As long as you guys and Liv are all right, I'm fine."

His daughter takes his reply for what it is worth and he is grateful that she does not press him for more. "You'll really let me come and stay with you and Liv?" She is breaking his heart because she feels the need to ask. "Lizzie." He lets out a breath and prays that in the sound of her name she hears all he isn't able to say.

By the small sound she makes and he knows Lizzie has begin to cry again. When she speaks, he can hear her swallowing her tears. "I love you, Dad. Tell Liv for me. Tell her I love her."

"Is she okay?" Elliot turns around to look into his son's face. Dickie stands at the door of Elizabeth's room and from his expression alone, he can tell his son has heard every word of their conversation. Dickie's connection to his twin sister has never faltered. Elliot nods reassuringly.

His tears fall again and his voice is thick when he speaks. "I will, baby. You girls be safe." He can't believe she is listening to him.  
"You'll call me if anything changes?" She challenges, one more time. "Yes. I love you, Lizzie." Elliot answers, his voice low with emotion. "We'll talk later, okay hon?"

"Mm-hmm," she answers and Elliot hangs to the reassuring cadence of her best friends' voices, comforting his daughter on the other end of the call.

* * *

The hospital looks different during the daytime hours, even though the place never really sleeps. It seems to be suspended in some sort of alternate reality and it makes last night seem like nothing more than a bad dream. The elevator is too slow, so he and Dickie take the stairs two at a time. Elliot pulls his phone from his sweatshirt pocket. Maureen had texted to give him Olivia's new room number just as he was leaving Kathy's. They have moved her up to a regular floor and he is taking that a sign her tests went well.

Dickie's desire to come with him has been a wonder. Dickie met him in the driveway just as he was unlocking the truck and climbing inside. As men, he and Dickie don't speak as freely as he does with his daughters. Elliot is still trying to find a balance that makes the both feel comfortable. For right now, his son's presence beside him speaks volumes and it is more than enough.

He finds Maureen's message: Room 511. He moves through the hallway, counting room numbers when he hears his daughters' voices issuing from a room just ahead and to his right. He pauses for a moment outside and steadies himself before he rounds the corner. He is unsure of what he will find, but prays for the strength to face it head on. Dickie nods him forward in encouragement. Elliot knocks lightly on the door frame before stepping inside.

"Hi Dad."

They are having a picnic. By the look of the room, his daughters stopped at Kathleen's favorite restaurant in Manhattan and brought back half the take-out menu. He laughs softly to himself as he takes them in. The girls sit in chairs on opposite sides of Olivia's bed. Maureen is balancing her salad on her lap while her sister holds a veggie burger. Olivia is propped up by a few pillows, nursing a cup of soup.

"Hi," he says three different times as he moves about the room, pressing kisses to the top of each of their heads. Olivia's eyes are wide for an instant as he pulls back to survey her face and he is sure she hasn't missed the grin he knows his daughters just shared behind his back.

"Dad, we got you that turkey wrap you like," Kathleen says nonchalantly, moving containers around in the bag by her feet, as if nothing out of the ordinary has taken place.

"How do you feel?" Elliot asks Olivia, gently brushing her hair behind her ear. He can see the angry bruise that has formed around her jawline. "How's your head?"  
He catches the smile that ghosts over her lips before she looks up at him. "Fine," she replies, furrowing her brow. "Tell me who you are again?"

He hears Dickie's surprised laugh as Maureen chokes on her sip of water and Kathleen stifles her giggles into a napkin.  
"Funny," he says dryly, watching her shy smile. If she feels well enough to tease him, he will let her do it all day long. Before he turns to move away, he feels the soft press of her palm against his arm and he knows she is right there with him.


	14. Chapter 14

Author's Note: Thank you so much for your continued support and feedback. This chapter is very important to me because it contains A Conversation (not _The_ Conversation), but I think it is equally important and The Conversation isn't possible without this one happening first. I openly sobbed all over my keyboard while writing this. Thank you again xoxo

* * *

Root beer.  
The hospital cafeteria has every carbonated beverage known to man except the one that Olivia wants. Root beer.  
The nurses have been worried about Olivia becoming dehydrated, so she has alternated between drinking water and apple juice all day. Over the last hour, he has watched her grow progressively paler until she confessed she was feeling nauseous and asked him to try to find her some soda.

Elliot has settled on some ginger ale. He knows it has been years since Olivia has had soda and he doesn't think she is going to pick this moment to become particular.  
The bottle is cold to his touch and he passes it between his hands as he walks back toward her room. He takes the seconds as they come, reminding himself to breathe. He has to talk to her, but he also has to be patient. It is agonizing.  
He knows presently that he is walking a precarious line. He has to tell her.  
He wants to tell her, more than anything.  
He reasons with himself that he has to wait until he is sure that she is all right. He doesn't want to overwhelm her or bombard her with information. It would be a lot for anyone to handle on a good day and he isn't dropping this on her now. Not while she lays before him in a hospital bed. He can't. He won't.

As he approaches Olivia's room, he can hear voices inside. Dr. Monroe.  
Elliot stands just outside the door and waits, giving them privacy. The doctor steps out into the hallway and gives Elliot a small smile when he sees him standing against the wall.  
"Elliot, do you have a minute?" Monroe asks and when Elliot nods, he leads them a few steps back down the hall. In the instant before they turn to face each other, Elliot feels his already sore shoulders tense.

He is bracing himself for news, good or bad.

"What's going on, Doc?" Elliot asks and Monroe studies him for a moment. "I was just in with Olivia. I told her that everything looks normal. Her MRI results from this morning don't show any signs of head trauma. I told her we will keep her tonight for observation and I'll have discharged in the morning."  
 _Thank God,_ Elliot thinks as he nods his understanding and Dr. Monroe continues. "From what I understand, Ms. Benson lives on her owe and I can't advise that she stay by herself so soon after the accident.  
"No, Doc. I'm staying with her," Elliot explains. "She won't be alone."

"I was hoping you'd say that," Monroe replies smoothly.

He writes a quick note on Olivia's chart before glancing down the hallway. Neither of them move. There is something else.  
Elliot can sense it in the pregnant silence that sits between them. The physician is debating how to address something and Elliot needs to know.

After last night, he thinks there is little he can't take.

"Doc?" Elliot begins, keeping his voice low, hoping to alleviate Monroe's hesitancy. As soon as Dr. Monroe opens his mouth to speak, his cell phone rings. He holds up his hand, "Excuse me, I have to take this."  
Elliot nods.  
He watches as Monroe moves further down the hallway and listens to the caller's message. "Yes. The results of the stress test? All right, I'll be right there."

Dr. Monroe hangs up and walks toward him and though it does nothing to ease his agitation, Elliot knows the moment has passed. The physician is back to being all business.  
"Elliot, I apologize. I have a patient. I'm sure I'll speak to you again before tomorrow morning." Monroe claps Elliot's arm before moving swiftly down toward the elevator. Elliot wants to call out to him, but he is already back on his phone.

Elliot gives himself a moment before he crosses the threshold of Olivia's room. He tries to shake the residual anxiety from his bones before he sees her. He knocks softly on the door frame before stepping inside.

"Hey," he says, keeping his voice low. "There must be a run on root beer because there isn't a single bottle in this place." He removes the cap from the bottle in his hand. "I got you a ginger ale. Is that okay?"

When Olivia doesn't answer, he looks at her.  
Her gaze is fixed on the window and he can tell by the expression on her face that something has upset her.  
"What's the matter?" He asks gently, sitting down in the chair beside her bed. Olivia shakes her head as if it is nothing, but when she finally meets his eyes, he can see that she is trying to keep herself from crying.  
All at once, he is apprehensive and the fear threatens to choke him. "Tell me what happened," he manages.

Olivia reaches toward him, brushing his hand with her fingers. "It's okay, El. I'm fine. The doctor stopped in and told me I'm able to discharged in the morning."

"I just saw Dr. Monroe. He told me," Elliot explains, but his words don't change Olivia's expression. He furrows his brow and keeps his voice low when he speaks. "That's good, isn't it?" He asks because he doesn't understand.

Olivia's nod comes a little too quickly and with that her tears spill over.  
"Liv," he breathes her name as he moves forward to sit on her bed. He wants to hold her, to pull her to himself, but he isn't sure where to touch her or if he can. She shakes her head and he presses his palm to her cheek, halting her movement. "Talk to me."  
He catches a flash of anxiety in the depths of her dark eyes before - "I don't want to go home by myself," she confesses on a hushed sob.

Elliot draws a breath and she follows his lead. He offers a silent prayer of thanks; this is something he can control. "I'm staying, Liv. I'm gonna stay with you for as long as you want me to. You really thought I was gonna leave you alone?" His question is rhetorical.  
He doesn't want to hear her answer. He knows he has left her for too long. He reads her expression and he can tell she has more to say.

With his silence, he wills her words into existence. He needs her to speak. He needs to know what she wants him to do.  
He watches her take another breath, but it is too shallow for her to really take in any air. "I don't really want to go back to my place. Not right now."

Elliot sits quietly, letting her words wash over him. He has three seconds to compose himself enough to ask her, to offer. All he has wanted this entire time is to take her with him. "You wanna come home with me?" He asks, hoping against hope that she doesn't hear the emotion tingeing his tone.  
"To Virginia?" She asks.  
He nods, steeling himself for her reply.  
"Yes." Her answer comes without hesitation and when meets her gaze her smile is sheepish.

He grins in relief.

"Really?" He asks before he can stop himself and he reminds himself of Eli in this moment, full of possibility and hope. Olivia's answering smile is enough to send him reeling.  
"You need some more stuff from your place?" He realizes he is going too fast and he has to slow down, take this one step at a time.  
"No, your girls did a good job." Olivia replies, gratefully.

Elliot surveys her as they lapse into silence once more. He can't believe he is being given this chance. Twenty-four hours ago, he thought he had lost her forever and now, now she is letting him take her home.

"El," she says his name and the sound brings him back beside her. "Are you sure?" She asks.

"'Bout what?" He counters. He is gently teasing her, but his mind has already moved forward to tomorrow and he has to fight to keep himself in the present. If these last few hours of his life have taught him anything, it is that tomorrow isn't guaranteed.

Olivia gives a quiet laugh. "About this? About me coming with you?"

He wants to tell her he has never been more certain about anything in his life. He wants to tell her that he loves her and if it is up to him the only time she will ever come back to her apartment is to pack up all her things and hop into the moving truck beside him. He wants to tell her and he will.  
For now, he contents himself with touching the wave of her hair that rests just above her shoulder "Keep telling you, what's mine is yours."

There is a soft knock on the door and Elliot turns to see Cragen standing against the door frame.  
"You know this guy?" Elliot asks, nodding toward his former captain. "We've met," Olivia replies and Elliot watches Don's expression soften at the familiar sound of their banter. Cragen steps into the room and takes the chair Elliot just vacated.

"You okay?" Don asks and Elliot can tell that although the question is directed at Olivia, he is asking both of them.

Elliot waits for Olivia's answer. He has a tendency to want to speak for her in situations like this, not because she can't answer for herself, but because he desperately wants to protect her. Speaking for her is a habit he has to break.

"I'm okay. I'll be discharged in the morning." She pauses and Cragen has known her long enough to know she has more to say.

Elliot watches her dark gaze flick to his blue and he gives her the slightest smile. He understands her hesitation in telling Don about their plans. It is born of more than a dozen years of unwavering professionalism and of skirting this nebulous thing that resides between them. Elliot wants to turn all the lights on and wait for the sun to clear out the fog. He wants her to see where they stand together. He wants her to know how definite they are. He is.

He tries to convey what he can to her without words and by some miracle, he thinks she understands. A shy smile tugs at the corner of Olivia's mouth. "Elliot is taking me home," she says, "To Virginia."

Her words hit him like a punch he wouldn't have dodged even if he could have. The way she says it...he expected her to say that she is going to _stay_ with him. The fact that she knows she is going home is nearly too much. He could cry.  
He can't look at her anymore, but prays she hears everything he wants to say in the press of his hand to her blanket covered knee.

Cragen gives half a laugh. "About time," he says cryptically. Elliot glances at Olivia and he knows the gaze they share makes them look like children caught by their father with their hands in the cookie jar. He wonders how many times Cragen has seen them share the same look.

Don sits back, checks his watch, and surveys them both. "What are you doing for New Year's?" He asks. Olivia gives a huff of laughter as if that is the last thing she expected to hear. "What?" She asks for clarification.

Elliot shakes his head to let her know that he is just as in the dark as she is.  
"It's New Year's Eve, kids. You'd better make up for this a year from now. Virginia isn't a bad drive, so I expect an invitation to your party."

Cragen's teasing is mild, but Elliot can hear the the hitch in Olivia's breathing.  
"It is New Year's Eve," She says softly. Elliot knows that he has only seconds before she starts apologizing. She is going to apologize for ruining their holiday because she doesn't know that either one of the men who sit before her would give up any day to be by her side.

"Olivia," Elliot starts and Don jumps in. Cragen knows her like a daughter and is aware that she takes on the responsibility of everything that happens around her. "I'm joking, Liv," Don says gently, giving her a smile. "All that matters is that you're okay."

Olivia nods silently and shifts her gaze to Elliot. "The kids," she says and he shakes his head. "No. They're together at Kathy's. They're fine."

Olivia sighs in defeat and leans back against her pile of pillows. Elliot doesn't miss her wincing or the brush of her hand against her left side. "How do you feel?" He asks her and she throws him a look. He knows that she hates being coddled, but right now she doesn't have any other options.  
"I'm fine," she says.  
"Try again, Olivia," Cragen chimes in, "All these years and you've never perfected that poker face. You forget he can read you like a book."

Elliot takes a breath at Don's words and it takes every ounce of control he has to remain seated. He touches Olivia's knee, hidden beneath the blanket, once more before he stands up. He has to move and he prays that his standing doesn't seem abrupt to Olivia, but he knows better.

When he chances a look back at her, she is watching him. He looks up at the digital clock above her bed.  
8:17pm.  
He plants his hands on the foot of her bed and leans forward. "Listen, I have to run back to Kathy's to grab my stuff so we can leave in the morning."  
He sees Olivia take a breath. "Will you do me a favor?" She asks.  
Elliot cocks his head. "Maybe," he answers, carefully.  
They both ignore Cragen's laugh. She looks up at Elliot. "Stay at Kathy's tonight," she says and before he can reply she is talking over him. "Please. I can't relax unless I know you get some sleep."

"How do you know if I'm sleeping or not?" He counters, "You're supposed to be asleep, too."  
She glares at him. "I can't help you drive, El," she pleads.  
"I'm a big kid, Liv. I can handle the drive," Elliot replies. He watches her as she tries to take a deep breath, but settles for a shallow one. "Just think about it," she says. Neither one of them is going to give in and they both know it. "Go on, Elliot. I'm going to stick around for a while," Don says interrupting their glaring match.

Elliot nods gratefully to his former captain. Don stands up to stretch and moves toward the window to look out at the snow.

Elliot steps closer to Olivia's side. "I'll see you later," he tells her and Olivia shakes her head in exasperation. "Okay, tomorrow," he corrects, "That better?"  
"Sure," she replies as he leans down and presses a kiss to her temple _. I love you._  
 _Almost._  
 _Almost._ The words almost fall from his lips.  
They feel so natural and so right, but Cragen is six feet away and he knows he will embarrass the hell out of her if he tells her for the first time in front of Don.

He leaves Olivia in Don's capable hands. Cragen knows he will be back. Elliot will let Olivia think he is retiring to Kathy's for the evening and hope against hope that by the time he returns to her side, she will be fast asleep.

* * *

The shovel hits the end of Kathy's driveway and Elliot turns to survey his work. Dickie started the job and Elliot had turned onto the street just in time to take over for his son. Dickie left minutes afterward for a New Year's party with his friends. Elliot didn't miss his son's hesitation in leaving, but he ignored it. He appreciates Dickie's help, and loves his presence, but he wanted him to go. He wants his family to get back to their normal routines.

Kathy's driveway is flat and only a few dozen feet so the task doesn't take long. Still, he wonders if he should invest in a snow blower for Kathy. Dickie lives on campus at school and though he is often home, Elliot can't expect his son to take care of this for his mother.

At five years of age, the other man of the house is about as helpful as the snowman he built in the yard. Elliot knows Kathy doesn't have a problem coming out here to shovel herself, but as a man he feels the need to take care of it for her.

Elliot makes his way to the front porch and holds onto the cold railing as he stomps the snow from his sneakers.  
The front door opens behind him and an instant later he feels a warm weight wrap around his leg. "Got you, Daddy!" Eli exclaims, clinging to the cold denim that covers Elliot's thigh. Elliot buries his hand in his baby's soft damp curls.

"Hi buddy, did you get a bath?" He asks as he maneuvers them both into the warmth of the foyer. Eli mad giggles trigger Elliot's own laughter as he moves forward with his son still firmly attached to his leg. "You're like a little koala bear, kid," Elliot comments and it only serves to make Eli laugh some more.

Elliot stops for a moment and savors the sound.

He loves this child so much and all the moments they have shared over Christmas are beyond precious. Elliot knows he will have to treasure them for a few weeks until he can have time with his little guy again. There are times when he breaks his own heart thinking about how Eli doesn't have the benefit of both he and Kathy under the same roof and at his fingertips.

He thinks of his older children and the lives they lead when they were Eli's age. He knows that things have changed and that he has changed since his four oldest were small.  
For a long time, he had wasted energy berating himself and believing he had failed his children. He tries not to give those feelings a place to rest anymore. He sends them packing because he knows the truth. He did the very best he could with the cards he had been dealt at the time. He thinks he has grown up since then because he acknowledges all that he could have been then and sees all that he can be now.

He knows the job stole from all of them. He let the job take and take until he didn't have anything left to give to anyone.  
It is only in the aftermath that he sees what he has missed. He had to lose so much to gain everything in return.

He is becoming the man he has always wanted to be. He works hard every single day to make his vision a reality. He wants to be the best father, the father they deserve.  
He is sure he wants to be a husband again, but knows that desire will take time to manifest.

Most importantly, he is trying to become the best version of himself, a man he can be proud of.  
He thinks he is getting there.  
He works hard every single day and if he feels himself starting to slip he thinks of his children. They are amazing.

Regardless of his behavior throughout their childhood, by some miracle, all of them turned out great. They are endlessly resilient, bright, and caring individuals.

Elliot thinks that he couldn't love them more if he tried. He knows that he owes so much of the kids lives to Kathy.  
While he tried to shield them, she shaped them.  
The truth of the matter is that his ex-wife raised four amazing children. He tried to keep them safe by maintaining his distance, while Kathy stood beside them day in and day out.

Elliot thinks this is why he is so obsessive about his time with Eli. By the grace of God, he has been given another chance to be a father. This time he has vowed to be present for everything, every karate tournament and piano recital.  
He can't rewind time with his older children, but he can offer them his time and every moment of his attention now. He has a place in the world now. A stable home that he offers them every day.

More than that, he offers them himself. He knows now that that is what they wanted from him all along. To be with him, to be beside him, to talk to him, and to listen to him.  
He realizes it was his own lack of self-confidence and faith in himself that caused him to put up those thick walls.  
He always said he was protecting his family from the job, but he realizes he was protecting them from himself.

Now that he has been broken down, now that the walls are gone, he realizes that he can't go for long without his children's company. He wants their stories, their input, their advice. He wants them to feel as though they have a place in his world and he so desperately cherishes the space they have given him in theirs.

Elliot knows his world is shifting again and life will change over the next few days with Olivia. His next step in working toward the man he wants to be is to talk to her. He wants to get her home, to make sure she is rested and well and to talk to her. He wants to tell her everything, about the accident, about his life, about his feelings for her. He wants to give her his time and he prays she will be gracious enough to give him hers. After last night, time is the only thing he fears; time and running out of it.

"Elliot." The sound of Kathy's voice shakes him from his reverie and he realizes that he has been standing in the foyer dripping snow on the floor for the last few minutes.  
Elliot looks up to see her seated on the stairs, pulling her boots on. He stares at her and somehow she seems to know that he isn't really there.  
He is sorry because he knows she is familiar with this side of him. The side of him that wasn't present and he wants to show her too, that he has changed. He feels like he owes it to the woman he used to call his wife. He owes it to her to try to show her the man their children call their father.

"Do you want to go for a little walk with me?" She asks, moving to the closet and pulling on a dark green parka.  
"Sure," he replies and he watches her tug her blonde hair out from beneath the collar of her coat. Kathy steps into the living room to tell Maureen where they are going and he hears Eli ask if he can come. He grins to himself in the empty foyer as their oldest daughter diverts their youngest son's attention into the kitchen. 

Elliot follows Kathy out onto the porch and down the stairs. He pushes his hands into the pocket of his sweatshirt as she fiddles with putting on a knit hat. Kathy sees the clear driveway and shakes her head with a smile. "Uh-oh, Jamie and Ben are going to out of a job tomorrow."  
Elliot looks at her and she explains.  
"My neighbor Caren's sweet sons. They're eight and eleven. They came over for the first time in October to ask me if they could rake leaves. Eli loves them and they treat him like a little brother. The boys have been shoveling for me when Dickie isn't around. I've been giving them each ten dollars every time they come to help."  
Elliot smiles and fumbles in his back pocket for his wallet. "Here's a twenty for them and we'll call it a truce." She just laughs and pushes his hand away. He is glad to know there are good people who live on these streets.

The snow has stopped for the time being and the night is remarkably quiet. Elliot thinks back to twenty-four hours ago and he is sure he was standing beneath this same sky believing in a completely different outcome for the rest of his life.

He takes Kathy's lead and makes a right out of the driveway. He has to slow down his steps just slightly so that she can keep up. It strikes him that in their previous life, it was always Kathy who was trying to keep up with him. Now, he is slowing to match her. 

They are both silent for a few minutes, taking in the cold evening air. Elliot surveys the neighborhood as they walk. It seems like a nice enough area.  
She has told him there are plenty of young families with children who live nearby. Many of Eli's friends from school live on these streets and Kathy has said more than once that she feels comfortable here. She has three bedrooms, Eli's, Lizzie's, and her own. The house has a large porch, and a decent-sized front and backyard for Eli to run around. 

Kathy laughs softly and Elliot turns to look at her and from her expression he can tell that she has been watching him. "What?" He asks with a small smile. "You're a million miles away, El," she replies and she isn't wrong. "Are you okay?" She asks and her voice is gentle. He nods in response. "Is Olivia okay?" She continues and he turns to look at her. He can't possibly know how difficult this is for her and he has to start to speak. He owes her so much more than his reticence.  
He takes a breath and answers.  
"Olivia is gonna be fine. She's gonna be discharged in the morning."

It is Kathy's turn to nod and when he meets her blue eyes he doesn't see anything except pure concern. "I'm glad," she replies, "We were worried there for a while."  
"I was, too." Elliot says in agreement.

"Are you going to stick around for a while?" Kathy asks in a tone that tells him she already knows something of the answer. He stops walking and turns to face her. He owes her. He owes her the truth.

"No," he says, shaking his head. He worries his bottom lip. "I think I'm gonna take Liv back to Virginia. The doctors don't want her to be alone and she isn't comfortable at her place right now so that's the best solution I could think of," he says before he realizes that it sounds like he is trying to justify Olivia's presence. He doesn't mean to, but he isn't sure how to discuss Olivia with Kathy.  
There isn't a manual for the smooth handling of conversations after divorce, not that he was ever good at conversing while they were married...

"That will be nice, El," Kathy says, "It will be nice for Liv to see the house." He doesn't know what to say and so he starts to walk beside her once more.  
"I have to ask you," she starts again. "Last night. Kathleen called while Maureen and I were finishing up dinner. She told me she was standing outside your truck in the hospital parking lot and then she started sobbing." Elliot can hear the emotion in Kathy's voice at the memory.

"I couldn't understand anything she was saying and it took both Maur and I on speaker phone to calm her down, but then she told us what happened. About the curve in the road and the black ice. She said you went down the hill to help." She looks at him. "She was standing near the ambulance and that's when she knew." Kathy pauses for a moment and shudders slightly. "She knew it was Olivia. She said she only saw her for a second before the ambulance left, but it was enough for her to know."

Elliot swallows hard, fighting the urge to cry. Hearing the events retold from his daughter's perspective makes it all real once again.

Kathy continues. "She told us where you guys were and that Dickie was already on his way. She said she was keeping Eli out in the truck until we got there because she didn't want him to see anything he shouldn't." Kathy takes a breath. "My question for you is, did our daughter leave anything out? Did _she_ see anything I should be worried about?"

"No," he replies, "I don't think so." He goes back to the scene in his mind. The sirens, the lights, the blood. He remembers their daughter running toward him. He remembers her tears. He remembers the look in her eyes when she saw him, her stubborn refusal to leave his side, her protection of Eli, and shouldering of all the responsibility of taking them to the hospital.

He can feel Kathy's gaze on him. She is quiet for a moment before she speaks again. "But you did, didn't you?"

He exhales and looks at her.  
"The blood," he says, "You saw Olivia's blood on my clothes last night. I came up the hill and Leen was standing right there waiting for me. She was crying and..." He tries to remember. "We talked to an EMS worker and then...I was getting in the car and she stopped me. She put a blanket up across the seats so Eli wouldn't see anything. She didn't want him to be afraid." He swallows hard before continuing. "Then she drove me to the hospital. Our daughter. She took on the responsibility. She _drove."_ Elliot's voice breaks as the full reality of Kathleen's actions sets in. "I fought her on it, but she is stubborn as hell."

Kathy smiles ever so slightly. "I wonder where she gets that from."  
Elliot ignores her and tries to focus all his energy on breathing. He can't discuss his children with anyone for too long without becoming emotional.

"Leen will be all right, Elliot. Whatever happens we'll work through it together," Kathy assures him, reading his mind. They walk on through the deserted street. Compared to all the New Year's Eve nights he spent in the city, this night is silent.

"I have to tell you something," Kathy says, brushing a stray lock of blonde away from her face with her mitten-clad hand. Elliot looks at her and she stops to take him in. "You're not going to want to hear it," she continues. "But I think you have to. I think it will be good for you. For us."

Elliot struggles for a deep breath and nods her on. They both know it is easier to speak when your feet are moving so they walk forward.

"I'm happy, El," Kathy begins, "I'm happy with myself, with our children, with where I am right now. I'm happy for you, too. The girls tell me about what you've done with the house and your job and now, with Olivia...I'm would never have wanted these circumstances, but I'm not sorry that she is going to stay with you." She stops speaking and looks up at the night sky. The cloud cover is clearing just slightly and when Elliot follows her lead, he can just make out pin-pricks of light through the darkness overhead.

"I know the girls tell you everything, so you know that I've been seeing someone."  
He nods in acknowledgement and she keeps speaking. "He's a great guy. He's a teacher. We're not getting married or anything," Kathy backtracks. "I think I'd wait until Eli got older if I were ever going to remarry - but I like him. I'm comfortable with him and I like who I am when I'm with him. I'm me, El."

"God knows, I'm not telling you this to make you feel upset. I'm telling you because it's real and it's life and it's about moving on. If I know anything it's that that is what Olivia does for you. She is comfort. I think you can be yourself around her. Correct me I'm wrong."

He doesn't correct her and she continues on.

"I know you, Elliot. You're a good man. You always try to do the right thing, by God, and by everyone around you. I want you to start to think about the right things for you."

He can't look at her. He can't.

"I know you," she repeats, "and I know that you carry this misplaced sense of guilt around with you all the time. I see it when I look at you."

He wonders if he can get away with wiping his eyes on his sleeve without Kathy's notice. He decides against it and lets the cold air dry his wet face.

"I don't want you to regret anything, El. I don't want you to feel like things would have been different. We did the best we could with the cards we were dealt for the time we were together." He prays she can't hear the tears that just caught in his throat.

"We have five gorgeous children, Elliot. We brought five kind, gentle, bright, and brave human beings into this world. They have their tempers and their low moments, but more than anything they are genuinely good kids. They are half of me and sometimes I think you forget that they are half of you."

He can't stifle the sob that escapes and Kathy wordlessly tucks a tissue into his hand.

"Can I tell you a story?" She asks and he feels her chance a glance at him so he nods in response. "Do you remember the twins' eighth birthday?"

He wracks his brain, but not too hard because he is exhausted. Eighth...eight years old. He remembers. He and Olivia had been working on a case for more than forty-eight hours straight. A missing little girl and a ticking clock. He remembers feeling almost as fatigued as he is now. Elliot nods again to let Kathy know he is following along.

"Remember how I brought them to see you at the precinct and you tried to get them something from the vending machine, but it wasn't working." Kathy pauses for a moment and he thinks she is trying to make up her mind about something. When she does, she begins to speak again.  
"Everyone was so busy and distracted - trying to help that little girl, but you took the time to see us. Two minutes, but it meant everything to the kids. Do you remember how we brought you a toothbrush and a change of clothes?"  
He remembers. "Yeah," he manages.

"The kids handed them to you and you hugged them just as Olivia came running around the corner with some information about your case. You stood up and you handed me the packages. You tried to kiss me, but you missed my mouth," Kathy laughs softly.  
"You ran after her. After your case. You solved it and you brought that little girl home to her family. You all saved her. That day changed things for me. That was when I knew. I knew that you were connected to her in some unexpected way. I watched you literally drop everything for Olivia."

"Kathy," he rasps. He wants to say it was about the case, about the missing child, but the more he thinks about it, he doesn't want to lie. He has always come when Olivia has called.  
Kathy holds up her hand. "Let me finish, Elliot."

"I love you. Just not in a way that allows us to be married to each other anymore. I know that you love me and God knows you love our children, but you love Olivia differently. You always have. I know you and in order for you to move forward I need you to know this. You carry around this unfounded sense of guilt. Guilt about who you are, guilt about the kids, about our marriage, about everything. I know you think it has a purpose and a reason, but it doesn't." Kathy shakes her head, trying to impress this upon him."

"I know you blame yourself for everything that happened between us, but it takes two to tango, El. I never made it easy for you. I need you to know that I never blamed Olivia for anything because it was never about her. It was about us. It was _always_ about us. I know I threw her in your face more than a few times when I was angry and I'm not proud of that, but the truth is I respect the hell out of her. You have something with Olivia that I will never understand and I'm not supposed to-"

"Kathy," he growls. He has to defend Olivia and their relationship. "Nothing ever, _ever_ happened when we were married."

Kathy waves his words away. "I know that, Elliot. I think I know that better than you do sometimes. She is good for you. I know it and so do you. From what I hear from Kathleen, it is Olivia you have to convince. She seems to carry the same burdens that you do and I don't want weight resting on anyone's shoulders anymore. Life is too short, El."

Elliot is crying now and he knows that Kathy can hear him. Graciously, she avoids looking at him and continues speaking. He can hear the gentle smile in her voice.

"Sometimes you remind me so much of that boy I met in high school, the one I fell in love with. Then I think about how young we were, El. We were babies raising babies. We beat all the odds, Elliot. We ran a good race for a long time. We weren't perfect, but we tried and I think that's all that matters. Our hearts were in it until they weren't, but our intentions were always good - our children are proof of that. I don't regret a minute of it, but I think it's time we both stopped looking back."

"We're always going to be here, El. We're a family and Olivia has been included in this for a long time. That's never going to change, but tomorrow I want to you to drive back to Virginia and I want you talk to her, Elliot. I hope you'll tell the the truth. You have to let all this go so you can find your future. I've found mine, El. It's here. I think yours is waiting for you back at the hospital. She's waiting for you to take her home."


	15. Chapter 15

Author's Note: Thank you all so much for all of your feedback on that last chapter. Kathy is very near and dear to my heart and I desperately wanted that moment for them. I'm so glad that so many of you appreciated it as well. Thank you again and again. Enjoy!

* * *

Elliot closes the back door of the Tundra and the sound echoes across the silent parking lot. He just moved the truck into the first available parking spot outside the doors of the hospital in preparation for their trip back to Virginia.

He slides his cold hands into the pockets of his jeans and looks up.  
The new year has barely drawn a breath at this early hour and the edges of the sky are just beginning to lighten. He breathes deeply of the cold morning air and he feels surprisingly clear-headed, despite his lack of sleep.

Olivia had been asleep when he arrived back in her room last night, but he knows that she didn't stay that way. He listened to the rustling of her sheets as she tossed and turned enough times to make him want to climb into the bed beside her. He woke each time that she did so and he knows she didn't get enough rest. She fell asleep just as he quietly packed their belongings and he is trying not to let himself think that it is the impending journey home that has finally soothed her.

Though he has never been one to believe in fate, he wonders about the timing of this. On the moment of the birth of the new calendar year, he gets to start over.

With Olivia.

He thinks Kathleen would call it karma and Maureen would call it coincidence. He knows Elizabeth would call it a blessing and it is his youngest daughter's unfailing belief in the divine timing of all things that he is relying on.

He is being given chance after chance and he knows he doesn't deserve any of them. He has had hours to replay Kathy's conversation in his head, but he hasn't allowed himself to focus on the implications of it just yet. He does know that she has given him a gift. Kathy's words have given him the push he hadn't realized he was waiting on.

Now there is nothing left to do except to take Olivia home.

The only thing that stands in his way is the fact that he is sure that she is still asleep and he desperately wants her to remain that way. He wonders whether he could get away with carrying her to the car without waking her.

Elliot stops at her door and before he steps inside he already knows she has turned the tables on him once again. He knows that she is awake because she isn't in her bed.  
Somehow, she has managed to pull her packed bag up from the floor because it sits on the unmade bed. A deep purple sweatshirt is spilling out onto the white blanket as though Olivia had just been rummaging for it. The bathroom door is ajar and he can hear the sink running inside. If he didn't know so much about Olivia's indomitable will, how she made it out of bed unassisted would be a mystery.

"Liv," he says softly, standing just outside the door.  
The bathroom door swings open slowly and when he sees her, he knows her grip on the handle is the only thing holding her up. She is wearing a pair of black lounge pants beneath her hospital gown. "Sorry," Olivia says, "I didn't think you'd be back so quickly."

Elliot shakes his head, dismissing her words. "You okay?" He asks softly. He watches her glance up at him from beneath the fringe of her bangs and she worries her lip for a moment before she speaks.  
"Do you think you could help me with something?" She asks, the softest blush creeping over her skin. Elliot steps forward, moving closer to her. He doesn't understand why she is embarrassed. "Anything," he replies.

Olivia stares at him for a long moment before she gives a resigned sigh. He knows what it takes out of her to ask for help and he can't help the way his hands want to hold onto her waist.  
"What do you need me to do?" He asks. Olivia's gaze drifts to the bed behind him and he turns to follow her line of sight. "Will you help me put that sweatshirt on?"

It is Elliot's turn to draw a breath as comprehension dawns. He wants to laugh; not at the simplicity of her request, but at the implications that cling to it.  
All these years together and they still dance around what exists between them. He wants to make sure she understands there is a clear delineation in the way that he sees her. This particular moment isn't about sex, or lust, or taking her clothes off.  
It is about love.  
He loves her. He _loves_ her. God, he does. He wants to take care of her for every day of the rest of her life if she will allow him, if she will have him.  
He wants to start now.

Olivia won't meet his eyes, instead her gaze is fixed on the floor and she is shaking her head slightly.

"It'll be easier if you sit down," Elliot says, hoping she doesn't hear concern tinting his voice, but rather practicality. She follows his instructions and makes her way toward the bed, turning to face him. Elliot hunches down in front of her, resting his hands on the bed on either side of her thighs.

"You tell me what you need me to do," he requests, giving her all of the control. When he looks up to meet Olivia's eyes, he is surprised to see a hint of emotion swimming in her dark irises.  
"Liv," he says, dropping to his knees in front of her. "We can call a nurse-" Olivia presses her fingers against his hand and he feels the bandage that covers her skin. "No," she says without hesitation, "I want you."

Mercifully, she looks back down at the floor and Elliot has time to wipe the grateful look from his face. "I want you to help," she elaborates.  
He nods, "Okay."  
Elliot stands slowly and reaches for the soft cotton of the sweatshirt. He bunches it up in his hands to make it easier to feed it over Olivia's head. He does the same thing with Eli's clothes. "Tell me what you want, Liv," he repeats, taking a step back and surveying her face. Olivia takes a breath and he watches as she holds onto the air.

"There are snaps on the back of the gown," she explains quietly, motioning toward her back with her right hand. Elliot drops the sweatshirt into her lap and bends down in front of her once more. "I'm gonna go around the other side of the bed." He wants to explain everything to her. He waits for her nod of understanding before he moves around to the opposite side of the bed. Olivia sits with her back to him as he kneels on the bed.  
"Liv," Elliot whispers her name, "I'm gonna touch you, okay?"

He watches her nod again before he lightly brushes her dark ponytail away from the back of her neck. He prays his hands aren't cold as he reaches for the top snap at the nape of her neck.  
One, two, three snaps. Elliot counts as he keeps his eyes on the blue fabric of the hospital gown. He knows if he looks up he will see her bare back and the bruises, the cuts, the deep gash that shed her blood across his hands not forty-eight hours ago.

Four snaps.

He moves back to the other side of the bed where Olivia sits. The hospital gown rests open against the back of her shoulders and she is holding the front of it to her with her left hand.  
Elliot watches her cautiously as he reaches for the sweatshirt in her lap. He bunches it up in his hands once more and moves to stand in front of her.

"I'm gonna put it over your head," he tells her and he gingerly slides the cotton fabric over her head. He does it slowly so as not to jar her neck. As soon as the fabric clears her face, he gently brushes her hair away from her eyes. "You okay?" He asks her and Olivia smiles. "I'm okay," she answers.  
She takes another breath and Elliot knows she can't get the hospital gown off and pull the sweatshirt down her body at the same time. Not when all of her energy is being used by simply holding herself up.

"I'm gonna close my eyes, Liv," he tells her. "I'm gonna close my eyes and if you can pull the hospital gown off, I can hold the sweatshirt for you to put your arms up into."

"Elliot," Olivia says his name like she is about to give into something.  
Whatever she is going to say, he doesn't want to hear it. It is okay and he wants her to know this.  
It's just them.  
Just the two of them in a hospital room, getting ready for the day. It is not difficult or monumental. It doesn't have to be.  
Elliot shakes his head. "No, Liv. This is the way we're gonna do it."

Olivia tilts her head and stares at him for a moment before she nods.  
"Ready?" He asks. He is in no hurry. He just wants to make sure she is comfortable before he does anything.  
"Yeah," Olivia replies and her eyes are the last thing he sees before he closes his own.

Elliot waits, depending on his sense of Olivia alone. He feels her move the fabric of the hospital gown away from her shoulders because the back of his hands holding her sweatshirt are suddenly against her bare skin. He can feel Olivia's goosebumps appearing and he tries to tell himself that it is the temperature of the room that has her chilled. He prays for the strength not to reach for her and instead focuses on holding himself as still as possible until she is ready for his help.

"Okay El," she whispers and he waits to feel her right arm moving for the sleeve. He bunches up the sleeve and slides his hand inside. His fingers intertwine with hers as he pulls her hand through to the cuff. He hears Olivia laugh softly and the sound makes his grin. "What's so funny, Benson?" He asks.  
"I feel like I'm five," she replies and he lets the fabric drop from his grasp when he feels her take control.

"You can open your eyes now," Olivia says, but he waits a few moments more, just in case she needs more privacy. When he looks down at her, he sees that she has pulled the sweatshirt all the way down to cover her stomach. She is struggling to get her bandaged left arm all way into the sleeve as he bends down in front of her. He fishes for her fingers and gingerly helps her settle her arm all the way inside.

When Elliot is finished, he looks up at her. "You okay?" He asks her, once more.  
"El, I-" Olivia starts, but something holds her back and Elliot doesn't press her. He follows her gaze toward the door where a nurse is waiting.  
"I'm sorry. I hope I'm not interrupting," the nurse says, "Ms. Benson, I just have to have you sign some paperwork and then you'll be free to go."

Olivia holds his gaze for a moment longer before she nods the nurse into the room. Elliot stands as Olivia accepts the clipboard into her lap.  
He moves back, leaning against the wall to give her space.

The nurse looks at him, "Will you need a wheelchair?" Elliot ignores the way Olivia's head snaps up, but catches her wince that follows. She is moving too fast and he knows the next few days are going to consist of trying to keep her off her feet. She moves her hand to the back of her neck to touch the sore muscles.  
"No," he says, bringing his attention back to the nurse. "Thank you. We'll be all right."

He knows that Olivia will sooner take the stairs by herself than let him push her in a wheelchair.

The nurse smiles gently as she takes the paperwork from Olivia. "That's all I need from you. I'll take care of the rest of this."  
"Thank you," Olivia says, "for all of your help." The woman smiles and lightly touches Olivia's shoulder. Before she leaves the room, the nurse turns toward Elliot. "Please call if you have any questions or concerns."  
Elliot nods. "Thank you," he says, shaking the nurse's hand as she walks out into the hallway.

Elliot turns around just in time to watch Olivia fail to stifle a yawn. He feels his chest ache at her visible fatigue. He takes a step toward where she sits on the bed and brushes her hair away from her cheek once more. "Gotta get you in the truck and then you can sleep, all right?"

Olivia nods against his fingers. "I'm okay," she says. He wants to respond, but he holds his tongue. She is tired and for the first time in her life, Olivia Benson might actually be giving in without a fight. Elliot thinks that if he didn't know how exhausted she is, her lack of protest would make him anxious.

He watches her take a breath before she leans over and works to close the zipper on her bag. Elliot takes it from her and slings it over his shoulder while he reaches for her. He helps her into the black parka that his girls brought from her apartment. She surprises him when she takes his arm and let him lead her out into the hallway and toward the elevator.

They don't speak as they wait for the elevator and Elliot thinks he might be looking at her too much. Her hair is mussed and her cheek is scratched. Her jaw is tinged with purple by the bruise and he knows her split bottom lip is bothering her because she keeps drawing it into her mouth. He can't focus on her mouth because if he does, he knows it will only be an instant before he kisses her right there in the hallway.

And he can't.  
He can't. He knows he has no right to touch her until he tells her the truth.

The doors slide open and the elevator is empty. They step inside and their touch is broken momentarily as Elliot presses the button for the lobby and the doors close. The elevator starts to move and he slips his arm around her just before he feels Olivia's fingers grasp the fabric of his sweatshirt.  
"El," she says quietly and he hears her unsteady inhale. "You okay?" He asks trying to keep his voice light as he tightens his hold around her waist.  
"I'm dizzy," Olivia replies and he looks down at her in time to see her close her eyes.  
"It's okay, Liv. I got you," he assures her. He knows it is the motion of the elevator that has made her lightheaded.

When the elevator stops, Elliot gives her time to adjust. He holds onto her waist. "You want me to carry you?" He asks her earnestly and the look she gives him in response is enough for him to know that she will make it to the truck.  
The doors slide open and Dr. Monroe stands before them. Olivia immediately relinquishes her hold on Elliot's sweatshirt and he knows she is trying to appear steadier than she feels.

"Olivia, Elliot. I'm glad I caught you. I was just on my way up to check in." Monroe lets them step out into the hallway. Elliot can tell from the tentative way Olivia is standing beside him that she is worried the doctor is going to order her back upstairs and into bed. He knows she is precariously close to leaning against him and he keeps his arm firmly around her waist. They have come this far and if he can just get her to the parking lot...

Olivia shoots a glance his way and he knows she is trying to tell him to let her go, but he is only going to grab her hand if he drops his hold around her waist. He knows Olivia isn't going to like that either, so he ignores her and directs his attention toward Dr. Monroe.  
"Thank you, Doc," Elliot says, reaching forward to shake Monroe's proffered hand. He owes this man. Both of them owe this man more than Elliot can ever explain.

"Olivia," Dr. Monroe says, giving her an appraising glance. "I know we don't know each other well, but you don't strike me as someone who plays by the rules. I respect that and a lot of the time, I do the same thing." Monroe smiles at her and Elliot thinks he knows what is coming. "But I need you to something for me," he continues, "I need you to listen to what Elliot tells you to do. For right now, he knows what's best, okay?" Elliot feels a grin unfurling and he wants to shake his head at just how precisely Monroe has Olivia's number down.

Seconds pass before Olivia surprises both men when she steps forward and hugs the physician.

"Thank you," she says and Elliot's feels his heart stop for an instant as a thought barrels into him. He wonders. He wonders if somehow she knows.  
Somehow, some way, in her subconscious, he wonders if Olivia knows about what has happened. If she knows what Monroe did less than forty-eight hours ago, if she has some distant blurry memory that exists, but she may not understand right now. Elliot wonders if when she is given all of the pieces of the puzzle whether he will remember.  
He feels the anxiety slithering over his skin and he tries to keep it at bay for a little while longer. He exchanges a glance with Monroe before Olivia pulls back and Elliot feels like the doctor is reading his fear.

Olivia reaches for Elliot's hand and holds on as Monroe smiles once more. "You'll call about anything. Questions, concerns, information. You know how to get in touch," he says. Olivia nods in response, "Thank you again," she says.  
"You're welcome," Monroe replies and he starts to move down the hallway with them. "Olivia, let's get you off your feet. I trust you'll be all right getting to your car?" It is Elliot's turn to nod and right before they pass through the double doors, Monroe speaks once more.  
"Elliot, after you get Olivia situated, can I have a word?"

"Of course, Doc," Elliot replies, looking at the other man. "Give me a few minutes."  
"El, I can-" Olivia starts to protest that she can walk herself out to the truck and Elliot doesn't have to speak because Monroe does it for him. "Olivia, remember what I asked of you. Listen to this guy, all right?"

Olivia takes a deep breath and Elliot isn't sure whether it is the ache in her body or the thought of having to abide by his rules that is causing her to make that facial expression. Nevertheless, she clings to Elliot's hand and lets him lead her out into the parking lot.

"Take your time. I'll be at the nurses station." Dr. Monroe calls from behind them.

They step out into the freezing morning and the pink hues of the early morning sky have changed to white clouds and small patches of blue. Elliot steers Olivia toward the truck and for a moment his vision blurs before him. He can't think about this, not right now. He can't think about how he has her lifeline firmly pressed against his palm, how her heart is beating steadily, and though her gait is slower than usual, how her steps still fall in line with his. He can't think about how mere hours ago he entered this hospital, believing her to be gone and now she is walking beside him through the same parking lot with the new year ahead of them.

He stops at the passenger side of the truck and drops her hand as he reaches into his pocket for his keys. The thought hits him that he should have started the truck and warmed it up, but Olivia has never been one to complain - about anything. He avoids her eyes, but he makes sure she is stable as he opens the door and climbs inside, sliding the keys across the seat into the ignition and turning the heat on to its fullest extent.

Elliot climbs down and pushes the door open all the way before he looks at her. Olivia fiddles with the sleeve of her parka before she moves closer to him. Elliot gives her his hands to hold. "Tell me how you wanna do this," he requests. Olivia assesses the step up into the passenger seat. "I can do it," she says and before he can say another word, she is reaching for the door handle with her right arm. He wants to pick her up and put her into the truck, but more than that he wants her to let him. He knows that she won't and so he stays silent.

Elliot waits for her cues and watches as she places her right foot onto the step and gingerly pulls herself up into the truck. His hands are millimeters away from her waist the entire time, but he lets her do it herself. He doesn't miss the flash of pain that he sees dash across her face. "You okay?" He asks.  
"When are you going to stop asking me that?" She retorts and he squeezes her hand in reply. "When you start to feel better," he tells her. "Don't drive away without me, you got it?"

She shakes her head and gives him the slightest smile. "I'll be right back," he says as he closes the passenger door.  
Elliot has always thought this woman was going to be the death of him, but these last two days have given the idea new meaning. He knows he will be lucky if he can get Olivia to stay off her feet for one day, let alone the weeks that will be necessary for her to fully recover. He takes a deep breath of the cold air before he passes back through the doors one more time.

As he makes his way through the hall, he hears his ringtone sounding from his pocket. He stops and moves up against the wall as he looks at his phone.  
 **Cody Allen** , he reads. He swipes his finger across the screen. "Hello?" he answers. "Elliot, it's Meg." He takes a breath at the sound of Cody's wife's concerned voice.

"Meg," he says, "I'm so sorry I haven't had a chance to call you."  
He can hear her sons in the background. "Elliot, don't worry please. I just - we didn't want to bother you, but are you okay? Leen has been calling to keep us updated."  
Elliot closes his eyes for a moment. This is something else he has to thank his daughter for taking care of.  
"Meg, I'm fine. I'm - Olivia is fine. I'm bringing her back to Virginia. We're leaving here shortly so we'll be home in a couple of hours, depending on how the roads are."

He hears her give a sigh of relief, "Oh my God, I'm go glad you guys are all right. This has been the craziest thing, Elliot. Cody wanted to call you last night, but I said you might be asleep. Trauma has a way of throwing off your schedule." The irony doesn't escape Elliot that he is speaking to a woman who knows the effects of trauma on a life firsthand and all too well. She has lived as the wife of a wounded veteran for seven years.

"I just wanted to tell you that we're going to be leaving for my brother's tomorrow morning and we were going to take Heidi with us if you weren't home yet..."

He stops her in her tracks. This family has done so much for his peace of mind over the last two days. Knowing that Heidi was safe and taken care of gave Elliot the ability to be fully present where he has been needed the most.  
Now Meg is offering to load his dog into her car along with her four year old twins to make a family holiday trip. There is no way in hell he is going to impose on them any longer.  
"Meg, I'll come by and get Heidi tonight. As soon as we get home."

"Elliot, it's really all right. Heidi is a dream you know how much we love her. The boys have been over the moon," Meg laughs softly, "but she misses you. I don't think she understands what has happened."  
Elliot is nodding, he knows Meg is right. His dog is perceptive as all get out and he is sure she is as anxious to see him as he is to be reunited with her.

"Carson, if I see you climb onto that table one more time-" Elliot listens as Meg cautions one of her sons and he hears the twins contagious giggles followed by a dog's bark in the background. _Heidi._ His chest aches for a moment.

"I'll see you tonight, Meg. Thank you-"

"Be careful out there, Elliot," she says cutting him off, "You two get home safely." Meg hangs up before he can say another word. Elliot leans back against the wall for a moment. He wants a better grip on his emotions before he speaks with Dr. Monroe.

He glances down the hallway and spots the physician. Monroe is standing at the counter skimming over a file on an electronic tablet. Elliot waits a full minute until he can get the doctor's attention. He thinks it is unfathomable that two days ago he didn't care about throwing his weight around this hospital and now he is trying to follow every protocol in the book.

"Elliot," Monroe says his name and the doctor moves down the hallway toward him. Monroe motions them into a small office off the main hall.  
"Olivia is settled in?" He asks, offering a chair which Elliot declines with a shake of his head. He gives the physician a small smile. Monroe seems to know that Olivia won't be settled until she is up and moving independently once more.

Dr. Monroe glances back into the hallway before closing the door behind him. "There is something I need you to know," he says.  
Elliot draws a breath and widens his stance against the wall, clasping his hands behind his back. He reminds himself that nothing can be worse than what they have already endured, but he feels his tension mounting. He assures himself that whatever the doctor is about to reveal, he and Olivia will work through it together.

Monroe furrows his brow for a moment before he begins. "As a physician, I'm not allowed to discuss this, per say. So I want you to pretend we're shooting the breeze on the golf course, all right?"  
Elliot is taken aback. He doesn't know where this is going, but he nods in agreement all the same.

Monroe stands squarely across from him and when he speaks his voice is slow and methodical as though he is choosing his words carefully.

"I'm a Christian man, Elliot. I've attended religious services week in and week out since I was a child. My wife and I have raised our two beautiful daughters in the church. My religion is part of who I am, but it isn't strictly part of the practice of medicine. On occasion, I have a hard time separating my beliefs from the things I see in this hospital. I work with life and death breathing down my neck on an regular basis and sometimes I literally hold people's lives in my hands. I can't always save them, but sometimes I do."

Elliot swallows hard. He was right about the assumption he made about this man less than forty-eight hours ago. Dr. Monroe carries his patients with him, long after they stop being under his care.

Elliot can't look at Monroe anymore. He stares at the scuff on the floor between his sneakers. When the doctor speaks again, Elliot can hear the emotion in his voice.

"My point is that I've been doing this job a long time, Elliot. I've seen thousands of trauma victims wheeled through that emergency room. I know their stories and good or bad, I know how they ended." Monroe clears his throat and Elliot snaps his gaze up to meet the doctor's.

"What I want you to know is that I've never seen anything that would help me to explain the outcome of this accident to you. By all accounts, Olivia shouldn't have survived."  
Elliot tries to take a breath, but he finds that his lungs have deserted him. Monroe starts counting off on his fingers.  
"The force of the crash, the angle at which she hit her head, the extent of her injuries, and I know you are aware they lost her briefly in the ambulance..." The doctor shakes his head. "There isn't a medical textbook written that could help me to offer an explanation as to why she just walked out of here with some scratches, some bumps, and a few bruises."

Elliot is shaking now. He can feel his control slowly slipping away. He bites down hard on his bottom lip and feels the sting of tears in his eyes. He is going to cry right here in front of this man. This man who two days ago was a complete stranger and now to whom he owes his life.

Monroe exhales, "I saw you in the chapel the other night and I had to tell you. As a physician, I don't have an explanation. Off the record? As a father and a husband? I can tell you that's called a miracle."


	16. Chapter 16

**Author's Note** : Thank you all so much for bearing with me while I rethought and retooled certain elements of this chapter. Something to keep in mind while reading is that while Elliot has told Olivia about the accident itself, he hasn't told her that he was there with her. I believe Elliot would feel some measure of guilt in connection with not telling her this sooner. Many thanks those of you who sent me the kindest and most helpful messages. You don't know how appreciated your willingness to share your own experiences has been. A special thank you to Anne Bensler for giving me the gentlest push forward. This is a reworking of my previous chapter 16. Thank you for your patience.

* * *

Elliot keeps his head down as he walks back through the hallway toward the exit. He watches the pools of light on the floor and the reflection of the weak sun on the glossy tile. There is the slightest pink dash of discoloration on the side of his white sneaker that the snow has yet to wash away. He knows what it is. Olivia's blood.  
He thinks it is fitting that he is going to walk out of the hospital with the tangible reminder of what brought them here in the first place. He knows his mind is moving too quickly and he has to slow his thoughts down.

Olivia. Olivia. Olivia.

She is waiting for him in the truck. He will bet all the money he has in his wallet that she has fallen asleep and he prays she will remain that way until he can get her home safely.  
He can't think about Dr. Monroe's words and he can't think about the hours of the drive that lie ahead of him. He can't think about reaching across the seat and holding her hand for endless minutes.  
He has to think about how deliberate he is going to be from the minute his foot touches the gas pedal. He knows that every mile is going to be a test of his will to keep his eyes on the road and not on Olivia. He thinks about his precious cargo in the passenger seat and about how quickly things can happen.

How fast things can change.

He surveys the parking lot one last time as the double doors slide open and his gaze snaps to the truck.  
Olivia is standing against the passenger side door.  
Elliot feels his heart skip a beat. He took too long inside. He thinks he left her alone for too many minutes and now she is having second thoughts about coming with him. He takes a shaky breath and jogs the remaining distance toward her

"What are you doing? You okay?" He asks her and he can't help the pure concern that he knows she can hear in his voice.  
Elliot looks at her. She is bundled in her parka, her hands are sunk deeply into her pockets, and she is leaning up against the passenger side door as if there is no where in the world she would rather be.

"I'm fine. I just needed some air," Olivia says. The air is so cold that he can see her breath mingling with his own.  
Elliot nods, "Okay." He understands. She has been cooped up for all these hours when he has been back and forth so many times. He breathes out as she breathes in and his anxiety fades momentarily.

"You want-  
"It's-"  
They both start to speak at once and then grin at each other like little kids. "You go first," Elliot tells her and Olivia shakes her head. "I was just going to say that it's pretty. The sky," she adds when he doesn't look.  
Elliot thinks the only sight worth seeing in this moment is the brunette standing less than a foot from him, but he looks around anyway. The clouds have drifted east and the sky is a few shades lighter than baby blue. "It is pretty," he replies.

"El," she says his name and he brings his attention back to her eyes. "I haven't hugged you," she says pushing herself away from the passenger side door and into his arms.

She is going to make him cry. He prays that she can't feel him losing his tenuous grip on control.

"Thank you for staying with me," she whispers and all at once Elliot wants to let her go. He wants to push her back against the truck and hold her away from himself.

He doesn't feel as though he has the right to hold her when he hasn't been able to tell her everything that he wants to.  
At this moment, Olivia has the facts, but she doesn't know the details. She doesn't know that he was there beside her and he isn't sure exactly how he is going to preface that fact with anything other than a desperate desire for her to know.

There is a caveat to this exchange of information, which is that he wants to get her home before they talk.

No matter how much time goes by, Elliot thinks that there will always be a part of himself that remembers how Olivia used to leave. She would leave, often without any warning, and she wouldn't come back for blank periods of time that still throb in his mind like a bruise.  
Olivia used to leave. This he knows.  
It is a part of their history and etched into their past. She would run from him and from what they were together - this strange, mutable thing that forever seemed to teeter on a precipice. He knows now that he is guilty of so much of their time apart because of things he did, or didn't say.

He wants to get her home before he tells her and he is sure that this makes him selfish, but he can't erase the thought of having her with him in Virginia.  
He thinks if he puts her in the truck and starts to drive, the further they get from New York, the possibility of Olivia's potential desire to run at his revelations will diminish. He is trying to lessen the chance that she will run and he knows he has to be careful while treading in this territory.

He is well aware that he shouldn't be playing God or manipulating circumstances, but he reasons that his options at this moment are limited. Dr. Monroe doesn't want her to be alone. Olivia doesn't want to go back to her apartment. Elliot wants to be with her. The snowy farm house in Virginia is the solution to all three of these conundrums.

Right now, he is wondering how long the past has to matter. That was their reality, but if the last year has taught him anything, it is that reality can change.

He has changed so much. He knows Olivia has, too. They have grown more together over the last three hundred odd days than they ever had in the stagnant squad room. He kept that promise he made to her more than a year ago and they have spoken every night. The sound of her voice on the phone, whether joyful, or teary, or tired has never failed to change his mood, his night, his life.

He has changed. He has worked so hard to become better for her, for his children, for himself. Elliot worries that she won't see the changes in the shadow cast by the things he has held back. He worries she will forget about their growth over the last year, the changes in the way they are with each other, and all the life they have yet to live.  
It is the smallest pinprick of hope that Olivia might acknowledge all they have worked to change and she might stay. She might stay and listen to what he has to say about the accident. More importantly, Olivia might listen to what he has to say about his feelings for her.

There is a tiny voice in the back of his mind, sounding suspiciously like his children, that is gently reminding him that he can't have things both ways. He has to trust Olivia as much as she is trusting him. By its very nature, honesty shouldn't come with a catch.

"Are you all right?" Olivia asks. He caves in toward her, pressing his lips to her forehead.

He feels her bring her left hand to the side of her jaw.  
"Have you seen this bruise?" She asks and he thinks her question must be rhetorical because he hasn't done anything except stare at her for the last few hours.

Elliot doesn't move. He just holds her tighter and pulls her closer, kissing her forehead. "It's awful," she says.  
It strikes him that Olivia feels smaller in his hands and he knows that she has lost weight that she didn't need to lose since that last time he held her this way.  
He swallows hard. "Don't thank me for this," he says, ignoring her. He feels her peek up at him and by the grace of God that he doesn't deserve, she accepts his words.  
"Okay," she whispers. "Then thanks for taking me home."

That does it. He tries and fails to swallow the sob that escapes him.

"El," Olivia takes a step backward, but leaves her hands pressed against his chest. "El, I'm okay," she assures him again and again. "I really am. I'm-" she stops and her fingers close around the fabric of his sweatshirt.  
"Wait. Did Dr. Monroe tell you something?" She asks urgently, her dark eyes search his face. Elliot forces himself to take a breath because he can feel the tension in her body.  
"No," he manages, grasping her waist. "No Liv, you're fine. You're more than fine."

He wants to tell that she is a miracle. That her beating heart, and her working lungs, and her shaking hands are defying explanation, but he can't. Not right now. She is looking at him with a mixture of caution and hope and he can't speak.

"Come on," she says, reaching for the door handle. He can see the exhaustive toll that the last few minutes have taken on her. She needs to sleep and that fact alone spurs him into action.

"You gonna let me lift you-?"  
"Not a chance, Stabler," Olivia cuts him off as his hand covers hers to pull open the heavy door.  
"How the hell did you get down by yourself?" He asks her, shaking his head. She looks at him and hoists herself back up the step into the truck.  
"I'm tougher than I look," she says.  
"Don't I know it," Elliot mutters in reply as he closes the door behind her.

* * *

He leans across the front seat and adjusts the air vents on the passenger side for the third time. He can't help the way his fingers keep straying to her left hip to feel for the fastened buckle of the seat belt.

All the while, Olivia sleeps on.

Bundled in her parka, she is curled away from him and toward the door so that most of her weight is borne onto her right side. Her head rests against the back of the seat and the right side of the car and he thinks that he hasn't driven this carefully since his children were infants. He is trying to avoid every bump in the road and make every transition a smooth one.

Elliot is checking his mirrors more than once each time he changes lanes and this moment is no exception. He hasn't spoken or turned on the radio the entire drive. The only sounds he hears are the occasional instructions from his GPS, the low hiss of the heater, and Olivia's soft breathing.

He is trying not to think too much or let his mind wander because he needs to be present. He knows how quickly he can become distracted by his thoughts. Elliot tries to keep his mind just a few feet ahead of the truck and not on the woman beside him.

He loves her. God, he does.

Elliot thinks he knows two things for certain. One, he has to tell her that he was with her at the scene of accident. Two, he has to tell her how he feels about her, how he has always felt.

He wonders if he has done the right thing. He wonders if holding back the information for all these hours has been right.  
He has his reasons, God knows he does, but he is afraid of not being able to explain things. He thinks about how patient Olivia has been with him as he has navigated these uncharted moments of his life over the last year. He prays that she will continue to extend him the same grace as he tries to reveal things that aren't easily explained.


	17. Chapter 17

**Author's Note:** Thank you all so much for your response to my revisions to my last chapter. I so appreciate your patience and feedback. Merry Christmas (if you celebrate) and Happy Holidays to everyone! Thank you so much!

* * *

The road, the road, the road. Elliot forces himself to focus.

He moves his neck and straightens up in the seat, stretching his back. He hears the telltale rustling of her heavy coat as Olivia stirs beside him. Before he can look over at her, he feels her palm press to his shoulder.  
"You okay?" She asks and the sound of her sweet sleepy voice makes him grip the steering wheel just a little bit tighter. He chances a glance to his right and nods in acknowledgement.

"We've got 'bout an hour," Elliot tells her, watching her out of the corner of his eye.  
"I was out that long?" She inquires, shifting in her seat and reaching up to open the mirror on the visor above her head. The truck rolls to a stop at a red light and he watches her survey herself. Olivia's face is devoid of any makeup. Her cheek, forehead, and temple are scratched, her lip split, her jaw bruised. There is a gash on her neck that he hasn't gotten to see yet, except for the hint of the red mark peeking out from beneath her collar.

Olivia makes a small sound of disapproval at the sight of her reflection and winces slightly when she tilts her head to examine the bruise around her jaw.

"You're beautiful," Elliot tells her. The words fall from his lips unbidden, but he thinks he has never meant them more than he does right now.  
Olivia gives him the slightest smile. "You have to tell me that," she replies and he shakes his head, negating her words as he brings his attention back to the road.  
"Not true," he mutters and he hears her still beside him.

Olivia leans back against the seat and turns to look at him. Elliot can feel her gaze on his face.  
"I'm worried about something," she says and he watches her fiddle with the sleeve of her parka.  
He takes a breath, "What are you worried about?"

"Promise me, you won't laugh?" She appeals and her words make his lips quirk upwards, but he quickly shifts his expression.  
"Promise," Elliot answers, nodding. He wants to grab her hand. He is anxious about what she has to say and he wants to touch her, to hold onto her.

"What if Heidi doesn't like me?" She asks the question quickly as if the thought has been bothering her for some time. Elliot can't help his amusement and he grins at her for a second. This is the very last thing he thought she would say. His dog and his - _Olivia._

"You said you wouldn't laugh," Olivia reminds him and he rubs his hand across his jaw.  
"I'm not laughing," he says, shaking his head.  
"I'm serious, El. I don't want to mess anything up and she's used to being the only woman in your life."

 _There it is. Thank you, God._

Elliot steals a glance across the truck because he can't believe what he has just heard. He has never longed for a tape recorder more in his life. If Olivia keeps this up, he thinks he is going to have to go back to therapy because she is shocking him with her words at every possible opportunity.

He can't stop himself. He starts to laugh. He knows that he doesn't deserve this, but she says the most welcome and unexpected things.  
"Why are you laughing?" Olivia chastises, but he can hear the lightness in her voice.

"You're funny. That's all," Elliot tells her, stealing another glance at her. The serious look on her face causes him to start laughing again and this time she joins in. He hears the change in her breathing above the sound of her giggles.  
"Stop making me laugh. It hurts!" she cries, pressing her hand to her bruised ribs. Her words are airy and her laughter continues, but her message stops his.

He swallows hard and reaches across the seat to where she willingly offers him her hand. "Heidi loves when the girls come. She'll love you."  
"But the girls are different. They're your daughters," Olivia reasons.

 _And you're everything else_ , he wants to reply.

But the words seem too heavy and she won't understand. Not yet.  
He rubs his thumb across her fingers once, twice.  
"Just don't worry, okay? I'm gonna get you settled and then go to pick her up."

Olivia seems to take his answer for what it is worth because she settles back against the seat, still holding onto his hand.  
"Will you tell me about the house, again?" She requests.  
She is peering out the window and he can see her reflection in the dying light of January first's early dusk. Elliot squeezes her fingers tenderly and brings his hand back to the steering wheel. Nightfall is difficult driving time on any given day.

"It was built in 1890," he starts, keeping his voice low. He knows Olivia has been fascinated by the history of the house since he first told her that he was going to buy it. Elliot remembers how she fell asleep on the phone with him one night soon after he signed his name on the property deed. She had uttered the same request and listened for more than half an hour as he told her about the different facets of the place.

"It sits on five acres and there's a lot of trees."

Olivia tilts her head to look at him and he can tell she is smiling. The house has changed him and talking about it soothes him. He loves this place with the space, and the air, and the room to breathe.

"The seasons are amazing here, Liv. Right now, everything's covered in snow, but in the spring there are flowers. I thought they were just wildflowers, but the girls know the actual names of all of them. These flowers just grow out in the fields. Sometimes overnight. It's like a different world, Liv," he says, "Real different from the city."

He is silently praying that the differences won't be so jarring that she won't allow herself time to get used to them. When he first arrived in Virginia, the silence had made him want to crawl out of his skin. He was used to constant movement and noise ringing in his ears every moment of every day.

Now, the quiet is the most welcome reprieve.

"The house stands at the end of a long driveway. You can't see it from the road because of the pine trees, but once you get onto the driveway they start to clear. The house is white and brick with navy shutters."

"Blue is a good color," Olivia says softly and Elliot nods. "I like blue," he tells her.  
"Me too," she agrees.  
He wants to joke that she likes blue because it's the color of his eyes, but this moment is so quiet and so soft that he can't bring himself to break the lull anymore than he has to in order to maintain the conversation.

"There's a porch in the front and a big deck in the back. There's a part of the deck that's covered so you can go out when it rains. There's a sun room off the back of the house, but I haven't gotten the chance to do anything with that yet."

Elliot hears Olivia's gentle laugh. "Who ever thought Elliot Stabler would have a sun room?"  
He grins and reaches over, brushing her knee with his hand. "Dunno, but the girls like to read out there in the summer. There's-"

"El," Olivia says his name and he stops speaking. He chances a glance at her and sees that her gaze is focused on the window. The sky is so dark that he can no longer see her reflection. She turns back to look at him. "The stars." That is all she has to say because he knows what she means.

It is darker out here. He makes a last turn with the wheel and pulls onto his long winding back road that leads to the house. There are three other farm houses along this stretch of road. One sits on four acres and the other on eight.

Technically, he doesn't have neighbors and for all the years of living in close proximity with everyone around him both in the city and in his neighborhood in Queens, he doesn't mind the space. The anonymity is part of the appeal. There isn't any light pollution for miles and the effect on the night sky is breathtaking.

Cody and Meg live twenty-five minutes away in their family home. Their place sits on two acres and the house has been handed down through eight generations of Meg's family. He will get Olivia settled and make his way over to their place to pick Heidi up and bring her back home.

Elliot reaches for Olivia's hand before he puts on his turn signal. He maneuvers the wheel with his left hand to turn into his long driveway and he holds onto her with his right. He prays that this is only the first of so many more moments during which he will get to show her what his life looks like - what her life could look like, too.

 _Their life._

Olivia stares at him. "Are we here?" She asks and the lilt in her voice reminds him of Eli.  
"Yeah," he answers, nodding. "You'll be able to see all of it tomorrow," Elliot says, loving those words and their implication that he doesn't have to give her up.

Olivia peers out the window, trying to see through the impenetrable darkness. Elliot can only make out the lights above the garage and on the front porch because he knows where to look.

They round the last curve of the driveway and he presses the automatic door opener and pulls the truck into the garage. He looks over at Olivia and watches as she fumbles for her seat belt before he presses his hand to her thigh.

"Will you wait for me to help you?" He asks. She stops moving and stares at him for a moment before she nods in agreement.

If he knows Olivia at all, her acquiescence has an expiration and he climbs down from the truck quickly. He makes his way around the back of the garage and rounds toward the passenger side. Olivia already has the door open by the time he gets there and he shakes his head as he moves closer to her. She lets him help her as she tentatively steps down onto the floor of the garage.

"You all right?" Elliot asks her, holding her against himself while she gets her bearings. Olivia looks up at him through her bangs and for a moment she seems surprised by how close they are. She takes a little breath and he can feel her exhale against his neck. He can't focus on the way she draws her broken lip into her mouth. He watches the slightest breeze swirl snowflakes above her head, so that he doesn't see the way her eyes give him permission.

He wants to kiss her. Right now. He has her home. In his house. They are miles and miles away from anyone else in the world. He wants to kiss her right there and for a fleeting moment he thinks that she might let him, but he won't let himself.  
Not yet.  
Elliot exhales, pressing his lips to her forehead and kissing her there. _I love you._ Twice. _I love you._ Three times. _Please don't ever leave._

"Let's get you inside," he says, keeping his voice low and he tells himself to ignore the unmistakable emotion that he just saw pass through Olivia's dark eyes.

 _Disappointment.  
_  
Elliot takes a split second to wonder if she really doesn't know. If she doesn't have a clue how he feels about her then he thinks he has failed her in so many ways.

Olivia stops and tugs on his hand. "I have to get my bag," she says, reminding him.  
"You go in," Elliot says, motioning toward the door, "I'll grab the stuff."  
He moves around her and makes his way back toward the truck. He opens the back door and leans against the seat for a full minute, listening to the sound of the door open and close lightly as Olivia takes her first steps inside his home. Elliot stares down at the unmovable concrete beneath his feet and prays for the same stability.

He tries to take a deep breath, but fails miserably. He reaches forward into the back seat and grabs both of the bags.

"El."

He wrenches his neck from turning too fast to look at her. He winces and brings his hand to rub the sore muscles at the back of his neck.  
"Sorry," Olivia says, sheepishly. "I didn't mean to scare you."

Elliot shakes his head slightly, drawing a breath as he leans into the back seat to grab Eli's snack cooler and then closes the door of the truck with his elbow. He hadn't heard her come back outside and that fact alone is discordant enough to momentarily make him lose his train of thought.

"Let me help, please?" Olivia entreats, reaching for her bag. He gives in and lets her take it from him. Elliot closes the garage door behind them as they move into the house.  
He knows that Olivia hasn't stepped too far inside on her first trip in because the house is still dark, aside from the small mudroom where they now stand.

Elliot watches Olivia closely and he feels the corners of his mouth lift as she surveys the room. In his previous life, he thinks that he would be worried about the mess, the clutter, the proof that life is lived in this home. Now, he couldn't care less.

His only concern is getting Eli's scattered snow gear off of the floor, so that it isn't in Olivia's way. He watches her take in Eli's little boots and the bright green scarf that is spilling out from the storage bench to their right. She looks up at him and smiles in a way that sends him reeling faster than if he had tripped on the threadbare rug beneath their feet.

He slips off his sneakers and Olivia lowers her bag down on the bench behind her.  
"You wanna sit-?" Almost comes out of his mouth, but she is clinging to his arms as she slips out of her boots and her touch halts every rational thought he has.  
Elliot moves forward toward the kitchen, pausing to toss his duffel bag and the cooler into the laundry room. He turns on a light or two as he goes.

He knows Olivia is just behind him and when he gets to the kitchen, he turns and crosses his arms as he leans against the island counter.  
Elliot watches as she takes everything in. He grins to himself for a moment because she _fits._ Olivia fits in here. She fits in the kitchen, _his_ kitchen. She looks like she belongs here because she does.

"This is amazing," she says, surveying what she can see of his home. If he could take his eyes off of her, Elliot knows that he would see the house through Olivia's eyes, viewing it for the very first time.

The kitchen cabinets are entirely white with hardwood floors and stainless steel appliances. The counter top is a dark granite and it matches the island counter that he leans against now.  
In the morning, the sun comes in from the east and the room is filled with the softest light.

Elliot wonders if Olivia sees the clean dishes resting on the draining board, the empty package of fruit snacks on the counter, or the water bottle that Kathleen forgot to put away. He wonders if she sees the little things that seemingly slip through the cracks, but are the very things that make this a home.

"You hungry?" Elliot asks her and Olivia tilts her head as if she is considering his question with the utmost care. "I think so," she replies and he grins at her. "Let's get you settled and I'll make us something to eat," Elliot says, motioning toward the living room. He turns on a lamp and catches Olivia's hand in his own. He squeezes her fingers gently.

"Make yourself at home," he says, nodding toward the furniture. Olivia sets her bag onto the floor before she sits down and sinks back into the soft leather of the couch. He hears the sigh of laughter that escapes from her.  
"This is nice, El. I think I'll sleep here," she says, tilting her head back and closing her eyes as if to illustrate her point.

He watches her. He watches the way her graceful hands lay against her lap, the way most of her hair has fallen out of her earlier ponytail and now the dark strands cascade down her neck. He tries not to watch the way her breathing is evening out, the gentle rise and fall of her chest. He is trying, he is trying...

He has to move and so he reaches for her bag that rests on the floor. He slings it over his shoulder and just before he goes to start toward the stairs, Olivia's eyes flutter open. "I gonna go put clean sheets on the bed in the girls room for you," he explains.

Olivia sits up as straight as she can and Elliot can tell that despite all her hours of sleep in the car that she is exhausted.  
"You don't have to do that," she protests, "I can sleep-" He cuts her off then as he leans down and kisses the top of her head.

"You're not going to listen to me, are you?" Olivia asks and Elliot shakes his head in reply, giving her the slightest smile. "No, 'cause you don't listen to me."  
Olivia sinks back against the couch and tries to look exasperated, but her parka almost swallows her and the effect is comedic.  
Elliot struggles not to laugh as she shrugs up at him from beneath the bulk of her coat.

"Please give me something to do. Let me help unpack," Olivia suggests, sitting up again and starting to slip off her coat.  
He shakes his head, "There's nothing to do. I'm taking your bag up with me. You can unpack when you come upstairs."

"What am I supposed to do while you're changing the sheets?" She asks.

"Just sit there and look good," he tells her, turning on the light in the foyer and making his way up the stairs before she can say another word. He hears Olivia's soft laughter and the sound makes him smile.

The house has four bedrooms. The master bedroom, Eli's room, the girls' room, and an extra room that doesn't hold anything except Eli's brand new race car track that is too large to fit on his bedroom floor.  
Elliot turns on the small lamp in the girls' room and places Olivia's bag down on the chair that sits in front of the desk. He gives himself a minute.  
He sits down on the bed and rests his hands on his knees. He forces himself to take a deep breath and lets the air settle into his lungs before he expels it.

He can do this. _They_ can do this.

Olivia is here. In his space. She isn't running. She doesn't seem apprehensive. She is comfortable. Here. With him. He can't fully relax just yet. He still has to talk to her.

If he gets a moment tonight, he thinks he will sit down and tell her everything. He has to tell her about the accident and about every moment since. He has to tell her that he loves her, that his world stops spinning without her. He has to tell her all of this and he will. If not tonight then tomorrow. It isn't the end of the world, Elliot reasons. Tomorrow will come and they will both be rested and fed and he thinks his words might make more sense in the morning.

He tries to ignore the way his hands are trembling just the slightest bit against his denim-clad thighs. He tries to forget the way Olivia looks on his couch, in his kitchen, all mussed hair and doe eyes and he thinks he knows now that this is how she would look in his bed.

Elliot stands abruptly and shakes his head, as if the motion will help to clear his thoughts.

He reaches for the pillows. Kathleen sleeps with several of them and he doesn't know how many Olivia wants, so he thinks he will just replace all the pillow cases. He tosses them to the floor and reaches forward, pulling the comforter and blanket back to reveal the sheets. He folds the blankets and throws them on top of the pillows before he leans forward and pulls both the fitted and the regular sheets off the twin bed. He bundles them into a ball and carries them out into the hallway. He turns on the light and opens the door to the linen closet to grab the new sheets.

 _"Elliot."  
_  
The sound of Olivia's voice makes him drop the bundle of sheets onto the floor. He steps over them as he makes his way to the top of the stairs. Something is wrong. _"Liv."_  
Elliot takes the stairs two at a time and he is in the living room an instant later. He sees Olivia's coat spread out on the couch and he makes his way into the kitchen. "Liv, are you all right?"

His heart is beating uncomfortably fast as he rounds the corner and he freezes where he stands. The contents of his duffel bag are on the floor beside the washer. Olivia is standing in the doorway to the laundry room and in her hands she holds - _No._

 _No. No. No.  
_

"Liv-" He is surprised that he can speak at all. Olivia holds his bloodstained coat in her arms. She hasn't looked up at him and every second that he can't read her eyes makes him feel like he is drowning.

"Olivia," he tries again.

He wants to move closer to her, but his legs feel like they are in quicksand. The ground beneath his feet is just as unsteady and he knows that the only thing that will anchor him right now is her gaze.  
He just has to get her to look at him.  
Elliot feels his hands start to shake and he knows his voice will quake if he can find the breath to speak again.

Olivia looks up suddenly. "I was trying to help," she says, "I wanted to unpack your bag for you." He can tell by the sound of her voice that she doesn't understand what is occurring around her, but it will only take her brilliant mind seconds to figure it out. She looks back at him and her eyes are full of a shuddering tempest. "What happened?"

Elliot watches as she begins to tremble. He can see it in the way her hands try to grip the fabric of his coat.  
"Liv," he manages as he somehow finds the strength to step toward her.

Olivia holds up her hand in protest and he sees her sway slightly on her feet. "Elliot, don't. Please don't touch me right now," she requests.  
He nods, _anything, anything._ He will do _anything_ she wants...

"Will you just sit down for me?" He implores her. He knows he has no right to ask a single thing of her, but he has to at least get her off her feet. He motions toward a stool against the wall.  
It is the stool Eli uses when he wants to help to load the washer. By some amount of grace, Olivia sinks down onto it and clutches his coat on her lap.

"Tell me what happened," she breathes and Elliot tastes copper as he realizes he has been biting down so hard on his lip that he has drawn blood.  
He has to stand still for fuck's sake.  
He debates kneeling in front of her so he can be at her eye-level, but dismisses the thought as soon as he feels her gaze on his face. He clenches his hands into fists in an effort to stop his incessant shaking.

He tries to breathe, but his chest feels like it is in a vice. Elliot looks down at the floor for an instant and closes his eyes. This moment is awful in its own right, but it doesn't rival what they lived through two nights ago. He tries to swallow and draws on that thought for strength.

His mind whirls as he tries to remember the insubstantial wisps of words he had planned to say, if given the chance. He had wanted to do this so differently, smoothly, easily, gently. This is hard, and garish, and real.

"I was gonna-" he starts and swallows hard, fighting to clear his parched throat. He wants to say _I was gonna tell you_ \- _no.  
No._  
He can't start out with an excuse. There isn't an allowance for his behavior and as a man who loves her, he owes her so much more than that. He owes her his unequivocal honesty. The truth. Plain and simple. Easy and sincere.

"I was driving the kids home two nights ago. We were almost to Kathy's place in Glen Cove. There was this bend in the road and there was a car that skidded across into my lane. I got out to see if I could help them and the woman inside told me there had been another car that she almost hit. The other car swerved to miss her, hit a patch of black ice, and went off the road and down the hill."

Elliot is shaking so badly that he is surprised that his teeth aren't chattering. He can't restrain his quaking, but he still has control over his voice. Now that he has begun speaking, he can't allow himself to stop.

Olivia sits on the stool against the wall and Elliot braces for the deluge of emotions he thinks he will see in her eyes over the next few minutes. He wonders if she remembers, if she was there with him at all.  
"I grabbed a flashlight and I made my way down the hill toward the car. The left side of the car was smashed in against a tree and I couldn't get in the right side. I broke the back window and climbed in."

Elliot lets himself move to lean against the counter because he isn't sure he can relay this next part and continue to remain standing on his own. He isn't prepared for the sob that tears through his chest or the echo of it that he hears across the kitchen.

She _knows._

He realizes that this is the moment she understands that this story isn't his; it is theirs.

He looks up at her and Olivia is gazing at him, her tears falling fast onto the fabric of his coat. His eyes sting with the burn of his own tears, but he keeps talking. He has to keep speaking. He has to get everything out right now. "I climbed inside and I saw - I saw it was you and I-"

 _The dark, the cold, her blood soaking her gray sweater, his fingertips frantic for her pulse..._

"I unbuckled your seat belt and I pulled you to me and I held you. I checked your pulse and I begged you-" Elliot's feels his voice break and his tears fall. It takes him more than a few seconds to regain control. "I pleaded with you not to die."

He looks at her for proof that it really is all just a memory. He needs to know that she is safe and she is here and she is sitting some ten feet away. Olivia's sob is not so silent and he wordlessly thanks God because that agonizing sound means she is still breathing.

Elliot closes his eyes for a moment and tries to remember what happened next. Everything is a blur.

"Everybody came then. EMS and the cops and the firemen. They got you out and took you in the ambulance. I got up to the road again and Leen-" Elliot stops to breathe and Olivia gasps in understanding that his precious daughter was present for all of this, too.

"Leen talked to an EMS worker and she found out where they took you. She drove me to the hospital."

Everything comes back at once. _The glaring lights, the confusion of running through the hallways, the voices of the nurses. Trying to get through the restricted access door and then following the cops and EMS workers. Listening to them talk and hearing those words that brought one of his worst nightmares to fruition.  
Hitting the hard floor, dizzy, dying, dying.  
Dickie's concerned voice, Maureen's tear-streaked face, Don's gentle aid, Dr. Monroe's ability to undue unspeakable horrors and rebuild lives..._

Elliot reaches for the cold granite of the counter top. He has to tell her. He has to. She has to know the truth. She has to know why he will be relentlessly protective of her for every moment of the rest of their lives.

He has to tell her, but it's too much all at once and he knows that he can't remain standing for much longer.

He lowers himself onto his knees and kneels on the throw rug eight feet from Olivia. It seems only fitting that he was on his knees when he thought his world had ended and here as it begins while she sits before him.

"El," Olivia whispers his name on a hushed sob and he looks up at her. "Tell me," she beseeches him, "Tell me what happened."

Elliot memorizes her beautiful face, her dark eyes, the streaks of her tears. He can't take this moment back. "They lost you, Liv," he whispers on a ragged hush. "In the ambulance. Your heart- your heart stopped."

Olivia makes the smallest noise of agony and she leans forward, wrapping her arms around herself. He has never wanted to hold her more in his entire life.

"You knew, didn't you?" She chokes out, searching his face. He nods, sending more tears down his own cheeks. He doesn't understand how she is aware, but there have always been elements of their relationship that have been inexplicable. He owes her this. All of this.

"I was trying to get to you and there were some EMS guys in front of me in the hallway and I- I overheard them and I-" He looks at her and wordlessly shakes his head as another sob sears through him. "I didn't want to keep going." He rubs his hand over his face at the memory.  
"I didn't want to live," His voice breaks on the word that so often fills in as her name, "Without you."

Olivia crying is loud in the empty kitchen, while his is soft. Elliot wants nothing more than to touch her.  
He wants to move closer to where she sits, to touch her hand, her knee - any part of her just to have something to hold onto. He stays right where he is, now seated on the floor, leaning against the dishwasher. He lets her cry because he has used up every last ounce of his strength.

He loves her. He loves her so.

Elliot presses the heels of his palms against his eyes and listens for long moments to his own tears and Olivia's sobs. He is numb, he is aching, but she is here and he is grateful.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Olivia whispers and her breath hitches on the words.

"Put yourself in my shoes for one minute, Liv," Elliot requests, attempting to appeal to her rational side. "I wanted to protect you," he tells her, his voice low. He sits up and moves to his knees once more. Elliot watches her beautiful face until she meets his gaze. All pretense is gone. All their walls have crumbled down and there isn't anything left except...

"I love you. Do you know that?"


	18. Chapter 18

**Author's Note:** Thank you all so much for your feedback and for taking the time to read. I can't believe how many of you tell me that you've read this in one sitting. You are all amazing and I will be sure to reply to all of you as soon as I possibly can. Have a safe and Happy New Year!  
Thank you so much and we will pick up right where we left off...

* * *

Olivia presses her hand to her mouth as if it might suppress the sob that follows.  
He doesn't need an answer, doesn't wait for her to reply. He has just said the only words that have ever mattered. He has told her. As long as she knows. Just as long as she knows...

There is a sudden ringing sound that reverberates through the kitchen and for the life of him, Elliot can't figure out what it is. Olivia jumps at the noise and he sees the way her shoulders shudder.  
He can't take his eyes off of her.  
She looks over at him, trying to take a breath. "It might be one of the kids, El," she whispers haltingly and all at once he understands.

The phone.

Elliot grasps the counter top and pulls himself to his feet. He reaches across the surface for his cell phone, but it's not ringing.  
The landline.  
Too late. The answering machine picks up.  
"Hey Elliot, it's Cody. Just calling to see if you and Olivia got back all right. Let me know if you want me to bring Heidi back or if you still want to drive over this way. We'll be home all night. Thanks."

Heidi. He has to go and get her. Elliot grips the edge of the counter so tightly that his knuckles turn white.

One step at a time.

He takes a breath and turns to look at Olivia. Without knowing how, her understands what has to happen within the next few seconds. Elliot thinks he has a task to complete and he knows that the best thing for him to do right now is to leave Olivia alone. He thinks he needs to give her time to decompress, to process. He thinks that he might need time, too.

A moment to himself.

As much as leaving her causes him physical pain, he knows with certainty that he doesn't have a choice in this moment. He doesn't want to crowd her or smother her. He knows that over the last ten minutes, he has just handed her more revelations than the average person will have to sift through in their entire lifetime.

"Liv," Elliot says her name quietly and he tries to fight the unsteadiness that he hears in his own voice. "I'm gonna- I'm gonna go get Heidi, okay? Will you be all right here? By yourself?"

He knows that Olivia will never provide him with any answer other than _yes,_ but he has to ask. He wants nothing more than to hug her, but he holds himself against the island counter.  
"I'll be back in an hour, " Elliot explains, slowly. "You call me if you need me?"

Olivia's gaze is fixed on the floor a few feet in front of her. She doesn't look up, but she gives him the slightest nod. He knows he has to take that as her answer and go. Elliot pushes himself away from the counter, grabbing his phone and keys from the surface. He wants to say something, _anything_ to make this right, but he can't find any words that make sense.

"Liv?" He stops mid-step. "Will you let me help you upstairs?"  
Olivia shakes her head at the floor. "No," she whispers, "I'll be okay."

He knows that she will too, but it doesn't stop the way he has to clench his fists to keep himself from reaching for her. _Go,_ he thinks. He just has to go even though it is contrary to the desire of every fiber of his being.

He has to give her space.

He laces his sneakers before forcing himself out the door and into the garage. He is in the truck an instant later, opening the garage door and backing out before he can change his mind. Elliot knows this is what he has to do. He tells himself that he is doing the right thing, but tearing himself away from her at this moment is one of the hardest things has ever experienced.

He doesn't want to leave her. At all. But he has to give her time. He isn't sure he can trust himself to stay right now. He doesn't know what he'll say if he continues to stand in front of her. He just knows that he has to give her time.

He doesn't want to assume he understands the jumble of thoughts that must be rushing through her mind right now. He wants to talk to her, to sit with her, to- the sound of his cell phone chime jerks him back to the present moment.  
Elliot glances down at his phone for an instant, before pulling over to the side of the road. It's Maureen and he swipes his thumb across the screen to read his daughter's message.  
 **Hi Dad** , he reads. **Just checking in. Let me know you got home safe and I'll keep everybody else posted. Love.  
**

He types back a reply with unsteady fingers. **Hi hon. All fine here. Call you tomorrow. Love you.  
** Elliot also types out a quick message to Cody, letting him know that he is on the way, before setting the phone into the passenger seat.

He checks his mirrors out of habit even though he knows that he is the only person on the road tonight. He watches the snowflakes that fall illuminated by the truck's headlights and replays the last hour in his mind.  
For right now, Elliot isn't kicking himself for the words that have come out of his mouth thus far and he wants to try to keep it that way for as long as he can. He had wanted to do this so differently, but it doesn't matter now. He has to believe that he has done the right thing. He has to believe they will be all right.

He pulls the truck into Cody's driveway and checks the digital clock on his dashboard. 7:37pm. God, it feels like midnight. He had been worried about ringing the doorbell for fear that they might have put the boys to bed already, but it's still fairly early. As soon as Elliot closes the door to the truck, the sound of a dog's barking reaches his ears. Heidi. He shakes his head and feels more than a prickle of emotion in his eyes. This dog.

He makes his way toward the front of the house and before he can ring the bell, Cody's silhouette appears. Elliot can hear the twins excited little voices inside. Cody opens the door and Elliot barely has a chance to get a glimpse of the entryway before Heidi bolts toward him.

"Hi baby," Elliot says. His vision blurs as he crouches down to hug her. Heidi's tail is wagging so fast that it is hard to see. After she licks every part of Elliot that she can reach, she retreats to where the boys stand as if wanting him to greet her friends, too.  
Elliot looks up into Carson and Danny's little faces before pulling them both into a hug. The boys aren't identical, but they look enough alike that they are easily mixed up by someone unfamiliar with them. Carson's hair is a sandy brown, while Danny's is a few shades darker. Danny stands an inch taller than his brother, but they share the same smattering of freckles across their cheeks.

"Hi guys! Thanks for helping me and Heidi."

At four, the boys remind him so much of his youngest son that having them in his arms momentarily makes his chest ache.  
"Mr. S, is Eli here?" Danny asks, holding Elliot's hand and hopping excitedly on one foot. Elliot laughs as Heidi wedges her way into their group hug.  
He has asked Meg and Cody to let the boys call him by his first name, but they flatly refuse and he respects their parenting style. He has always taught his children the same thing.

"No, buddy. Eli is in New York with his Mommy," Elliot explains. "He misses you guys, but you'll see him again soon."  
The boys nod excitedly to each other and then dash off into the kitchen to find their mother and report about Eli's whereabouts. Elliot watches them run.  
Meg and Cody adopted the boys when they were only three hours old and no one would ever know that the family isn't connected to each other by anything other than love.

Elliot straightens up to stand and Heidi sits as close as possible to his foot without sitting on him. He looks over to where Cody sits on the stairs.  
"Is Olivia all right?" Cody asks.  
Elliot nods, "Yeah."

Cody gives a huff of laughter and Elliot shakes his head. "What?" He asks.  
"I was gonna ask you how you are, but you look like hell, so I figure I'll wait," Cody says and it is Elliot's turn to grin.  
"You know you're not the first person to tell me that over the last two days."

Cody laughs again and nods, "I'll bet."  
Meg appears from the kitchen and makes her way toward them.

"Hey," Meg greets him as she reaches up to hug him close. At five foot four, she is shorter than Olivia and she has to stand on tiptoe to hug both Elliot and her husband. Meg is petite and slender with fiery auburn curls that fly every which way.

She pulls back from him and moves to lean against the banister. Elliot can feel her surveying him with her gentle hazel gaze.  
"I'm late to the conversation," she says, "How are you? How's Olivia?"

Elliot watches as Cody tugs on Meg's hand and answers for him. "They're doing fine. I was just telling Elliot that he looks like hell."  
He grins at the look Meg gives her husband before she returns her gaze to him.  
"You look like you could use some rest," she tells him gently and Elliot nods in acknowledgement.

"Let's get you back home before you fall asleep on your feet," Meg says, walking backward toward the kitchen. She stops and directs her husband. "Babe, will you grab that bag right beside the couch? It has all Heidi's things," she explains, checking items off on her fingers. "Her bowls and her blanket. She's been sleeping in the boys room on that giant Star Wars pillow they got for Christmas. They've had so much fun with her...Carson, Danny, come say goodbye to Mr. Stabler!"

Elliot takes the plastic grocery bag from Cody and envelops two squirming kids in his arms. He crouches down onto the twins level once more.  
"Thank you guys for looking after Heidi. She had a great time with you."  
He watches as Carson's little eyes fill with tears, but he tries to hide them against his father's sweat pant clad leg.  
"Cars, it's all right, pal. You'll see Heidi again real soon," Cody says, gently ruffling his son's hair. Elliot feels his own eyes prickling with emotion and and knows he is precariously close to crying himself.

"Carson, buddy," Elliot says, "You can come over and see Heidi any time you want to. She loves you guys." His dog licks the tears from Carson's cheek as if she understands word for word what he has just said. The boys nod in solemn understanding and reach their arms around Heidi once more. Danny moves over and gives his brother a hug, consoling him sweetly until they both become distracted by their Lego set spread out on the floor in the living room.

Meg comes back out of the kitchen clutching a large brown paper bag, which she thrusts into Elliot's hand. "Spaghetti and meatballs," she explains, handing Cody his coat and slipping into her own. "So you don't have to worry about cooking. Just throw them in the fridge and pull them out tomorrow or whenever you need to."

"Meg," Elliot shakes his head, surprised that he can speak at all considering how tight his throat feels. "I can't-"

Cody opens the door and motions Elliot to step out onto the porch. "I'd take those and run, Elliot. My wife is a damn good cook."  
Meg follows them outside, holding up her hands. "I'm cooking to take food to my brother's tomorrow. I just made some extra for you and Olivia. I didn't do anything crazy."

The three of them watch as Heidi dives into the snow in the front yard and sniffs around.

Over the last few months, Meg and Cody have become dear friends with their dependability and their kindness. Elliot knows how lucky he is to have found such good people. After Elliot had finished working with Cody through therapy, the veteran had invited him to a marathon race benefiting wounded soldiers. Elliot had accepted the invitation and ended up spending the day with their family. It wasn't long before he was being invited for rounds of golf, and football games, and birthday parties for the boys.  
Elliot thinks that initially the invitations were a ploy to help him to get out of the house, but he quickly fell for spending time with the entire family.

He has introduced Meg and Cody to his own children. Elizabeth clicked with Meg immediately and Eli has become fast friends with Carson and Danny. The youngest trio spends hours playing together when Eli is in Virginia. Elliot left work early one day in October to pick a feverish Danny up from school when Cody had been away at a conference and Meg was held up getting work done on her car. They all help each other as often as they can.

Cody breaks the silence that sits between them. "Elliot, I spoke with the guys at work yesterday and I told them about what happened with Olivia. They said to let you know you can have the rest of the week, if you need it."

Elliot worries his lip for a moment and thinks as he thinks about Cody's words.  
"I'm not sure," he admits and the words taste strange in his mouth. He has been steadily building his surety in himself and the last few days have unsettled that foundation.  
"I think the best thing for me right now might be to go back to work," Elliot says, carefully.  
Cody nods in understanding. "I'm sure you just want to get back to normal."  
Elliot can feel Meg's concerned gaze on his face. "Normal changes though, doesn't it?" She asks, rhetorically. Elliot swallows against the tightness in his throat.

He surveys them both. Meg and Cody have listened to him speak about Olivia time and time again. She is part of so many of his stories and they have always listened with so much interest and care. Meg touches his arm.  
"You'll better bring your girl around soon," she says and then she smiles as she watches Heidi. "Well, both of your girls. But we're already acquainted with this one," she says, motioning toward a pile of snow where his dog is rolling around.

Elliot turns back to look at the couple before him.  
"I don't have any way to thank you for all this," he says, gruffly. Meg shakes her head and Cody speaks up, "That should be the least of your worries. Get back to Olivia."

Heidi comes to lean against Elliot's leg as Meg reaches up to give him a hug and then kneels down to kiss Heidi's soft fur. When she stands up, Elliot can see the same emotion her son wore minutes earlier reflected in her eyes. Elliot hugs her again. "You can come see Heidi anytime, too," he tells her with a smile. Meg laughs softly and leans up against Cody as she wipes her cheeks with her fingertips.

"Heidi is always welcome here. Anytime. Day or night. She's got a standing invitation," Cody says with a gentle laugh. He scratches Heidi behind her ears before he shakes Elliot's hand one last time.  
"You'll let us know if you need anything," he says and Elliot nods, tossing the sentiment back at them.

"Be careful traveling tomorrow."

"Tell Olivia we said hello!" Meg calls as Elliot starts for the truck with Heidi close behind. He waves his hand in acknowledgement. He thinks Olivia will like Meg and Cody just as much as he does.  
Heidi waits patiently for him to open the driver's side door and give her a lift up. His dog makes her way across the front seat of the truck and after sniffing around furiously, settles herself onto the passenger side.

Elliot climbs in beside her and starts the engine. Heidi is looking at him anxiously, as if to ask him where he has been and he thinks she will probably be clingier than usual with him for the next few days. He doesn't mind. Heidi is practically his shadow on any given day. Elliot leans over and presses a kiss to her head.

"Hi baby," he says, maneuvering the truck back down the driveway and out onto the road.

Elliot takes a deep breath and glances over at her. His dog loves riding in the truck. He has never had a dog before so he has nothing to compare her to, but Heidi sits up straight in the passenger seat and stares directly out the front window, as if she is his co-pilot. She amuses him to no end and softens the exhaustion and nervous energy that he feels. Elliot buries his hand into her fur and worries his lip for a moment. He shakes his head and laughs quietly to himself for a moment before he opens his mouth to speak.

He has to talk to her. Heidi. He has to tell her that Olivia is here and their routine is going to change a little.  
Years ago, he would have thought the idea was ludicrous, but this dog has been with him through thick and thin over the last year. He owes her this information, whether she understands or not. Elliot is inclined to think she does and so he begins.

"Heidi, listen hon." His dog doesn't take her eyes off the road, but he sees her ears move and Elliot takes that as a sign that she is ready for his explanation. "I'm sorry I left you alone so long, babe," Elliot rests his head back against the seat.  
"Liv is here. She's at home, Hei. And she's- well, you'll see. Don't worry 'cause she's gonna love you." Heidi moves closer to him and sniffs his sweatshirt. He thinks she can probably smell Olivia. He buries his hand into Heidi's fur and tries to keep his voice as steady as possible.

"I told her, Hei," Elliot whispers and he thinks that he is only able to make this confession to this dog who loves him unconditionally and is wholly non-judgmental. He has to keep talking because he thinks this is good practice for talking to Olivia.  
"I told her I love her," he continues quietly, "And a lot of other things." Elliot flinches at the hour-old memory.

He drops his hand onto the steering wheel. He can't allow himself to go down that path of analyzing the past. He knows where it leads and he doesn't want to be there. Over the years, his imagination has conjured thousands of different scenarios leading up to him telling her how he feels about her. Not one of those imaginings began or ended the way tonight had, but he thinks it is fitting because together they have always been unexpected.

At the moment, he is trying for some faith. He prays for the strength to be able to take whatever Olivia presents to him. He pulls the truck into the driveway and Heidi's tail immediately starts to wag when she sees the house. In the garage, he lifts her out of the truck and Heidi dashes out to the yard, running in circles across the space she calls her own.  
Moments later, she appears at his side and follows him inside the house. Elliot takes a breath as he clutches the door handle, uncertain of what is to come.

The first thing Elliot notices is the darkness. Olivia must have turned out the lights they had on earlier. The kitchen light still glows and Elliot feels his hands start to shake as he rounds the corner toward the laundry room. He is certain he won't find her in the same place that he left her, but he has to make sure. He turns the lights on as he moves through the house.

The darkness hides things and he wants to see.

His open duffel bag sits atop Eli's stool in the laundry room. His stained coat lays on top of the washer. Elliot reaches for it and crumples it into a ball. He rummages in one of the cabinets and pulls out a garbage bag and shoves the coat inside. He moves back out to the garage and tosses the bag containing the coat over toward where his garbage cans stand.

Heidi trails him every step of the way. Elliot makes his way back into the kitchen to turn off the lights. Before he does, he sees a bottle of Advil sitting on the counter. He clutches the bottle in his hands for a moment before taking two of the little pills. Olivia is one step ahead of him, already warding off the headache he is certain will be to come.

Elliot turns off the lights, leaving the kitchen in shadows as he moves toward the living room. He sees that Olivia's coat is missing from where it laid open on the couch a little more than an hour ago and he is sure that means she has taken it upstairs with her.  
He extinguishes the rest of the lights and reaches the steps. Heidi leans against his leg and Elliot thinks it is curious that she isn't moving throughout the house by herself. It is almost as if she knows that something is markedly different. Heidi is perceptive as all get out and Elliot won't put it past her to understand everything in her own way.

He doesn't hear any noise coming from upstairs and he hopes that means that Olivia is sound asleep. He presses his hand into the wood of the banister and finds Heidi's large eyes in the dark. She is waiting for his next move and he thinks that if he doesn't go now, he will spend the rest of the night standing here, literally poised to take the next step.

"C'mon," he whispers and Heidi matches him step for step up to the second floor. Eli's nightlight glows in the hallway and Elliot moves toward the girls room as quietly as he can. Heidi moves ahead of him and ventures inside first. The room is dark, but in the light reflected off the snow outside, Elliot can tell that Olivia isn't here.

He feels his heart start to pound as he reaches for the bedside table to turn on the lamp. The room is exactly as he left it. The sheets are torn from the bed, the blankets lay on the floor. Her bag is missing from the chair beside the desk.

"Liv," he rasps her name as if she can hear him.  
He has to calm down. He can't let himself lose it. He moves back into the hallway and Heidi lags behind. He can hear her sniffling along the floor. He doesn't stop to pick up the discarded pile of sheets he dropped earlier as he makes his way toward the other bedrooms. Eli's bunk beds are empty and the floor is still strewn with his toys.  
Heidi is in front of him now and she has to push the master bedroom door open slightly with her nose. Elliot watches her stop walking and turn back to look at him. He swallows hard and follows her inside.

Olivia.

Elliot feels himself starting to breath again. She's here. She's safe. She's asleep in his bed.

The bedside lamp is on and it casts its gentle light through the room. Heidi moves slowly as if she understands the magnitude of this moment and Elliot mimics her, moving toward the bed. Olivia is curled up onto her right side, on his side of the bed. Her right hand rests beneath his pillow and her left is hidden beneath the pile of blankets. Elliot can see that her hair is damp and he swallows hard because he can smell her coconut shampoo from where he stands. He doesn't think he will ever wash that pillowcase again. Then again, he isn't sure he will ever be able to sleep again, either.

He doesn't reach for her, but he wants to. He contents himself with brushing his hand ever so lightly over her blanket covered shoulder.  
"Thanks Liv," he whispers, "Glad you're here."


	19. Chapter 19

**Author's Note:** Happy New Year! I know I sound like a broken record, but thank you for your continued interest and support. So we continue...

* * *

The sunlight streams through the curtains as Elliot rolls onto his back. He rubs his eyes and stares up at the ceiling.  
The light is much brighter in the room than usual and he tilts his head to the right to look for the clock. His gaze meets the wall. The clock is- _where the hell is the clock?_

He pushes himself up into a sitting position and takes in the room around him. He is in the girls' bedroom.  
He remembers now.  
He had showered, dressed, and stumbled into his daughters' room to fall asleep. He hadn't bothered to make the bed, so the comforter and blankets rest haphazardly around his waist and the pile of pillows lays on the floor. He slept in here because of Olivia.

Because Olivia was in his bed.

Elliot rubs his hand across his face and swings his legs over the side of the bed to settle his feet on the floor. He takes a breath and lets the air settle into his lungs. He glances over at the digital clock on the bedside table. 10:37 am.  
He stands too quickly and immediately has to sit back down. He takes another breath before standing gingerly, once more.

10:38am.

Elliot can't remember the last time he slept so late and the situation would almost be laughable if he wasn't so keen to check on Olivia. Heidi isn't in the room with him and he wonders where she is.

He makes his way through the hall and peers into his bedroom. Olivia isn't there, but his side of the bed is rumpled and the covers are out of place. He wonders how long she has been awake. Elliot grabs a pair of sweatpants from his dresser and throws a t-shirt on before moving toward the stairs.

He is trying to remain as calm as possible.

He isn't sure how long he has left Olivia alone with her thoughts and he hopes she hasn't had enough time to make herself anxious. He has to find out how she feels. Physically, he wonders if she is hurting.

As soon as he reaches the bottom of the stairs, he hears the soft hum of Olivia's voice in the kitchen. He can't decipher her words, just the hum of her voice.  
 _  
Heidi,_ he realizes. Olivia is talking to Heidi.

Elliot moves into the living room and watches them for a moment. Olivia is wearing a pair of navy sweatpants and a white knit sweater. Her feet are bare and he loves that because he thinks it means she isn't in a hurry to go anywhere. He is going to have to grab her a pair of socks though, because the floor gets cold.  
He watches her brush her hair behind her ear as she examines the contents of his freezer. Heidi sits right at Olivia's feet, watching her curiously.  
Elliot takes another step forward and his dog whirls around and bounds toward him with her tail wagging. She prances from Olivia to Elliot as if trying to tell him about the new friend she has made.

Elliot tries to keep his eyes on Olivia's back. He can't look to his left into the laundry room without the memory of her tears coming back to him. He almost opens his mouth to speak, but she beats him to it.

"Do you have any waffles?" She asks, as if standing in his kitchen discussing brunch on a mid-morning in early January is a regular activity of theirs.  
Olivia closes the freezer and turns to look at him. She brushes her hair back behind her ear once more and Elliot knows that the movement is born of her nerves.  
He thinks she is beautiful. He also thinks that she must have slept because her eyes look brighter. Her cheeks are slightly swollen, both from her crying and from the dark purple discoloration that covers her jaw. He thinks he must be staring at her for too long because there is the softest flush appearing across her face.

"El," Olivia says his name and it brings him back to her. He nods because he isn't sure he can speak just yet.  
"Waffles? Do you know if you have any waffles?" She repeats her request gently and Elliot nods again. She is asking him for something and he has to pay attention.  
"Waffles. Yeah. I've got waffles. They're downstairs in the other freezer." He starts to walk backwards toward the basement door, but stops before he opens it. "They're shaped like Yoda. From Star Wars." He doesn't know why this is important to explain, but now that he has begun to speak, he doesn't want to stop.

Olivia smiles. "Eli," she says, understanding.  
"Eli," Elliot replies, nodding in affirmation. "I'll be right back," he tells her, tearing his eyes away from her.

He starts down the stairs and he marvels at the fact that he doesn't hear the sound of Heidi's feet following him right away.  
His dog is comfortable with Olivia. _Of course, she is._

He pulls the box of waffles out of the freezer and turns to go back upstairs. Heidi sits at the top of the steps, her tail thumping on the floor. He rubs his hand over her soft fur for a moment before she skitters back into the kitchen. Elliot starts to open the package of waffles and then lays it down on the island counter that separates him from Olivia.

Elliot wants to joke with her about how she is surprising him with her sudden desire for breakfast, but he realizes it may not be so sudden. He hasn't been beside her on a daily basis for more than a year and maybe she has been eating breakfast with her new partner regularly. Maybe-

Olivia turns away from him and preheats the oven.  
"Heidi has a craving," she explains and Elliot wants to laugh. She could tell him that Santa Claus had a carving for all he cares, so long as she is standing in his kitchen and talking to him.  
"You girls hit it off?" Elliot asks, peering around the counter to where Heidi sits next to Olivia's leg. Olivia nods, leaning down to touching Heidi's head.  
"Yes. We've been talking."

Elliot smiles. "How did you sleep?" He asks and he watches as Olivia's gaze falls from his and the pink flush drifts across her face once again.  
"I'm sorry about that," she says.  
"'Bout what?"  
"Your bed," Olivia answers, fixing her eyes on the counter top.

Elliot ducks his head, trying to get her to look up at him. "Hey, you can _have_ my bed," he tells her, "I'm fine."  
He wants to tell her that he will sleep on the floor every night for the rest of his life, if it will keep her close by. The oven timer sounds and Olivia jumps at the noise. Elliot moves around the side of the counter to stand beside her.

"Why don't you let me get the waffles? How 'bout you sit down?" He suggests, gently. He hasn't touched her since last night and he slides his hands into his pockets to prevent himself from reaching for her. Olivia looks up at him, tucking a wave of hair behind her ear once more.  
"I'm good. I promise," she adds, taking in the look of concern on his face. "I feel better if I'm moving."

Elliot steps back and lets her go.  
"You want something to drink?" He asks, opening the refrigerator and pulling out the carton of orange juice to set on the counter. "I've got orange, apple, and I think there's some grape juice downstairs, but that's got a lot of sugar that my kid doesn't need."

Olivia smiles. "Orange is fine," she says, motioning toward the carton with his hand. Elliot changes places with her, moving behind her as he reaches into the cabinet for two glasses.  
"Woman after my own heart," he remarks lightly and he hears the soft sound of amusement Olivia makes.

He fills her glass and when he hands it to her he feels the brush of her fingertips against his own. Olivia takes a small sip and sets the glass down onto the counter, before she reaches to her left and pulls an oven mitt out of one of the drawers. Elliot watches her, marveling at how comfortable she seems in his space. He crosses his arms and leans back against the island.

"How do you know your way around my kitchen so well? You been going through my drawers?" He asks her, curiously.

The bubble of laughter that escapes from Olivia is so wholly unexpected that he can't do anything except stare at her. She takes a breath and presses her hand to her lips as if it will keep her amusement at bay. He doesn't understand.  
Olivia is looking at him, all wide eyes and shy smile and he isn't comprehending. She laughs again and shakes her head.

"What happened?" Elliot asks, laughing along with her. "What did I do?" He wants to memorize whatever he has said to make her laugh like this.

Olivia takes another breath and grins at him. "I can't repeat it," she says, her tone taking on a playful air.  
"That bad, huh?" He asks, trying to remember what just took place. He attempts to mentally retrace the last two minutes.  
"I was asking you 'bout the kitchen and I said-" _Oh. Real smooth Stabler._ He gets it.

Olivia starts to laugh again and Elliot thinks it must be because of the look of realization he is wearing. He feels himself flush as Olivia did earlier and he can't remember the last time anything took his breath away so quickly as watching her eyes light up when she laughs. He wonders how long it's been since he has felt this way - fumbling, and funny, and real. He rubs his hands over his face.

"I'm not talking anymore today," he says with an embarrassed grin. Elliot moves toward the table and sits down, leaving Olivia in the kitchen on her own. She is giving him the feeling that she doesn't need him right now and he has to let her be all right. He has to give her space. She is making him dizzy with her capability. She is all right and he has to let her be. She doesn't need his help. She certainly doesn't need the accidental innuendos he seems to come out with. He can't insert himself into every minute of her life, even though he desperately wants to. He has to let her...

"El." He looks up at her from his place at the table. "Plates are...?" Olivia asks, pointing between two different cabinets. "To your left," he answers. She needs him still and proves him wrong once more.

* * *

The snow blower is well worth every penny. It took him more than two hours to do the entire driveway. He is sure the front walkway didn't need to be shoveled three times, but the physicality of the labor is what he is counting on. He can't go inside and stare at Olivia, so he has to stay out here.

Elliot reasons that it makes sense. He has a job to do and it is keeping him, mentally and physically, out of the house. He hopes she doesn't think he is avoiding her because that is the last thing he wants to do. He just wants to make sure she has space and breathing room. She is already in his house and he is sure that is overwhelming enough for her without him being aware of her every move.

Heidi has been in and out over the course of the last few hours. She has a swinging door that leads out onto the back porch and she has come dashing around the front of the house to check on his progress multiple times.

Now he can feel Heidi against his leg as he moves toward the barn.  
It has begun to snow again. The tiny flakes are innumerable and Elliot doesn't ever think he will get over the fact that all these minuscule snow flakes fall together at just the right time to blanket the ground in inches of white powder.

The barn is a deep shade of faded red and the color stands out against the dark trees and white snow. The barn structure wasn't touched by the previous owners and for all Elliot knows the place could have been standing here since the early 1900's. However, there is modern electricity throughout the building so he knows someone took time to wire it for lights. He pulls the door open with his gloved hands and moves inside.

By working farm standards, the space isn't large. There is a decent sized hay loft and four stalls that lead him to believe the barn was once home to horses. Elliot reaches up to turn on one of the lamps and the interior is cast in the softest yellow glow.

He has put off bringing the kids in here because he knows that Eli will want to climb around Spider-Man-style up the hay loft and Lizzie will cry when she sees the horse stalls.

Around age twelve, Elizabeth went horse crazy and Elliot knows that she has never fully recovered. For countless Christmases, their youngest daughter begged he and Kathy for riding lessons, but they never materialized. She would come to the dinner table armed with information she had printed from the internet about horses who were for sale because their owners couldn't keep them for one reason or another. Lizzie never quite understood why their backyard in Queens wasn't a good fit for a horse. Elliot smiles at the memory and reaches out to touch one of the stall doors.

 _Someday,_ he thinks.

He hasn't told Lizzie, but he has been considering rescuing a horse or two. Elliot laughs into the empty space around himself and shakes his head. He isn't sure what has gotten into him over the last year, but he thinks if Elizabeth is horse crazy - then he is just plain nuts.  
He doesn't know a thing about horses. He has never even ridden a horse, but here he stands considering rescuing more than one.

God, he has changed so much.

He has the space and the time now. He thinks he has the room in his heart now, too.

In Manhattan, he always felt like he was treading water just enough to keep himself afloat. There wasn't enough of him to give to anyone else.  
Now, he is overwhelmed by how much he wants, both for himself and for those he loves. He remembers how anxious he felt about bringing Heidi home and he knows now that she is one of the best things to ever happen to him.

He thinks he will wait until the spring at least, but that doesn't stop him from looking at the classified ads in the local paper and taking a look at the announcement bulletin board at the supermarket. He knows what it will mean to Lizzie, but he thinks that he will be the one affected the most.

He wants to try everything, give it all his best shot. He lived within the strict confines of the job for so long that he never got to see that there was a life beyond those precinct walls.  
And what a life.  
This house, this land, this barn in Northern Virginia in the dying light of an early January afternoon is so far from where he use to live and who he used to be that sometimes it takes his breath away.

He has so much more than he ever could have imagined here. The kids come and go, the house is his, the job is important, Heidi is constant, and his life is good. He tries not to think about what is missing from all of this.

He tries not to - Olivia.

Elliot's gaze snaps to where she stands against the door frame. Her black parka is flecked with snow and he can see the glittering flakes slowly melting into her dark hair. He isn't sure how long she has been watching him, but she looks settled there, leaning on the wooden frame.

 _You okay?_ almost makes its way out of his mouth, but Olivia is speaking before he can get the words out.  
"I've missed you in there," she says, motioning back toward the house. Elliot feels his chest ache for an instant and before he can process this piece of information, Olivia is speaking again.

"I missed you and I didn't think you were coming back in anytime soon. Then I thought communication is a two-way street, so I better come find you," She says softly and the sound of her voice makes him think she has been rehearsing her words.

"Liv," Elliot says her name quietly and he isn't even sure that she can hear him.  
He wants to talk to her, to explain why he hasn't been back inside, why he has thought he owed her some space. She is fascinating him because everything he thinks she wants, she seems to desire the opposite. He tries to give her space and she wants him right beside her. He is going to have to become more attentive and more talkative. He is going to have to ask her what she wants from him instead of simply assuming.

"Liv," he tries again, but when she shakes her head and holds up her hand, Elliot falls silent.

He watches as she takes the deepest breath she can muster before she pushes herself off the wall to take a few steps toward where he stands. Olivia brushes her hair away from her face with her fingers and he resolves that the next time it falls into her face that he is going to do that for her. He thinks she is watching him just as cautiously as he is watching her and this moment feels as fragile as ice coating a lake. One move from either of them and they will both fall through.

"Last night," Olivia begins, "I did a lot of thinking." She unintentionally bites her split bottom lip and she flinches at the sting. "About everything," she continues, "About the accident and life and you."

Elliot isn't sure that he is still breathing. If he couldn't feel his legs holding himself steady, he wouldn't know if he were standing or sitting. He can't speak or move a muscle until she has said her piece. He owes her that and so much more. His mind is glaringly blank in this moment.  
He isn't worrying about the past or the future. He tries to think like Eli - only for the present. For one glorious instant, the only life that exists is right here between the two of them.

Now.

"I kept thinking about the job and us and all of this," Olivia looks around the barn. Her gaze settles on where Heidi sits somewhere behind Elliot and to his left. His dog comes without being called and settles herself against Olivia's leg, eagerly sniffing her parka and gazing at her with the same adoring expression that Elliot is sure his eyes hold when he looks at her.

"The job was _it_ for so long, you know? It was what kept us busy, kept us going, it kept us...together." Olivia fidgets with the bandage covering her left hand and continues speaking.

"I sat in Gabrielle Marcos' living room the other night with her younger brother and her parents and I had to tell them that we didn't have any leads. I had to give them all the scripted lines that we were working on it and that I'd let them know as soon as I could. I was sitting there and I was supposed to be focusing on finding this little girl, but I could only think about two things. One, how afraid I felt in that moment and two: you." Olivia says, watching him.

"I couldn't muster enough energy to feel hopeful and that scared me so much. All these years on the job and I've always approached the cases with an iota of hope, even if there wasn't a reason to feel that way."

Elliot nods. He knows this about her better than anyone.

"But I was sitting there and I told them we were doing everything we could. I told them that their gorgeous seventeen year old daughter was our first priority and we wouldn't stop until we found her." Olivia shakes her head.  
"My words felt useless. There I was trying to talk to them when all they wanted was their daughter back. I can't imagine how terrified they were and I just felt so pathetic."

Olivia shrugs and angrily brushes away the tears that have slipped from her eyes.

"Then I went out and I got in the car and I just started crying. Like this," she says, gesturing with her hands.  
"I started crying for them, for Gabby, for everything, and then I couldn't stop. I was crying because Gabby didn't have a choice. Whatever happened to her, I'm pretty sure she didn't have a say in the matter. Her family didn't have a choice. They would never have chosen to live through that nightmare. I was sitting in my car outside their house, bawling, and I was thinking that none of them had a choice in this!"

Olivia struggles for a breath and hits the wood of the stall door with the palm of her right hand. She looks up at him and Elliot watches as some haunted thought disappears from her eyes. He knows he has to remain silent because whatever she is about to say, he has to hear.

"They didn't have choices, El. But I do," Olivia says, nodding and Elliot holds his breath.

"I do," she repeats, "I started thinking about what I told you the night before on the phone. How I handed in my resignation to Capt. I started to think about all the things I want to do in life that don't involve worrying about the job. For the first time in a long time, I was thinking about what I want out of life."

Olivia takes a breath and looks up at him. "I drove away from their home with all these thoughts swirling in my head about what I want to do. And then..." Her eyes take on a stark sheen. "Then I wrecked the car and I don't remember any of it. If you hadn't been there, El -"

 _"Olivia,"_ Elliot cuts in, shaking his head as if the movement will erase the implications of the words she has just planted in his mind. "You can't think like that-"

"Last night, I was sitting there listening to everything you were trying to tell me and the thought that kept repeating in my mind was that I had waited until the night I almost died before I started thinking about my future."

Elliot presses his hand to his chest because the ache that has begun there is spreading throughout his body. Olivia's words have shaken him to his core.  
Three nights ago, she was thinking about her future. Two nights ago, Kathy told him to go to find his in Olivia. Tonight in their present, they stand here together.

He wants to tell her that isn't true. She hadn't waited to think of her future until the last possible minute. She has been moving towards this moment every second since she agreed to talk to him on the phone night after night, over a year ago. He wants to tell her this and he will, just not right now.

Right now, they are both raw, fatigued, and struggling to find the right words to say. If Elliot knows anything at all, it is about their collective resilience. They have always been stronger, better, braver together.

The job doesn't sit between them anymore.

They have been stripped of everything they ever knew, but they are still on their feet. These next steps will require a different sort of bravery than the brand they used on the streets. It is equally laudable and no less powerful. They have to be real with each other for every moment of the rest of their lives.

Elliot wants to tell her about everything attached to that word: _future._ He wants to tell her about the conversations he has had over the last few days with his children and with Kathy, and how firmly he believes in their rightness together. He wants to tell her everything. As soon as possible.

He stands still and forces his mind to stop its spinning. Olivia has more to say. He can tell by the look on her face and he as to let her convey absolutely anything she wants to.

Olivia tilts her head and looks up at him and he can see that despite how exhausted she is, she is trying for one more thing. She takes a breath. "I'm sorry I made you wait so long," she says, "I just had to sort through all of that."

Elliot shakes his head. He doesn't understand, but he has to trust that she will clarify.

And with one more breath, Olivia does.

"I love you, too."


	20. Chapter 20

**Author's Note:** As ever, thank you all from the bottom of my heart for taking the time to read and to write to me. I so appreciate your time and feedback.

* * *

"We have to thank Meg for all that food," Olivia says for the fourth time since they ate. Elliot rubs his thumb across her fingers intertwined with his own.  
"We will," he assures her. He glances at her in time to see her nod.  
Their collective walk is slower than usual tonight. They are both tired and he knows Olivia's head must be aching.

"Do you need anything else while we're here?" She asks. Elliot looks at her and her question takes away his ability to answer. This evening has given him more than he ever thought possible and he isn't sure he is going to need anything ever again, apart from her hand in his for the rest of his life.

He watches the way she peeks up at him, as if waiting for an answer. He doesn't have one to give because it's her. _She_ is the answer.  
Elliot can't help the way he feels his lips quirking upward and Olivia shakes her head with a smile. Even in the glow from the parking lot lights, he can see the slightest flush of her skin.  
He loves her. She loves him.  
It is simple and real and unbelievable all at the same time. It is as inevitable as they have always been. Three hours ago, they silently stood opposite each other in the barn...

 _Stillness. Quiet. Even the wind had died down. Heidi sat like a statue near the barn door as Olivia's words breathed life into the air around them. Biting down hard, worrying his bottom lip. The sight of Olivia blurred before him, but he couldn't take his eyes off of her. Those words..he never thought...ever..._

 _He stepped forward and then Olivia was in his arms. He hugged her, just hugged her and it wasn't like any other time that he had held her before. Now there aren't any rules, guidelines, or prying eyes. There isn't any professionalism to be had, no wedding rings, or fear of consequences. Just them, as they were always meant to be._

 _He kissed her forehead, her bangs tangled against his lips and his mute tears entwined in her hair. He felt Olivia shiver and then she tilted her head up toward him, resting her cheek against his shoulder. She sighed then and he felt the tickle of her breath against his neck. He tried to focus on her eyes. He couldn't let his gaze drift to the dark gash on her bottom lip. He couldn't watch the way Olivia wet her lip with her tongue to soothe the surely splitting burn. He wanted to do that for her. He wanted his mouth right there on hers. He wanted, he wants...but he is content simply to hold her for the rest of his life._

Every step that they trod right now is over completely uncharted territory. They have been thrust into a courageous new place of their own making.

Elliot grabs a shopping cart and steers it with his right hand while holding onto Olivia with his left. He catches the way she is smiling and for a moment he feels invincible. "You okay?" He asks her.  
She nods, "Just never thought I'd be grocery shopping with you, that's all."  
Elliot grins in amusement, "Have you _ever_ been grocery shopping? With or without me?"  
Olivia gives him the most exasperated look she can muster. "Wonder why did it took us so long to do this?" she muses, playfully ignoring him.

Her realization of the implication of her words dawns before his does and he hears it in her sharp inhale. He holds onto her hand as Olivia shakes her head.  
"I didn't mean that-" she starts and Elliot silences her by pressing his mouth to her temple. He kisses her there beneath the florescent lights of the supermarket. He can feel Olivia trembling just slightly against him and he slips his arm around her waist.

Elliot takes a breath, hoping she will follow his lead. He nods in acknowledgement of her words.  
"I have some things to tell you," he informs her. He isn't going to deny the existence of their past, but it certainly doesn't have to define their future. Olivia stiffens in his arms and he ducks his head to try to catch her eyes. "Not bad things, Liv," he assures her, "Good things."

He watches her until he sees the anxiety start to fade from her eyes. Olivia rests her head against his shoulder for the briefest moment before she nods, accepting his words.

Olivia lets go of his hand, but stays beside him as they move through the produce section.  
"Apples," Elliot says, keeping his voice low. "Oranges and we'll grab some bananas." He fills the cart with produce and they make their way through the rest of the store. He continues with his verbal recitation of his typical grocery list. This is what he does when Eli accompanies him to the store. He does it now in an effort to normalize this for Olivia.

"Pasta and I'm pretty sure we're out of tuna," he tells her. He is going to go into work tomorrow and he wants to make sure there is plenty of food in the house. "Milk and eggs and we'll go home."

Elliot grabs two boxes of pasta and puts them in the cart before glancing over his shoulder at Olivia.  
"Okay?" He whispers, asking her about her well-being as much as about his grocery choices. She gives him the slightest smile and nods. Her dark eyes are taking on a sleepy sheen and he knows she is must be exhausted. He had wanted her to wait for him in the car, but she had insisted on coming with him and he hadn't denied her. He thinks that today may have taken an even bigger toll on her than yesterday and his sole focus now is getting her home and putting her to bed.

At the front of the store, Elliot empties the cart onto the conveyor belt, pays the cashier, and packs the groceries into plastic bags. They only have five bags to of groceries, so Elliot parks the cart and opts to carry the bags to the parking lot. He reads Olivia's expression and he knows she wants to help, so he gives her the lightest bag to carry. He grabs the other four bags and they walk toward the truck.

"You get inside, Liv," Elliot instructs her, opening the front door and motioning her inside.  
Olivia doesn't move. Elliot tilts his head and watches her for a moment as she stands before him. He knows she must be freezing, but he is also sure that her hesitancy means she has something to say and he can't rush her. He meets her gaze in the dim light from the streetlights. She is wearing the gentlest expression and he barely has time to take her in because she is stepping closer to him and grasping his forearm.  
"Thank you," Olivia whispers before she pushes herself up and lightly kisses his cheek.

 _Liv.  
_  
He wants to say her name, but he can't seem to speak. His hands are full and he can't hold onto her. He watches her and even in the dim light of the parking lot, he can see that she is blushing beneath his gaze. She places the bag that she carries into the back seat and pulls herself up into passenger side of the truck without another word. The snap of the door closing spurs him into action. Elliot puts the rest of the groceries into the back seat and climbs into the front seat beside her.

"What was that for?" He asks softly, a grin tugging at his lips as he reaches across the truck for her hand. "Everything," Olivia answers, intertwining her cold fingers with his own.

* * *

Elliot listens to the soft hum of Olivia's voice from his daughters' bedroom. Cragen called as soon as they got in the house and Elliot sent her upstairs to talk while he unpacked their groceries. He texted Kathy and his children, keeping them posted before he locked up the house and took a brief shower.

Now, he leans back against the headboard of his bed and tries to read. He hears the cadence of Olivia's voice change from business professional to sweet and soft. He hears her laugh and he doesn't think she is talking to her Captain any longer. Olivia laughs again and Elliot grins at the sound.

She is comfortable here. He will do everything he can to keep her that way. He has to go back to work tomorrow and he is praying that between his instructions and Heidi's penchant for napping, Olivia will stay off her feet for a few hours.

He looks down at the papers that he has lying on the comforter. He has been working on this new report for weeks, but the notes spread across his lap don't look even vaguely familiar. Elliot grabs his glasses from the bedside table and tries to focus. The scrawl of handwriting is his own, but he barely remembers making these edits.

Rationally, he knows he has only been away from work for a few days, but it feels like a lifetime. So much has taken place in such a short span of time and he knows he is going to have to force himself to concentrate tomorrow. He wonders how quickly he could lose his job because his mind has wandered back home one too many times.

He hears the sound of Heidi's feet dancing over the wooden floor in the hallway before the sound of Olivia's voice meets his ears.  
"Hi sweet girl, were you waiting for me?" She coos and Elliot smiles to himself. He hears Heidi follow Olivia into the bathroom and then the shower turns on.

He tries to keep his eyes on the papers in front of him, but he is slipping. He is falling asleep to the sound of the shower and the thought that Olivia is warm and safe and near...

"Do you want to sleep with your Dad?" Elliot hears her hushed voice and he opens his eyes to find both Olivia and Heidi standing in the doorway. He can tell that his dog is debating her sleeping options for the evening. His bed, her dog bed, or Olivia's room.

Elliot takes his glasses off and rubs his eyes before he sits up to look at them.

"You all right?" He asks, keeping his voice low. He watches while Olivia nods.  
Heidi moves into the room and settles herself into her dog bed on the floor. If Elliot knows his dog at all, she will be up on his bed within the next ten minutes.  
Olivia leans against the door frame and he wants nothing more than to reach for her hand and tug her into the room, but he knows that he has to let her go at her own pace.

Elliot moves to sit up and plant his feet on the floor when Olivia takes another step into the room.  
"Don't get up," she says, shaking her head.  
"You wanna sit down?" He asks, leaning forward to collect the pages of notes strewn across the bedspread.

Olivia attempts to perch on the edge of the bed, but it has some height to it and he knows that she is tired and aching. Elliot reaches for her hand and Olivia laughs as he helps her up to sit on his bed. He watches her as she tries to find the most comfortable position in which to sit. She presses her hand to her aching left side more than once as she settles at the foot of the bed, leaning on her right arm.

They sit opposite each other and if Elliot couldn't feel his heart beating, he wouldn't be certain that he was breathing. The moment is so soft and sweet and wholly unexpected.

Olivia is sitting on his bed.

Her hair is slightly damp from her shower and he can smell her coconut shampoo. The shoulder of her fleece zippered sweatshirt is falling down, leaving her shoulder bare. Elliot wants to reach over to take her hand again, to cover her up, to pull her closer, to brush her hair away from her face, to-

"I talked to Cragen," Olivia starts and he nods in acknowledgement.  
"He have any news about your case?" Elliot asks, slowly. He wants to understand what Olivia has going through her mind right now. He watches as she shakes her head.  
"He wouldn't tell me," she says, ruefully.  
"Smart man," he quips and Olivia tosses him a look. He is infinitely grateful to Don for protecting her.  
"He wanted to check in and make sure we were behaving," Olivia continues.  
Elliot smirks at her and she laughs. "I told him we're doing our best."

Elliot shakes his head at what still feels like the improbability of this moment. He takes his eyes off of her to study the line of a floorboard. He is sure that he is looking at her too much, but he can't help it. She is radiant. He looks back at her and Olivia gives him the smallest smile.

He takes a deep breath. "Most nights this is what I do when we talk on the phone. I lay here and I listen to you and I wonder what it'd be like to have you here."

Olivia blushes gently, but not enough to make him think she hasn't done the exact same thing. "In your bed?" She asks, flirting between amusement and cautious curiosity.

"Beside me," Elliot finishes.

She means so much more to him than just romance or lust or sex and he wants her to know. He wants to show her in every way, to prove to her their absolute rightness together. He watches Olivia take a breath and look down at her hands.  
Her hair falls, obscuring his view of her face, and Elliot reaches toward her. He brushes the lock gingerly behind her ear and his fingertips linger ever so lightly on her bruised jaw. He wants to lean forward and to kiss her there, but Olivia is speaking before he has a chance. She reaches up and tangles her fingers with his, bringing both of their hands to rest in her lap.

"Leen called, too," she tells him and Elliot nods. He isn't surprised because he knows how important Olivia is to his children. He wants her to know, too.  
"Leen says that she and Liz want to come down to see us," Olivia continues.

Elliot grins and she looks at him.  
"They wanna see _you,"_ he tells her. Olivia tilts her head, not understanding.

"Liz wasn't there the night of the accident," Elliot explains, slowly. "She was skiing with her best friends in the Poconos. Kathy called her the next morning and I told her everything. She wanted to drive home that day, but I was still worried 'bout them driving in that weather, so I bargained with her. Told her she could come and stay here for a couple days if she would just wait to drive home."

He rubs his thumb over their intertwined fingers. He reads Olivia's eyes and because Rome wasn't built in a day, he knows that she wants to say something about feeling like she is intruding on his family's life, but he isn't finished speaking.

"Last thing Lizzie asked me was if you were gonna be here. Told me to bring you home."

Olivia sinks slightly in the way she is sitting. Elliot gives her more than a minute with her thoughts before he brings their tangled fingers to his lips and kisses her hand. When her gaze meets his eyes, he sees hesitancy there, but more than that he sees hope.

"Do you really think?" She takes a breath, "Do you think we- I'm- home?"  
She has never had this and he knows how she feels when she is granted too much, so he gives her one word.  
"Yes," Elliot tells her with a conviction so strong he can feel it in his bones.

Olivia smile is dazzling for an instant before she presses her fingertips to her lips as if she is trying to hide her reaction to his answer.  
"Do you?" He asks her, gently. He knows she has never felt like she belonged anywhere, but he wants to know how she feels with him.

Olivia nods, slowly. "I mean," she runs her fingers through her hair and her eyes fill when she looks back at him.  
Elliot sits in silence, clinging to her hand. He has to let her work through whatever she needs to.

"I don't know, El. I'm- I'm here with you and I love this. I want to fit in here. I've only ever felt like I belonged anywhere when I was with you. But for so long you didn't belong with me. You belonged to your family and Kathy and-" Olivia speaks quickly before she takes a shuddering breath and every word she says is filled with unfounded shame.

He _knows._

He knows she is tired, but he isn't going to let this rest. Olivia won't go to sleep tonight without knowing the truth, his, _theirs._

"You're my best friend," Olivia surprises him when she continues to speak. "I only ever felt like I made any sense when I was with you, but we were only ever together at work. You have your family - your gorgeous family and I never would have..." She pauses and shakes her head.  
"I felt like I was part of you, but the part that was work. The part connected to the job, the part that could be picked up and laid back down and rightly so. I never had any right to you then and now..."

Elliot makes a sound low in his throat, but she continues on. He wants to interject that she has always had a right to him, just not in any verifiable way. It is he who has never had the right to claim her as his own.

"Life is so different now and this last year we've gotten so much closer and we're better with so many things. I listen to your voice on the phone and I can hear how much happier you are. Sometimes I lay in bed and I think about all of this and all those years. I think it doesn't matter how much I love you because I feel like it isn't fair."

Olivia takes a breath and he feels the way she begins to tremble as she steels herself for what she has left to convey.

"I feel like it isn't fair that Kathy doesn't get to have you. Why do I get the chance now?"

There is such genuine concern in her voice that Elliot needs to take a breath. Olivia isn't angry. She is trying to understand.

Elliot knows that there is a way to explain this. A tactful, eloquent way to go about all of this. His daughters would be able to do it so well and he is calling on Kathy's words from the other night - that their children are half of him, to get him through this.  
He doesn't have all the answers and some elements of their relationship defy explanation. He has to preface his words with all of this. He wants her to know that he feels just as lost as she does sometimes.

Elliot tugs his fingers lose from her hand. "I'm gonna stand up, okay?"  
He thinks he might be able to think better while his feet are moving. Olivia nods just a little bit and he sees the way her eyes start to prepare themselves for the fall.  
"I'm not going anywhere," he whispers, reassuring her. Elliot takes a deep breath and fixes his gaze on Heidi for a moment. His dog is sleepily watching the proceedings from her bed and her eyes follow his feet as he moves about the room.

Before he begins speaking, he watches as Olivia herself moves up to the head of the bed to lean against the pillows at the headboard. She is wordlessly trying to show him that she isn't running away, either. She is settling in to listen to whatever it is that he has to say. That thought alone gives him the courage he needs to speak.

Elliot fixes his gaze on her and begins.

"Remember the other night when I went back to Kathy's? I was out shoveling the driveway and she asked me if I'd go for a walk with her. She told me she had some things she wanted to talk to me about. She said I might not like everything she had to say, but she wanted me to listen. She asked me 'bout the accident. She was worried for you. I told her everything was gonna be all right."

Olivia sits completely still against his pillows and he watches the slightest nod that she gives him, signifying that she is taking in his every word.

"Kathy - she told me a lot of things, Liv. She wanted to talk about things she sees. She said I still carry around a lot of guilt about how I acted while we were married, about the kids, and the job. She told me that I blame myself for everything that happened while we were married and she isn't wrong."  
Elliot shakes his head.

"Kathy wanted me to know that she takes responsibility for what happened between us. She said she never made things easy on me and in the end the onus rests on both of us." Elliot moves closer to the bed and rests his hands against the blanket, trying not to clench his fists. He can feel Olivia's gaze on his face before he meets her eyes.

This may be the most important thing he says to her tonight.

"I need you to understand something." He presses his palms down against the side of the bed. "You had _nothing_ to do with the end of my marriage," Elliot growls in a rougher tone than he intends, but he has to impress this upon her. He needs her to understand, to believe him, to know the truth.

"Kathy was my wife. She's the mother of my kids and I'm always going to love her. She told me that she loves me, too. We both know it's just not in a way that works out that we can be married to each other. In hindsight, the divorce is probably the best decision we ever made for ourselves and for the kids. We're both better now. Different and better. I always thought it was all complicated and tangled up, but it's not. It's simple. Kathy and I- we were so young when we started, Liv. Too young. I don't regret Maureen for one minute, but given the chance to do it over again? God, I would've waited years."

He isn't sure when either of them began crying, but he knows with certainty that he has to continue speaking.

"Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I had waited for you."

"Elliot," Olivia chokes, sending a cascade of tears down her cheeks.

"Just listen to me," he begs, "I've thought about this. I've thought about the way you looked at me that first day and all you had to do was smile and I was a goner. If I had - if I had waited back then, then we wouldn't be who we are, Liv."

Olivia furrows her brow and he can tell that she is trying to understand.

"I would have done something stupid like tried to kiss you after a couple of days and you would have sued me for sexual harassment, and everything would have been over before we got started. We never would have had a chance to be partners. You would have walked out of my life and I would have regretted it ever since. I never would have gotten the chance to know you. We never would have had all those years. We wouldn't have become _us."_

He watches Olivia nod and he moves closer to where she sits on the bed. Her dark eyes are wide when she looks at him. Elliot prays for a few more moments of strength. There is one last thing he needs to impress upon her.

"You were never connected to the job for me. You were _you._ You were this gift I got, but didn't deserve in the hell of the job. You were my partner. You _are_ my partner. Everything that word encompasses, you _are,_ Olivia. I've got so much respect for you." He shakes his head because he isn't sure he is using the right words. He doesn't have the vocabulary to do her justice. "You're the strongest, most delicate woman I've ever met and you scare the hell out of me-"

"Why?" Olivia interjects, imploringly.

"Because you don't know," Elliot continues as if she hasn't spoken at all.

She looks at him and her eyes are full.

"Nothing ever happened between us because I was married and we were partners. Neither one of us would ever have done anything to intentionally screw either of those things up, but it's the truth. God, Liv. You gotta- You gotta know." He is on the verge of begging and he wonders if she can hear the plea in his voice.

"I do," Olivia assures him, nodding. She moves closer to the side of the bed where he stands and her legs dangle over the edge. "I do know because it's the same for me. It's always been the same."

Elliot is crumbling now. He can feel his control slipping. He wants to go back to her initial question about her right to their relationship to tell her that despite everything they had to live through to come to this moment, she has always _had_ him.

He leans down and kisses her forehead. He knows that Olivia can feel him shaking when she presses her palm against his chest. Her lips skim his neck and he swallows the tightness in his throat as he pulls away to look at her.

"Kathy said life changes, Liv. She said it's too short for regrets. She's happy and she wants that for all of us. The kids - they're all doing great. She likes living in Glen Cove. She's been seeing a nice guy."

Elliot is aware the implication behind those words may never stop hurting because he is human. For such a long time, he believed that he hadn't been good enough for his family. He knows the truth now. Mercifully, his emotion doesn't come through in his tone, but Olivia knows nevertheless.

"El," she whispers, reaching for his hand.

"Kathy's comfortable with where she is and who she is. She says she feels like she knows herself better now and she can be herself with this guy. She said that's what you do for me and she's right. I'm most myself when I'm with you because I'm comfortable. I don't have to do anything or change anything because you've always taken me for exactly who I am. Kathy said that you hold onto a lot of the same things I do and she doesn't want anybody taking that burden on anymore. It never did anybody any good, Liv. We're not living that way anymore, okay?"

Olivia wipes her cheek on her sleeve and nods. Elliot can feel his own eyes welling with emotion, but he isn't finished speaking.

"So I don't have all the answers, Liv. God, there are some things about us that I can't explain. This isn't a math problem. There isn't some clear cut solution or a right way to do this. You gotta forgive me 'cause there are a lot of things I still have to learn. But there's a couple things I know for sure. I know I love you. I know how much I love you and I'll do anything for you - anything you want, Liv."

Elliot watches the way her dark eyes spill over as his vision of her blurs. Olivia looks down at the floor and they rest in silence for more than a minute. Elliot stands before her as she sits on the edge of the bed, his body framing hers. He studies the wave of her hair, the way her hands lay gracefully in her lap, the way her feet dangle above the floor and the light purple polish that covers her toes.

The world is silent for a moment and all Elliot can hear is the faint sound of Olivia's breathing before Heidi takes the opportunity to slip across the floor and jump up to settle herself onto the bed. Olivia gives the softest laugh as she looks over her shoulder and smiles at his dog. She smooths her fingers through Heidi's velvet fur before she looks back at him.

"Last night," Olivia starts and she has to clear her throat lightly because whatever she is going to say requires more of her voice. "I came up here and I fell asleep in your bed because I wanted to be beside you. I wanted to be with you."

"And I left," Elliot rasps heavily, realizing his mistake. She reaches for him, pressing her hands to his chest as she shakes her head.  
"No, I needed time. You were right. I just - I wanted you to be beside me when I woke up." Olivia's skin flushes at her own admission.

She dissolves the last bit of strength Elliot has and he isn't sure how much longer he will be able to stand on his own. He leans down and braces his palms against the bed on either side of her thighs.

Their foreheads touch for a moment and Elliot closes his eyes. He hears Olivia take the softest breath and she moves her right hand to rest on his shoulder. "El," she whispers his name and he looks down at her. Her brown eyes are wide and clear and she is looking at him with all the sureness in the world.

No matter what her eyes are telling him, he made up his mind a long time ago that he has to to ask her. He needs her permission, to say just six more words...

"Will you let me kiss you?" Elliot's voice is so low that it is nothing more than a rumble in his chest. Olivia absently draws her split bottom lip into her mouth before wincing at the contact. He hears her breath hitch ever so quietly and when she nods, Elliot's lips brush her forehead.  
"I love you," Olivia whispers and with that he falls.

* * *

Elliot kisses her ever so gently. Olivia's lips are soft and he can taste the faintest hint of toothpaste as she tilts her head up toward him. Elliot brings his left hand to the nape of her neck and cradles the back of her head with his palm. He kisses her gingerly, careful of her sore bottom lip. He slides his mouth over hers and he is unsure as to which one of them is shaking. Olivia's fingertips are pressing into his shoulder and her left hand rests against his chest. Elliot ghosts his right palm up her back and she leans against his hand.

"Liv," he whispers her name against her lips, "I love you."

He is overwhelmed.

The thought that he can reinforce this fact to her, every minute of every day for the rest of his life is unfathomable. Elliot draws back, still cradling her cheek in his hand.  
Perched on the edge of his bed, with kissed lips and bright eyes, he thinks she is beautiful. Olivia looks up at him and for a moment she seems shy. They both breathe in at the same time and she laughs. Elliot grins at the sound.

Olivia leans against his palm as if she is absolutely spent and he knows it is a real possibility that she is going to fall asleep sitting up right here. Elliot leans down and kisses her lips once more. Olivia holds onto his arms as she slips herself off the bed to stand in front of him and Elliot grasps her waist.

"Let's get you to bed," he whispers as she reaches up to hug him. Elliot closes his eyes and breathes with Olivia against him. He loves the way she fits in his arms, how he can feel every breath she takes as her breasts press against his chest, the feeling of her fingers against his back. He holds her for long enough that he feels himself start to sway on his feet. Elliot can't help the way he instinctively wants to protect her, to rock her to sleep.

"El," Olivia whispers and he can feel the flutter of her eyelashes against his neck.  
"Hmm?" He hums softly, not wanting to look at her for fear that she will move from her position against him.  
"Can I sleep in here with you?" Her words are almost slurred and he wants to laugh because she is nearly out and probably dreaming. Elliot tries not to let himself think of how many times he has imagined hearing her say those words himself.

"Olivia," he says quietly, drawing out her name. He isn't sure what exactly he is trying to convey to her, but he knows that he is beside himself right now. She has just let him kiss her and that in itself is more than he has ever thought possible.  
He wants to be with her all the time, yes. But more than that he wants to make sure that she understands the way he sees her. He doesn't want her to think that this is about sex, or desire, or getting her into his bed. He wants her to know that she means more than that, so much more to him. He just wants to hold her.

He knows she is simply asking to stay with him and he wants her to, but he wants to make sure she knows he would never do anything to take advantage of her. God knows how badly he wants her and Elliot has to believe that all of that will come, but in this moment, this is where they stand.

Right now, he just wants to make sure that she is comfortable.

As if she is reading his mind, Olivia takes a deep breath and leans back from him. She brings her hands to rest on his forearms and she looks too tired to blush.

Elliot exhales slowly and nods against her forehead. He takes a step forward, making Olivia step backward until the back of her thighs bump into the bed. His hands don't leave her waist until she settles herself onto the pillow. Olivia looks up at him and he can tell that she is fighting to keep her eyes open.

"Do you have a side of the bed?" She asks, drowsily.

Elliot grins and nods. "Yeah. Whichever one you don't want," he tells her, earnestly. If she weren't so tired, Elliot thinks he would have had to dodge a flying pillow. Instead, Olivia shakes her head and tries to pull the blanket up, but she doesn't have the strength.

"El?" She mumbles, drowsily.  
"Yeah, Liv?"  
"For the record, I never would have sued you if you kissed me 'cause you have to put the kids through college. I might have slapped you, but that's only 'cause I woulda been embarrassed." Olivia is positively slurring her words in exhaustion and he is trying so hard not to laugh.  
"That's good to know," he tells her, quietly.

Elliot grasps the cotton in his hand and takes it from her, pulling it up to cover her. He kisses her forehead and climbs into bed next to her. Olivia is drifting before he can brush her bangs away from her eyes.

At the first rays of the sun, he wakes with Olivia's left hand tucked against his arm as if she slept holding onto him. She humbles him because he is going to spend the rest of his life showing her that he can not be without her. Elliot sets up the coffee maker so that it will be ready for when she wakes and when he closes the door to depart for work, he leaves his heart behind.


	21. Chapter 21

**Author's Note:** You have all absolutely blown me away with your interest in this story. I can't thank you enough and I hope you continue to enjoy.

* * *

Elliot takes off his reading glasses and sets them down on his desk. Leaning back in his chair, he stretches his neck. He exhales slowly and turns his attention back to the document in front of him. He has been reading the same sentence for the last seven minutes and not comprehending a word of it.  
He checks his watch one more time. He is waiting on a phone call. Olivia promised to keep him posted about her results from her doctor's appointment.

Dr. Monroe had referred Olivia to a local physician and yesterday Elliot sat with her in the waiting room before they took her in. He knows they removed the stitches from her back, completed blood work, and checked on her head. It has been more than a week since the accident.  
Ten days- no, eleven.  
Olivia has been feeling better every day and Elliot thinks he must be as anxious as she is to hear that she has received a clean bill of health.

He hears the sound of his phone and swipes it from where it rests on the book shelf. "Liv," he answers, trying to keep his voice steady.

"Hi Dad, it's me!" Elliot grins at the sound of Elizabeth's voice.

"Hi baby, how are you?" He asks her, swiveling in his chair to face the window of his office. The sky has cleared for the first time in days and though the temperature is still bitterly cold, the sun makes it feel like a heatwave.

"I'm good, Dad. I don't want to bother you 'cause I know you're at work, but I just wanted to talk to you about two things."  
Elliot leans forward and rests his elbow on his knee as he reaches out to touch the cold glass of the windowpane.  
"Shoot, sweetheart," he says.

He hears Lizzie take a deep breath.

"Okay. One, do you and Liv need us to bring anything?" Elliot opens his mouth to answer her, but Lizzie is already speaking again.  
"And two, I just checked with Liv, but are you sure it's all right that we're coming?" She says this last part very quickly, as if she is afraid of his reaction.

Elliot shakes his head, forgetting that she can't see him.  
"Lizzie," he starts. He doesn't ever want his children to doubt how fully everything that he has belongs to them.  
"Can't wait to see both of you," he says. His voice is low and he knows his daughter will pick up on his emotion.

Lizzie is silent for a moment and he can hear Kathleen's voice in the background. "See? I told you..." She says, reassuring her sister.  
"Liv said the same thing," Lizzie tells him and he knows that she is smiling.  
When she speaks again, he can hear the quiet concern in her voice. "How is she, Dad? She always tells us she's fine, but you know Liv. Is she _really_ okay?"

Elliot closes his eyes. He speaks to at least one of his children every day and in their individual ways they all ask him the same question: _How's Olivia?_ He doesn't think he will ever be unshaken by their gentle concern for her.

He thinks their queries also mark some sort of tender affirmation of their abiding faith in him as their father and their utter adoration for Olivia.

"Daddy?" Lizzie's sweet voice brings him back.  
"Yeah. Honey," he says, taking a breath. "Liv is fine. I'm actually waiting to hear from her 'bout her appointment yesterday."

He can hear her smile though the phone. "Oh gosh. Okay, I'll let you go. We love you."  
"Love you!" Kathleen choruses from the driver's seat.  
"I love you both," Elliot says, "Lizzie?"  
"Yes, Dad?" He can hear that she is startled, as if she hadn't expected him to say anything more. Elliot takes a breath because he has something he wants her to understand.

"I've always got time for you," he tells her, "Whether I'm at work or not, you never bother me. You got that?"  
"Okay, Dad. Thanks," she says, softly. He can hear the hum of Kathleen's voice and listens as Lizzie laughs at something her sister says.  
"We'll see you soon!" Lizzie speaks again, "Love you!" She doesn't wait for him to reply before she disconnects the call.

Elliot swallows hard and forces himself to sit still. He has the irrational urge to call his daughters back, to tell them how much he loves them. He is still gun shy about anyone other than himself driving anywhere. He knows that pending Olivia's appointment results, she is going to want to drive on her own again and he isn't looking forward to handing over his keys.  
It is not that he doesn't trust Olivia or his children, it is the simple fact that things change quickly and situations are uncontrollable. He still maintains pieces of his old mindset that tell him that he is responsible for all of them and he alone can control the chaos that exists around them.

Elliot reasons that his rationale isn't completely unsound, but he knows it is a way of thinking that doesn't serve him and he is going to have to work on letting go.

His phone rings again in the palm of his hand. "Liv."

"Hey, hi," she greets him. He can tell by the breathless way Olivia is speaking that she is smiling. Without hearing another word, he knows that she is all right. "I just got off the phone with the doctor's office and they said everything came back normal. They said my back is healing well and I'm-" Olivia takes a breath, "Well, you know."

"Yeah. I do," Elliot says. He can't help but grin. "You're okay."  
He can hear the way her breathing catches that she as overwhelmed with gratefulness as he is.

"Yeah, I'm okay," Olivia breathes, "How are you?"  
Elliot laughs. "I love you," he tells her, because that is his answer for everything.  
He hears her response of laughter. "Have you talked to the girls?"

Elliot nods, "Yeah. I just hung up with them."  
"They just called me, too," she says and he can hear tentativeness in her voice. "Liz wanted to check that it was still all right with us that they're coming."

He knows Olivia still clings to whispers of the belief that she is trespassing on his time with his daughters. The irony is not lost on him that his daughters are concerned that they are intruding on his time with her.

No matter how hard he has tried to convince both parties of his wholehearted desire for their joint company, the three of them are still hesitant. He is going to have to let them sort this out for themselves.

"Lizzie is too conscientious for her own good," Elliot says, mildly. "But I wouldn't change anything 'bout her."  
He hears Olivia take a breath and he knows how hard she is trying not to worry. "I told her we couldn't wait to see them and that we're so happy they're coming and-"  
"Liv." He breaks into her monologue when she falls silent, he knows she is listening.

"Everything's gonna be okay," he tells her, gently. He has a steadfast sense of confidence about all of this that he wishes he could impart on each of them. He can almost see Olivia nodding because he knows how much she wants to trust the way that he does.

"Besides, we're celebrating tonight," Elliot says, trying to divert her attention.  
"What?" Olivia asks. He can hear her smile and he knows he has done his job. "What are we celebrating?"  
"Life, family, you name it."  
"El," she says.  
"Liv," he answers, lightly. He is sure she is going to comment on how corny he sounds, but he doesn't mind. Corny or not, he is grateful.  
"I love you," she tells him, earnestly. Olivia lets him go and she surprises him once more.

* * *

Just after six o'clock, Elliot pulls the truck into the driveway. His daughters must have arrived a few hours ago because Lizzie's car is covered in a fresh coating of snow. He will grab her keys and pull her car into the garage in a little while. He steps into the darkened mudroom and is greeted by the most welcome array of sounds.

All three of them are in the kitchen. He can hear the cacophony of pots and plates being passed around. The melody of Olivia's laughter floats over the sweet sound of his daughters' chatter. Heidi must be dancing around waiting to be fed because her feet make the softest sound against the wooden floors.

Elliot leans back against the wall. He knows that he has only seconds of privacy before they realize he is there. He is going to hug all of them in a minute, but right not he wants to savor this. Kathleen's iPod is playing oldies from the living room. _My Girl_ by The Temptations.  
He grins to himself because the song is ridiculously perfect, as if it were made for this moment. He shrugs off his coat and hangs it on the hook near the door.  
Just before he rounds the corner, he pauses and waits for the music.

" _Well, I guess you'd say what can make me feel this way? My girl, my girl, my girl, talkin' 'bout my girl..."_ Elliot croons as he steps into the kitchen. He can't sing for anything and they all know it, but he doesn't care because the look on their faces is priceless.

"Hi!" They all chorus at once before dissolving into a gale of giggles.  
"Hi Dad," Kathleen says, pressing a quick kiss to his cheek and moving off to tend the pot on the stove.

Elliot looks to where Lizzie stands beside Olivia. His daughter isn't looking at him, instead she is beaming at something Olivia has just said. He waits to speak because he doesn't want to disrupt their moment together. He watches them both as though he is seeing them for the first time. He feels like an outsider looking in, but right now it's the most welcome impression.

Kathleen's friendship with Olivia is a remarkable gift, but it is also a blessed given. Not long after she was arrested, Kathleen started to ask him about Olivia. Her genuine curiosity about the woman he called his partner grew until they struck up a friendship. Now, they are wholly bonded. Elliot knows they meet for lunch weekly when Olivia is in the city. He is well aware that Kathleen looks to her as both her mentor and close friend.  
His daughter is also the first person to remind Elliot that for all Olivia may be to both of them, first and foremost, she is human.

Kathleen and Lizzie are foils of each other. Kathleen is open, spirited, and fiercely protective of everyone around her. Lizzie is gentle and thoughtful, with the most sensitive soul that Elliot has ever known. His daughters learn from each other because they both possess within them something that the other needs. Elliot doesn't think he could be prouder of any of his children if he tried.

Now, he watches his youngest daughter standing beside the woman he loves. He wonders if anyone has ever seen the similarities between the two of them that he does at this moment. Olivia may not be Lizzie's mother, but they parallel each other in so many ways. Both are infinitely thoughtful and continually considerate, always looking to give to others before taking care of themselves. It's a trait that worries him for both of their sake, but he wouldn't change their hearts for anything.

Elliot catches the way his daughter is watching him as he surveys the two of them. Lizzie's ocean blue eyes meet his gaze and she smiles.

"C'mere baby," Elliot rumbles and she is in his arms an instant later. It's been far too long since he has seen her. A month, he thinks.  
He knows what it has taken for Elizabeth to be so utterly patient with him while he and Olivia worked to settle in here in Virginia. If he knows his daughter at all, she would have arrived that very first day he brought Olivia home and she would have been a continual help ever since.

Elliot kisses the top of her head. Her blonde hair skims her chin and he brushes it away from her face when she looks up at him.  
"I love you," he tells her, "I missed you, hon."  
He sees the way Lizzie light eyes fill and she nods gratefully against his chest before she turns her head and meets Olivia's eyes.  
"I'm so happy we're here," Lizzie says reaching out to touch Olivia's arm before she moves to help her sister.

Elliot sees how Olivia's gaze follows his youngest daughter. He takes a step forward and touches her waist.  
"Hi," he whispers as he kisses her temple.  
When her dark eyes meet his, he can see they hold an emotion similar to Lizzie's. He knows that Olivia is still taken aback by his children's eager acceptance and admiration. He is aware that his children's love isn't something that either one of them takes for granted and Olivia is just as thankful for his daughters' presence as he is. She smiles at him and squeezes his hand before reaching around him for some plates to set the table.

"We're doing soup and sandwiches, Dad," Kathleen informs him, "Is that okay?"  
Elliot nods. They could be planning on serving Eli's dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets and he would be thrilled. To have all of them together, talking over each other, trading places in his space is a gift he knows he doesn't deserve.

* * *

"Look at her costume! Look at the way the sequins drape over her arm..."  
"Do you know how strong you have to be to do all of that?"  
"I went to high school with a girl who skated and she practiced three times every day. Early in the morning, again in the afternoon, and then once more at night."  
"I can barely stand up on skates let alone do anything that looks like that."  
He hears Olivia's soft laughter. "Me either, Liz."

Elliot is dozing in the recliner to the soft sound of their voices in the living room. Heidi is asleep at his feet. Kathleen is beside Olivia on the couch and Lizzie is curled up in the rocking chair.

"Remember how we went to the rink at Rockefeller Center that one Christmas?"  
"Was that the time Dickie fell and chipped his tooth?"  
"I think so. But didn't Maur take lessons?"  
"For like three weeks, but you were so little. I can't believe you remember that. I think she stopped because they were expensive."  
"Dad was pretty good, though. He played hockey with Dickie on that lake a few times when it froze over. Do you think he remembers?"

"'Course I do," Elliot mumbles, without opening his eyes. He hears Lizzie's laughter punctuated by her yawn.

Elliot sits up and rubs his hand over his face. He doesn't miss the look that his daughters exchange before Kathleen stretches and moves to fold up the blanket she has had draped over her legs.

"I think I'm going to head up to bed," Lizzie says, unfolding herself from the rocking chair.  
"Dad, don't be disappointed. I know how much you love figure skating, but we can watch again tomorrow," Kathleen quips with a smile.

"Damn right, you can ask Liv," Elliot says, nodding to Olivia while trying to keep a straight face. "I watch it every night."

Olivia smiles while Lizzie giggles and Kathleen rolls her eyes at him fondly. He watches as his daughters move toward the kitchen to grab their bags from where they dropped them in the laundry room.

He looks at Olivia and she smiles up at him. Elliot reaches for her and she takes his hand, allowing him to help her to stand. He meets her dark eyes for an instant before she steps forward and leans against him. He kisses the top of her head and her bangs tickle his neck.  
He listens to the sound of his daughters' voices and Olivia's breathing until he feels her stifle a yawn against his shoulder. He rubs his hands lightly over her back and Olivia shivers against him.

"You're giving me goosebumps," she laughs, glancing up at him. He kisses her forehead and Olivia settles into him once more. He doesn't realize that he is swaying, rocking her until she speaks again.

"You're going to put me to sleep right here," she murmurs, pressing her palm to his chest. She doesn't understand that is what he is counting on. He has discovered the most profound sense of peace when he holds her like this, when she lets him hold her. Olivia lifts her head from his shoulder and peeks up at him through the fringe of her bangs. She rests both hands on his chest and leans back to look at him.

"El," she says his name quietly, "I'm going to sleep in Eli's room tonight."  
"What?" Elliot asks, holding onto her waist. He is sure he hasn't heard her correctly. "How come?"  
Olivia glances toward the kitchen where his daughters are still sorting through their bags.  
He follows her gaze and chuckles quietly.  
When she glares up at him, he realizes he wasn't supposed to laugh. Olivia pushes against his chest as if she could possibly extricate herself from his grasp.

"I'm serious," she says.  
"So am I," Elliot deadpans right back to her, still grasping her waist.  
"Liv, what do you think they think we're doing here together? Playing Scrabble?" He keeps his voice low. He is trying to reason with her, but he knows that he is fighting a losing battle. Once Olivia has made up her mind, there isn't anything he can do or say that will sway her.

"I don't know," she whispers, "But they certainly aren't going to get any ideas from me."

Elliot wants to laugh again at the absolute absurdity of this moment.  
They have been sleeping together, yeah. Sleeping. Together. Just sleeping. Olivia has slept beside him every night since the first time he kissed her and he isn't looking forward to climbing into bed alone. She has been hurting from the accident and there is no way in hell he would ever touch her while she is recuperating. He isn't sure he can fall asleep without her beside him anymore. Just as he is pondering whether or not they will both fit in Eli's bottom bunk, Kathleen rounds the corner.

"Did I hear something about Scrabble?" She asks, attempting to keep a straight face.  
Elliot drops his hold on Olivia's waist as she turns to glower at his child.  
"Leen," Elliot shakes his head at his twenty-three year old daughter, waving her toward the stairs. "Go to bed." He is trying for stern, but he can't keep the amusement out of his voice.

When he leaves Olivia in the kitchen, Heidi follows him upstairs. In the hallway, he sees that the girls' room is dark, but the bedside lamp is on in Eli's bedroom. He knocks lightly on the half-open door and peeks inside. His daughters are curled up in his son's bunk beds. Kathleen lies in the top bunk and Lizzie is snuggled in the bottom.

He steps into the room and surveys his daughters. He can't speak because he isn't sure there are words to articulate what he wants to say to them. They moved in here so that Olivia could have the privacy of their bedroom.

"These are cool, Dad. Have you ever slept in here?" Lizzie asks and Elliot nods, waiting a minute before he trusts himself to speak.  
"Sometimes your brother invites me for sleepovers," he tells them.  
Kathleen laughs, "I'd pay big money to see you climb up here."  
Elliot shakes his head and grins at her, "Not a chance."

He wonders how long it has been since he has had two of his daughters under the same roof for the night. He wants to tell them what it means to have both of them here with him, with Olivia. He wants to tell them about how much he appreciates their anticipation of Olivia's needs.  
"Thank you," he says and his girls stare at him.  
"For what, Daddy?" Lizzie asks, propping herself up on her elbow.  
Elliot swallows hard. "You know," he says, "Everything."

* * *

He pulls his t-shirt on before the water from his shower has a chance to dry on his skin. He braces his hands against the cold marble of the counter and focuses on the floor beneath his feet.  
Olivia hasn't come upstairs yet and he is trying to give her a moment alone, while taking one for himself as well.  
There is a growing restlessness in him that he is trying to control. He is trying for patience, for calm.

He is trying not to let the last twenty minutes get the best of him.

He replays their conversation in his mind. The words he and Olivia had exchanged may have been light, but their connotation has significance. Olivia isn't sleeping beside him tonight because his daughters are here.  
Logically, Elliot understands her line of thinking and respects the hell out of her for it. He knows that Olivia has an unwavering regard for his children and she will always put their needs above her own. He does the same thing every moment of every single day as their father.

Something about this is bothering him and he can't quite put his finger on it. He reaches for his toothbrush and looks into the mirror at his reflection. He sees the realization in his own eyes and he knows what has perturbed him so. He is deeply thankful for Olivia's protectiveness, but not at the expense of their future.

He loves Olivia, loves her with every beat of his heart.

His love for her isn't novel or unfamiliar. It isn't something that is going to change in his lifetime. He wants her to know, to truly know. Elliot wants her day in and day out, her good days and her bad. He wants her with a hundred degree fever at three-thirty on a Tuesday morning and holding her hand on Saturday night as she falls asleep on the couch. He wants her laughter to fill the house, her smile to make the sun rise, her eyes to reflect nothing but contentment for the rest of their days. He wants her beneath him in bed, her soft skin sheathed by his own, her lips thoroughly kissed. He wants birthdays, Christmases, and Monday mornings. He wants her to be beside him for every moment of the rest of their lives.

 _Consistency,_ that's the word. He wants to show Olivia that she belongs beside him regardless of his children's presence. Elliot doesn't want her to think that she is some secret that he has to hide. He doesn't want to hide anything anymore.

He wants all of them to get used to this and he wants to start now. This isn't something he wants them to ease into or tip-toe around. This is their new reality. All of them.  
His reality, Olivia's, and his children's reality, as well. What he and Olivia are working to create here isn't a one-time offer. It isn't a fling or a fleeting romance.

It is the most substantial thing he has ever known.

He wants, wants, wants and he knows there lies an inherent danger in desiring too much. It is the downfall of mythic heroes and every day men, alike.  
He wonders if feeling all of this somehow makes him selfish, but he also remembers a span of time a little over a year ago when he didn't want anything. Elliot presses his fingers harder against the counter and concentrates on his own breathing. He will gladly feel need over feeling nothing at all.

Heidi gets up from her place near his feet and ventures into his bedroom. From where he stands he can see the tip of her tail wagging furiously and he knows Olivia has come upstairs. From where he stands, from where he stands... his _perspective_. It's one of Lizzie's favorite words and it hits him squarely in the chest.

He has to shift his perspective, look at this from Olivia's point of view. The woman he loves accepts him for all that he is and all that he is not. This last half hour he has forgotten to do the same thing for her. He has to accept Olivia wholly and entirely. He has to respect her worries, her cautiousness, her careful consideration of all things. He has to recognize that she takes her time and feels her way into things. She doesn't dive-in head first like he does and Elliot thinks that if he let her teach him, he could learn a thing or two.

More than that, he realizes that if situation were reversed that he would have done the exact same thing. If he had been standing with her children in her living room, he would have petitioned for them to have their privacy with her and their normal routine. He would have slept on the living room floor in a sleeping bag just to keep it that way.  
Elliot shakes his head because he understands that for everything that has changed, some things remain as stable as ever. He thinks back to more than twelve years of standing opposite her in interrogation. He moved from the left, she moved from the right.

Their goals are ever the same, but their methods are different.

Olivia makes her way into the bathroom and lightly brushes his back with her fingers. Elliot follows her reflection in the mirror and watches as she perches on the edge of the tub behind him.

She looks at him and the expression on her face tells him that she has discovered his daughters' new sleeping arrangements. Elliot shrugs.  
"I've got nothing to do with that," he promises her, through a mouthful of toothpaste. He sees the way Olivia's shoulders fall when she exhales.

Elliot takes his eyes off of her for a few moments to finish brushing his teeth. When he looks up again, Olivia moves to stand beside him at the sink. She meets his gaze in the mirror.  
"I know," she whispers, nodding. Her eyes are a mix of delicate amusement and thoughtfulness.

He presses a kiss to her temple and Olivia turns into him.  
"Liv, listen," he starts and then he feels her stiffen beneath his touch as if she has just heard something.  
"El," she whispers his name and he hears it, too.

Footsteps. Light, quick, footsteps, moving down the hallway toward them.

"Go," Olivia whispers, pushing him toward the door.

Heidi skitters around his feet and Olivia shepherds his dog into the bathroom with her. Elliot has his bedroom door open before his youngest daughter can knock.

"Lizzie," Elliot says, softly. "You okay?"  
Elizabeth stands before him in her pajamas and a sweatshirt. She shifts nervously on her feet and her nod comes too quickly for it to be entirely honest.

"C'mere sweetheart," he says, wrapping his hand around her arm and guiding her into the room. Elliot watches as she fumbles with her sweatshirt sleeve under his scrutiny. If the last year has taught him anything about how being a father, it is that patience is key. He can't press his daughter for information. He has to trust that she will relay all that she needs to in her own time.  
Elliot sits down on the edge of the bed and motions for her to join him.

He watches over Lizzie's head as Olivia silently opens the bathroom door and attempts to slip out into the hallway with Heidi. Olivia turns to meet his gaze.  
"Is she all right?" She whispers. Her dark eyes are full of concern.

"Stay," Elliot mouths. He wants Olivia to be privy to everything his daughter has to say. He watches as she takes a breath and steps into the hallway. He knows that she doesn't go far though, because Heidi stops just outside his door before retreating back into the room. His dog eyes Lizzie and tilts her head in perplexity before coming to sit at his daughter's feet.

"You wanna talk, hon?" He asks her gently, ducking his head to try and look into her face. Lizzie meets his gaze for an instant before she begins to speak.  
"I'm good, Dad. I'm fine. I'm just- I just wanted to say that I'm happy that everything's okay and I'm happy-" His daughters expressive eyes betray her words as they fill and well over, sending a cascade of tears down her cheeks.

"Lizzie," Elliot whispers, swallowing his own emotion. His daughter looks up at the sound of his voice.  
"Oh no, Daddy. Don't cry," Lizzie holds up her hands, "I didn't mean to make you upset. I just..." She swallows once and tilts her head as she silently debates something.

"I just really wanted to talk to you. I didn't know what to expect coming down here, 'cause I wasn't home the night of the accident. I didn't get to see you, or Liv, or Leen. I just had to listen on the phone when all I wanted to do was be there. I wanted to help so much."

Elliot's chest aches for his daughter's tenderness. This child has always been all heart. He can't imagine the amount of composure it took for her to trust him when he asked her not to drive home.

"I talked to Leen when I got home and she told me everything that you did, from her perspective."

Elliot bows his head. There's the word.  
He looks back up at his daughter because she has more to say. He watches as Lizzie shivers where she stands and he reaches for her, but she shakes her head.

"The thing is, I had this nightmare," she whispers and before she can wrap her arms around herself, Elliot stands and pulls her into his chest.

He _knows._ He knows what her dreams must look like because he has had his fair share of them, too.

He wonders which is worse, having been there at the scene or letting one's fearful imagination run wild. He remembers the accident when Eli was born. He was haunted for months by ghosts of things he never saw, but vividly envisioned. He thinks his daughter has suffered far more than he has because Lizzie has had to take his word for truth without seeing for herself.

He has the benefit of Olivia beside him, the sound of her soft breathing lulling him back to sleep. His daughter has essentially been in the dark for more than a week. He is all too familiar with the tricks that the subconscious mind plays when haunted by anxiety.

"Liz," Elliot rasps, "Tell me."  
He knows that speaking the ghosts into existence is the best way to exorcise them. They won't solely exist running rampant in her head anymore because she will have shone a light into the dark.

"You don't want to know, Dad." Lizzie says, shaking her head through her tears.  
"I do, Lizzie. I've got them too, so I understand, okay? You've gotta talk to me, baby," he tells her, rubbing small circles against her back.

His daughter shakes her head again and Elliot can feel the way she is trembling.  
"We lost her, Dad. Liv. She was gone and I wasn't there. I couldn't help and I was trying to get to you and I couldn't and then we lost you, too." Lizzie pulls back and when she looks at him, her eyes are filled with such palpable anguish that Elliot has to fight to breathe.

"Daddy, you're not all right without Olivia. None of us are. All I could think about was that I never said anything. I never told her that."

Lizzie's tears are soaking his t-shirt and her sobs wrack her body. Elliot tries to breathe through his own tears, but he is sure that his daughter can feel the way his breath hitches and his chest aches. He can't tell Lizzie how close her nightmare came to being reality. His child may be as perceptive as Olivia when it comes to the things he holds back, so he thinks she knows nonetheless.

"Lizzie," he whispers, trying to keep his voice as steady as possible. "I love you so much. I'm not going anywhere. Liv isn't going anywhere. Everything's gonna be okay, baby."  
He kisses the top of her head and he feels her slight nod against his shoulder. Lizzie's sobs are quieting and Elliot feels relief wash over him because he thinks she might be listening to what he is saying.

His daughter coughs and wipes her tears on the sleeve of her sweatshirt before she eases out of his arms and looks up at him. She tries to take a breath and it seems to help her decide because she nods as if committing to what she wants to say. Elliot watches her and in this moment, Lizzie looks older than her nineteen years. It is as though her chronological age has caught up with her ancient soul.

"Do you think you could go get Liv for me?" She asks. Her question is stunning and Elliot is sure he will never forget the way his daughter's voice sounds in this moment for as long as he lives. In her gentle and profound way, he knows his child is about to give Olivia more than he thinks he ever could. His vision of his daughter is blurring before him and it takes a minute before he can move.

Lizzie worries her bottom lip and speaks again, hesitantly this time as if she has thought better of her request.  
"I don't want to wake her up," she whispers.  
"She's not sleeping, honey," Elliot says, softly.  
"How do you know?" Lizzie asks with such genuine curiosity that he feels the corner of his mouth lift. He presses a kiss to her forehead.  
"I'll be right back," he tells her.

Olivia stands against the wall with her arms wrapped around herself as if she has come apart and hastily put herself back together again. In the dim glow from Eli's nightlight, Elliot can see the wetness on her face. He meets her brown eyes in the dark and Olivia nods as if she can read the question he hasn't yet asked her in his eyes. He slips his hands against her waist and kisses her cheek.

"I don't know if I can hold it together," Olivia whispers, haltingly.  
"You don't have to," Elliot replies, earnestly. "I'm gonna hold you."

She won't be alone because he will be right beside her. He wants her to know that he is just as shaken by every moment of this as she is. Olivia draws a breath and when she leans up and kisses him lightly, he can feel the way her hands tremble against his arms.

"Everything's gonna be okay," Elliot repeats and her eyes widen at the conviction she hears in his voice. She nods again before reaching for his hand. She lets him lead her back into his bedroom where his daughter waits.

Lizzie stands near the window, her fingers pressed against the cold sill. Elliot thinks she looks almost nervous as she glances up toward him and then Olivia.

"Hi Liv," she says, quietly.  
"Lizzie honey," Olivia starts, but Elizabeth is already shaking her head.  
"Can you guys sit down?" She asks, gently.

Elliot reaches forward and squeezes Lizzie's hand before he sits down on the bed. Olivia settles herself beside him, sitting on her right leg while her left dangles over the edge of the bed. Her knee presses against his thigh.

They both look toward his daughter at the same moment and Lizzie gives them the smallest smile. She takes a breath and then she begins.

"Liv," she says gently and Elliot thinks that three pairs of eyes fill at the mention of her name. Lizzie's fair skin blushes crimson and he watches as his child fights to keep her eyes on Olivia.

"Did you...did you hear everything I said?" She asks, timidly.  
Elliot catches Olivia's glance at him before he brushes her knee with his hand and she nods.

Lizzie exhales and visibly relaxes in the way she stands. "Okay," she whispers, more to herself than to anyone else.

"You know I was away when you were in the accident. I couldn't get home to see you and I was so scared. I couldn't even think about it because I know what would have happened to all of us if something had happened to you, Liv. If we had lost you, we would have lost everything."

"Lizzie," Olivia chokes, shaking her head. Elliot slips his arm around her waist, pulling her closer to himself. He lets Lizzie continue only because he knows how important it is that Olivia hear everything his daughter has to tell her.

"No, please. You have to listen. Both of you," Lizzie says and for a moment she sounds indistinguishable from Kathleen. His daughter brushes at her wet cheeks and furrows her brow as she surveys them.

"You've done so much for us, Liv. Leen and I talk all the time. She tells me everything, so I know how you were there for her when no one else could be."

Elliot listens to Lizzie's words, but his vision of her in front of him fades.  
For a moment, he is back in Riverside Park, pulling Kathleen from a swing and taking her home. He is in the hospital watching the doctors pump her stomach. He is walking through the sand outside his mother's home on Long Beach Island, pleading with her to help him, to help his daughter. He is in the courtroom with his cheek stinging from the force of Kathy's hand.  
He is in the cribs sitting across from Olivia... _I'm through the looking glass here, Liv...  
_ And now, now they are here. Elliot doesn't realize that he is clenching his fist against Olivia's hip until she touches his hand, bringing him back beside her.

He is sure she can feel the tension in his body and he forces himself to focus on the sound of Lizzie's voice. He was in the dark for the longest time, but he knows the truth now because Kathleen has told him. He knows how Olivia moved Heaven and Earth to save his daughter.

He has to remain in the moment because Lizzie continues to speak.

"I'm sure Dad owes you his life a hundred times over. I know the only reason he's here at all is because you had his back for all those years.

Lizzie takes a shuddering breath and Elliot can see from the way her eyes soften that she has reached the point she has most wanted to get across.

"You're not going to want to hear this, but you have to," she explains, calmly. Elliot watches as his daughter's light eyes travel between he and Olivia.

"When Eli was born," Lizzie starts. Elliot feels himself let go of a breath he didn't realize he was holding, as Olivia does the opposite and inhales sharply.  
This is another day they've never spoken about. Every moment of which is indelibly etched into their minds.  
His child remembers all of this.  
Tonight, Lizzie will be the one who will bring about a sort of cautious closure to these moments that still remain all too distinct in their memories.

"When Eli was born," Lizzie repeats, "You kept he and Mom alive. By the time Dickie and I got to the hospital, you had already left." Lizzie shakes her head and she doesn't bother to wipe away the tears tumbling down her cheeks. "You disappeared before anybody got the chance to say anything, before I got to thank you."  
His daughter is watching Olivia intently and she waves her words away before Olivia can speak.

"I know you don't like to be thanked," Lizzie says, imploringly. "I know you don't want to take credit for any of this because you're just like Dad," she motions toward him, "But you have to know that our family doesn't exist without you. When I heard about the accident, all I could think was that I never got to say any of this. I never got to thank you or tell you what you mean to me."

Elliot feels Olivia lean against him as her tears spill over. Lizzie chokes on her words and takes a moment to compose herself once more.

"When Leen told me you were coming home with Dad, I was so happy. I would have come down right away, but I knew you needed time. Leen kept telling me to wait a week and then we'll go." She gives half of a laugh. "It was the longest week of my life because I was so worried. I wanted you to know so many things and I wanted everything to be okay."

Lizzie takes a deep breath. There is a visible lightness in his daughter that Elliot is certain did not exist only minutes ago. Silence, he knows, has never saved anyone.

"But now I'm here and I'm sure about everything. I didn't know what I was walking into when I got here this afternoon, but I didn't expect all of this. You guys are so good and I'm so happy. It's...It all just feels like the biggest blessing."

Lizzie tilts her head as she watches them before she gives them the smallest smile. She shakes her head at the way they are sitting before she starts to speak.

"One more thing. Everyone knows you're two of the most honest people in the world and nothing ever happened while Dad and Mom were married. I want you both to stop feeling like you have to protect us from the fact that you love each other. If there's one thing I'd want my kids to understand, it would be that."

They sit motionless in their overwhelmed silence until Lizzie gives an uncharacteristically exasperated sigh. "For God's sake, please hug her or something, Dad."

Elliot takes in Olivia's look of wide-eyed gratefulness before he buries his stunned grin against the top of her head and kisses her there.


	22. Chapter 22

**Author's Note:** Thank you all so much for taking the time to read and to leave me such incredible feedback. I never imagined that this story would draw so many readers and I know I say it every time, but I'm so grateful for every one of you.

* * *

12:32am.

Elliot exhales roughly and rubs his hand over his face. He tilts his head to the left, toward the empty space where Olivia should be.  
He sits up slowly and plants his feet on the wooden floor. Heidi sleeps at the foot of the bed and Elliot ghosts his fingers through her soft fur. He closes the door behind him when he leaves because he knows that once his dog discovers his absence, she is going to want to perform a search and rescue operation to find him. He doesn't want her to disturb the girls.

By the light from Eli's nightlight, Elliot sees that Olivia's bedroom door is open and that she isn't in bed.  
He isn't surprised. Their sleeping patterns have always been in sync.

He pauses outside of Eli's bedroom listens for the tell-tale sign that Lizzie might still be awake...the rustling pages of a book.  
All is silent and still.

Elliot makes his way downstairs. He grasps the banister and skips the creaky fourth step from the top because he knows the sound could wake the dead. The living room is dark, but the kitchen is lit with the soft glow of the light above the stove. He moves quietly toward the table.

Olivia is curled up on the window seat, her head resting against the wall behind her. For a moment, he thinks that she might be asleep.  
He takes a step closer and her eyes meet his in the dark.

"Hi," she whispers.  
There is the softest light reflecting off the snow outside that illuminates Olivia's face as he watches her. Her hair is swept to the side so that it gathers and skims the top of her right shoulder. The bruise to her jaw is healing, leaving only the lightest purple tinge.

Olivia's legs are tucked close to her chest and in the space between her thighs and her stomach rests a pint of ice cream. He gives a soft laugh which she answers with her own. She dips her spoon into the container and holds it up for him to have. Elliot takes it from her hand and swallows the cold mint ice cream before he settles the spoon back into the pint.

"It's a little early for breakfast," he jokes quietly and Olivia smiles.  
"It helps me think," she whispers.

He grabs a chair from the table and turns it around so that he can sit facing her before he reaches for the spoon once more. If ice cream helps her to think at a quarter to one in the morning, then he is sure there has got to be something to it.

Elliot can feel her gaze on him as he takes another spoonful of ice cream. Olivia reaches out and touches his wrist.

"You didn't tell me you were having nightmares," she says, softly.  
Elliot shakes his head.  
He wants to tell her that he is fine, that the nightmares are fading, that they aren't anything he can't handle, but all of that has such a ring of their former life to it that he remains silent.

"Lizzie," Olivia starts again.  
"Will be fine," Elliot interjects. He knows the direction of this conversation now and he won't allow her to blame herself for anything.  
"My kid had a nightmare. Do you know what that means 'bout her? It means she feels things. She cares. She's always been that way, Liv, from the time she was born. She's always been the most thoughtful kid."

Elliot can feel Olivia's gaze on his face as he leans back against the chair and studies the silhouette of the trees on the snow. He knows she will not wholeheartedly believe what he has told her about his daughter until he gives her a concrete example.

There is a story he wants to relay that he doesn't think he has ever shared with anyone. The memory lives in his head as clearly as if it happened yesterday.  
Looking back, he realizes it is the most definitive link he has to his first glimpse of Lizzie's unfailingly tender heart. He takes a deep breath and keeps his gaze trained on the snow outside as he begins to speak.

"I remember this one time when the twins were 'bout three. I was standing at the kitchen sink, watching Dickie send his Hot Wheels cars back and forth across the table when I heard Lizzie start to cry. She was right in the living room and I went over and there she was, staring at the TV."

He shakes his head at the clarity of the memory and continues speaking.

"There was this nature show on and they were talking about this manatee who got separated from its mother when it got hit by a boat propeller. There's my three year old, standing in the middle of the floor, bawling. God, I remember my heart was pounding so fast 'cause I didn't know what to do. So I picked her up and I just held her. She was shaking and crying." Elliot worries his bottom lip because even sixteen years he remembers as though it happened only moments ago.

"I sat down on the couch with her in the arms and I could feel how fast her heart was beating against my hand. I asked her what was wrong and she starts telling me about the baby manatee. My three year old," he says in quiet awe, rubbing his palm against his jaw.

"My son was in the kitchen, crashing Hot Wheel cars into the cabinets. Maureen was upstairs on the phone talking to the same friends she saw fifteen minutes ago, when she got off the school bus. Kathy was trying to get Leen to come in from playing out in the back yard. And my youngest daughter was bawling because a manatee got hurt on TV."

Olivia sits completely still and he knows if he couldn't see the soft light reflecting in her eyes that he would think she had fallen asleep.

"See, nobody ever would have noticed that, except for Lizzie. That's how she is, Liv. She was sitting on my lap and I reached for the remote to the turn the TV off, but she kept shaking her head, telling me no. She turned around to look at the screen and I asked her. I said Lizzie, if it's making you sad, I wanna turn it off. She looked at me, Liv and she said the most amazing thing. She said _No, Daddy. I wanna see him be okay_."

Elliot takes a deep breath and leans forward, pressing his palms against his sweat pant clad thighs.

"You know I started praying for that damn manatee to pull through for my kid's sake. Lizzie was standing up in front of me. She was holding onto my jeans with her little hands and I was watching her. I'm watching her little shoulders shake 'cause she was worried, but she had to see. She had to see it through to the end to make sure. She had faith that everything was gonna be okay and God, Liv. She was right." Elliot shakes his head in quiet amazement.

"They showed this wildlife rescue team and how they worked to get him rehabilitated before they released him back into the water. Ten seconds after he's in the water, the mother manatee swims over to see her baby. Lizzie turned to me with those giant eyes and she reached for me to pick her up again and I did. She was still crying and I kept telling her that everything was okay and that the baby was safe and with his Mommy. She looked up at me and she put her little hand on my shoulder and she said _Okay, Daddy. It's okay._ Like she was reassuring me," Elliot exhales quietly at the memory. "I was sitting there holding her and that was the first time I remember thinking that she was the most sensitive kid in the world."

"I used to worry so much 'cause I thought that her being sensitive would be taken for some sort of weakness. I thought caring meant giving too much of herself to people and that scared the shit out of me. I was scared for her till I moved down here, Liv. I started thinking and I realized it wasn't Lizzie who had to change, it was me," he says, motioning toward his chest.

"One of her favorite words is perspective. She said it two hours ago, upstairs. _That's_ what I had to change, my perspective, the way I look at my kid. Now, I know that her willingness to feel things makes her brave, Liv. If a day came when she didn't care, then I'd be terrified. She wouldn't be herself. I can't take it from her, Liv. It's all part of who she is. It's part of what makes her an amazing kid."

Elliot bows his head for a moment because he wonders how much longer he can get away with calling her that. Lizzie will forever be his youngest daughter, but she is no longer a child. Her birthday is coming up. He knows now that her gentleness isn't something that she will grow out of, nor something he would ever want her to lose.

He takes a deep breath and goes back to Olivia's original query.

"So yeah, my daughter. She cares about everything. You and me and everything. We've both had our fair share of nightmares 'bout losing you, but we love you and that's what happens when you love someone."

He feels Olivia reaching for his hand as if she knows exactly what is going through his mind.

"I was watching the two of you tonight," he tells her, "Watching the way she looks at you and it hit me that you're a lot alike."  
Olivia gives a soft laugh.  
"You are," Elliot smiles. "You both care so much and you're cautious 'bout everything you do. My daughter...she'll be twenty soon and I thought if there's anybody I want in her life for her to emulate, it would be you."

Olivia's dark eyes are full and Elliot watches as she reaches toward him and she runs her fingertips along the stubble of his jaw. He sees how her gaze falls to his mouth and he can't help the way his lips quirk upward. Olivia laughs and ducks her head in embarrassment at having been caught.  
He wonders if she knows that all he does is stare at her.  
He stands up and leans over her, bracing his left hand against the wall above her and his right on the cushion of the window seat near her hip. He presses kisses to the top of her head.

"Never asked you how you were feeling today," he whispers, "How's your head?"

Olivia looks up at him and nods.  
"It doesn't hurt," she replies, quietly. She tilts her head and Elliot lightly kisses her temple, the rise of her cheek bone, the fading bruise at her jaw. He moves to her neck, kissing the soft skin just below her ear.  
He feels Olivia's fingers pressing against his forearm, pulling him closer to her. Her lips skim his shoulder and he silently curses the light fabric of his t-shirt.  
"El," she nods right before she leans forward and he captures her mouth with his own.

Olivia breathes in as Elliot lets himself exhale. He has never experienced anything like kissing her.  
Olivia's lips are perfect, soft, and full. Elliot tilts his head to kiss her more fully and he feels the way her fingers trace his upper arm. He moves his left hand from its position against the wall to just above her shoulder.  
He slides his right hand up toward her waist.

He almost wants to laugh because he can't have it both ways. He wants her to be warm, but right now the bulk of her sweater is preventing him from touching her the way he wants to. He wants the heavy cotton that swallows her gone, so that he can cover her body with his own.

He feels Olivia's fingers clench around the fabric of his t-shirt, urging him closer. Elliot slips his hand beneath the hem of her sweater and the tips of his fingers meet the soft skin of her waist. Olivia gasps against him and his tongue touches her parted lips before she draws him into her mouth.  
 _God._  
He wants her. He wants her right now. The window seat she sits upon will work. The table, the couch, the surface of the stairs all seem like viable options in this moment.  
 _  
No._

He is lying to himself because he knows he would never let it happen this way. _  
_He wants her upstairs in his bed. He wants to pull this damn sweater up and over her head. He wants to lay her down on the white sheets and press his mouth to every inch of her golden skin.

He clenches his jaw because it's all too much, too soon, but not soon enough. He is aching and the tips of his fingers are burning from the lightest brush of her bare skin.

 _It's too much._

Olivia breaks away from his kiss and inhales sharply.  
Elliot withdraws his hand from beneath her sweater and he braces his palm against the cushion she sits upon. He presses his mouth to her forehead, trying to catch his breath, to calm down. The urge to laugh mirthlessly rears again because he knows that he will never be able to touch her enough.  
He wants her desperately, but this isn't fair to either one of them.

"Liv," he breathes against the fringe of her bangs. He _can't._ They _can't.  
_ "We can't," she whispers.  
Elliot shakes his head and Olivia bites down hard on her bottom lip.  
"It's okay. The girls," she whispers, by way of an explanation.  
He nods against her, kissing her forehead once more.

Olivia looks down at her lap and he watches the way her shoulders rise and fall as she tries to slow her breathing. Her fingers fiddle with the spoon sunk deeply into the pint of ice cream.  
She absently takes a mouthful and peeks up at him.  
Elliot ducks his head and kisses her again. Her lips are cold and he can taste the mint. Olivia laughs breathlessly against him and presses her palm to his chest as she brings her feet to rest on the floor. He watches as she stifles a yawn into her palm and stands, offering him the container of ice cream that she holds. He takes it from her and he feels her fingertips brush his hand.

"Love you," he tells her, surprised that he can speak at all.

Olivia nods and she doesn't have to say anything because he can see the response in her eyes.  
He doesn't like to think about how long she has gone without anyone telling her what she means to them. He aims to make up for all of that lost time for the rest of their lives.  
Elliot sits down onto the cushion of the window seat and watches as Olivia silently makes her way through the living room and upstairs. He doesn't hear the noisy fourth step from the top and he grins to himself because she already knows to skip it.

In the blink of an eye it seems, Olivia has seamlessly adjusted to life with him. Even just now, three minutes ago, he thinks back to the words she just said.  
 _It's okay. The girls._  
She knows that the only reason he isn't taking her to bed right now is because his daughters are asleep three rooms away. She isn't worrying or blaming herself for anything and that thought alone makes this moment monumental in its own right.

He doesn't think that he could be prouder of her if he tried.

He knows that it is a lot for anyone to take in, but it must be especially difficult for her. He knows that Olivia has never had so many of the things that he used to take for granted.  
Elliot wonders about the absolute amount of belief she must have in him to allow herself to stay.  
He knows that no one has ever looked at him the way that she does. She is the only person in the world who can simultaneously make him feel wholly capable and utterly dependent all at once.

Lizzie is correct when she says that he isn't all right without Olivia.

He isn't sure what he did properly in this life to be entrusted with her, but he prays for the strength to be everything she could ever need. He knows how deeply their old lives are ingrained inside of each of them and those wounds don't heal overnight. But now he knows about the magic of time, the healing ability of the early morning air, the peace brought by the dying light of dusk.

Now, he wants so much more for her, for both of them. He wants her to stay.

He is already dreading the day when Cragen will call and ask her when she is planning on coming back to work.  
He wants to show her how fully she belongs here.  
Her place in the world is no longer in the stagnant squad room, but right beside him. There are so many things he wants to show her, so many things he wants her to know. There are millions of things he wants to give to her, that he wants her to experience. It's just a bonus that he is the lucky guy who gets to hold her hand.

He is addicted to the sweetest expression that plays across Olivia's beautiful face when she discovers something she hadn't known before.  
He has only seen it a handful of times over the years.  
She would say something and he would reply and somehow by the grace of God, his words would hold both the truth and exactly what she needed to hear at the same time. She would look at him with the deepest sense of confidence that would render him speechless for the rest of the day.

Now, he is thoroughly devoting himself to make sure he sees this expression play across her features as often as he can.

Elliot knows that there are a thousand changes that are to come. He doesn't want them running from the approaching tide, but to stand in the wake beside her.  
Rationally, he knows that she will have to go back to work, but he is going to make sure that when she comes home it won't be to her apartment in Manhattan.

He has every intention of getting down on his knees and asking her to marry him. He wants her to know how permanent they are. His love for her is the most stable and enduring thing he has ever known.

For much longer than he is able to admit, he has thought about what she might say if he asked. He always thought that she would dismiss his idea as crazy, conventional, or cliche, but he can't rid himself of the thought of calling her his wife.

This last year has solidified the idea in him and given him hope where none had previously existed.

Lying in bed, listening to her voice on the phone night after night. Her stories, her triumphs, the job's inevitable defeats has given him just enough courage to think that she might want to spend the rest of her life beside him, too.  
Coming so close losing her has only made his desire to marry her stronger. He wants to be with her. He wants her to know that she _has_ him for always.

Now...now Olivia seems to be at home in his home, with him. He loves her and she knows it.  
By some indescribable miracle, she loves him, too. She has let him kiss her, touch her and that in itself is more than he has ever dreamed of.

More importantly, Olivia has kissed him. She has sought him out to touch and to hold. She isn't afraid of him and he could not be more grateful because it means that she isn't afraid of what they are and what they can be together.

He remembers a time when he thought he would always be trying to chase after Olivia. He realizes now that the anxieties that caused her to run had so much more to do with the people the job had forced them to become, than who they truly are.

 _This_ is who they are. Listening to the stories of his children, following Heidi through the snow, kissing ice cream from her lips in the silence of the kitchen in the early hours of the morning. Elliot almost feels lightheaded because the reality of this is such a dramatic reprieve from the life they lead for so long.

He says a silent prayer of thanks and smiles to himself as he puts the melting ice cream container back into the freezer and makes his way upstairs to bed.

* * *

Heidi follows him downstairs and into the kitchen. Olivia sits on one of the stools beside the counter as Kathleen flits around the space as though she is on one of those cooking shows.

"I have to be there by one, but it starts at two."

Elliot stands against the counter and tries to catch the flow of the conversation.

"Graduation," Kathleen explains when she sees the look on his face.  
"Saturday, May 11th at two o'clock," Elliot rattles off.  
He has had the date memorized since last September when Kathleen had called him with the details. He watches as his daughter exchanges a flustered smile with Olivia before she leans over and briefly rests her head against his shoulder.

Kathleen meets his eyes and then Olivia's.

"The thing is it's going to be kind of long. It starts at two and it should be over by four. They keep everybody moving pretty fast, but the class is big so it might take a little longer." She sinks in her stance and grimaces apologetically.

"Leen," Olivia starts, "We wouldn't miss this for the world."

Kathleen smiles gratefully. "Better late then never, I guess," she shrugs as she turns her attention back to the lunch she is crafting.

"Hey," Elliot grasps her arm, "It's an amazing accomplishment. Doesn't matter how long it takes."  
"Contrary to what everybody thinks, there isn't a timetable," Olivia reminds her, gently. "You know that better than anyone."  
Elliot watches as she moves to stand beside him.

"You guys are really smart," Kathleen says with a smile.

Elliot shakes his head. "It's not about being smart, hon."  
Olivia nods and picks up where he left off. "Your Dad's right. It's more about experience. Life throws things at you and you learn how to handle yourself in so many different situations. You grow and mature and you figure out who you are and what you really want out of life."

Kathleen glances at both of them in quiet gratitude before she looks back down at the cutting board she is working with.

She slides her plate across the counter top to the empty space in front of the vacant stool. She doesn't sit down immediately.  
Instead, she turns around and makes her way toward the sun room at the back of the house where he knows Lizzie is napping. He watches as Kathleen takes a extra blanket from the couch and uses it to cover her sleeping sister. He can feel Olivia's gaze following his own and he reaches for her hand.

He feels the way Olivia's fingers tense against his own and he knows it is a habitual movement, born of more than a dozen years of restricting their touch. She expels a breathy laugh when she realizes what she has done.  
"Sorry," she whispers, brushing her bangs away from her eyes in embarrassment. Elliot pulls her closer and kisses her temple.

Kathleen sits down across from them at the counter.  
"You talked to Liz last night, didn't you?" She asks. Her light eyes search their faces as she absently breaks off a piece of her sandwich for Heidi.  
Elliot nods in acknowledgement as he rubs his thumb across Olivia's fingers.

His daughter glances toward the sun room. "Whatever you told her must have helped because she's sleeping like a baby."

Elliot shakes his head and meets Olivia's eyes. "Liz did most of the talking, actually," he replies.  
Kathleen gives them a knowing smile.  
"I know she had a lot that she wanted to tell you," she says, taking a bite of her sandwich and wiping her mouth with a napkin before she surveys them again.

"Can I talk to you guys about something?" She asks, sweeping her hair up into a ponytail. Elliot watches his daughter as she sits before them.

She is twenty-three. Kind, beautiful, intelligent, gutsy, and alive. In four months, she will do something she previously thought impossible.  
She will graduate from college.  
Drug abuse stole a year from her university career and almost took her away from him forever.

Elliot has accepted that he will never be able to forgive himself for brushing off her erratic behavior instead of seeing it for what it was, a cry for help.  
He wonders if he knew all along about her bi-polar diagnosis, but was simply too petrified to recognize it for what it was. Elliot knows that she sees a therapist every week, she earns her way onto the Dean's List every semester, and takes her medication. He also knows that she struggles with her illness every single day.  
As her father, he would give anything to take it away from her. His daughter is the bravest person he has ever known.

Her blue eyes are wide and Elliot realizes that she is waiting for his answer.  
"Shoot, sweetheart," he says, glancing at Olivia.

Kathleen rests her elbow on the counter beside her plate and leans forward as she begins to speak

"I know I haven't said much about the accident because I've been doing a lot of thinking. I know it's weird not to hear me talk twenty-four seven, but I wanted to make sure I had some things figured out before I came to you guys. You know what you just said about growing up and learning how to handle different situations, Liv? That's where I am right now," Kathleen says, lightly. "These past two weeks have changed my life. I've grown up more in the last couple of days than in the last four years combined."

Elliot feels the light press of Olivia's palm against his shoulder. For a moment he forgets how close she is, how she can feel the way his body tenses when his daughter talks like this.

Kathleen's gaze travels from Olivia's eyes to his own and the color of her irises changes like the sea. She takes a shallow but determined breath.  
"Dad," she says, "you're not going to like what I have to say, but just hear me out, okay?"

"Leen," Elliot begins because he can't stay silent when he isn't sure what is coming.

"Just please don't get upset with me," Kathleen begs, holding up her hands defensively.

"I've never been..." Elliot bows his head and tries to focus on the blurring wood of the floorboards beneath his feet. If she thinks...If his child thinks that he has blamed her for something all of these years...

He has _never_ been angry with her. He has raged at himself for all the years he wasted in getting her the help she needed. He has raged at the cards she has been dealt and at the family history that exists solely because of him. He is her father and he is supposed to protect her, but he almost lost her to herself. He bites down hard on his bottom lip as he looks back up at her.

"I've never been upset with you," he rasps. His voice is so low that his throat aches, but it is vital that she understand.

By some miracle, his daughter accepts his words and she nods. Her gaze is fixed on Olivia now and his daughter must find the reassurance she needs in Olivia's eyes because she continues to speak.

"When I was using drugs, I was looking for oblivion. I was constantly trying to numb myself because everything I felt was too much. I need you to know that after I got clean, I have never ever regretted it." Kathleen's eyes are clear and wide as if she is trying to impress upon them the seriousness of what she is about to say.

"On the night of the accident, after I dropped Dad off at the Emergency Room, I pulled into the parking lot and I got out of the truck. I was shaking so hard that I couldn't even hold my phone. I dropped it in the snow twice," she says, shaking her head at the memory.

"I thought we were going to lose you, Liv and I don't know if I've ever been that afraid in my whole life." Kathleen reaches across the counter top and takes Olivia's hand.

"I've never wanted to go back to that place I went to when I was using drugs, but that night I _wanted_ to be numb. I thought everything was falling apart and I didn't want to feel a minute of it. I didn't think I could handle walking into the hospital and seeing...anything." She exhales slowly and takes the next breath that comes.

"I was praying that I would just pass out. I was praying that everything would just go blank so I wouldn't have to feel. I was standing out there in the snow, trying to figure out what the fuck I was supposed to do, when I heard something...this tapping sound. I turned around," Kathleen's voice breaks and she brushes her wet cheeks with her fingers, "And there's Eli. He was pressing his little hand against the window of the back seat, trying to get my attention. I looked at him and the only thing I could think of was how I couldn't let him be afraid, not like I was. I thought about the person my baby brother needed me to be that night and I became her."

"I called Dickie, then Mom and Maur and I tried to tell them what happened. Eli sat in my lap in the back of the truck until they all came. I couldn't stop crying, but he never started. He didn't understand what was going on, thankfully, but he kept telling me it was all going to be okay. He asked me if I wanted to sing because Lizzie sings to him when he's afraid and he told me it helps him." Kathleen's lips tilt upward at the memory.

"So, my baby brother starts singing _My Favorite Things_ from The Sound of Music and I just kept bawling because I realized that's what I would have missed if I had been numb. If I weren't present, if I wasn't here. I would have missed Eli singing to me. His little voice, the way he talks with his hands, the way he makes that face and he looks exactly like you, Dad." She gives a watery laugh.

"If I had been numb, I would have missed so much. I just kept thinking about you, Liv and praying so hard for you to pull through. I kept thinking you had to because you couldn't miss this."

Elliot feels Olivia take a breath against him and the sound reminds him to do the same. He can't look at either one of them, but he knows Olivia must be crying from the way her breathing hitches and the warmth of her palm stills against his back.  
He keeps his steadily blurring vision fixed on the counter top where their joined hands rest. Olivia holds onto his daughter and Kathleen reaches out for her. Olivia is the anchor. She is the priceless link to his beautiful child.

"Leen," Olivia whispers because somehow she knows that he can't speak. His daughter shakes her head before she continues.

"I know that a lot has changed already and things are only going to keep changing. Things are going really well for all of us. I mean, I'm going to graduate. Like who ever thought that was going to happen?" Kathleen sees the matching look on their faces and she waves her hands.  
"I'm kidding, I'm kidding!" She says with a smile.

"Before the accident, I wasn't sure about a lot of things, but now I am. I have a more confidence in myself and I'm not scared anymore. I was anxious about graduating because all I could see was the end. Then the accident happened and I thought...I thought everything had ended. I'm pretty sure near death experiences mess with your head because I was so wrapped up in all of that that I forgot what comes next." Kathleen's light eyes sparkle as she takes them both in.

Elliot isn't sure that his heart is still beating, but he can feel Olivia's pounding against his forearm. He isn't sure if either one of them is still standing on their own, or if they are both supporting each other.

In the instant before his full eyes render him blind, he watches Kathleen as she speak once more.

"What inevitably comes after the end?" She asks quietly, squeezing Olivia's hand.  
"The beginning," Olivia whispers and Kathleen's smile is radiant when she nods.


	23. Chapter 23

**Author's Note:** Thank you all so much (as ever) for your interest in this story. I am so humbled and grateful that you continue to enjoy. Please note that with the next chapter, I will be changing the rating from **T** to **M** , in case this impacts anyone. I wanted to give you a heads up.

This chapter was written to a beautiful song called "Avalanches" by A Fine Frenzy. It is available on youtube if you care to listen. Thank you again!

* * *

He can't stop grinning. He can hear the sound of the girls' laughter and it's the perfect kind of joy that once someone starts to giggle, everyone else follows suit.

Elliot pulls his coat on and makes his way toward the sun room. Olivia rests against the door frame facing the girls. He touches her back lightly as he moves to stand beside her. She is full of latent laughter and she grasps his arm as she tries to catch her breath.

"Hey," he says, grinning as he tries to get his daughters' attention. Kathleen has been telling a story that has both her sister and Olivia in stitches. He has obviously missed the punchline, but that doesn't stop him from being amused.  
Heidi is curled up on the couch against Kathleen's legs and Lizzie sits on a pile of pillows in the middle of the floor.

"Sit with us, Dad," Lizzie urges breathlessly, waving him into the room. Elliot shakes his head and glances at Olivia.  
"I will when I come back, hon," he tells her, "I'm gonna go put some gasoline in your car, so you have a full tank for the drive."  
Heidi slips down from her place against Kathleen and stretches on the floor before she comes to stand beside him.  
He is certain she knows he is going for a car ride. Elliot grins and reaches down to run his hand over Heidi's soft fur.

"Thanks Dad. My keys are right on the-" Lizzie starts as Elliot pulls them from his pocket.  
"Got them," he tells her before he steps into the room and presses kisses to the tops of each of his daughters' heads. He turns to meet Olivia's eyes and she nods. He touches her waist before he kisses her forehead.

"Love you," he tells all three of them. He knows they have all come to a mutual understanding about the fragility of life and how quickly status quo can shift. He wants them all to know how much they mean to him.  
"Be right back," he says, touching Olivia's hand.

Heidi follows him back through the house and she waits patiently as he laces his boots in the mudroom. Her tail thumps loudly against the door and Elliot grins at her.  
"C'mon baby," he says, letting her lead him out into the garage. He opens the garage door and Heidi flies out into the yard, sniffing around in the new snow. The instant he has the driver's side door open, his dog is there, jumping into the front seat.

"Good girl," Elliot says, "This is easier for you, huh?"  
Lizzie's car is lower to the ground than his truck and it doesn't require Heidi's usually running start. She settles herself into the passenger seat and stares at him pointedly as if waiting for him to turn on the ignition. He laughs, and kisses her soft head as he starts the car and backs slowly out of the garage.

Movement catches his eye and he looks up just in time to see Lizzie step through the door. She waves her index finger at him, motioning for him to wait a moment. Elliot rolls down the window and she hurries toward him.

When her light eyes meet his, she smiles. "I'm glad I caught you," she says, "Can I come with you?"

Elliot drops his hands from their slack hold on the steering wheel and gazes at her. There are snowflakes adoring Lizzie's blonde air and the light from the setting sun behind her makes her look angelic. This child, his child wants to be with him and there aren't words to describe the gratitude he feels.  
"Yeah," he says, his voice low. "You can come with me."

Elliot puts the car into park and turns to his right, reaching into the back and patting the seat with his palm.  
"C'mon Heidi, back here," he whispers. Heidi gives him a look he swears she has picked up from Olivia, before she reluctantly climbs into the rear seat.  
Lizzie opens the passenger side door.  
"I can sit in the back, Dad. Hei doesn't have to move," she says. Elliot leans over and reaches across the car for her hand.

"No way," he says, "You're my kid. You're sitting up front."  
Lizzie smiles and settles herself into the passenger seat beside him. He watches his daughter as she arranges her scarf around her neck and brushes her breeze-tossed hair behind her ear.  
"What's wrong?" She asks, when she catches him staring. Elliot shakes his head. There has to be a way to convey to her what it means to have her beside him.  
"Nothing's wrong. I'm just happy to have you," he tells her, simply. Lizzie smiles and her eyes reflect the soft glow from the snow.  
They ride in silence for a few minutes. Elliot feels Heidi lean forward and lay her head on his shoulder from the back seat and Lizzie laughs as she reaches back to pet her.

"I'm glad I got to talk to you and Liv last night," she says, tucking her boot-clad feet up onto the seat and pulling her knees in toward her chest. Elliot slows the car to a stop at a red light and glances at her.  
"Me too," he replies, nodding gratefully. He reaches across the seat and touches her shoulder.

Elliot turns his focus back to the road, but he can feel his daughter's cautious gaze on his face. He tries to stay silent, to give her the floor, but his desire to hear what she has to say wins out.  
"Shoot, kid," he says with a grin, hoping to alleviate any uncertainty she has.

"That was all okay, right?" Lizzie asks, hesitantly. "Those things I said?"

"You kidding me?" Elliot chokes, pulling into the gas station and maneuvering into a parking spot. He throws the car into park and turns to face her.  
"Everything you do is good, Lizzie. Everything you do," he says, shaking his head. "You don't know. You don't know how much you help me."

Lizzie tilts her head and brushes her hair behind her ear before she looks back at him.  
"What do you mean?" She asks, resting her chin on her knee.

Elliot leans back against the seat and surveys her thoughtfully. He owes his child so much more than just this simple explanation. She has to know what she has done for both he and Olivia.

He scrapes his fingers across his jaw and considers where to begin. Lizzie sits utterly still and waits for him to speak. This child's absolute patience is another trait that he admires to no end.

"I dunno how much you know 'bout Olivia's past, like when she was your age," Elliot starts, treading lightly.  
He is unsure what any of his children know about Olivia before she became his partner. He knows that Kathleen's friendship with Olivia affords her a clearer glimpse into the parts of her life that she keeps close. Olivia's experiences are not his to tell, but given Lizzie's closeness to her sister, he thinks she may know more than she lets on.

Lizzie is completely motionless, but her light eyes are focused intently on his own. She presses her lips together.  
"I do know some things," she admits quietly, "from Leen."

Elliot bows his head and takes a breath as she confirms what he has believed all along.  
"All right," he says, gently. "You know Liv has been through some things in her life. Some real hard things and they've all made her into who she is today."

"She's amazing, Dad," Lizzie interjects adamantly, sitting up straight and letting her feet fall to the floor.  
Elliot feels the corners of his mouth quirk upwards in a smile because he is having this conversation with his child, whom he loves, about the woman he loves and Lizzie is as gracefully accepting as ever.

"Do me a favor. You've gotta tell her that, okay?" He responds, appreciatively. He knows what the sentiment will mean to Olivia.  
Lizzie nods in agreement.

"Liv," he starts again, "Liv has never had a whole lot of support. Her family..." The word bites at him because it's a downright lie. She has never had anyone to look after her, care for her, love her the way she deserves. The thought takes his breath away because he knows about how long she has gone without anything. He plunges on because his daughter deserves to know the truth.

"Liv has never really had a family, so sometimes she needs help figuring out what to believe 'bout herself."

"You help her do that all the time," Lizzie assures him, but Elliot shakes his head.  
"Thing is," he says, motioning with his hand, "She doesn't always believe me, but coming from you? That's a different story."

Lizzie's gaze falls from his and she bows her head, sending her blonde hair cascading into her face.  
"You're making me cry, Dad." Her voice lilts softly because she says it like this is something out of the ordinary. Elliot grins, blinking back the emotion in his own eyes.

"Everything you said last night helped us," he tells her, "You're helping Liv start to see where she stands, where she belongs." He needs her to understand what an important role she plays in all of this.

"Told Liv last night that you two are a lot alike," he says and he watches as his daughter raisees her head in surprise.  
"Really?" She asks, eagerly. Lizzie's light eyes are so full of fervent hope that she makes him smile.  
Elliot nods. "Yeah. Both of you are thoughtful and cautious. Liv has gotta feel her way into things the same way you do. She doesn't dive head first like Leen and I."

Lizzie laughs then and shakes her head.  
"But where would Liv and I be without people like you and Leen? You convince us that it's okay to act, to move. If it were up to Liv and I, we'd stay in the same place considering our options for God knows how long. That's why this works so well, Dad. It's a give and take. Push and pull. For better or worse," she finishes, gently.

"Last night, before you got home from work, Liv told us that she resigned. She isn't going to work for the NYPD anymore." Lizzie touches his arm. Elliot can see from the expression in her eyes that she knows it is her turn to tread lightly.

"Listen," she continues softly and he feels the urge to cry at his daughter's gentleness.  
"All I want you to know is that this is what we want for you. I love you," Lizzie eyes well over and she gives a soft laugh when his do the same because he never ever takes those words for granted.

"We love you. All of us. We all love Liv, too. I know that you guys have a future together and you're building it right now. We're so lucky because every day that we wake up and breathe on the other side of that accident is a second chance, Dad."

Elliot reaches across the seat and slips his arm around Lizzie's shoulders. He pulls her toward him and kisses her temple. He doesn't have words to accurately convey what she means to him, what she has done for him.  
"I love you," he whispers into her hair and he prays that she understands all those three words encompass.  
"I don't know what I ever did to deserve you guys," he says, shaking his head.  
Lizzie pulls back and looks at him. "Don't say that," she implores. "You're our dad. We love you."

"You'll understand if you become a parent someday," Elliot explains. He knows how lucky he is to have five children who all care about him and more importantly, care about each other. Lizzie's light eyes search his face and she nods in acceptance of his answer.  
He kisses the top of her head once more before he turns the car back on and backs out of the parking spot to pull toward the gas pump.

After Elliot fills the tank, he settles himself back into the front seat and looks over at Lizzie.

"You got any other questions for me?" He asks her, "I'll tell you anything you wanna know, okay? Liv will, too. Nothing's a secret." He wants to make sure his children understand that his life with Olivia is their future as well as his own.

Lizzie surveys him thoughtfully for a moment. "I do have a question," she says as she takes a breath. "Did you tell Liv about the manatees?"  
Elliot can't suppress the urge to laugh. "Liz," he starts.  
"You did, didn't you?" Lizzie cries, laughing in spite of herself as she throws her hands into the air. "That's so embarrassing, Dad!"  
He shakes his head. "It's not embarrassing, baby, it's you."

His daughter rolls her eyes endearingly. "My street credibility is all I have, Dad," she jokes and he laughs again.

They lapse into an easy silence, broken only by the sound of Heidi's tail thumping incessantly against the car door. Elliot watches his dog in the rear view mirror.

"Heidi Girl, sit down," he tells her. Heidi cocks her head as though she is considering his words and their implication.  
"Don't even think about it," Elliot says, trying to keep amusement out of his tone. Heidi throws caution to the wind and the next thing he knows, his sixty-five pound dog is sitting in his daughter's lap. He wants to ask if she will be all right for the ten minutes left in their drive, but Lizzie is laughing too hard to be able to speak.

"Don't encourage her, Liz," he says affectionately, blindly reaching over to touch Heidi's head.  
"I'm telling you, she's got a mind of her own."  
"She loves you," his daughter croons, hugging Heidi against herself.

"Hey," Elliot says as an idea occurs to him, "What are you doing for your birthday?"

Lizzie struggles in vain to sit up straight beneath Heidi's weight. She gives up and slumps down in the seat.  
"What do you mean?" She asks and Elliot can hear her smile in the sound of her voice.  
"I mean, are you doing anything special?" He rephrases.  
"Dad, it's a Thursday. I'll be in school," Lizzie tells him.

"Yeah," he acknowledges slowly, "But I can come up on the weekend and take you out for dinner."

He can feel Lizzie's eyes on his face. "Dad, you don't have to do that," she says, shaking her head. "It's just twenty."

"Don't remind me," Elliot says lightly, rubbing his hand across his jaw. His words elicit her sweet laughter.  
"I'm not sure what I'm doing. I'm probably just going to go out with the girls. I'll keep you posted," she promises, touching Heidi's velvet ear as Elliot starts down the driveway toward the house.

"Sounds good, hon," he tells her as he stops the car and lets Liz and Heidi out before he pulls into the garage. Elliot climbs out of the car and moves back toward the driveway.  
Lizzie stands out in the middle of the yard watching snowflakes drift down from the cloud scattered sky. Heidi barks happily at the sight of him and his daughter looks over her shoulder and smiles.

"Will you go for a quick walk with me?" He asks her, "I've got something I wanna show you."  
Lizzie tilts her head and the changing colors of her light eyes are striking.  
"Sure," she says, nodding.

Elliot steps toward her and she takes his arm as they move out over the snow.

"Hey Dad," Lizzie says, looking out over the snow.  
"Yeah, hon," he replies, watching her face.

"You have to tell Dickie about Liv resigning."  
"Okay," Elliot says, slowly. Lizzie tilts her head when she looks at him.  
"I just know it will mean more coming from you than it would from anyone else," she explains.

"Okay," Elliot replies again, bowing his head. He doesn't fully understand, but he trusts his daughter's keen ability to sense what other people need.

"Where are we going?" Lizzie asks quietly, bringing him back to the present.  
He grins, shaking his head. "It's a surprise."

His daughter groans playfully. "You know I don't _like_ surprises," she says, motioning with her hand for emphasis.  
He laughs because he knows this is true. His older daughters' love of surprises did not transfer to his youngest. This is another trait Lizzie shares with Olivia and it makes him smile.

"I know you don't, but bear with me. It's for your birthday," Elliot explains.

Lizzie hums her continuing disapproval and focuses on the snow beneath her feet.  
The night is silent except for the sound of their footsteps in the snow and the jingling sound of Heidi's collar as she trails behind them. The faded red barn sits just up ahead and Lizzie tugs on his arm.

"You got me a barn!" She jokes, making him laugh.  
"I've never been in here," she continues softly and Elliot shakes his head. He pulls the large door open and steps just inside to turn on one of the lights.

"Nobody has, except for Liv and I," he tells her, thinking back to the night Olivia found him standing right here.  
"It was a mess when I first moved in, but I've been working on fixing it up. C'mon in, hon," he says, reaching for Lizzie's arm as she steps tentatively into the quiet space.

Elliot leans against the door frame and lets his daughter explore for herself. The barn still smells faintly of wood, hay, and something distinctive. He knows that he has only seconds to take this moment in before she realizes.

Lizzie whips around to face him and her eyes are rounder than he has ever seen them.  
"Horses?" She breathes, reaching out to grasp the worn handle of the door on the first stall. "This place used to have horses?"

Elliot nods and steps toward her. "Must have," he says,"There's four stalls, so there's plenty of space for them."  
His daughter nods and he can almost see the puzzle pieces coming together in her eyes.

"What are you going to do with it?" She asks, her voice full of wonder. Elliot can't wipe the grin from his face fast enough.  
"Wait a minute!" Lizzie cries, grabbing his hand excitedly, "Are you getting a horse?"

He shakes his head. "Kind of. I'm planning on getting a horse for _you_ ," he says, emphasizing the distinction.

"What?" Lizzie shrieks excitedly, bursting into tears as she throws her arms around him. "Are you serious?"  
Elliot laughs as he nods against the top of her head.

"I know how much you always wanted one and I've got the room," he says, softly. "Besides, I'm up for something new."

He holds her in the dim light of this barn where he sees a glimpse into her future. He sees countless hours with her here during the summer. She will be up with the sun and asleep by the time it sets. He knows how she will teach he and Olivia everything they need to know while she is away at school. He leans down to kiss the top of her head.

"Happy Birthday, sweetheart," Elliot whispers and he feels his voice catch in his throat. Lizzie draws back and her full eyes meet his.  
"I can't believe this. Thank you, Dad. I love you," she says, slipping from his arms and moving back to touch the wood of each of the stalls.

He watches her for a moment more before she turns back to look at him with a curious expression.  
"Here's the only thing, Dad," she starts slowly, her shy smile unfurling. "Horses are social animals. I can't just have one."

Elliot laughs. "Hey, you're the expert," he tells her, "The more the merrier, hon."  
Lizzie shakes her head in amazement before she follows Heidi out into the snow. Elliot turns off the light and pulls the barn door closed. Lizzie takes his hand and she makes him laugh when she starts skipping the way she used to when she was a little girl.

* * *

The house smells like hot chocolate. Elliot hangs up his coat in the mudroom and follows both Lizzie and Heidi into the kitchen.

The first thing he notices is that Kathleen has cleared off the table.  
Before he has a chance to ask what she is planning on doing, she glances at them both.  
"Liz, are you okay?" She asks, taking in the excited expression Lizzie wears. His youngest daughter nods mutely and defers to him with wide eyes.

Elliot laughs. "Liz is getting a horse for her birthday."

"You're what?" Kathleen squeaks, grabbing her sister's hand and pulling her toward the living room.

He catches Olivia's eye and she shakes her head in amusement from where she stands at the sink.  
"Are you turning into a cowboy now?" She asks with a smile.  
"We'll talk about it," he tells her, grinning as he steps toward her. Olivia gives him an appraising once-over.  
"I could live with that," she says, making him laugh.

Elliot moves to stand just behind her and before he can touch her, Olivia leans back against his chest.

"I missed you," she whispers and he can't help but reach for her. He slips his arm around her waist and trails his lips against the silky strands of her hair, her temple, her cheek, before he drops his mouth to her shoulder.  
The cold weather and her affinity for turtleneck sweaters are both interfering with his desire to press his lips to her bare skin. He feels the way Olivia inhales and tangles her fingers with his against her hip.

"You want to play Scrabble?" She asks, softly. Elliot feels her eyelashes brush his cheek when she turns her head to look at him.  
"That a euphemism for something?" He mumbles against her and her shoulder shivers when she laughs.  
"No, Leen wants to play."  
"Sure," he whispers. He kisses her cheek once more and reluctantly lets her go.

"So, I'm thinking we should split into teams," Kathleen says, standing beside the table.  
"How come?" Elliot asks.  
"Well," she starts with a smile, "Do you really want to go up against Miss Three-time High School Spelling Bee Champion over there-"  
"It was actually four times, Leen," Lizzie interjects, helpfully.  
" _And_ the brilliant daughter of an English professor all by yourself?" Kathleen finishes.

Elliot glances at Olivia.  
"The kid's got a point," he says and she smiles.  
"Okay, great. I get Liz," Kathleen announces airily, before she makes her way toward the stairs.

"Looks like you're stuck with the brilliant daughter of an English professor," Olivia quips, resting her head against his shoulder for an instant.  
"Happily," he replies, grinning at her. Olivia laughs again and shakes her head at his youngest daughter.

"Hey Dad, could you help me with this?" Kathleen calls from the top of the stairs. He is sure that she is struggling with getting the board game box down from the top of the closet in Eli's playroom.  
"Be right there, Leen," Elliot answers, squeezing Lizzie's arm as he moves past her.

He makes his way up the stairs and he listens to the sound of Lizzie's sweet voice speaking to Olivia. When he hears the gentle hum of Olivia's reply, he knows his daughter has once again given her a firm foothold and a sure glimpse of exactly where she stands.

* * *

Elliot's phone sounds and he reaches across the counter top for it.

It's Kathleen, letting him know that they are an hour outside of the city. He breathes a sigh of relief.  
He had forced his daughters out of the house early this afternoon because of the impending snowstorm. It had taken a few dozen Hail Mary's and all of his self-control not to climb into the truck and make the long drive ahead of them. He knows that Lizzie will drop her sister off at her apartment and then head home to Kathy's.

The house is quieter than it has been in days.  
His girls breathe music, creativity, and laughter into every space they occupy and he loves the time he gets to spend with them. He knows that neither Olivia nor Heidi are inside the house right now.

Twenty minutes ago, while he was preoccupied with worrying about the girls, Olivia had told him she was going outside for a walk and Elliot can only assume that his dog had taken it upon herself to accompany her.

He throws his coat on over his sweatshirt and makes his way out into the yard. The blue sky is fading to hues of orange and pink with wisps of white clouds that remind him of the quick stroke of a paintbrush. He breathes deeply of the cold air before he starts walking around the side of the house. He wonders if he can figure out which way Olivia and Heidi walked by studying the footprints in the snow. Elliot looks around and he laughs because his dog has made so many different sets of tracks through the white powder that it is impossible to follow after.

The trees are blanketed with a coating of snow which makes the silence all the more complete. He moves toward a clearing that he knows Heidi frequents because of the shallow stream that she likes to visit into during the warmer months. He is sure the stream is frozen now, but he thinks he can see a flurry of movement in between the trees that can only be Heidi's tail.

Elliot makes his way across the snow toward the grove of trees. Just as he is trying to figure out why Heidi hasn't come dashing toward him, he gets his answer in the form of a snowball narrowly missing his left arm.

"Benson," he calls out in amusement. "We've gotta work on your aim."  
Before he can bend down to pack the snow into his hand, another snowball hits him squarely in the back.

He turns and spies Olivia standing near the trees where she is doubled over with laughter. Heidi dashes from Olivia's side and barks happily as she runs circles around him.

"What are you doing, baby?" Elliot laughs, reaching down to pet Heidi's fur before she races off again.

He straightens up and meets Olivia's gaze.  
"You been okay out here?" He asks, stepping toward her over the snow.  
"Yes," she says, nodding.

He stands some ten feet from her and takes her in. There are melting flakes of snow on her black parka and in her dark hair. Olivia is wearing a soft gray scarf that he recognizes as his own and her face is flushed from the cold.

She is beautiful, she is comfortable, she is here.

"You want some company?" Elliot asks, earnestly. He understands needing a moment to oneself and he will surely leave her alone if that is what she wants. He watches her smile.  
"I do," she replies, stepping forward and closing the distance between them.

"I wanna show you something," Elliot says, "Did Heidi take you past the stream?"  
Olivia looks up at him and shakes her head. "I don't think so," she says, as he reaches for her hand.  
"Did you hear from the girls?" She asks.  
"Yeah, they've got 'bout an hour left. Liz will drop Leen off and then text me when she gets to Kathy's," he explains.

"I miss them already," Olivia says, softly. She takes a breath at the same time that she steals his away. She stops walking and clings to his hand.  
"El," she starts, "Your girls are...they're everything."

"They love you," he tells her sincerely. Olivia glances up at him through the fringe of her bangs.  
"I love them, too," she replies with a small smile. Her dark eyes fill with emotion and she leans forward to rest her forehead against his shoulder.

He presses kisses to the top of her head and wraps his right arm around her. Through the fabric of his sweatshirt, he can feel the lightest pressure of Olivia's hand against his chest. Elliot knows that when she is quiet it means that she is thinking. He is unsure of the subject matter of her thoughts, but he praying fervently for the strength to give her what she needs, whatever that may be.

"What are you thinking about?" He whispers into her hair.

He feels her inhale against him before she speaks.  
"Do you remember the other night in the kitchen when you were telling me about Lizzie and the manatees?"

Elliot nods and he feels a slight grin tug at his lips. Olivia brushes her hair behind her ear and continues to speak.  
"You said...you said that if there was anyone in the world for her to emulate you would want it to be me."

Elliot swallows hard and nods again. "Yeah." His answer is sure and easy and it isn't ever going to change.

When Olivia's dark eyes meet his gaze, he thinks she can only be compared to the evening sky. The darkness of a midnight sky scattered with billions of glimmers of light.

"You don't know what that meant to me," she says. Her tears spill over and she makes no effort to brush them away.  
"Liv," he whispers and he wonders if she can feel his heart breaking beneath her hand.  
Olivia shakes her head.  
"I'm okay, El," she replies, "I just have a lot I want to tell you. Can we walk?"

Elliot nods wordlessly as they move onward through the snow.

If they did this his way, he would have her sitting on the couch, at the table, on the bed. He wants to look at her, to watch her face and gauge her every expression. He also knows that he has to do this on her terms, in whatever way she feels most comfortable.

Olivia's gaze is fixed straight ahead, on the ground they have yet to cover while his focus rests solely on her. He watches her profile.  
"The other night, you told me that Liz and I are a lot alike," Olivia begins.  
"For the longest time, that thought would have scared me. I wouldn't have wanted anyone to be like me because I didn't know who I was."

Elliot tries to breathe because he knows that she can feel the way his tension is building in his body. Mercifully, Olivia continues to speak.

"From the time I was younger than Lizzie, I doubted myself. I didn't trust myself because I didn't know who I was. I knew where I came from, but I didn't know much more than that. I was afraid of what I didn't know and I didn't like feeling afraid." Olivia takes a breath.

"So, I did the only thing that made sense at the time," she elaborates and her lips quirk upward when she looks at him.  
"You became a cop," Elliot says softly and she nods.

"I became a cop," she repeats. Olivia stops walking and she lets go of his hand. Elliot stands opposite her and takes her in. He feels the way Olivia's dark eyes skim his face.

"You have some idea about all of this, but I want you to know everything," she says. Elliot knows that she is trying for fearless, but her voice has an unsteadiness to it that makes him want to reach for her.

"Okay," he says softly, before he turns around and brushes the snow from a nearby fallen tree. He sits down and he can feel the frozen bark biting at the denim of his jeans. He wants her to know that no matter what she says, he isn't going anywhere.

Olivia tilts her head when she meets his gaze.

"When I first became a cop, I wanted to work in the unit because I thought it would make up for what my father did. I thought it would help me to try and make sense of myself. In the beginning, I had this idea that if I did the job long enough and I got inside enough of their heads that it would help me to understand who I am."

Her words barrel into his chest and taking in air is impossible.

All at once, he understands. Over the years, they have all lost pieces of themselves to the job, to cases and victims and suspects. It's the nature of being on the force and it's unavoidable, no matter how long or short one's time is with the badge.  
Now, he knows that Olivia wasn't only losing herself in them, she was looking for herself as well. She was looking for herself in the negativity, the fear, the doubt.  
She had intertwined her identity with her past and lost her ability to perceive herself for everything that she is.

He can't breathe and suddenly he is back in the hospital, down on his knees.

A memory comes to him, early in their time together, sitting with her on the steps outside the house in Queens. She had been distraught about a case and he had told her that the way she felt for the victims was a double edged sword. It made her an incredible detective at the same time that it shredded her heart. She had remarked that the job wasn't worth the cost and he had told her that she had a choice, that she could walk away. He remembers the way her eyes welled before she whispered her denial and left.

How long he sat there after she left, he isn't sure, but he remembers seeing the headlights from Kathy's car coming down the street before he went inside. He hadn't fully understood her words, but now their meaning surfaces as clear as day.

Elliot is standing before he realizes that he has moved at all.

"That's got _nothing_ to do with who you are," he tells her, harshly. He has to calm down, to let her speak, but he can't listen to the way she is talking about herself. It is unfathomable to him that she has spent precious moments of life trying to atone for her very existence.

"El," Olivia says his name and it brings him back to her. "I know that," she tells him, gently.

Elliot exhales and forces himself to sit back down and look at her. In the dying light of dusk, there is something softly stirring in Olivia's eyes. He has to let her continue. He leans forward, bracing his palms against his knees so that he doesn't clench his fists and he waits for her.

"In the beginning, that was the reason, but as the years went by it became more about the job itself than about my reasons for doing it. I realized I could be a good cop," she says, brushing her hair behind her ear.

"The squad room was the first time I felt like I really fit anywhere. You guys became this family that I had never had. I started to gain confidence in myself, in my ability to do the job and whenever things fell apart I could always look at you," she takes a breath and her dark eyes meet his gaze.  
"I could look at you and you would look back at me with all the faith in the world. You taught me to trust myself and my instincts. You made me believe in myself for the first time in my whole life, El." Olivia brushes her wet cheeks with her fingers.

"The thing is that after a while, I realized that it would never be enough just for you to see me that way because I had to take responsibility for myself. I started to see myself the way that you did and it changed my life."

He thinks his heart may have stopped beating because he knows now what she sees reflected back at her when she looks in his eyes. They are mirrors of each other and they show each other the same things. Faith, hope, trust, love, loyalty.

"These last few weeks have been the most bizarre whirlwind. Sometimes I feel so settled here with you and then I remember that I have to go back to New York and finish my time at work."

Elliot feels the gnawing ache in his chest at her words, but he doesn't speak. He doesn't know what he will do without her when she leaves, no matter how short a span of time.

"Sometimes I go to sleep next you and I'm convinced that I'm going to wake up in my apartment to the sound of your voice on the phone and it will be like none of this ever happened. I don't know why I was in that accident, but I know it was a wake up call for me," Olivia says, nodding. "It forced me to consider my future and what I want. I know I don't want to wait anymore."

 _Future._ The word tugs at his memory.

"You remember the night in the barn? When you told me you thought you'd waited until the night of the accident to start thinking 'bout your future. You've gotta know that isn't true. You started thinking 'bout us, planning all of this when your agreed to talk to me on the phone every night more than a year ago. Everything we've done has been leading us here. So don't think you haven't been fighting for us just as hard as I have," Elliot tells her, shaking his head.

Olivia's eyes meet his and she nods.  
"The other night in the kitchen you entrusted me with Lizzie and for the first time I thought there has to be a reason why I'm still here."

"'Course there's a reason-" he breathes

"You've changed everything for me. I don't know what I did to deserve all of this and I don't know what I can do for you, but I love you and I just want you to know. I know who I am, El. I know that you love me and I know why," she finishes, softly.

There is a deep need that he sees in Olivia's eyes in the moment before he steps toward her and captures her mouth with his own.  
His left hand protects the back of her head as she bumps into the tree behind her. He holds her up against it and his right hand spans her waist. He thinks that the last twenty minutes have shifted something within her because she kisses him now without holding back. It gives him permission to do the same.

Elliot tilts his head and his tongue finds hers as he slips past her parted lips and inside, inside, inside.

He can feel Olivia's hands pressing into his chest atop the fabric of his sweatshirt. He has to touch her. He deftly feels for the zipper of her parka and one of her hands tangles with his fingers as she helps him unzip the heavy coat. He slips his hand beneath the heavy material and his fingertips brush the side of her breast as he runs his hand the length of her torso.

Olivia breaks from the kiss just as he does, because neither one of them can breathe.  
"El," Olivia whispers. He looks down at her and meets her dark eyes in the dusk. Her gaze falls to his lips and he kisses her again.  
"El, please," she repeats. He looks at her again. She is so close, so close. He knows that she can feel how much he needs her.  
What is inconceivable is the thought that she could possibly need him, too.

"What do you want, Liv?" Elliot rasps against her forehead. He has to ask her. He needs to hear her say the words. She has to know that he would never take her for granted. She has to know this isn't something she has to do.

Olivia's eyes meet his own and she nods almost imperceptibly.  
"This, us, you," she whispers with a small smile and he feels her voice set their future into motion.


	24. Chapter 24

**Author's Note:** First things first, please note the story rating change to **M** for the sake of this chapter.

Much like Elliot and Olivia, I was unsure that this was ever going to happen. I wasn't entirely confident in my ability to do them justice, but after many rewrites, I have found a balance that I am happy with. There is an absolutely beautiful song called "Lost in You" by artist Phillip LaRue. I heard it for the first time many months ago and I knew that if this chapter were to come to fruition, then the sound of that song would be the essence. The song can be found on youtube, if you are interested in listening. Thank you, thank you, thank you...

* * *

Heidi shakes the snow from her fur as she follows him inside. Elliot sits down on the storage bench and bends to unlace his boots. He watches Heidi's feet beside his own. She steps even closer to him and presses her cold nose to his cheek, making him laugh.  
"C'mere, you crazy dog," he says. He kisses the wet fur at the top of her head before he stands and grabs a towel from the laundry room to dry her off.

He tosses the towel into the hamper and debates throwing a load of clothes into the washer. He braces his hands against the washtub in an effort to quell his own shaking. He tries to ignore the voice inside his head that is telling him that's he's an absolute idiot because he already knows. He is cognizant. He is aware of exactly what he is doing and why.

He is stalling.

He is stalling because it's _her._ It's Olivia. There are more than a dozen years, thousands and thousands of hours, millions of moments of his past, present, and future wrapped up in her.

It's unfathomable that he is waiting and yet completely understandable all at the same time. He knows he has to move soon. He has to go to her, to explain why she renders him thus. If he leaves her alone for much longer, she is going to assume the worst and he can't let her get inside her own head because whatever she is thinking will be far from the truth.

He wants her. He wants her desperately. He has dreamed of her, thought of her, wondered about her, prayed for her. Now, she is right in front of him.  
It's incomprehensible. _  
_

Elliot shakes his head and tries for a steady breath, but his inhale is choppy.

He can't lie to himself.

He has spent more than twelve years as her partner and he knows that this is another reason that nothing ever happened between them. He has always known that he would never be able to touch her carelessly. They never would have been able to have an affair on the job because he has always been aware that once he touches her, he isn't going to be able to stop.  
Elliot has to make this everything that she deserves and he wonders what kind of man he is if he tells her how much she has shaken him, how he feels the urge to cry.

Every moment with Olivia has meaning and he wants her to understand that she has never been and will never be a gratuitous part of his life. He doesn't see her as a given. She isn't something that he entitled to. She is a gift. She is everything. She is where the world that he wants begins and ends.

He also wants a drink because she makes him feel like he is already intoxicated. He feels the urge to laugh because he is nervous as hell and he knows he can't keep her waiting much longer.

There is one last thing that holds him back. There is something that Olivia doesn't know yet, but he needs her to understand and they can't move forward until he talks to her.

Elliot wants her to see how certain he is about them, how sure, how stable they are. He wants her to know that this is forever.  
Before anything else happens, Olivia has to know that upstairs, nestled in his top dresser drawer, sits a tiny maroon box.

That thought alone spurs him into action and he pushes himself away from the washtub and moves out into the kitchen. He turns on the light above the table and grabs a water bottle out of the refrigerator. He can hear the soft sound of Olivia's footsteps on the stairs, followed by the pitter-patter of Heidi's paws.

He closes the refrigerator door and says one more silent prayer before he turns around to look at her.

The first thing he notices is that Olivia hasn't taken off her parka, as if she is planning on walking out the door any minute. He has to hold onto her.  
"Liv," he starts and his voice is so low that he wonders if she has even heard him.

"Are you okay? I thought you may have run into the Abominable Snowman." Olivia perches on the arm of the couch and she doesn't quite meet his eyes when she speaks. Her tone is light and he knows that it will contradict the story that her eyes are telling.

Elliot shakes his head, setting the water bottle down on the counter top. "Not this time," he replies and Olivia gives half of a smile. When she finally looks up at him, he sees that her gaze is a storm of hesitancy and apologies, grief and uncertainty.

"El," she starts softly, "It's-"

"I need you," he tells her simply. He watches as Olivia's eyes grow wide as if this was the last thing she expected to hear him to say.

Elliot shakes his head.

"The day we left New York, before we left the hospital, Dr. Monroe pulled me aside. He told me that he's seen a lot of things in all his years of practicing medicine, but he's never seen anything that would explain you. He said there wasn't a medical explanation available that would explain why you walked out of the hospital holding my hand not forty-eight hours after the accident. You know what else he said? He told me you're a miracle."

Olivia's inhale is audible and he sees the way she shudders.

"That doesn't surprise me Liv, because that's how I see you, too. I love you and I want you and I need you. I don't have any way to tell you how I feel about you or what you mean to me. It's not something I can explain, but I gotta try," he tells her.  
"You're beautiful and brave and stubborn as all get out. You think too much and you scare the hell outta me 'cause you don't know what you are. You're this miracle."

Olivia smiles and she tilts her head when she looks at him.

"And I'm sorry that I'm making you wait, but these last couple minutes I've been stuck inside my head thinking 'bout you," He rubs his palm roughly over his cheek as he exhales.  
"I'm standing down here like an idiot because it's _you_ and I don't know how to do this with you," Elliot confesses and the words feel raw. He shakes his head, trying to explain. "'Cause it's more than just sex, Liv. It's always gonna be that way for us. I don't take anything 'bout you for granted. I love you so much and nothing you can say or do is ever gonna change that 'cause you're _it_ for me."

"Elliot," Olivia whispers his name in that way that only she can. "You don't have to try to convince me."

Elliot bows his head and the surface of the counter top blurs before him as his eyes fill. He has to look up at her when he speaks. He swallows hard and his throat aches from the emotion. He can hear Olivia's footsteps and he sees the way she rests her hands against the counter top, directly across from where he stands.

"El," Olivia whispers as she reaches for him. He can't breathe as he grasps her fingers of her left hand.

"There's something else I need you to know before anything happens," he tells her. His voice is low and thick. "I'm gonna ask you to marry me."

Olivia gives the softest intake of breath and Elliot knows it isn't born of anxiety because the expression in her eyes is one of utmost hope.

"I know it's a lot to think 'bout and I'm not gonna ask you tonight," he explains slowly, swallowing hard as he shakes his head. "So, don't worry. I just need you to know where we're going."

Olivia squeezes his hand and nods her understanding with all the conviction in the world.

They stand opposite each other for another moment before she leans against the counter top with her elbow.  
She rests her chin in the palm of her right hand and looks up at him through her wet eyelashes.  
"What do you think we should do now?" She asks playfully and in the moment before he kisses her toward the stairs, he swears he hears her whisper _yes._

* * *

Olivia's parka is hanging haphazardly over the banister, the gray scarf she wore somehow made it to the doorknob, and Elliot is sure that his coat is on the floor somewhere outside of Eli's room.

He backs Olivia up until her thighs hit his bed and and she moves herself back onto the sheets. Elliot stands at the side of the bed and grips the heavy cotton of his sweatshirt in his hands before he pulls it up over his head. He leaves his navy t-shirt on.

Olivia reaches for him then and he lets her take his hand as he sits down onto the bed. She lays back against the pillows behind her head as Elliot leans forward and kisses her fully, heartily.

She takes their intertwined fingers and leads his hand to her left hip. He searches her eyes for uncertainty, but there isn't any to be found.

"Please El," she whispers, reading his mind. Olivia props herself up on her elbows as he sits on the bed against her, his thigh resting against hers. The burgundy flannel blouse she wears has ridden up and Elliot runs his fingers along the soft strip of skin just above her hip. He watches the rise and fall of her breasts as her breathing quickens.

Olivia nods in a silent answer to his wordless question and his shaking fingers move to the buttons of her blouse.  
Little by little, he works to undue each button. He pushes the flannel aside as his fingertips trace her bare skin. Elliot ghosts his fingers over her rib cage and Olivia's golden skin dots with goosebumps. She shivers involuntarily and gives the softest laugh.

He meets her gaze again and he finds all the permission he needs. He leans down and presses his mouth to her sternum, kissing her there. He feels Olivia's fingers fall against his shoulder and run the length of his bicep. He wants to move slowly, to give them both time to adjust. He wants to take in every instant with her, every brush of her fingertips, every touch of her lips. He is silently praying for the control that is slipping through his fingers each time he touches her.

Olivia's gaze falls to his trembling hands as he works to undo the last two buttons. The backs of his hands brush against her covered breasts and he can't breathe.  
He hasn't even touched her yet and he can't breathe.  
Olivia glides her fingers over the nape of his neck and he kisses her then. She tilts her head and he pulls her bottom lip into his mouth. Elliot slips his hands beneath the flannel to touch her bare skin. Olivia's fingers press against his chest and the back of his shoulder as he runs his own hands over her.

The flannel falls away and she squeezes his hand in the instant before he looks at her. She lays before him, the perfect shape of her breasts rising and falling rapidly beneath the Mediterranean blue lace. He is sure that he has found a new favorite color.  
Elliot shakes his head because she is too much to take in. She is more beautiful than he ever dreamed she would be.

He wants to tell her that she is stunning, she is a dream come true, that every inch of her takes his breath away...  
"You're everything," he whispers earnestly, but even that doesn't do her justice. Olivia gives a ghost of a smile. He can feel the way her fingers are shaking against his upper arm.

"I love you," she whispers. Elliot braces his left palm on the bed near her shoulder as he leans down and presses his mouth to the delicate skin just below her covered breasts. Olivia's fingers tangle in his t-shirt and she tries to pull him closer, as if she could possibly dislodge his position above her.

Elliot gingerly lowers himself down toward her, bearing all of his weight on his forearms. He kisses her as he runs his palm along the smooth skin of her stomach, up over her rib cage and when his fingers brush the warmth of her covered breast, he has to let her go so he can breathe. He buries his face against her neck, kissing her perfect skin there, touching, kissing, tasting.

He feels Olivia's hands moving against his back, until she manages to lift the hem of his t-shirt and her fingertips touch his skin. _God.  
_  
"Liv."

Elliot pulls back as Olivia moves to sit up. She starts to shrug off her flannel blouse, but she can't do it by herself. Elliot moves to his knees and slips the flannel down, down her perfect shoulders. He can't help but kiss her there, over every new inch of skin that she reveals to him. He helps push the material down her arms, until she is free of the flannel. Olivia grasps the cotton of his t-shirt in her fingers and Elliot helps her to pull it up and over his head.

He swallows hard as he lays back down beside her.  
Elliot rests his palm against her stomach, the perfect dip of her waist. His thumb brushes her soft skin, once, twice. He closes his eyes and prays for the will to stop moving.  
He focuses solely on Olivia, on giving her time to discover his skin the way that he has hers. Olivia's fingertips skim his shoulder, his collar bone, his bicep. He fixes his eyes ruthlessly on her face because if he lets his gaze fall to the expanse of her lace covered breasts that are nearly pressing against his chest, it will be over before it begins.

She presses her palm against his shoulder, pushing him and Elliot complies, rolling onto his back. He watches her above him, the way she sits by his side. His right hand cups her hip and he unclenches his left fist to reach up and brush her hair away from her face. It is still unbelievable to him that she is here.

He watches the way that Olivia takes him in. The way that she looks at him makes him feel alive, unbroken, complete.  
He loves her and he tells her so.  
Olivia's eyes fill at the sound of his voice and he cradles her cheek in his palm. Her fingers skim his wrist.  
"I love you, too," she whispers. She touches his chest, runs her fingers down the hard line of his abdomen. He tries to breathe, to look into her eyes, because if he watches the way she is touching him he won't be able to wait.

Olivia leans over him and when her hair skims his chest, he groans. He brushes the wavy strands behind her ear as she kisses him. Before Elliot can take a breath, she is moving to his jaw, his neck, he feels the way her eyelashes skim his skin. She kisses the top of his shoulder, his chest. He runs his palm the length of her arm, gripping her just above her elbow.  
"Liv," Elliot rasps. She is distracting him from what he wants. "You keep kissing me like that I'm not gonna be able to-"  
She reads his mind again and gives the softest smile, "I don't want you to wait."

She is daring and stunning and more than he deserves. He is a goner.

Olivia shifts herself closer to him and when their bare skin comes together, the movement makes his every muscle clench. He needs her, _needs_ her.  
He cradles the back of her head, his fingers tangling in her hair as he moves forward, pushing himself up onto his elbow. Their lips collide and Elliot tilts his head before he slips his mouth to the delicate skin of her neck, her clavicle, her chest, the tops of her breasts.

Olivia lays back against the pillows and Elliot can't take in enough air in the moment before he kisses the softest skin of the space between her breasts.  
He is breathing hard against her warm skin. The lace of her bra rasps against his jaw and he hears Olivia make the softest sound of desire.  
"Please El," she whispers and something inside of him comes undone.

Olivia's fingers press against his shoulder as he moves above her, kissing the gentle rise of her stomach, the hardness of hip bone. Elliot looks up into her eyes before he grasps her hips in his hands. Olivia bites mercilessly on her bottom lip as she nods.

"Olivia," he rumbles her name as she lifts her hips and he slowly tugs her lounge pants down, down, down her long, smooth legs. She kicks them off the bed and onto the floor.  
He kneels before her and the urge to cry rises up.  
She is stunning, she is perfect, she is here.

There aren't words he can articulate that could describe the way she looks in his bed. Her dark hair cascades in a stark contrast to the white pillow case beneath her. Her golden skin is flushed and perfect and inviting. The thought occurs to him that she looks like those ancient goddesses carved in marble.  
 _No,_ she is better than that because she is real. Just the same, he will worship her for the rest of his life.

Olivia's dark eyes are a blend of amusement and shyness as she looks at him.  
"You like me, don't you?" She whispers and her voice lilts softly. Elliot moves over her, bracing his weight on his forearms.  
"I love you," he growls, kissing her lips, her cheek, her neck. "I love you so much."

Elliot runs his hand down her side, the softness of her skin. His fingertips meet the silky material of her underwear. Olivia's hips move against him and he groans deep in his throat. He hasn't even touched her yet. The denim of his jeans is rasping against the delicate skin of her legs and he has to get them off.

"Liv," he rumbles her name as he pushes himself back onto his knees once more. Her fingers brush his as he unbuttons his jeans. Olivia laughs breathlessly as they both struggle to remove the confining denim fabric from his legs.

He lays back against her and kisses her fiercely. Their bodies parallel each other and he knows that she can feel everything that he can't describe. She knows how much he loves her, how desperately he wants her, needs her.  
"El," Olivia gasps as she tries to sit up and unhook her bra without his help. He reaches around her back and they are a tangle of hands once more as they both try to unclasp the material. Olivia gives up and rests her head against his shoulder for a moment.  
"C'mon," she whispers, her warm breath tickles his neck. "You have to be kidding."

Elliot presses his lips to her forehead as he finally undoes the clasp. Ever so slowly, he sends the lace down her arms and Olivia tosses it off the side of the bed. She is stunning and he can't possibly wait another minute.

He kisses her again as he lets Olivia take his hand and lead it to where the silk of her underwear meets her hip.  
"Liv," he whispers her name, breaking from her and kissing all the way down her body. He kisses her stomach as he grasps the delicate silk in his fingers.  
"Please," Olivia whispers and he feels the way her short fingernails scrape against his shoulder. "Elliot."

He is sure that he is dying in the moment before she lifts her hips and he slips the silk down, down her long smooth legs until she can kick it off and onto the floor. If he were able to breathe, Elliot thinks that he would find her urgency amusing, but he is just as eager as she is.  
Painfully so.

"El." His name falls from her lips and he reaches for her hand as he presses kisses to the tender skin on the top of her thighs. "El."  
He moves up toward her and he feels like the entire world has slowed in its spinning. He kisses her mouth, pushing his tongue passed her parted lips, kissing her, _kissing_ her.  
Elliot pulls back and brushes her bangs away from her eyes in the moment before he ghosts his fingers against her stomach, her hip bone, her thighs. He is slipping downward then toward her body and his fingers are there, right there, touching her, feeling, learning. He watches her face, every expression, every nuance. He is seeking and understanding. Olivia presses her head back against the pillows and her breathing quickens until it is the only thing he can hear.

 _"Elliot."_

He watches her eyes, searching, questioning...

"I love you." Her answer. "Please, El." She is letting him know.  
He knows she is already there, ready, but he needs to make sure this moment is everything for her.

Olivia tightens her grasp on his fingers intertwined in her own and she moves her hips against his other hand. _"Oh..."_ Her eyes slip closed and her brow furrows. He kisses her forehead, her lips.

"Liv," he whispers against her cheek on a ragged hush, "Tell me..."  
"You," she replies, "I need you."

Elliot starts to pray.

He lets her go and Olivia clenches her thighs together as if it might stop the growing ache. Her hand grips his as he shoves his boxers down his legs and kicks them off onto the floor. He lowers himself down into the space she has created for him and he kisses her over and over. He can feel Olivia's fingers slipping over his back.

Elliot reaches down between their bodies and he touches her again, again, again. Olivia cries out into the growing darkness surrounding them. He is aching, throbbing, dying.  
"Please El. You have to-" She gasps breathlessly against his neck.  
"I love you," he rumbles, "I love you." He has to make sure that she knows. His voice is so low and thick that he wonders if she can hear him at all.

Olivia nods wordlessly and her eyes well at the same moment that his vision blurs. He is right there then. Right there and he is holding her hand as he is tipping, pushing, falling, slipping, moving forward into her.

In, in, in, _inside of Olivia.  
_  
For a split second, the entire world is silent. Elliot doesn't know anything in this moment except that this is Olivia in his arms. She is in his arms or maybe he is in hers and they're holding each other.  
He feels her lips touch his shoulder. His jaw rasps against her temple and he slips his arm beneath the small of her back, pulling her impossibly closer.

All at once the sound returns. Their breathing is an uneven summer storm. Elliot clenches his fist around the sheet below Olivia's body. Her fingers are pressing hard into his back. He no longer knows which one of them is shaking. She is gripping his hand too hard, or maybe he is gripping hers. He swallows thickly and when he speaks his lips brush against her temple.

"Liv?" He rasps her name.  
"El," she whispers and the sound of her voice answers every prayer he has ever prayed.

He is moving then, slowly at first and then Olivia is arching toward him, slipping her arm around his neck and opening herself more fully to him.  
Elliot is plunging, clutching, grasping, touching. He can't get enough of her and the thought that he doesn't have to ever live without her almost finishes him right there.  
Olivia is all dark hair and bright eyes, she is soft lips and a million kisses. Her fingers are against his back, her teeth against his shoulder, her breasts against his chest. She is the sound of his name and the beating of his heart.

"Liv," he rumbles over and over. "Liv, Olivia..." With each thrust inside of her, he is reminding her of who she is. She has to know that this is where she belongs. "I love you."

 _So, so, so much_

In the moment before she tumbles over the edge, he kisses her, touches her, prays to her. With one last breath, Elliot gives her all he has and he is presented with everything in return.

* * *

The smallest sliver of moonlight drifts through the blinds and comes to rest against the comforter and the room is illuminated in the softest glow. Elliot props himself up on his elbow, careful not to shift his right arm from his position around Olivia. Ten minutes ago, Heidi slipped into their room and woke him as she made her way up onto the bed. Despite all of his dog's wiggling around near their legs, Olivia has stayed asleep.

Now, he watches her face. Her dark eyelashes flutter in the tiniest movements against her cheeks. Her parted lips are slightly swollen from the way he has kissed her. Her hair is tousled and wavy against the white pillowcase.

Olivia's hand is still intertwined with his own beneath the comforter and he rubs his thumb ever so tenderly over her fingers. He can't help but stare. She is the most beautiful sight he has ever seen. She lays on her back beside him and his arm follows the gentle repetitive motion of her breathing. Elliot can feel her heart beating beneath his arm and the knowledge that this is what he came so close to losing becomes all the more striking.

Olivia takes a deep breath and slowly opens her eyes. She tilts her head and peeks at him through her eyelashes.  
"Hi," she whispers and Elliot smiles, leaning down to kiss her forehead.  
"Have you slept?" She asks, as if sleeping with the most stunning woman in the world is a regular occurrence for him.  
He nods, "Woke up right before you did."

Elliot brushes her bangs away from her eyes.  
"Can I tell you a story?" She asks thoughtfully. He grins at her and nods. He loves her. He loves this, laying beside her, listening to her voice. It's just a bonus that she happens to be completely naked and cradled against him in bed.

Olivia reaches up to touch his cheek, rough with stubble. "When I was a little girl, there was a library not far from our apartment and every Saturday morning they had this children's activity hour. We would do a craft and have story time." Her fingers trace his jaw and Elliot turns his head to press his lips to the palm of her hand.

She takes a breath. "My mother could never take me, so I would go with one of the little girls who lived on the floor below us, Stephanie. Her parents took her every week and one day they saw me getting ready to walk on my own and they offered to take me with them."

Elliot bites back the flood of words that he wants to use to tell Olivia that she was so young, too young to be held so responsible for herself. He wants to tell her, but he can't interrupt, so he holds her as she continues.

"On the walls of the library there were these beautiful canvases with quotes by famous authors. They were written in the prettiest calligraphy and I always liked to stop and read them on our way in. There must have been a dozen of them hanging there, but that one that I loved the most was a quote from Roald Dahl, from the last children's story he ever wrote. It read _those who don't believe in magic will never find it._ " Olivia says softly.

Elliot nods. The cadence of her voice is mesmerizing and if he weren't so intent on listening to her every word, he thinks she would lull him back to sleep.

"I always loved that quote because it reminded me of princesses and pixie dust, like Peter Pan," she explains.

He smiles. He likes this idea of her dreaming about fairy tales and happy endings as a little girl when he knows that the reality of her own childhood was so harsh.

Olivia lightly traces his shoulder with her fingertips as Elliot breathes. He leans down and kisses her forehead, her cheeks, where her eyelashes sweep beneath her closes eyes. "The night the girls got here, they gave me an envelope with a card inside," Olivia whispers against his neck. "They told me that everyone signed it."

Elliot furrows his brow when he meets her eyes. "Maureen, Dickie, and Eli, too," she finishes.  
He exhales into her hair as he feels the urge to cry for his children's thoughtfulness. "What did it say?" He asks softly.  
Olivia shifts against him as she moves to sit up. She holds the sheet to her chest as she reaches toward the bedside table where a yellow envelope rests. She hands it to him before she turns on the bedside lamp and lays back down beside him.

Elliot moves onto his back and settles himself against the pillows behind his head. Olivia lays at his side and rests her chin against his shoulder, as he uses both hands to open the envelope. He pulls the card gingerly from its casing and places the envelope down on the comforter. The card he holds in his hand is a deep lilac color and the front of it bears a message in shimmery gold letters. He holds it out in front of him so that the words catch the light.

 _Those who don't believe in magic will never find it._

He turns his head to look at her and Olivia smiles, pressing her lips against his shoulder.

A single folded sheet of construction paper slips out of the card as Elliot opens it to find handwritten messages from each of his children. There is Maureen's perfect printing, Kathleen's swirly letters, Dickie's quick but thoughtful scrawl, Lizzie's slanting cursive, and even Eli's careful crayon-etched message. He tries to read each of them through his increasingly blurry vision, but his eyes are too full. He fixes his gaze on the ceiling above their heads and Olivia slowly runs her palm over his forearm, soothing him.

"You and Kathy raised the most amazing children," she whispers earnestly. Elliot tilts his head to press a kiss to the top of hers.  
"They're good kids," he acknowledges, nodding at the ceiling. "I never really saw myself in them, 'cause I think I didn't want them to turn out like me. For so long, I only saw the bad parts of me and turns out it made me look for the bad in everybody else, but now..."

"You love them more than anything," Olivia assures him. "Yeah," he replies, nodding.  
"You're an amazing father," she continues and he meets her gaze. "You'd be an amazing mother," he replies softly.  
Olivia immediately ducks her head and her bangs obscure his view of her face.  
"Liv, look at me," Elliot pleads, moving to prop himself up. "I'm not trying to make you upset," he says, reaching for her arm.  
"You're not," she promises, but she doesn't quite meet his eyes and he feels his chest ache. "Olivia," he whispers and when her gaze locks on his, he continues. "I'm not trying to push anything, I'm just telling you the truth. Plain and simple."

They have never talked about this. Not seriously. He remembers waiting outside an elevator with her when she told him that she had been looking into adoption. He recalls the way her voice trembled when she told him that she had been turned away. The circumstances of her life hadn't been conducive enough for the adoption agency to see her for everything that she could be to a child. He knows how this has haunted her because it has haunted him, too. He still wonders if someday he might be able to help her make this dream come true, in whatever way he can.

Olivia takes a deep breath before she leans up and kisses him. "I know," she whispers against his lips as she settles beside him once more. She reaches for the folded piece of paper lying on the comforter. She smooths it out and smiles as she hands it to him.

On the orange construction paper, Eli has drawn Olivia a very colorful picture in crayon. "It's Buzz Lightyear," she explains, pointing to Kathleen's helpful label.  
"Huh," Elliot grins, tilting his head and turning the picture over in his hands. "I can see that," he says, making Olivia laugh.

A sudden thought occurs to him and he realizes there are still things he doesn't know about her, things he can't wait to discover.

"Can you draw?" He asks and Olivia's eyes light with amusement. "Someday we'll play Pictionary and you'll find out," she says cryptically. Elliot props himself up on his elbow to look at her face.  
"Can you?" He asks with genuine curiosity and she bursts into laughter, shaking her head.  
"No, are you kidding? I'm awful!" He kisses her then, muffling her laughter with his own against her mouth.

"Leen can, though," Olivia says breathlessly, tracing his collar bone with her fingertips and Elliot nods.  
"She's always been good with that kind of thing. Maur used to get jealous when Kathy would put Leen's pictures on the fridge 'cause her stick people never quite measured up." He tucks the construction paper and the card safely back inside the envelope.

Olivia laughs again and then a thought seems to come to her because she quiets. "My mother could draw," she says, drawing her lip into her mouth. "But only when she was drinking. She always said she had to be a little tipsy for the inspiration to kick in." She shakes her head and her eyes fill with tears. "I'm sorry. That's terrible, isn't it?"

Elliot turns onto his side and slips his arm around her waist, pulling her closer. She is pliant and she copies his movement, turning to face him.  
"Gotta tell you something," he whispers, kissing her damp cheek. Olivia slips one hand beneath the pillow below her head and she presses the other against his chest. Elliot is sure she can feel his heartbeat.

"The night of the accident, I was standing in the hallway of the hospital with Maur. Leen and Dickie had gone to get the car and Maur was talking to me, trying to keep me calm. She started telling me a story 'bout us, 'bout the first time she ever heard me call you Liv."  
Olivia furrows her brow curiously and he kisses her forehead.

"She says she remembers being around seventeen and she was up late doing homework in her room when she heard my phone ring. I don't remember this," Elliot says, shaking his head, "But she told me that I came out into the hallway and I answered the phone and said your name, I said Liv. Maur says before that she'd always heard me call you by your full name. Called you Olivia." He worries his bottom lip before continuing.  
"She said hearing that changed the way she looked at us and the work we did, 'cause she realized I wasn't only calling your name, I was doing more than that. I wasn't just _calling_ you Liv, I was telling you _to live,_ to keep going, move on," he finishes, his voice too low.

Olivia gives the softest sob as she slips her arm against his shoulder and buries her face against his neck. Elliot cradles her against himself and rubs his hand up and down the soft skin of her back. "Liv," he whispers her precious name, "Did you ever think that?" He feels her shake her head ever so slightly against his shoulder.  
"No, all these years I never..." she breathes and he tilts his head to kiss her temple. "Me either," he whispers in reply, "But it's you. It makes sense."

Elliot holds Olivia for long enough that her breathing evens out and he wonders if she has fallen back to sleep. He wants to turn off the bedside lamp, but he doesn't dare move for fear of waking her. He rests his chin against the top of her head and he is sure that he has imagined the lightest kiss of her lips against his collar bone until he hears her voice.

"Do you have plans for tomorrow?" She whispers sleepily, making him laugh because she is included in every one of his plans.  
"I should try to go to mass in the morning, but I'll be back as soon as I can," Elliot tells her, brushing an errant strand of hair away from her face. "Why? You busy tomorrow?" He whispers, grinning at her as he leans over her and turns off the bedside lamp.  
"Very," Olivia breathes, pressing soft kisses to his chest.

* * *

The sky is just beginning to lighten as Elliot opens his eyes. The first thing he sees are the brunette waves scattered over the pillowcase. Olivia lays on her side against him and his right arm rests protectively around her waist beneath the blankets. She is buried beneath the comforter up to where her eyelashes skim her cheeks and Elliot feels his lips quirk upward because he now knows that Olivia loves to snuggle and he thinks knowing this might make him love her even more, if that is possible.

Even though they've been together longer than some people remain married, there is still so much that he wants to experience with her, to give her the opportunity to do so many things for the first time.  
He wants to take her for a weekend in the mountains, a day trip to the beach. Birthdays and graduations and Thursday mornings sharing the space in the bathroom. He tries not to think about why she hasn't been given everything before now, but he is unbelievably grateful because it means that he is the one with the privilege.  
The privilege of Olivia.  
It isn't a responsibility that he takes lightly and aside from caring for his children, she is his priority.

Elliot knows that not a minute of this life he has been granted has happened by accident and he has to say thank you. As desperately as he wants to stay in bed with her, he knows that none of this is possible without some kind of divine intervention and he can't continue to take without giving something back.  
"I love you," he tells Olivia in a whisper as he presses a ghost of a kiss to the top of her head.

He carefully moves his arm from around her waist and his hand from beneath her pillow before he slips out of bed. At the foot of the bed, Heidi blinks at him sleepily and Elliot runs his hand over her soft fur. As he moves toward the bathroom, he takes in the bedroom around him. He laughs softly because it's the most hilarious mess. His jeans are strewn on the floor next to Olivia's lounge pants. Her flannel shirt has fallen beneath the bed, he can't find his boxers, and Olivia's bra rests on the floor against the open closet door.

He shakes his head and grins to himself as he moves into the bathroom and quietly closes the door behind him. He pulls the curtain aside and he starts the shower before stepping into the tub and pulling the curtain across behind him. Elliot stands beneath the warm spray of the shower head and he scrubs his palms over his face. His back stings slightly under the heated water, but he will take it if it means he can have her fingernails pressing into his skin for the rest of his life. He knows that he has to stop grinning like an idiot before he leaves the house, but for right now he gives himself a moment to take all of this in.

Olivia. _God._

He is absolutely captivated by everything she is, everything she does. He is wholeheartedly and forever hers and he prays that she is starting to understand. The sound of the shower curtain slipping a few inches along the rod causes his eyes to snap open. Elliot blinks water from his eyelashes as he turns toward Olivia. She is wrapped in a towel and leaning up against the wall, peeking at him through the gap in the curtain.

"Liv?" He swallows hard, "What are you doing?" His voice is half-amusement, half agony. He doesn't let his gaze drift from her face.  
"I want to come with you," she says softly. Her eyes search his and he can't help the way he smirks. "To church!" Olivia clarifies quickly, ducking her head as she laughs. When her skin flushes he knows it isn't from the growing heat emanating from the shower.

Elliot chews on his bottom lip. "We're never gonna make it if you get in here," he tells her, shaking his head. Olivia slips the towel off and tosses it onto the sink before she grasps his arm and steps into the tub beside him.  
"We'll make it," she says confidently, reaching for the soap and gazing up at him as if they do this as part of their regular morning routine. Her brunette locks are quickly becoming saturated beneath the warm spray. Her eyelashes are wet and she is smiling just enough to let him know that he is a dead man.

"You're gonna make me have to go to confession," he rumbles into her hair. In the moment before he pulls her up against himself, Olivia laughs brightly and the sound exorcises the lingering shadows of their past and illuminates their way forward.


	25. Chapter 25

Author's Note: Thank you all so much for your feedback. I can't tell you what it means to me to have so many people enjoying this story. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

* * *

Elliot leans against the wall outside of Cody's office. He can hear him speaking on the phone and even though his friend has waved him in, Elliot doesn't want to disturb him.

"Stabler!" Cody calls out. Elliot shifts his coat on his arm as he steps inside. "How the hell are you?" he asks and Cody laughs as he stands up.  
"We're doing a lot better now, thank God. We passed strep throat around for a good two weeks. First the boys had it, then I got it, and I gave it to Meg. I thought she was gonna kill me," Cody says, grinning.

"Everybody's all right now?" Elliot asks. He remembers how difficult it can be, caring for little ones while you're under the weather yourself.  
"Yeah, we're all in the clear," Cody tells him, grabbing his own coat. "I'm heading to pick up the little guys, but I wanted to ask you something. You don't have Eli this weekend, do you?"

Elliot shakes his head, "No."  
"Aw," Cody says in disappointed, "The boys have a basketball camp for a couple hours on Saturday morning and they wanted me to ask you if Eli was gonna be around."  
Elliot feels his chest ache at the thought of what Eli is missing out on and what he is missing out on with his son. He can feel Cody's eyes on his face and Elliot is sure his friend knows exactly what he is thinking.

"Listen, how about you and Olivia come around for dinner Saturday night? We'll do pizza and hang out. The hockey game is on and we'll get to meet Olivia." Cody holds the door for him as they make their way out into the parking lot. "You don't have to decide now. Talk to your girl and let me know."

Elliot nods. "I'll talk to Liv, but I'm pretty sure we'll be there. You have to let us pay for dinner. We'll pick up the pizza and bring it over."  
Cody grins, "All right by me, as long as you bring Heidi."  
"You got it," Elliot says, laughing as he opens his car door. "Go get your boys. See you later."  
Cody waves in acknowledgement before he climbs into his own car and starts the engine.

Elliot sits back against the front seat and studies the changing colors of the February sky. Every day the light lasts a little bit longer and it reminds him of hope and warmth and spring. Summer. _July._

Olivia will be finished with the job in July. Four months that will feel like an eternity if he lets them. She has been working from home, turning the kitchen table into command central for one of her cases. How in God's name she convinced one of the guys to send her a box of her files, he will never know. If he has to bet money on it, he would guess that Fin has been her accomplice.

He hears the sound of his phone ringing from inside his coat pocket and he reaches across the seat to grab it. Speaking of the devil...

"Hey Capt," Elliot says, swiping his thumb across his phone.  
"Elliot," Don greets him. "How are you?"  
He chews on his bottom lip for a moment because he knows enough about his former captain to be sure that this is not a social call. "We're good, Capt. What's going on?"  
Cragen pauses for a moment before he speaks again.  
"Elliot listen, I know I'm probably not the person you want to hear from right now. I know you don't want to talk about this, about Olivia coming back here, but I wanted to run something past you."

Elliot swallows hard and nods into the growing darkness inside the car. "Yeah," he rasps in acknowledgement and he wonders when he became such a wide open book for everyone to read.

"There's a family here in New York that I've become acquainted with. John and Holly Brenner. Good people, Elliot. They have a beautiful baby girl. They're from West Orange, New Jersey and they were in Glen Cove on December 30th, celebrating the holidays with their family. Holly was the driver of the car that Olivia swerved to miss the night of the accident."

Elliot exhales slowly, trying to hold onto his breath for as long as he can. He remembers. He hadn't known her name, but he remembers the woman. He recalls her dark hair, her frightened eyes. He remembers the cries of the infant in the back seat and how Kathleen knelt on the frozen ground and held Holly's hand.

"Holly has been calling the precinct every week since the accident, asking about you and Olivia. She wants to know that you're both all right."  
He closes his eyes and presses his head back against the seat. "Did you tell her Liv is fine?" He asks, his voice taking on a brisker tone than he intends.

"I have," Don says slowly, "I've told her that Liv is doing well and she's coming back. Holly would like to meet with Olivia when she-"

He is already shaking his head before Cragen has even finished the sentence. "No," Elliot interrupts, "No way. I don't want anybody going at her without me there."

"No one is going _at_ her, Elliot. I want you to put yourself in Holly Brenner's shoes. All she wants is five minutes of Olivia's time, just to see for herself. She blames herself for something that she had no control over. You and I both know how difficult it is to live with that reality," Cragen's voice softens and Elliot marvels at this man's unending patience with him. Don seems to know that he can't speak and so he continues.

"I know you're worried about her coming back here. I know how you are with each other and protective you are of her. I'm not gonna saddle her with desk duty just because she gave me her resignation, but you're not sending her back into a war zone, either. I don't want you to forget that you're not the only person in this world with her best interests at heart," he finishes earnestly.

Elliot takes a deep breath and lets himself listen, truly listen to Don's words. "Capt," he says, his voice is too low. "Thank you."  
He can almost hear Don's smile through the phone. "I know you think you're the only one who can take care of her, but we've got her covered. We're all anxious to have her back, but we know where she belongs. Try not to worry too much."

Elliot feels the corner of his mouth lift. "I'll talk to her, Capt," he promises, "I'm sure she'll call you."  
"Sounds good. You two take care," Cragen says and he hangs up before Elliot can say another word.

* * *

Heidi skitters around his feet as he makes his way into the house. "Hi baby," he greets her. Her tail thumps against his shin and his black dress pants are quickly becoming covered in her light fur.

From where he stands, slipping off his shoes, Elliot can see Olivia sitting at the kitchen table. Her reading glasses are perched on the top of her head and she is absently pursing her lips as she studies a document in her hand. She is wearing one of his flannel shirts over her t-shirt and the sight makes him grin.  
"Hey Handsome," Olivia says, glancing up at him.  
"Hey," he replies, moving toward her and kissing the top of her head. Olivia reaches for his hand as he sits down beside her. "I'll be finished here in one second," she says.  
"Oh yeah?" He asks, leaning forward and kissing her cheek. "Yeah," she replies with a smile.

He watches her as she reads, the way she furrows her brow and fiddles with her pencil. He wonders just how many hours he has spent looking up from his own paperwork across the chasm of their desks to see this very sight.

Olivia takes a breath and looks at him. "Capt called," he tells her, giving her half a smile.  
"He did?" She asks, tilting her head in confusion, "He calls me everyday to check in."  
Elliot nods, "Yeah. He could save some money if he just called us here and we put him on speaker." His attempt at levity works and Olivia smiles.  
"Is he okay?" She asks.  
"Yeah." He nods again, clearing his throat, "Wanted me to run something by you." He needs a minute to try and figure out how to word this. Olivia brushes her fingertips across his palm.

"There's a woman Cragen's gotten to know. Her name is Holly Brenner. She and her husband and her daughter live in Jersey." He wants to give her this background, paint this picture for her. Elliot holds onto her hand as he looks up at her. "The night of the accident she was driving the car that you swerved to avoid."

"Oh," Olivia gives a soft sound of relief, "I've been wondering about her."  
"You have?" He asks incredulously and she nods. "I wanted to make sure she was all right," she replies.

Elliot exhales roughly and his vision is blurring before he can look away. Olivia is disarmingly honest with her answer and she takes his breath away because all at once he understands his own emotion behind his basic need to protect her. He has been angry. He knows it was an accident and it could have happened to anyone, himself included. He is certain that his feelings are irrational and misplaced, but the thought that someone's actions could have lead to him losing her isn't something he has come to terms with yet.  
Olivia always puts herself in the place of the other first. He is in love with a woman who bleeds empathy. She stuns him, humbles him, and teaches him with everything she does.

"El," Olivia whispers his name in surprise, "What's wrong?" She presses her hand to his knee.  
He clenches his jaw and swallows hard before he looks up at her. "How do you do that?" His voice is too low.  
"Do what?" She asks.  
Elliot meets her dark eyes before he leans forward and rests his elbows on his thighs before her.  
"How do you always see things from the other person's perspective? You were thinking of her, how she might be feeling. You put yourself in her place. I never would have done that without you or Cragen telling me to, 'cause my focus has been on you."

"El," she breathes and he shakes his head. "I've been angry with her. I didn't even know who she was, but I was angry."  
He feels Olivia's fingertips against his shoulder, but mercifully she doesn't speak."I dunno if that makes me selfish or what. I know it wasn't right, but I love you and I almost lost you and I think I was looking for somewhere to put the blame."

"It isn't anyone's fault, El. It was an accident," she reminds him gently.  
"I know," he says earnestly, nodding his head and this time he means it. She helps him to understand and whether he wants to admit it or not, she is always right. She is also right for him in every possible way. Olivia soothes him, she absolves him for everything he can't be and loves him for all that he is.

"I love you," she whispers, breathing life into what he will never take for granted. "I love you," he replies, standing up and bringing her with him so that she can slip into his arms. He holds her for long enough that she starts to sink against him. She burrows into his neck and her bangs tickle his skin.  
"Oh," Olivia whispers suddenly as a thought seems to occur to her. "Before I forget, there's something wrong with the garbage disposal," she tells him, her fingers undoing the loosened knot of his tie.  
"What?" Elliot laughs, holding onto her waist. Her words are so perfect, so domestic. She sounds so much like his wife in this moment that she makes him laugh and the sound spurs Olivia's joy.

"I don't know what happened," she says, shrugging through her laughter. Elliot kisses her then, stifling her giggles against his mouth.  
"You sound like Eli," he quips affectionately, letting go of her waist and pulling his tie from around his neck. "Let me get changed and I'll take a look at it."

He can feel Olivia's gaze on him as he steps away and when he turns to look at her he can tell that she is trying not to smile. "You need any help?" She asks casually, as though she thinks he could ever turn her down. "From you?" He asks, reaching for her hand. "Always."

* * *

Elliot lays flat on his back beneath the sink. Olivia kneels to his left and Heidi is resting her head against his denim-clad right thigh. "Can you hand me the screwdriver?" He asks, reaching blindly toward Olivia.  
"Phillips or flat-head?" She inquires.  
"Phillips," he answers, "But I'll take both." She slips the tools into his hand and sits down on the floor. "What if I get a flashlight?" She asks him and Elliot lets his head drop back against the cabinet floor. The woman is brilliant.

"You're a genius," he tells her and Olivia laughs, pressing her hand against his chest as she moves to stand up.

"Cabinet above your head to the left, Liv," he calls. He hears Heidi following Olivia's movements throughout the kitchen.  
"Got it," she replies, moving to her hands and knees and ducking her head to crawl into the space beside him. Olivia props herself up on her elbow and shines the flashlight beam up toward the pipe that he has been working to loosen. "What would you do without me?" She teases gently and Elliot leans up to kiss her, tangling his fingers in her ponytail.

By the grace of God, he has never had to find out.

He settles himself back against the floor and uses both hands to unscrew the bolts. Olivia reaches with her left hand to help hold the pipe he is working on. "Hey," he says softly, "Just remembered. You busy Saturday night?"  
"You want to take me on a date?" She asks, fluttering her eyelashes to make him laugh. "Something like that," he says, searching her face. "Cody and Meg invited us over for pizza. They wanna meet you."  
Olivia's eyes are wide as she smiles. "I'd love that," she replies, nodding.  
"Really?" Elliot asks, leaning up without thinking and bumping his temple against the cabinet.

"Ow," he grimaces, laughing as he lays back down. "Oh, poor baby," Olivia laughs. "Are you okay?" She fights to keep a straight face as she slips her left leg over both of his bent knees and settles against him intimately.  
"Liv," he drawls through his laughter, holding onto her waist as she kisses his temple. "Yes?" She answers lightly, feigning innocence.

Above him, she is all bright eyes and wavy hair and she is sexy as hell. She buries in against his shoulder, kissing his neck and he can't stop laughing. It hasn't been an hour since they've been upstairs in bed, but he wants her again. Right now. His jeans are becoming uncomfortable and he knows his back is going to make him pay for this in the morning, but he doesn't care. To hell with everything in the entire world except for Olivia. For her fingers tracing the cotton of his t-shirt, for the weight of her perfect body resting against him, the softness of her breasts pressing into his chest. She gives a quiet breath that warms the crevice between his neck and his shoulder.

"Love you," Elliot rumbles. He can't kiss her from his position beneath her so he slips his hands under the light sweatshirt that she wears, running his palms reverently over her bare skin. "Do we really get to do this forever?" Olivia whispers and the sound of her voice makes his eyes fill.

He is glad that she is tucked securely against him because he needs this moment. Forever. _Forever._ He understands her need to ask the question, the breathy cadence of her voice, because they've spent their lives risking so much. They have spent so many years immersed in the fragility and the volatility of life that there are times when all of this, this being together so simply, feels terrifying extravagant.

"Yes," he answers easily, nodding against the top of her head with all the conviction in the world. He wants her to know that this is their reality, their life now. The monsters are dying, the bad dreams fading with the morning light. Now they get to be just like everybody else; simply, honestly, truly, together.  
"I'm so in love with you. You gotta know," he whispers, rubbing the soft skin of her back. He feels Olivia's nod against his shoulder.  
"Me too," she whispers, pressing the lightest kisses to his jaw, his cheek, his neck. He can feel her eyelashes brushing against his skin and he just holds her. He wants to hold her like this for the rest of their lives.

The sound of his cell phone ringing meets his ears and Olivia kisses him swiftly before she moves away from him. Elliot lays still for a moment, closing his eyes against the ache of the want he constantly feels for her. He hears her voice above the sound of the phone's ring. "El," she starts.

"You can answer it, hon," he replies. He doesn't have any problem with her answering his phone. She knows every single one of his secrets. "No El," Olivia says again and he can hear the hesitation in her voice. "It's Kathy," she elaborates and he finally understands.  
"Oh, it's okay. I'm coming," he tells her, slowly moving out from underneath the sink and grasping the counter to help him to stand. Elliot ignores the stiff way Olivia is holding herself as he reaches for the phone in her hand.

"Hey Kath," he says, answering on the final ring.

"Hi El," Kathy replies and in the background behind her, he can hear the Scooby-Doo theme song coming from the TV and it makes him smile. Olivia moves to take a step around him and he reaches out to grasp her arm. When her dark eyes meet his gaze he sees more than twelve years of trepidation. While her first instinct is to distance herself, his is to reach for her. Ever so gently, he tugs her toward him until she settles against him. He rubs her back until she lets her shoulders fall and exhales a breath she didn't realize she was holding.

Elliot knows what this is and won't let the fear have either of them. "Shh," he whispers into her hair so that only she can hear. He kisses the top of Olivia's head as she slips her arms around him and rests her cheek against his shoulder. He holds the phone to his ear with his left hand and Olivia with his right.

"How are you, Kath?" He asks, "What's going on?"

"I'm good, El. I know Eli chatted your ear off last night, but I didn't get to talk to you. The girls had a lot of fun when they were with you guys last month," Kathy says. Elliot smiles and nods against the top of Olivia's head. "Yeah, we loved having them," he tells her.

"How's Liv doing?" She asks tentatively and the sound of her voice causes Olivia to draw back and look up at him. She nods and motions toward the phone. He searches her dark eyes for a moment before he speaks again. "Liv's right here, Kath. I'm gonna put you on speaker, okay?"  
"Sure," Kathy replies and Olivia nods again in reassurance.

Elliot sets the phone down onto the counter top and presses his lips to the top of her head. "Hi Kath," Olivia greets his ex-wife and he can hear Kathy's smile when she speaks. "Hi Liv, how are you?"  
"I'm good. I'm doing well. Thank you for asking."  
"Absolutely," Kathy replies earnestly. "We were really worried about you for a little while." She pauses for a moment before she speaks again. "I was telling Elliot that Lizzie and Kathleen had a lot of fun with you guys."  
Olivia gives a soft laugh, "They're amazing," she says and Kathy laughs gratefully in return.

"I wanted to talk to you both about something. El, do you remember my friend, Susan?"  
Elliot wracks his brain and settles on a memory. "She's the author, right?"  
"Yes," Kathy answers. "She's releasing a new book next week and she's having a get together this Saturday in D.C. She invited me and I would really like to go so it got me thinking."  
Elliot's mind is reeling too quickly and he has to slow himself down. He has to stay in the present, to hear Kathy out. If she is saying what he thinks she is saying...  
"I don't know what you plans are and I don't want to mix anything up for you guys, but I wanted to ask if you'd like to take Eli for the weekend?"

Elliot closes his eyes and he feels the warm press of Olivia's palm rubbing his back. She is now soothing him. His son. He gets to spend the weekend with Olivia and his son. He gets to watch the world through those big blue five year old eyes and he has the chance to watch Eli interact with Olivia.

"We'd love that," Olivia answers quickly because she knows that he can't speak.  
"Oh fantastic!" Kathy says and she sounds surprised as though she was unsure of what to expect. "Okay," she says, "Um...how about I drop him off at work with you on Friday afternoon, El?"

Elliot swallows hard and works to find his voice. "Yeah, Kath. That'll be great. Thank you."  
Kathy laughs softly. "Thank you, guys. If he weren't down for the count on the couch right now, I'd have him talk to you. But I'll tell him in the morning and I'm sure he'll call you, El. He'll be so excited."  
Olivia stifles her laughter into his shoulder and he knows she finds it amusing as all get out that his son falls asleep in front of the TV the same way that he does.  
"Thanks Kath. I'll talk to you soon," he says, hanging up the phone and onto Olivia.

* * *

He tosses the last of the wet laundry from the washer into the dryer before he turns to see Olivia.

She is leaning up against the door frame and in her hands she holds the memo pad that usually rests on the kitchen counter. "When Eli comes, what do we need to have on hand from the grocery store?" She asks, absently tapping her pen against her hand.

"Good thinking," Elliot says, pressing his palm to her waist as he moves past her and toward the pantry. He surveys the inventory inside the cabinets.  
"I already have the Yoda waffles down," she informs him and he grins at her over his shoulder. "Okay. Let's say...peanut butter, but it's gotta be crunchy...Jelly."  
"Any specific kind?"  
"Yeah. Strawberry, but without the seeds," he replies. Olivia nods, taking down notes.  
"I have to check on the dinosaur chicken nugget situation in the freezer, but other than that it's just our usual," he tells her as she moves with him toward the door to the basement.

"Sounds good," Olivia says, tearing off the sheet of note paper. Heidi follows him down into the basement and toward the freezer. His dog sits at his feet and waits patiently for a snack of ice cubes from the frozen tray.  
"Yeah, Liv. Add the T-Rex to the list," he calls from the bottom of the stairs. "Okay," she replies and he can hear the sound of her soft laughter. He checks on the detergent and the bottled water before he and Heidi make their way back up the stairs.

"Liv, we could use some more-" Elliot stops speaking when Olivia steps into the kitchen from the mudroom with her coat in her arms and her purse slung over her shoulder.  
"Where you going?" He asks softly, praying that the sudden sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach is for nothing.  
Olivia glances up at him as she sorts through her purse. "I'm going to run down to the store tonight, so that you don't have to do it tomorrow."

Elliot holds himself still in the middle of the living room. "Don't worry 'bout it, Liv. It's on my way home," he tells her, trying to keep his voice level.  
"I know," she says gently, "But I want to take care of it tonight."  
He swallows hard and slips his hands into his pockets to prevent them from shaking. "It's seven-thirty," he says slowly. He is trying to use it as an appeal to her rational side, but he realizes too late how ridiculous he sounds.

Olivia looks up at the digital clock above the stove and nods, tucking her cell phone into her purse. "That's good," she replies absently, "It's still early. I'll be back in an hour or so."

Elliot watches her as she slips her arms into her parka and brushes her bangs away from her eyes. He can't help the way his stomach rolls and the feeling pushes him to speak again. "Liv," he says her name and when she looks over at him she reads his expression and her eyes are wide.  
"Are you okay?" She asks, moving toward him and touching his forearm. He can't breathe let alone speak and he doesn't know how to tell her.  
"Please don't do this," he manages, shaking his head.  
"El, what's-" she starts.

"You don't have to do this tonight. Let me come with you," he says, moving to step around her, but Olivia presses her hands to his chest. "Elliot," she says, "Look at me."  
She asks for the one thing he can not do because if he looks at her now everything will come flooding back.  
"I have to do this on my own," she elaborates, choosing her words carefully as her eyes search his face.

Elliot worries his lip until he tastes blood and he tries to think. Olivia has driven plenty of times since the doctors cleared her, but always in daylight and always by his side. He knows that he is being completely irrational and he is angry with himself for it, but what she is doing tonight is unnecessary. How can she take such a risk so soon after-?

"El." Olivia tries again and this time she reads his mind. "It's been more than a month," she reasons.

He looks at her then and all at once he is angry. He is angry because of all the things that he can't control. He is angry because she is expecting him to forget something that is etched into his memory for the rest of his life. He knows it will fade with time, but he can't erase the moments seared into his consciousness.

"You want me to try to forget?" He asks shortly, stepping around her and moving toward the kitchen. "Gonna take a hell of a lot longer than a month."

"Elliot," she says, turning toward him with a hint of exasperation in her voice. "I'm here and I'm fine. That's what you have to focus on."

"I _am_ focusing on that. You're here and you're fine," he repeats her words, "No reason for you to do something like drive to the supermarket tonight to prove that you're okay."

"I'm not trying to prove anything," Olivia shoots back, shaking her head.  
"You wanna try that again and mean it?" Elliot asks and she glares at him, but remains silent so he continues to speak. He knows her. She forgets that he knows her. He forces himself to take a breath then and he is grasping, reaching, trying to reason with her. "You don't have to do this."

"I know I don't, but I want to," she says, zipping her coat and searching her pockets for her gloves. She isn't paying attention, she isn't listening to him and he is becoming more frantic by the second. He knows he should calm the fuck down, but he can't let her walk out that door. It's ridiculous, it's unnecessary, and it's her. He shakes his head because he has to make her understand what is going through his mind.

"We've got one vehicle, Liv. The truck. What if something happens to you? How the hell am I supposed to-"  
"The paramedics will call you," she interrupts breezily as though she is talking about something simplistic like the weather.

"Olivia," he rasps. His voice is half-surprised and half-battered.  
" _Nothing_ is going to happen to me, Elliot." She says it with a certainty that grates on him as she grasps the back of one of the kitchen chairs.  
"You can't know that!" He fires back, bracing his hands on the counter top.

"Neither can you!" Olivia reasons heatedly, "You're not God, El. You can't protect me from everything."

Her words sting with truth that he doesn't want to acknowledge, so he ignores her completely and continues to speak. "Put yourself in my place for a minute. It's dark and fucking freezing and you're driving with your two kids in the car. You come upon a wreck and I'm unconscious inside. What do you do?"

Olivia shakes her head and steps back from the table. "I don't want to hear this!" she says, holding up her hands in front of her as if she might ward off the images that his words conjure.

"Then you can't tell me to let just it go, damn it! You weren't there, Liv. You don't know!" Elliot presses, turning away from her toward the window. The sky is black and all he can see is his reflection in the glass.

"That's not fair and you know it," Olivia retorts hotly. "I have to start to do things on my own again. This isn't going to get any easier and I can't keep sitting here waiting for my life to start again."

He reels around at her words. "What the hell's that supposed to mean? You've been on pause? What's gonna happen when you press start?" He asks furiously. He is afraid of what he is hearing, afraid of her answer. He knows this is a dangerous combination. A fatal cocktail, fear and anger mix together and conspire to wreak havoc on anything held dear.

"I don't know!" Olivia cries, "That's why I have to do this. It's a first step to getting myself back on my feet, by myself."  
"Why do you always think you have to be by yourself?" He asks. Sometimes she exhausts him with her need for independence. He can't understand why she doesn't want to stay right here. Maybe he isn't enough for her, maybe this isn't what she wants...

"Because for the vast majority of my life, I've been on my own," she replies fiercely. She is explaining this to him as though he is some stranger, as though he hasn't been there for so many of those moments.

"But you're not anymore," he pushes. He continues to fight because he is trying to get her to comprehend what he can see so clearly. "I want the rest of my life with you, Olivia. Doesn't that mean anything to you?"

"It does!" She cries, "Of course it does, but for the time being I'm going to be alone." Elliot shakes his head and focuses on the floor beneath his feet.  
"I have to go back to work," Olivia reasons and he knows she doesn't miss the way he flinches as though she has slapped him.

"Soon," she presses on angrily. "No matter how much I want to start a life with you, no matter how much I want to marry you, I have to do this first. I have to go back to work and you can't protect me in New York. You can't come drive me around Manhattan just because you're afraid of losing me!"

There it is. She breaks him. She has to know that she is the only person in the world with this power and the knife she is wielding has a razor sharp blade of truth. Elliot is surprised that he isn't bleeding on the outside, given the invisible searing wound to his chest.

He looks up at her one last time and he can't tell whether her eyes are full or his are brimming.

"I know the way that you are with me because I'm the same way with you. I wish this never would have happened. I wish you never would have been there at the accident," she says, her voice is deathly quiet.

He turns unsteadily away from her because he can't listen anymore. When she talks like this, he knows she will incinerate him from the inside out. "What was I supposed to do? Let you die?" He asks, sarcastically.

Their words no longer hold any meaning, they are chaotic and haphazard and bruising. They are both fighting for vastly different things or maybe it's all the same, he isn't sure anymore. All he knows is that she is going to leave. Whether it be for an hour or for a year, it will all feel the same. She is going to walk out the door and there isn't anything he can say or do that will change her mind.

"You didn't know it was me in the car," Olivia says furiously, whisking his keys off the table with a loud clatter. She plunges onward recklessly and Elliot doesn't have time to brace himself before her final onslaught. "But if it would have been easier on you, then yes! No one asked you to rescue anyone!"

Her words hit him like the most brutal punch. The garage door closes with a harsh snap and then she is gone. Olivia is gone. There isn't any air left in his lungs and his legs give out as he sinks down onto his knees once more, praying for a redemption song merciful enough to save them both.


	26. Chapter 26

**Author's Note** : Thank you all so much for all of your feedback. I can't say it enough how much I appreciate every single reader.

* * *

The keening is high-pitched and staccato. It wanes only to begin again. It takes time before he recognizes it for what it is. "Heidi," he rasps, "C'mere." Elliot tilts his head back against the cabinet and when he reaches out to touch her, his arm feels leaden. His dog stands two feet away and cocks her head as she gazes at him. She bumps his hand with her wet nose, but she doesn't move any closer. He knows that the last hour has upset her. Heidi isn't used to hearing raised voices and he is sure that their arguing has her unsettled.

"I'm sorry," he whispers, ghosting his palm over the soft fur at the top of her head. He is no longer sure who he is talking to.

She gives a quiet bark, letting him know that she has to go out. He pushes himself up from off the floor and his stomach rolls violently as he stands. He doesn't bother to grab a coat or lace his boots in the mudroom and he turns off the lights as he follows Heidi through the house. She sits at his side and waits as he pulls the sliding glass door open and then she is gone, bounding off into the night. For an instant, fear sluices over his skin and he bites his tongue because he wants to call her back, but he doesn't. Heidi will be okay and he has to let her go.

He steps out onto the deck and closes the door behind him. The snow is light and powdery beneath his feet and his boots make the softest crunching sound across the blanketed porch. He leans forward and rests his bare forearms against the frozen wood of the railing. Goosebumps form on his skin, but he doesn't even feel the chill.

As his eyes adjust to the darkness around him, he focuses on breathing, on slowing his heart rate. Elliot can make out his breath in front of him, forming in puffs of warm air against the cold night, a tangible reminder that he is still alive.

 _Our Father, who art in Heaven, hallowed be Thy name;_ _  
_For all the thousands of thoughts he has had racing through his brain over the last half-hour, his mind now feels strangely blank. The anger is dissipating and the remorse is setting in. He is so damned sorry.  
His tension is slowly fading and exhaustion is taking its place. His head is heavy on his neck and his eyes burn with tiredness. He recognizes this for what it is.  
 _Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done, on Earth as it is in Heaven._  
Surrender.  
 _Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us;_  
He has only ever felt this way once before, many months into therapy, after he stopped trying to spend every beat of his heart atoning for ending a young girl's life.  
 _And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. Amen._  
Surrender.

Olivia is right. Of course, she is. " _...you're afraid of losing me!"_ Hell yes, he won't ever deny that, nor will he apologize for it. He realizes that if he wants to keep her in his life, there is something else far more important that he has to acknowledge. _Acceptance._

 _"You're not God, El. You can't protect me from everything."  
_  
She's right. There is no control. He doesn't hold it in the palms of his hands any more than she does. He can't stop gunmen or fires or car crashes. His own body bears evidence of the blistering burn of knives and bullets and terror. _Relinquishment_. He has to give this up, this illusion that he alone is able to protect her.  
It's ludicrous and he sees it now for what it truly is: fear.

Twelve years of Catholic school and so many more of listening to the readings at mass, week after week, and it's taken him until right now to get it...John verse...something. _There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment and whoever fears has not been perfected in love._

He is afraid of losing her and he doesn't even think divine intervention could change that. He knows that vulnerability comes with loving. His heart is already torn into five different pieces that walk around New York everyday. They are beautiful, successful, funny children, and they are his.  
Just as he has had to learn how to let his children go and grow, he has to do the same with Olivia. He has to trust her for everything that she is. He has to trust her instincts, her feelings, her emotions. He has to trust her for the boundlessly capable woman that she is. He knows he has to trust himself, too. He has to have faith. Letting the fear and the anxiety creep in will obliterate everything they have worked so hard to build for themselves and for their family.

His love for Olivia has to be stronger than his fear of losing her. He has to do this for her, for their future, and perhaps most importantly, for himself. He isn't any good to anyone if he is weighed down by his own worry.

He knows that this isn't going to happen overnight. It's going to take time, grace, guts and diligence. It's going to take copious amounts of patience on both of their parts. He is praying that Olivia will bear with him and for the strength that he will be able to extend the same gentleness with himself that she would.

He has to let go, let go of her and let go of the control that he has never held in the first place.  
The only thing that he can hold onto is her hand, for as long she wants him to.

Hindsight is crystal clear and Elliot sees how poorly he has handled their argument. He should have kept his mouth closed and let her speak. He should have acknowledged her feelings, as well as his own.  
Instead, he made things worse by arguing with her, by pushing back when she inched forward. He should have told her to go and do and try. He should have told her that he would wait for forever if she needed him to. But he didn't because he is human and he makes mistakes, just like she does. This isn't the first time he has screwed up, nor will it be the last. He loves her, loves her so fiercely that sometimes it's a cacophonous, driving thunderstorm inside of him; other times it's a quiet, steady thing like the beat of his heart. No matter what, it's always there. She is part of him and he is wholeheartedly hers. There are so many things he wants to tell her, so much he needs to apologize for.

Elliot has no idea how long he stands there in the dark. He doesn't want to go inside because he knows that he will be tempted to watch the clock. Heidi leans against his shin and he can feel her warm weigh through the stiff denim of his jeans.  
He looks up toward the sky and it strikes him that the night of the accident was cloudy, but this evening the heavens are bright. The inky blackness above is clear and the constellations are crisp in the cold air.

Heidi lets out a bark suddenly and Elliot jumps at the sound. He turns around just as the light turns on in the kitchen. Olivia is back. The thought makes his chest ache for a moment because despite everything, she has come home. Elliot rubs his hand roughly over his jaw and pushes himself away from the railing.

He wants to give her a moment because he doesn't want to crowd her. She doesn't know that he can see her from where he stands on the porch, but she can see Heidi. His dog's nose is pressed up against the glass and her tail is wagging furiously.

"Heidi! What are you-?" His dog slips inside as Olivia slides the door open. She stops speaking when her gaze meets his in the dark. Her eyes are rimmed with red and God help him, she has been crying.

Olivia clings to the handle of the sliding glass door and takes a breath. "Liv," Elliot rasps and she shakes her head.  
"Aren't you freezing?" She asks and he watches her shiver beneath her heavy parka. He tilts his head and shrugs slightly and Olivia motions for him to follow her inside. Only when he steps into the warmth of the kitchen does he realize how cold he has been.

"You okay?" He tries again, studying the straight line of her back, the stiff way she is holding herself, "Please Liv." He isn't sure what he is asking for, but he knows he needs to get her to look at him. She is the anchor in the storm, the only thing that can safely ground him and lead him ashore. Elliot swallows hard, reaching out to touch the small of her back. "Liv, I'm so-"  
"I'm so sorry," she whispers on a broken hush as she turns toward him. In the light, he can see the lingering streaks of her tears on her cheeks and she breaks his heart.  
"Olivia," he starts slowly, but she presses her palm to his chest.  
"No, please. You have to let me talk," she interrupts. Elliot nods as he brushes a wayward strand of her hair behind her ear with his fingertips. "Okay," he whispers simply. He will do anything she asks.

She takes his hand and he lets her lead them toward the couch. She shrugs out of her coat and sits down to his right. She leans forward, wrapping her arms around herself and he copies her motion, resting his elbows on his thighs. All at once, he is reminded of another night when they sat like this. Early in the morning, on the steps outside his apartment building in the city. She had handed him a cup of coffee while she sipped tea. They has both been bruised and marred and adrift, but still she had come to him. He had wanted to slip his arm around her that morning, to hold her for a little while, but he had finalized his divorce only hours before. It felt sacrilegious to touch her with that thought so fresh in his mind, not when she deserved so much more.

Olivia tilts her head toward him and her bangs frame her perfect eyelashes. "I'm so sorry," she whispers again. "I've been so frustrated with myself since the accident because I've been out of my element. I haven't been able to work and I haven't had a goal or a routine or anything. I've had to rely on you for so much and tonight after we talked with Kathy I thought here's something I can do to help you with Eli. And I got upset because you were right and I didn't want to hear it. I _was_ trying to prove something to myself and to you and I shouldn't have done it that way."  
Olivia takes a shuddering breath and Elliot reaches out and rubs her back beneath his palm. She presses her trembling fingers into his thigh before she moves to stand up.

"I didn't mean any of those things I said and I know I hurt you. I love you so much and I'm so sorry." She reaches for him then, tentatively at first, as though she doesn't expect him to hold her. Like hell, she will ever find a reason to doubt how much he loves her. Olivia presses her fingers into the muscles of his back as he stands and cradles her against himself.

"Can you look at me?" Elliot whispers into her hair. The top of her head bumps his chin before she meets his gaze. "I'm so sorry, Liv."  
"El, don't-" She starts and he presses his lips to her forehead, silencing her protests. "Just listen," he whispers, shushing her. "I shouldn't have reacted like that. I should have just let you go." He cradles the nape of her neck with his palm. "You're right, 'bout everything. I'm scared to death of losing you and nothing's ever gonna change that. There's things I can't protect you from and I have to work on accepting that." He swallows hard and Olivia reaches up to trace his jaw with her fingertips while he tries to find his breath against her. "I need you to know that I trust you, everything you are."  
He watches her dark eyes as he holds her tightly, trying to impress this upon her. "I won't let this happen again. I won't ever stop listening to you."

She sinks against his shoulder before she speaks again.

"Do you remember the Sennet case?" She asks and he exhales roughly. Olivia looks up at him and he shakes his head. "You're reading my mind," he says softly.  
"Do you remember what you said to me that night?" She continues, "About needing space to disagree with me without worrying that it was going to break us?"  
"Yes," he answer truthfully.  
"All I could think that whole time I was gone was how much I believe that about us. No matter how upset I was, I knew that you were going to be here when I got home." Olivia's dark eyes are searching, seeking. She ducks her head and he brushes her ponytail away from her warm skin at the nape of her neck before she meets his gaze once more. "'Cause this is what couples do, right? They disagree and they make up and they love each other. Right?"

Elliot can't help but grin. He loves her. He loves her for all that she is, all that she gives him, her tentative and her bold and he loves it all. He kisses her then once, twice. She has all the answers, but she has never done this before and so she is still uncertain. He is going to make sure that she understands that what she feels about them to be true is real. "Right," he replies, kissing her forehead.

Olivia takes a breath against his shoulder as he holds her. "Can I tell you something else?" He whispers and he feels her nod against him. "I think you're wrong 'bout what you've been doing here. Your job for these past couple weeks has been taking care of yourself, so that you _can_ go back to work."

Olivia looks up at him and watches the way her eyes change as she considers his words. "How'd you get to be so smart?" She whispers and her voice lilts as she smiles.  
"I dunno, maybe you're finally rubbing off on me," Elliot replies, stifling her laughter against his mouth.

* * *

He is washing his face as Olivia sidles into the bathroom and perches on the edge of the sink beside him. Elliot presses his hand to her knee before he moves to dry his face on his towel. "Can I ask you something?" She starts and he turns to look at her.  
"Anything," he nods. "You okay?"

There is an expression playing out over her beautiful face that he can't quite define. She tilts her head and furrows her brow as if she is trying to understand something. He steps closer to her, moving to stand between her parted thighs.  
"I think so," Olivia replies, nodding slowly. She bites down on her lower lip until he bends to kiss it free. "Talk to me," Elliot whispers, touching her waist. Her gaze travels from his eyes down to his chest. "Were you wearing this all night?" She asks, tracing her fingers against the worn cotton of the gray t-shirt he wears.  
"Since I got home," he answers. Olivia nods again, almost imperceptibly before she speaks.

"You were wearing this the night of the accident," she says carefully. It isn't a question and Elliot shakes his head. "No, I threw all those clothes-"  
Realization hits like a wave of cold water and he freezes against her. She is right.  
Gray.  
Standing in the bathroom of the hospital, stripping off a t-shirt soaked in her blood. A gray t-shirt. Is it possible? Is it _possible?_

"El," Olivia breathes, bringing him back beside her. She is searching his eyes and she must find the answer there because she continues. "I think I remember." Elliot swallows hard as he intertwines her fingers with his own against his chest. "What do you remember?" He rasps, studying the perfect wisp of her eyelashes, the curve of her lips.  
"You know how sometimes you wake up from a dream and you can't for the life of you remember what you were dreaming about?" Olivia's breath is warm against his neck and her voice is sleepy.

"Sure," he whispers. Olivia presses her leg to the back of his thigh, urging him closer. He brushes her bangs away from her eyes.  
"That's how I feel about the accident. Like there are wisps of things that come back to me, but I don't even know if they're real," she finishes, shaking her head and sliding her arms around his neck.  
"Tell me," Elliot whispers, kissing her temple. Olivia shakes her head. "Did they put me on a backboard?" She asks and he nods. "Yeah. I had you in my lap and they slid the board in over my knees and I had to lay you down and-" Elliot clenches his jaw and he knows Olivia can feel the way his body involuntarily tenses. "I had to let you go," he finishes, holding onto her waist as she traces the nape of his neck with her fingertips.

"I think I remember the ambulance, being in the ambulance, but after that I don't know..." She takes a deep breath and shrugs her shoulders, letting them fall in time with her exhale. "How can I remember this?" She whispers.  
Elliot bites the inside of his cheek, trying to understand. They both know that sometimes repeating a behavior connected to a traumatic event can bring back memories that one didn't know they had. If driving tonight on her own for the first time since the accident caused her to remember...

"That's a question for Huang, Liv. Not me," he whispers gently, rubbing his hands up and down her back before she leans forward and lets the full weight of her head fall against his shoulder. By that feeling alone, he knows that she is exhausted. "Let's get you to bed," he whispers as she burrows into his neck. "I love you," she mumbles and Elliot kisses her cheek. He holds her legs around his waist as he carries her out to the bed and sets her down on the comforter. Olivia lays back on her pillow and she is asleep before he can pull the blankets up to cover her.

* * *

Elliot slings his coat over his arm and checks his watch once more as he slips out of the back of the room. The meeting has run over, but he has a good reason as to why he can't stay any longer.  
His son is downstairs.  
He pulls his phone from his pocket as he waits for the elevator. There are two recent messages, the first is from Kathy, letting him know that they've arrived. The second, he is sure, is from Eli because it makes him laugh. The message contains a picture of a teenage mutant ninja turtle action figure sitting on a stone fountain that he recognizes from outside his building.

The elevator doors open and Elliot steps out into the open lobby and looks around. He sees his son before Eli sees him. Eli is sitting on a bench beside Kathy, his little feet clad in bright orange sneakers are dangling in midair because his legs aren't long enough to touch the floor. Elliot watches his son for as long as he can before Eli lifts his head and those bright blue eyes meet his own.

"Daddy!" Eli shrieks, pushing himself off the bench and running as fast as his little legs can carry him. "Hi buddy!" Elliot cries, scooping him into his arms and showering kisses down onto his face. His son giggles and snuggles in against him for a moment, his perfect curls tickle Elliot's neck.  
"How you doing, pal?" He asks, glancing up and grinning as Kathy approaches, carrying Eli's duffel bag. He sets Eli down onto the floor and his son's bright blue eyes are wide when he speaks again.

"Good, Dad! Mommy got me ice cream at the ice cream place. I got the one with the cookies in it and guess what color sprinkles?"  
"I dunno, buddy," Elliot replies with a shrug.  
"Guess!"  
Elliot grins. "Red?"  
"No."  
"Blue?"  
"No. That's _your_ favorite," Eli says, tugging on his hand. "I got green, Dad! Just like the Ninja Turtles!"  
"Aw, I should've know," Elliot replies with a chuckle as he meets Kathy's gaze. "What are you trying to do to me?" He teases gently, "This kid's never gonna sleep again."

His ex-wife laughs. "He'll be exhausted by the time you get him home. He talked the entire car ride here." Elliot slips his arm around her briefly before he reaches out to take the bag slung over her shoulder. "How was your drive?" He asks.  
"Not bad at all," she replies, shaking her head.

Kathy reaches for their son and hugs him close. "I love you. Be good for your Dad and Olivia, okay?" Eli nods vigorously and his blonde curls bounce.  
"I will," he promises before he flashes an impish grin. Elliot laughs and shakes his head.  
"I'm so glad this worked out," Kathy says, brushing her light hair away from her face.  
"Me too," he replies, clutching Eli's squirming little hand in his own. They make their way out toward the parking lot and Elliot slows his walk to match Eli's considerably shorter stride. He can feel Kathy's gaze on him as they head toward her Subaru. "Please tell Liv I said hello," she says gently.

"Will do," Elliot replies, "You'll see her on Sunday when we drop off this little guy."

Kathy smiles. "I'm glad. You're doing okay?"  
"Yeah," he answers simply because it's true. "You?"  
Her smile widens. "Yes, everything's going well."

Elliot nods wordlessly and he doesn't press her for more information because he understands that this is their way of interacting. More than two decades of marriage and there is still some awkwardness in the ways that they talk to each other. It strikes him that he spent so many years beside Kathy, but he never really learned how to communicate with her.

Olivia is another story. They snap together like pieces of a puzzle. They have the same rhythms, that blessed unspoken shorthand that has existed between them from the very beginning. These days he tries not to analyze what the differences mean, rather he reminds himself to be thankful for what both women have taught him about living.

He clings to their son's hand as Kathy unlocks her car and places her purse onto the passenger seat. He watches her for a moment then. There is a lightness in his ex-wife that he hasn't seen in years. She has cut her hair since the new year and it skims the top of her shoulders covered beneath her coat. The blue of her eyes reflects the changing sky of the late afternoon. He wants to get Eli home, to get Olivia into his arms, but something holds him to the spot. Their son is tugging on his hand as he hops over a puddle near their feet, but Elliot is watching Kathy.

He wonders about what is to come for their joint future. He knows their lives will always be interwoven because of their children. He wonders about things like time and familiarity, destruction and resurrection, hope and the utter loss of it. He wonders about things like rules and protocol. He knows that he isn't good with words, but there are things that he feels he has to tell her, things he wants her to know.

He wonders what he is supposed to tell her when Olivia agrees to marry him, but he knows it has to be the truth. If he knows Kathy at all, she won't require an explanation, but that won't stop him from wanting to provide her with one. He wonders if it will seem like a justification, when he means it as a pouring out of truth. He doesn't want questions to linger in anyone's mind. He isn't trying to hide anything. He thinks about ideas like want and need and longing and how the road to hell is paved with good intentions, but so is the way to heaven. He knows now that contrary to Eli's belief, none of them are superheroes. They are human beings, flesh and blood with beating, broken, resilient hearts and they all do the best that they can with the cards they have been dealt.

He wants to tell her how much it means to him that she is so amiable to their arrangement with Eli and he wants to figure out a way to share their time with their youngest more fully. His heart belongs at the farmhouse and he can see every minute of the rest of his life with Olivia there, but if he has to rethink things and move closer to his son, he will. He is unsure of most of what the future holds, but he knows for certain that he and Olivia will never let his youngest son feel like an afterthought.  
His life could change again in an instant. Olivia could say yes, they could have children together, a family. The thought is dizzying with its potentiality and he can't let himself think too far ahead. He tries to take each minute as it comes, it is the only one that he is guaranteed, after all.

He can feel Kathy's gaze on his face. "Are you okay?" She asks gently, reaching out to touch his arm. He meets her eyes and he feels his lips quirk upward in a grin. "Yeah," he answers, "Just thank you." Kathy doesn't ask and he doesn't elaborate. It is the dance they have done for the length of their children's lives. She smiles at him before she leans down and takes Eli's face in her hands.

"I love you. Have fun," she tells him, kissing his cheek as he reaches up to hug her. "I love you. Have fun too," Eli echoes back before he dissolves into giggles. He swings on Elliot's arm, clutching his hand in his small fingers. "That rhymes, Dad!" He says excitedly. Elliot can't help but laugh and as they make their way across the parking lot toward his truck another verse occurs to him, _Become like little children_ and he thinks he finally understands what that means.

* * *

He tosses Eli's duffle bag into the rear seat before he turns back to his son.

"Ready, buddy?" Elliot asks, crouching down in front of Eli and holding him around his waist. "One, two, three, jump!" He says as he lifts Eli up into the truck. His son shrugs off his backpack and climbs up into his booster seat. Elliot reaches across to secure the buckle. He can feel Eli's little hand patting his shoulder and he presses a kiss to his son's curls. "I'm gonna see Liv, right Daddy?" Eli asks as he reaches for his backpack on the seat next to him.

"Right pal," Elliot answers, "She's waiting for you at home with Heidi. She can't wait to see you."  
His son flashes him a grin as he fishes through his backpack. "I drew Liv two pictures. One is of Spider-Man and the other one is of a pink flower. Drew you a picture too, Dad."  
"You did?"  
"Yep. But I can't show you 'cause it's a surprise," Eli explains, gesturing with his hand to emphasize his point.  
"Oh boy, I can't wait to see it," he replies, kissing his son's forehead lightly before he closes the door and climbs into the driver's seat. The light rain picks up as he starts out of the parking lot.

"You know what we get to do tomorrow, Eli?" Elliot prompts, watching his son's face in the rear view mirror.  
"Basketball. I get to play basketball tomorrow right?" His son asks hopefully.  
"That's right," Elliot nods, "With Carson and Danny. They can't wait to see you. Are you excited?"

"Really excited. I've been practicing, Dad, with my hoop in the garage. The big boy one is higher up though."

Elliot grins at the same time that the lump forms in his throat. He can picture it so clearly, his son tossing a miniature basketball into a hoop not much taller than he is. He is missing out on these moments with his son and that makes this weekend all the more important. He is trying not to set stock in a span of less than forty-eight hours, but he has a feeling about this weekend. He can't put his finger on it, but something has been pulling at him all day long. He can't describe it except that he feels as though they are on the precipice of something. There is a tangibility about this feeling, as though there is something in the air, a transformation, a becoming, a change.

"Can you get the ball in the big hoop? Did you know Dickie can? He took me to the gym with him and he lifted me up so I could put the ball in." Eli's words bring him back and he grins again at the thought of his oldest son helping his youngest.  
"Yeah, buddy. I can score in the tall hoop. That's great that Dickie took you to shoot. This camp tomorrow is for little guys like you, so I don't think you're gonna have to worry 'bout getting that ball in the big hoop."

"Okay Daddy. That's good," Eli replies with all the conviction of a child who, despite growing up right before Elliot's eyes, still wholeheartedly believes his father's every word.

* * *

Elliot leans against the counter top, nursing a beer as he watches his son with Olivia. Eli has been telling stories non-stop since they arrived at home and right now he is seated on Olivia's lap at the kitchen table. He is reading to her from a library book that he brought with him from school. His son moves his little index finger over the printed words on the page. Elliot knows that half of them are coming from Eli's imagination, but neither he nor Olivia would ever discourage him from trying.

Olivia's gaze drifts from his son's face to meet his own and she returns the grin he knows he must be wearing. Her dark eyes are alight with the gentlest emotion and she shakes her head ever so slightly in quiet awe of his child. _I love you_ , Elliot mouths and she nods in reply before she presses a kiss to the top of Eli's head. His son looks up from his book then.

"Are you listening to my story too, Daddy?" Eli asks curiously.  
"Sure am, buddy," Elliot replies, "It's a good one." His son smiles proudly and enlists Olivia's help to turn two pages that are stuck together. Heidi rests her chin on the chair beside Olivia's thigh and she reaches down to pat his dog's head each time they pause in their reading.

"See right here, Liv!" Eli cries, pointing to the picture on the next page. "Is that one your favorite?" Olivia asks, examining the watercolor dinosaurs and his son nods emphatically. "Yep. You know what he's called?"

"I don't know. Tell me," Olivia urges softly and Eli looks up into her face. "Don't worry, Liv. I'll teach you all 'bout them," he says as he reaches up to pat Olivia's cheek ever so gently. "He's called a brontosaurus. He had a reeeeaaallllyy long neck and a loooonnnnggg tail."

Elliot tries to hide his smile against the mouth of his bottle, but the urge to laugh is making it impossible to drink. Olivia's shoulders are shuddering with amusement and she buries her smile in Eli's curls once more. "How did you get so smart, Eli?" She asks.  
"I dunno. I just am," he answers candidly and Olivia can no longer keep her laughter at bay. "You're going to give your Daddy a run for his money," She tells him. Eli shakes his head seriously. "I don't really have any money, but I found a quarter in Lizzie's room under her bed. She said I could keep it."

Elliot laughs out loud then and his son grins widely at the sound. "You're hilarious, kid," he tells him. "When do you think it's time for bed?" Elliot asks because he genuinely wants Eli's input. His child has the most interesting way of seeing the world and he loves to hear his ideas. His son tilts his head as though he is genuinely considering the inquiry before he leans back against Olivia's chest and fails to stifle a yawn.  
"Uh oh," Olivia says softly, hugging Eli close. "Somebody's sleepy."  
His son giggles and when he shakes his head his curls fly every which way. "I'm not! I'm not sleepy," he informs them as his blue eyes slip closed, "I'm just resting."

Elliot laughs again as he steps toward them and lifts Eli up from Olivia's lap. "Oh boy, you're getting so big," he says, cradling his son to his shoulder. He snuggles in and Elliot can feel the softness of his baby's curls tickling his neck. "You're getting big too," Eli replies, patting Elliot's chest and Olivia dissolves into laughter from where she sits. "Kids say the darnedest things," she whispers and he grins at her over the top of his son's head. Heidi gets up and he can feel her moving around his legs and as she makes her way toward the stairs.

"Liv, can you bring my book please?" Eli asks drowsily, reaching out to touch Olivia's hand. "Of course, honey," she replies, standing up and brushing Elliot's arm with her fingertips. She presses a kiss to his unoccupied shoulder and he slips his hand against her waist. "You coming up?" He whispers and Olivia nods in confirmation.

* * *

"You wanna have a sleepover with me, Daddy?" Eli asks, while brushing his teeth. Elliot feels Olivia's gaze in the mirror and when he looks up and catches her eye in the reflection she laughs. He knows she thinks it is hilarious that his son is chatting with them through a mouthful of toothpaste, just like he does with her when they share the space in the bathroom. He nods, "I'll stay with you for a while, bud."

Elliot knows what is coming next when Eli turns to look at Olivia. "You wanna sleepover too, Liv?" He asks before he spits toothpaste all over the sink. Just as he goes to wipe his mouth on his sleeve, Olivia is already there with a washcloth, gently wiping his chin.

Elliot watches her take a breath and her eyes meet his again before she answers. "That's all right, Eli. You have a sleepover with your Daddy. I'll say goodnight now, okay?" She crouches down beside his son so that she is on his eye-level. He can see Eli's profile in the mirror and he is familiar with the puppy dog look his son is giving Olivia right now. Eli reaches for her and presses a wet toothpaste kiss to her cheek.

"Maybe tomorrow night we can build a fort?" He asks, clinging to her and not letting go. Olivia looks at Elliot with full eyes as she nods against his son's shoulder. _It's okay,_ he mouths and he watches her shaky nod before she answers. "I'd love that, Eli," she whispers, closing her eyes as she pulls away so that his son can't see her emotion.

Elliot ruffles his son's hair affectionately, distracting him so that Olivia has a moment to breathe. "Go get ready for bed. I'll be in in a couple of minutes," he tells Eli gently. "'Kay. C'mon Heidi," his son calls, moving into the bedroom in his Incredible Hulk onesie. Heidi jumps from the bed and happily follows Eli down the hall toward his bedroom.

Olivia stands against the door frame, holding herself. Elliot reaches for her, running his palms up and down her arms. "I'm okay," she whispers, meeting his eyes as she leans forward and settles in against his chest. He feels the way her fingers tremble just slightly against his back and her eyelashes are wet against his neck. "I know you are," he replies softly, pulling her close as he presses his mouth to her temple, her cheek, her lips. He knows. He knows that she is all right.

"I love you," she whispers, kissing his jaw. Elliot holds her for a moment more before Eli's little voice reaches their ears. "Dad! I'm ready for the sleepover!" His son exclaims from down the hall. Olivia laughs against his shoulder and her breath warms his neck. "Go see your baby," she whispers with a smile. He kisses her once more. "I love you. I'll be back," he tells her, letting go of her fingers only when he slips out into the hallway.

He stands in Eli's doorway for a moment, taking it all in. He can see his son's fluffy curls snuggled into the top bunk of his bunk bed while Heidi occupies the bottom one. How his son talked his dog into bunking with him, he will never know. Then again, Heidi adores Eli and Elliot is pretty sure she would do just about anything he asked her to. Her light fur is a stark contrast to the dark blue comforter that she lays upon.

"Hi Dad," Eli whispers loudly as he pokes his head up to see him standing by the door. Elliot grins and moves toward the bed. "Hi pal," he says, leaning his forearms up against the wooden railing that protects the top occupant from tumbling over the edge. He reaches out to touch Eli's soft hair.

"Daddy, do you and Liv have sleepovers in here?"

Elliot shakes his head and tries not to laugh. "No, buddy. You know who did sleep in here, though?"  
His son's eyes grow wide and he sits up in rapt attention. "I dunno! Who?"  
Elliot reaches out to tickle Eli's little belly. "Your sisters," he tells him.  
"My sisters!?" Eli repeats, collapsing back against his pillows in a fit of giggles. "What were they doing in here?"

"They wanted to see how cool it is to sleep in your bunk beds," Elliot explains, praying his son's curiosity ends right here. He need not have worried because Eli nods emphatically as though he completely understands. "I know," he gestures with his little hands when he speaks, "My room is _way_ cooler than their room."

Elliot laughs because his child is priceless. "You're right. It is _way_ cooler in here," he says, affirming his son's belief. He glances at his watch before he looks at Eli again. "  
What time's it?" His son asks, grasping Elliot's hand and leaning over so that he can see the watch. "How 'bout you tell me?" Elliot volleys back, prompting gently. "The small hand is on the...?"  
Eli purses his lips and tilts his head as he surveys the face the watch. "The eight," he answers.  
"Good," Elliot replies, "That's right. Now, tell me where the tall hand is?" His son continues to examine the watch. "It's sorta between the four and the five," he says, tapping the gold band of the watch on Elliot's wrist. "That's right," he tells Eli, "So that means..."

"Means it's eight four!" His son exclaims excitedly, "I did it. I telled time!"  
Elliot can't help the amusement that this child elicits in him. "You did. You're really close. Now listen, you don't know how to count by fives yet, do you?"

"I do, Daddy. I do. Five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten."  
"That's real good, buddy. Counting by fives means that you start with five and you add five more each time. So you start with five and you add five so..." Elliot holds out his hands in front of Eli. "How many fingers do I have?"

"Ten!"  
"Right, so how many fingers do I have on this hand?"  
"Five."  
"How many on this hand?"  
"Five more."  
"Exactly. So five plus five equals..."  
"Ten!"

"Right. Let's do ten plus five more," he instructs. Eli touches each of Elliot's fingers as he counts. "Eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen, fifteen!"  
"That's great. So, here's the deal. You see all these numbers on my watch?" He asks, pointing to the numbers and Eli nods.

"The little hand goes by all these numbers so it's one, or two, or three, all the way up to twelve. The big hand counts each number by _fives_ so when the tall hand points to the one it means that it's five minutes after whichever hour we're in. So you said the little hand is on the eight. If the big hand was on the number one, it would mean it was five minutes after eight. Eight 'o five. We said the big hand was between the four and the five. Where is it now, Eli?" He asks, tilting his wrist so his son can see.  
"It's on the five," Eli replies.

"That's right. So we're gonna count some more, okay? Can you hold up your hands out in front of you like me?" Elliot asks. Eli settles onto his back and stretches his arms out in front of him, his fingers spread wide apart.  
"Good," Elliot says, "Okay. Let's start with your right hand and let's count. One, two, three, four, five. That's right. We're counting by fives, so five is number one on my watch. Let's do some more. Six, seven, eight, nine, ten. Right. Ten is the number-"  
"Two!"  
"Two is right. Very good. Let's do five more on my hand."  
"Eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen, fifteen."  
"Good. If five is the one, and ten is the two, then three is..."  
"Fifteen!"  
"That's exactly right. We're almost there. Let's do five more."  
"Okay...What number was I on, Daddy?"  
"Uh..." Elliot shakes his head and tries to count on their combined outstretched fingers because for the life of him he can't remember.

"Fifteen," Olivia's whisper comes from behind him. He turns and gives her the most grateful grin. There is something about this moment that makes him want to kiss her even more than he usually does. The expression she wears is one of quiet deliberation, as though she is teetering on the edge of the doorway and she is about to make a decision as to whether or not she wants to come in.

"Hi Liv! Isn't my room cool?" Eli cries, still holding his position with his little hands stretched out in front of him.  
"It _is_ really cool in here, Eli," Olivia answers, moving closer to them. Elliot can feel the gentle press of her hand against his back as she comes to stand beside him. She smiles and Eli beams back. "Daddy's teaching me how to do time, but he forgot our number," his son explains.

Olivia laughs quietly and Elliot can't take his eyes off of her. She meets his gaze then for the briefest instant and he forgets how to breathe. He falls for her all over again at thirty-two minutes past eight. There is a smile lilting on Olivia's lips and he prays it has something to do with the fact that she knows. She knows how much he loves her. She knows her own worth and what she is worth to him. She knows that this moment is only the beginning, the first one in a very long succession of brutally beautiful memories to come.

Olivia's arm bumps his own as she too stretches out her hands in front of Eli. "We were on fifteen, Dad," she reminds them, momentarily resting her head against Elliot's shoulder. He takes a breath because he needs some damn composure.  
 _Eli._  
His son. He has to focus, focus on his child when all he wants to do right now is pick Olivia up and carry her back to their room. He wants to lay her down in their bed and kiss her, _kiss_ her. He wants to touch her, to slide his hands over every inch of her perfect body, to fall prostrate before her and let her know that she is the answer to everything he has ever, ever prayed for and more. The way she loves his son, the way she trusts and cares for them, for their family is inexpressible.

Somehow, Olivia must know the weight of his receding control because her thigh brushes against his own as she is shifting inches to her left, leaving a minuscule, but nevertheless unwanted space between their bodies. Elliot swallows hard and kisses the top of her head before he turns his gaze back to his son. By the grace of God, Eli hasn't taken in a second of what has just happened. He is counting on his little fingers. "Eight, nine, ten on my hands. Then eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen..." he counts Elliot's fingers and then he proceeds to Olivia's hands. "Twenty-six, twenty-seven, twenty-eight, twenty-nine...thirty! So thirty! So it's...eight thirty!" Eli exclaims and Elliot nods in confirmation. "That's right. Good job, buddy."

Eli pats Olivia's hand. "Good thing you were here, Liv. Dad and I didn't have enough fingers to count with." Olivia dissolves into laughter next to Elliot and as he wraps his arms around her, he thinks his son has just managed to convey more to her about her place in this world over the last five minutes than he has been able to in more than a dozen years.


	27. Chapter 27

**Author's Note:** Thank you all so much for your continued interest and feedback. I apologize for the delay in this. I had my mid-term exams, trouble with my internet connection at my apartment, and then after writing this chapter in its absolute entirety, I discovered that I was not satisfied with it and so I began again. All in all, this is incredibly belated and I thank everyone who continues to read. My heart absolutely breaks to say this, but I'm steadily nearing the end of this story. There will be three more chapters to come after this one. I will never be able to say _thank you_ enough... **  
**

* * *

"Can one of you guys help me tie my sneakers?" Eli calls from where he sits on the bench in the mud room. His heels knock against the wood of the bench and they make the softest thumping sound. "I don't think I did this right!"

"What do we say, bud?" Elliot asks patiently, putting the orange juice back in the refrigerator. "Oh! Please?" Eli corrects himself.

"That's right. Good job. I'll be right there," Elliot replies, looking up as Olivia makes her way into the kitchen with Heidi trailing just behind her.  
"I'll trade you," he tells her, taking his son's extra sweatshirt from her and slipping the other half of his bagel into her hand. "Thanks," she says, pressing her palm to his arm as they move in opposite directions.

"Eli, catch!" Elliot says before he tosses the navy sweatshirt through the doorway and into Eli's waiting arms. "I already got a sweatshirt on, Dad!" His son exclaims, pulling at the green cotton one he wears. "I know, bud. Do me a favor and stick it in your backpack just in case, okay?"

"Good thinking, Daddy," Eli says with a nod.

Olivia gives a soft laugh before she moves toward the pantry to put the syrup from Eli's pancakes away. Elliot steps behind her and touches her waist.  
"Why don't you go sit down?" He whispers, pressing his lips to her shoulder. "I will if you will," she replies lightly, taking a bite of her bagel and giving him a sideways glance. He shakes his head and grins because he knows full well that neither one of them will sit down to eat when they are under a deadline.

She catches his arm. "Do I look all right?" Olivia asks quietly, smoothing out the burgundy knit sweater she wears. Before he can answer her, Eli calls again from the mudroom. "You look super, Liv!"  
Olivia laughs before she peeks around the door to look at him. "Thank you, Eli," she replies and Elliot grins at her when she turns back to look at him.

"See? You look super," he tells her sincerely. He watches the way Olivia tilts her head and purses her lips as though she is trying to discern the best way to say something. "You look beautiful," he tries again, hoping it will alleviate whatever is bothering her.  
"I just want to make a good impression. That's all," she admits, laughing softly as though she is embarrassed by the notion.

There is something simultaneously heartfelt and heartbreaking about Olivia's desire to make sure that she does all the right things. He wants her to know that there isn't anything she could ever do that would be wrong. Meg and Cody are the last people in the world to judge anybody for anything because they have come through their fair share of trials. Olivia is trying to make sure that she measures up when he wants her to know that she doesn't have to do anything other than _be._

Elliot steps toward her until her lower back bumps the counter top. He brushes her bangs away from her eyes with his fingertips before he grasps her waist. "Don't worry 'bout anything," he whispers. She nods and kisses him lightly before her fingers find his wrist and she taps his watch, reminding him that they are on a time schedule.

He nods, kissing her once more before he grabs the cooler from the top of the refrigerator and sets it onto the counter. "Go help Eli. I'll pack the snacks," Olivia offers quietly, running her palm against his back. Elliot nods and before he can open his mouth to speak, they hear his son's voice calling from his seat in the mud room. "Yeah Dad! _Please_ come help Eli!"

Olivia's dark eyes go wide for a moment before she starts to laugh and Elliot knows why. They have to be increasingly careful about what they say when his son is around. Not only does Eli pick up on everything, but he also seems to have developed super-sonic hearing. Elliot shakes his head and he can't help his amusement.  
"I'm coming, kid," he says, moving into the mud room and crouching down in front of his son. Heidi follows him and promptly sticks her nose into Eli's backpack, sniffing curiously.

Eli is grinning from ear to ear and practically bouncing where he sits. One look at his son and just like that he is laughing again. "You're excited, huh?"

"Reeeaaaalllly excited!" Eli exclaims, patting Elliot's arm. He plants a kiss to his son's forehead before he tugs Eli's little sneaker-clad feet toward him. His son has managed to manufacture two loose jumbles of orange laces. "This is a good try. I'll go through this with you a little later on, okay?" Elliot asks, carefully untying the knots from the laces before redoing them properly. He looks up into his baby's giant blue eyes in time to see him nod emphatically. "'Kay, Daddy."

Olivia appears with Eli's coat in her hands and the strap of the cooler slung over her shoulder. "Are you guys ready?" She asks softly.  
"Yes!" Eli cries as he launches himself at Olivia and hugs her tightly for a moment before he speaks again. "Don't worry, Liv," he says, gazing up at her. "You always make good 'pressions."

Olivia's bangs obscure his view of her face, but Elliot knows that her eyes are filled with laughter and the sweetest surprise. Her hands are full so she can't hug Eli back, but that doesn't seem to matter to his son. She shifts his coat so that she can gingerly touch the soft curls that adorn Eli's head. Before either one of them can say anything, Eli lets Olivia go and slips his little arms into his coat with the dexterity of a much older child. His baby is growing up, but when Elliot looks at Olivia he nods his own answer to her question. They are ready. Together, they are more than ready for what is to come.

* * *

"Liv, did you meet my friends?" Eli asks from the backseat. His little voice carries over the hum of oldies on the radio. Elliot turns down the volume and feels Olivia's glance before she turns around in the passenger seat to smile at his son. "I haven't, Eli," she answers and he watches Eli's grin widen in the rear view mirror.  
"Oh! They're really cool, Liv. Their names are Carson and Danny and they're brothers. They're four and I'm five," Eli says, pointing to his chest, "But that doesn't matter 'cause we're friends. They're gonna be five soon, too." Eli continues to explain and in his peripheral vision, Elliot watches Olivia nodding along as she hangs on his son's every word.

"That's wonderful, Eli. I can't wait to meet them. Your Dad has told me a lot about them," she says, briefly leaning her head against Elliot's shoulder for emphasis. "We're gonna go to their house later for a pizza party and we're bringing Heidi!" Eli continues excitedly. Elliot puts on his turn signal as he steers the truck into the elementary school parking lot.

"Are we here? Are we really here?" Eli cries, looking out the window at the gymnasium.  
"Yeah, we're here," Elliot replies, watching in the mirror as his son tries to reach for the buckle of his booster seat on his own. Elliot shakes his head and when Eli catches his gaze, his son has the decency to look guilty.  
"Buddy, what did I tell you 'bout that?" He asks, putting the truck into park and reaching for the door handle. There is little that gets past Eli's keen powers of observation and he has figured out exactly how to unbuckle his booster seat without any help. Elliot worries that his son will unbuckle himself, whether accidentally or on purpose, someday while the truck is in motion. "Sorry Dad," he apologizes, wiggling around. "I didn't 'member. I'm just really excited!"

Elliot opens his door and steps out into the cold morning. He opens the door to the back seat and meets his son's sparkling blue-eyed gaze.

"We need to be safe, right?" He asks calmly. Sometimes he marvels at how much he has changed as a man and as a father. He isn't proud of the fact that he would have raised his voice in the past. He knows that it was the fear of something happening to one of his children that made him react as he did, combined with his own righteous anger at the horrors that were always so easily conjured in his mind, thanks to his hours on the job. He has always been desperate to protect all of his children, but he never understood how best to communicate with them until now.

Eli is positively about to burst from excitement, but he nods slowly and Elliot knows his son is humoring him for one moment more. "Right," Eli says delicately before he reaches out to pat Elliot's hand. "Now can you _please_ get me outta here?" He asks with all the seriousness in the world and in the front seat, Olivia has to hide her laughter beneath a well-timed cough.

Elliot holds Eli's left hand and Olivia holds his son's right as they make their way across the windy parking lot toward the entrance to the gymnasium.  
"Holy cow, guys!" Eli cries, shuffling his little feet over the salt-covered concrete. "It's cold. Brrrrrrr!"

"C'mon buddy, the faster we walk the sooner we get inside," Elliot reminds him, glancing across at Olivia before his son picks up his pace. When they make it into the warm lobby, Eli promptly divests himself of his hat and his curls are all the wilder for having worn it. Elliot watches Olivia try not to smile as she reaches to smooth his son's curls as best she can while Eli hops around excitedly, searching for his friends. He must be staring at her too much because when she meets his eyes, she immediately flushes and ducks her head as a smile tugs at her lips.

"Elliot!" He looks up at the sound of his name to find Cody making his way toward them from across the lobby. Eli meets him first, greeting Cody with a quick hug.  
"Hi Mr. Allen!" He squeaks excitedly as Cody ruffles Eli's curls fondly.  
"Hi Eli! It's great to see you!" Cody says before meeting both Elliot and Olivia's gazes. "Hey," Elliot says, extending his hand to shake Cody's as he slips his left arm around Olivia's waist. "Cody, this is-"

"Olivia," Cody interjects, the corners of his pale blue eyes crinkling as he grins widely. "Hi! It's so great to finally meet you," he says, reaching out to give her a hug.

Olivia smiles as she lets Cody go and brushes her hair behind her ear. "You too, Cody. I've heard so much about your family. Thank you for your service to our country," she says sincerely. Elliot looks down as Eli tugs on his fingers. "I gotta get my name tag, Daddy," he explains, motioning toward the sign-in table where a young girl sits, helping families.

"Okay," Elliot replies, excusing himself from Olivia's side and moving toward the table to make sure all of Eli's paperwork is in order.  
"Can you tell me your name?" The girl asks Eli. She is younger than Lizzie, probably about fifteen, but her quick smile reminds Elliot of his youngest daughter.  
"I'm Eli Stabler!" His son exclaims.  
"Thanks Eli," the girl says, looking over the list of name tags before she picks the correct one.  
Eli's eyes grow wide when he notices the color, bright ninja-turtle green, with _Eli S_. written across it in neat letters. "Is that mine?" Eli asks in wonder, "The _green_ one?"

Elliot can't help but grin as the girl helpfully slides the tag across the desk toward them. "You've just made his day," Elliot explains and she smiles.  
"Make sure you put that sticker on your shirt, Eli. That way everyone knows that you're on the green team."

Eli's blue eyes grow impossibly wider. "I'm on the green team?" He cries, as if this is the most overwhelming and exciting day he has experienced in his entire five years of life. The girl laughs and nods. "Yep. Just go right into the gym and sit with your team and they'll be getting started soon."

Elliot grins at his son's precious little face and they both thank the girl before moving back toward where Olivia and Cody stand. Eli immediately grasps Olivia's hand in his own when he reaches her side. "Look Liv, I'm on the green team!" He exclaims pointing to the name tag stuck smack in the middle of his t-shirt.

"Oh my gosh, Eli! How did they know that's your favorite?" Olivia asks, crouching down to his eye-level.  
"How 'bout that?" Cody says, grinning as Elliot moves to stand beside him. "The boys are on the green team, too." Elliot exchanges a grateful glance with him because he is sure it isn't serendipity that has placed all three of the boys together, but rather a thoughtful little birdie named Meg.

"Danny and Carson? No way!" Eli throws his hands in the air before he shrugs off his coat and hands it to Olivia. "Thanks Liv. Let's go! We gotta go meet my team!" He clutches Olivia's hand as they make their way into the gymnasium. Elliot lags a few steps behind with Cody, watching them walk.

He spots Meg and the boys sitting on the bleachers at the far end of the gymnasium. Meg is trying to fit their growing pile of cold weather gear into a tote bag.

Eli lets go of Olivia's hand the moment he sees Carson and Danny. All three boys make a gleeful bee-line for each other and wind up in a tangled three person hug.  
Olivia glances back at Elliot and she laughs when she meets his eyes. "Too much," she says, moving across the gym toward where Meg is waving excitedly.

"Hi! Hi! Hi!" Meg cries, holding out her arms as she steps down from the bleachers onto the floor. Her auburn curls are pulled back in a ponytail and the burgundy sweater she wears is almost an exact match to Olivia's. She envelopes Olivia in a hug as soon as they are close enough to touch. The two women have never met and yet here they are embracing as though they have been friends for years. Cody offers to take Olivia's coat and as Meg turns to meet Elliot's gaze, he can see that her hazel eyes are full. He can't help but smile because Meg always wears her beating heart on her sleeve. He loves her like a sister and he knows she and Cody have always had a deep understanding and respect for Olivia, despite never having met her.

"She is _stunning,"_ Meg whispers sincerely as he leans down and hugs her. He grins as he pulls back to meet her eyes. "I don't have anything to do with that," he tells her and she squeezes his arm as she moves to call her boys over to where they stand. Eli appears first and grasps onto Olivia's hand. She sits down onto the bleachers to be closer to his eye-level.

"Liv, these are my buddies," Eli explains, touching both boys on the shoulder as he introduces them. "This is Carson and this is Danny and guys, this is Liv." Eli says dramatically as though he is introducing them to a famous movie star. Elliot knows that Meg is holding her tongue because she is dying to ask the boys to address Olivia properly as Ms. Benson, but she won't dare interrupt this moment for anything.

"It's so nice to meet you guys," Olivia says, smiling as she shakes both Danny and Carson's little hands in turn. "Eli has told me so much about you both."  
It takes Carson approximately five seconds from the time he is officially introduced to Olivia to the time that he is hugging her. She gives the softest laugh of surprise. "Thank you, Carson," she says gently as he pulls away.  
"Liv's a pretty name. Do you like Legos? We build lotsa stuff at home. You can play with us later if you want..." Meg catches Elliot eye and she smiles before she nods toward her second son, who stands closest to him.

Elliot diverts his attention to Danny and he takes in the ever so careful way that the little boy is surveying Olivia. Danny tilts his head and furrows his brow thoughtfully as he watches the exchange before him. Olivia hasn't caught on that she is being watched and Elliot is grateful because he is fascinated by the chance to see her through the eyes of this sweet four year old. He knows that she _is_ movie-star beautiful, but he is biased as all get out and so he can't use that as an objective measure as to what has Danny so star-struck. He wonders exactly what it is about her that has him spell-bound. Elliot knows that Danny is usually the more talkative of the twins, so something has to be on his mind for him to have remained quiet for so long.

Before he can crouch down to his knees, Danny steps closer to Olivia and he touches arm ever so gently before he speaks. "Liv, are you Eli's mommy?"

Cody chokes on a sip of water from the bottle in his hand before he and Meg toss deeply contrite looks Elliot's way. Olivia's dark eyes widen at the utter innocence of Danny's question and she smiles. "Honey," Meg starts tentatively before Olivia touches her arm, wordlessly reassuring her.

"Danny, I'm-" Olivia starts gently before a little voice interrupts her and wins out in explanation. Eli.

"Danny, Liv isn't my mommy. She's my friend. She's the best. 'Member we read the dinosaur book last night, Liv?" Olivia nods fervently as Eli sits down next to her and wraps his arm around her protectively. It is an instinct that Elliot knows well. He has to listen because his son continues to speak. "Yesterday, Dad tried to teach me how to count time, but he couldn't do it by himself and Liv helped him. She's really good at stuff. She's my Daddy's best friend."

Elliot swallows hard at the sweet honesty of his son's explanation and he nods encouragingly at Eli. He finds Olivia dark eyes and she gives him that gratefully overwhelmed look that he sees her wear more and more often these days. Meg's fair skin is flushed with embarrassment as she takes her son's little hands in her own. "Buddy, Olivia is a very special person in Eli's life. She loves him just like Mommy and Daddy love you and Carson, okay?" Danny nods in understanding.

"Okay. You're our friend now too, Liv," he says simply, wrapping his arms around her and giving her a quick hug before all three boys dash off to the middle of the court where the teams are gathering.

As soon as they are out of ear shot, Cody and Meg burst into apologies. "Well, now that our sons have assured that you're probably never gonna wanna hang out with us again...I think we're off to a great start," Cody says with an apologetic laugh. Elliot shakes his head, trying to tell them not to worry, but Meg is speaking over him before he can say anything.  
"We are so sorry," she interjects, "We explained everything to them about how you guys worked together and how you're _good friends,_ but they were probably half-listening and we're so sorry that they just put you on the spot like that..." She is babbling nervously and Elliot has the urge to reach out and hug her, but Olivia beats him to it.

He feels Olivia's fingers brush his hand as she moves to stand beside him. "Please don't feel that way," she says sincerely. "It was such a sweet thing for Danny to ask and it's hard for someone to understand at such a young age." Elliot takes in the skeptical looks on the couple's faces before him and he wants to laugh because he understands. Olivia said it last night, kids _do_ say the darnedest things and there's no stopping them from speaking exactly what is on their mind. Olivia grasps his hand and squeezes, wordlessly asking him to chime in and he does.

"Guys, don't worry. If you could hear some of the stuff Eli asks us..." He searches Olivia's dark eyes as she smiles. "Last night, he asked me if we have sleepovers in his bunk beds when he isn't there, I mean..." Elliot shrugs at the futility of trying to explain difficult concepts to young children and Cody shoots him a grateful grin.  
"Well, don't you? I wouldn't pass up a chance to sleep in some awesome bunk beds." His comment whisks their lingering worry away and makes the four of them laugh.

* * *

On the bleachers, they settle into a comfortable lull in conversation as they watch the boys race back and forth along the shiny floor. The groups are playing half-court warm-up games so their four and five year old little legs do not have to carry them all the way to opposite ends of the large gymnasium. Elliot laughs to himself as he watches Eli forget which hoop he is supposed to be aiming for and dribbles the ball backwards toward the other hoop. Carson, Danny, and the rest of the green team cheer madly regardless.

"How are you feeling, Liv?" Elliot listens to the earnest cadence of Meg's voice as she poses her question and he feels the gentle bump of Olivia's knee against his back as she turns in her seat. He loves how over the last half-hour, Meg has picked up on Olivia's nickname and now freely uses it to address her. He keeps his eyes trained on his son, but he listens for the hum of Olivia's answer. "I'm doing well. Thank you for asking," she says softly.

"We're so glad. That was the scariest thing..." Elliot knows that Cody is listening too, because he reaches back and touches his wife's hand. Elliot loves this family. Neither Meg nor Cody are one for idle chit-chat and so everything that they says holds weight. They both share a tremendous respect for others' privacy and a sincere way of communicating. This is another reason Elliot thinks that Meg and Olivia could become good friends. He knows they have just met, but Olivia has good instinct when it comes to reading people and when he hears her voice again, he knows that she trusts Meg already.

"Thank you for everything that you did while Elliot was in New York with me. I know you took such good care of Heidi," she says and pauses for a moment before speaking once more. "I know you've done so much to take care of _him,_ too," she finishes quietly. Elliot glances at her over his shoulder and she smiles. "You talking 'bout me?" He teases gently and she nods, her brown eyes sparkling. "Yes."

Cody laughs and shakes his head. "Met your match, Stabler," he says, turning his attention back to the court where one of his sons is valiantly attempting to dribble his basketball across the floor. Elliot thinks all four of them see what is coming before it happens because he hears the collective intake of breath when Danny stubs his little finger against the hard surface of the ball and immediately bursts into tears. Cody is standing before Meg can press her hand to his shoulder and he intercepts their son into his arms.

"It's okay, buddy bear. It's okay," Cody repeats over and over as Danny weeps against his shoulder. "Is it broke, Daddy? Did it get broke?" he cries, holding out his hand for his parents' inspection. Meg touches Olivia's arm as she stands up and moves closer to her husband and her son.

Elliot feels Olivia's fingertips pressing against his back. "Eli," she whispers, leaning close and directing his attention toward the opposite side of the gym where his own son is gazing over at the scene with a look of utmost worry on his little face.  
"Thanks," he replies, intertwining his fingers with hers as she rests her palm against his shoulder. He waves to Eli, hoping to divert his fixed attention and when he catches his son's blue-eyed gaze, he nods.  
"Danny's okay," he says, hoping Eli has developed the ability to read his lips. The plan backfires when the kid comes darting toward them from across the court with Carson trailing right behind. "Oh brother," Elliot mutters, shaking his head and he hears Olivia quiet rueful laugh.

"I can't hear you, Dad! What are you saying?" Eli asks concernedly, tapping Elliot's arm. Carson's green eyes are wide and Olivia must catch the anxious way he is looking over at his brother because Elliot feels her move down onto the bleacher beside him. She offers the little boy her hand. "My brother got hurt," Carson says seriously. Olivia takes a breath and nods in acknowledgement before she speaks again. "Danny will be all right, Carson," she soothes. He tilts his head for a moment as if he is considering the situation before he climbs onto the bleacher beside Olivia to wait for his brother.

Elliot brushes her knee with his fingers. "Back me up, will you?" He whispers. Olivia looks at him curiously for a moment before she nods.

"Eli," Elliot says, looking into those serious blue eyes. "I want you to take Carson and go back to sit down with your team, okay?" His son's brow furrows immediately. "I wanna-" Eli starts to protest and Olivia jumps in, smoothing his son's wild curls away from his face. "Don't worry, Eli. Danny will be right behind you guys."  
Eli's gaze locks on Olivia for a few seconds before he sighs in obvious defeat. "'Kay," he replies, patting Carson gently on the back. "Let's go, buddy," he says. Carson gives them a smile before he lets Eli lead him back across the gym. Moments later, Danny wipes his tear streaked little face on his sleeve before Meg can pass him a tissue and dashes across the gym to sit at Eli's side.

"He'll be all right," Cody says, answering the unspoken question as he and Meg settle back onto the bleachers. "As much as I swear that they're going to be the death of me, more importantly they're the life of me," Meg tells them, laughing lightly as Olivia pats her arm.

* * *

Four hours later, the truck is filled with noise and the delicious smell of fresh pizza. Heidi is trying to climb into the front seat to sniff the pizza boxes in Olivia's lap. Eli is singing "Under the Sea" from The Little Mermaid at the top of his lungs as his dog's tail repeatedly thumps against his booster seat. Elliot has given up trying to keep a straight face.

He glances across toward where Olivia sits in the passenger seat and her dark eyes are sparkling with amusement as she attempts to push Heidi back into the rear seat with Eli. "No baby," she manages through her laughter as Heidi lets her head drop heavily onto Olivia's shoulder. Despite his son's vocal talents, the bright sound of Olivia's laughter is much more welcome in this moment and he blindly reaches for her hand.

"You sure you wanna do this?" He asks her. He is trying to keep his voice light, but his tone is more serious than he intends it to be. He isn't even sure exactly what he is asking her about, but he is praying that the reality of all of _this_ isn't too daunting. The kids, the dog, the Saturday night dinner with good friends.  
He wants a moment alone with her to check in, but Eli hasn't stopped chattering about his basketball adventures since this morning. Elliot was about to resort to pulling Olivia into the pantry with him and sliding the door closed to get a word in edge-wise, but then the phone rang and the oven timer sounded that the brownies were finished and neither one of them ever stopped moving.

She tilts her head back against the seat and Elliot can feel the way her eyes search his face. "I'm not going anywhere, El," she says gently, as though she can read his mind. He can hear the way her voice lilts when she speaks and he exhales a breath he didn't realize he was holding. He grips her hand as he steers the truck down the Allen's driveway. The next five minutes are a flurry of activity, helping Eli and Heidi out of the rear seat, handing the pizzas off to Meg, and rounding up a dog and three rambunctious boys all insistent on playing in the snow.

Before Olivia can step inside to take her coat off, Elliot grabs her hand. "Gimme a minute?" He whispers against her temple and she nods in answer.  
"I forgot the brownies in the truck," she says simply and God knows he wants to kiss her right there because he is sure that her lapse in memory is not an accident. He catches Cody's eye across the foyer. "We'll be right back," he says and Cody waves in understanding. "Got this all under control," he replies with a laugh.

Elliot brings Olivia with him out into the cold dusk as they move toward the truck. He watches the way her warm breath turns visible in the cold air. He knows they only have a minute, maybe two, but he needs to talk to her, to check on her. It isn't much different from what they have always done for one another. When they reach the truck, Olivia turns to look at him and he backs her up against the cold metal of the door. "Are you okay?" She whispers as he captures a stray lock of her hair and brushes behind her ear. "Are you?" He mutters in reply, searching her dark eyes in the fading light.

"I know it's a long day," he says, "And it's a lotta-" Olivia kisses him into silence, her palms sliding over the muscles of his abdomen. "It _is_ a long day," she whispers breathlessly, "But I'm okay. I promise, I would tell you otherwise." She bites down on her lip and he bends to kiss her then, alleviating the hold her teeth have.  
"It's life," she whispers against his cheek as he trails kisses along her jaw, toward that perfect spot on her neck that he knows will make her- "El," she whispers his name, simultaneously tilting her head to give him better access to her neck and absently pressing her fingers against his chest, as if her thoughts have carried her somewhere other than his arms. "The boys, do you think Meg would mind if I asked her about them?"

"Think you could ask her anything," he murmurs, his lips grazing her ear. "About their adoption, I mean," she clarifies, "Some people aren't comfortable..."  
Elliot kisses her mouth once more. "No, you wouldn't make 'em uncomfortable. They love telling the story. Ask her," he says with certainty. He doesn't press her for more information as to why she is curious because he is hoping against hope that he already knows. He has been watching with these three little boys all day long and the desire to make sure that she becomes a mother, in whatever way possible, has never been stronger. She reads him like a book and he knows she can see what is on his mind by the look in her eyes. She laughs suddenly, a bright, cascading, sweet laugh as she looks up at him and her bangs tangle in her eyelashes. "What?" He asks grinning. He can't take his eyes off of her.

"You _have_ to stop looking at me like that," Olivia whispers earnestly. "Like what?" He rasps, waiting for her answer.  
"Like you're going to get me _in trouble,"_ she answers lightly, biting down on her lip to keep herself from smiling, but the lilt in her voice gives her amusement away. Elliot grins as he shakes his head. "Can't make any promises," he says, his voice low against her skin as he moves to kiss her neck again.

"Elliot," she manages his name through her laughter, "We are _not_ making out in our friends' driveway."

He laughs against her, dropping his head to her shoulder. "Thought that was exactly what we're doing," he drawls and she can't quite hide her smile in return. He wants to kiss her again because there is something possessive about the way she is speaking, as though she finally understands that all of this is _theirs._

Back inside the foyer, Cody takes Olivia's coat over the heads of the three boys as they race through the entryway toward the playroom.  
"Eli," Elliot cautions, "Careful bud." His son nods excitedly, grinning from ear to ear and Elliot can't help but laugh. Cody directs Olivia through toward the kitchen and Elliot watches her go, searching for signs of tentativeness in her walk, but finding none. He catches the look on Cody's face and when he meets his eyes, his friend's expression is kind.

"Listen," Cody says, "If you and Olivia need to head home, we can keep-" Elliot shakes his head. The offer is very generous, but not necessary and he owes him an explanation. "No, we're good," he promises, "Thank you." He takes a deep breath and Cody laughs.  
"I'm not here to shrink you, El," he says. It is a running joke between them with a ring of honesty to it because that is how they first became aware of each other's existence.

"I know that," Elliot says sincerely, settling against the door frame and crossing his arms comfortably. Cody sits down on one of the stairs and they lapse into an even silence. Elliot swallows and searches the warm foyer for the words he wants to say, as though they will appear among the small scattered snow boots that litter the floor beside the front door.  
"Liv isn't used to so much..." There isn't a word for what he wants to say, so he skips it all together. "I just wanted to check on her, you know? Make sure it wasn't too much for one day."

Cody nods. "Understandable. Meg and I always need time to decompress. She hangs out in the kitchen and I work out in the basement while the boys play up here and all know where to find each other."

"Right," Elliot nods, "We do the same thing at home. I just-" he rubs his hand roughly over his jaw. He wonders if voicing this will make him sound dumb or overprotective, but he can't sensor himself because it is the truth. "Today we didn't have a lotta time and Eli was so excited and I love the kid more than anything, he wouldn't give us a minute and I just wanted to make sure she was all right." He watches as Cody grins. "What?" Elliot asks, feeling a smile tug at his own mouth. His friend shakes his head.  
"You're crazy 'bout her," Cody says and the words sound amusing in his slight southern twang. It isn't a question, but Elliot's answer is immediate. "Yeah."

Cody grins and nods for Elliot to follow him back toward the kitchen. The room is beautiful and open with a long farm house style table that seats at least six. The cabinets are a pale shade of sky blue and the fixtures are golden.  
Everyone knows that this is Meg's favorite room in the house. She once explained to Elliot how her grandmother taught her to cook when she was very young and her love for the art only grew as she and Cody started their own family. Heidi has settled herself on large rug beside the table and she is watching the proceedings around her with interest.

Olivia and Meg are standing near the refrigerator, pouring over the familiar collage of photographs that reside there. Elliot knows that evidence of their family's entire life plays out in the photos, from Cody's time in the service, to their wedding day, with multiple different pictures of their twins scattered throughout. There is even a photo of Heidi, taken last summer as she sat on the back porch steps between Carson and Danny.

"Liv, you can ask us any-" Meg starts, but before she can get her words out all three of the boys tumble into the kitchen, lightsabers whirling in their hands complete with sound-effects. Elliot watches the way Meg shakes her head affectionately before she continues to over the noise. "We'll talk more after dinner," she promises, touching Olivia's arm.

Elliot grabs Eli's hand and Cody intercepts Carson mid-lightsaber swing.

"Hey, remember what we said about running with these?" The three of them share a solemn glance before Danny speaks up. "Mommy said we're gonna poke somebody in the eye," he supplies helpfully. Cody throws a quick look at Elliot over their heads before he nods. "Mommy's right. You're gonna have to find some other way to save the galaxy." The boys trudge back out toward the living room.

Elliot catches Olivia's gaze and he watches the way smiles. "What can we do to help?" Cody asks, taking the plates down from the cabinet and setting them onto the counter as Olivia begins to set the table.

Meg gazes over her shoulder at her husband as she tucks a curl behind her ear. "You could go get those three little munchkins and make sure they wash their hands before they come in to eat."

Cody grins before he kisses her lightly on the top of her head. "Munchkin duty. Got it."

"El, would you fill the water glasses?" Meg asks, nodding toward a tall glass pitcher on the counter top. "Sure," he replies, grinning at her as he makes his way over toward where Olivia stands.  
"You wanna pass me the glasses and I'll fill 'em?" He asks and Olivia nods. They move around the table in a clockwise manner, Olivia always one glass ahead of him. He feels the way her fingers brush against his own more than once and he knows it is her way of reassuring him that she is more than all right. He catches Meg watching the proceedings before she ducks her head and smiles at the salad dressing she clutches in her hand.

The boys choose this moment to come barreling back into the kitchen amidst a chorus of _hi's_ and _pizza!_ and _I'm hungry's_. The three of them move toward the bench that lines the far side of the table. Elliot watches as the twins try to decide who gets to sit beside Eli before they realize that if his son sits in the middle then they both get to call him their dinner buddy. He looks up to find Cody watching the same exchange that he is.  
"That's some quality problem-solving right there, usually these disagreements end in a w-r-e-s-t-l-i-n-g match," Cody says, spelling the words out and making Olivia laugh.

* * *

He hears her laughter again and he looks up at the sound. Olivia and Heidi are seated on the floor in the middle of the Lego scattered living room where the boys are showing her their various multicolored masterpieces. Olivia responds enthusiastically to their excited chatter and comments on every Lego creation as if it is the most inventive and ingenious one she has ever seen. Elliot doesn't hear Meg come up behind him, but he feels the gentle push of her palm against his shoulder.

"Go sit with her," she urges simply, taking the dish towel from his hand. He tries to protest, but Meg shakes her head and crosses her arms so that her all five foot four inches of her stature suddenly become incredibly intimidating. Elliot holds up his hands in mock surrender. "I'm going, I'm going..." he says lightly.

He makes her laugh when what he wants to do is convey his gratitude. He sinks his hands into his pockets as he leans up against door frame of the set of french doors that separate the kitchen from the living room. He is close enough that he can hear what the boys are saying, but far enough away that he won't distract them from their interaction with Olivia. He doesn't want her to know that he is watching either because he doesn't ever want to make her uncomfortable, but he figures after all these years she ought to be used to it by now. Carson slips an action figure into her hand.

"Now, tell me who this is?" Olivia asks and the boys all exchange a quick look of disbelief that she doesn't know. "That's Cat Woman, Liv. She hangs out with Batman," Carson explains and Olivia laughs. "I'm so silly, of course it's Cat Woman," she says, nodding along. Elliot knows that she is trying to keep every single one of these action figures and their roles straight.

He watches the way that she smiles, how she gives each of the boys her undivided attention when they speak to her. She fascinates him because despite never having experienced a nurturing parent of her own, she will be the most incredible mother.

"Liv, Eli said you're a 'tective, so do you get the bad guys like on Scooby-Doo?" Danny asks and Elliot listens as Olivia tries not to laugh at the little boy's mispronunciation of her profession. "I do, Danny. Just for a little while longer though," she tells him.

He watches as all three of the boys freeze in their playing and turn to look at her as they take in the meaning behind her words. Elliot feels the way his own heart rate increases at the sound of her voice. He is in awe of her and the way that she is candidly discussing her future with three little boys, under the age of six, who are all deeply invested in her well-being. "Wow," Carson says softly, plopping down onto the floor and staring at Olivia with wide eyes.

"What are you gonna do when you're done, Liv?" Eli asks with all the seriousness of a much older child. Elliot sees the way she takes a deep breath and nods to herself before answering, as though she is carefully considering exactly what to tell them.  
"Well, the things is I've never been anything except a police officer so it's going to take me a little while to figure out who I'm going to be next..." Elliot closes his eyes and says a silent prayer as he listens. He can see it all so clearly, what comes next. Days like today, nights like this one. A family, a wife, a mother, a life, a vow, a possibility...he swallows hard because he is getting ahead of himself and she is speaking again..."I don't know exactly what my next adventure holds, but I know I'm going to spend some more time with your Daddy, Eli."

He exhales sharply on a breath that he didn't realize he was holding. Olivia glances up over her shoulder to look at him and she smiles as though she has not just altered the course of their lives forevermore. Her dark eyes are full of a singular sweet emotion and she doesn't look surprised to find him there. He realizes it is because she has known exactly where he has been all along.

* * *

"I can't believe we're watching Star Wars _in_ the Star Wars tent!" Eli exclaims excitedly over the zooming sounds of fighter ships. Elliot takes one more peek inside the tent where all three boys, plus Heidi have settled in with blankets and pillows to watch. The adults have placed a bet on how long much longer the boys will be able to stay awake. Elliot has his money on twenty minutes until he is carrying Eli out to the car. He grins to himself as he makes his way back toward the kitchen where the rest of the grown-ups are. It had been Meg's idea to put the movie on for the boys in order to give Olivia a break from the action. He knows that she would never have refused the boys anything that they wanted, so he is grateful for Meg's watchful eye.

Now, she bustles around the kitchen putting the last of the dishware away. "Before dinner, I was starting to tell Liv about our story, but then the Jedi-in-training trio popped in..." She tells her husband and Cody nods encouragingly.

Olivia is sitting on one of the tall stools that line the breakfast bar and Cody leans against the counter opposite her. In Olivia's hands, Elliot can see that she holds one of the collection of photographs of the boys that usually sticks magnetically to the refrigerator. "That was the first time we ever saw them at the hospital. They were three hours old," Meg explains with a smile.  
"We couldn't tell them apart at that point, so we had to color code their clothes," Cody says, chiming in and Olivia laughs. "Danny was always red and Carson was blue and somehow that has carried all the way through, but they are opening up to green now since it's Eli's favorite."

Olivia laughs again and Elliot grins as he slips onto the stool beside her. She tilts the photo in her hands toward him so that he can see. He has seen it plenty of times, but the two little bald bundles snuggled together in bright blue blankets never fails to make him smile. Meg joins them, passing a glass of water across to Olivia and holding her own cup as she leans up against her husband.

"We're getting ahead of ourselves. You can ask us anything, Liv," she promises, "We're such advocates because it gave us everything we have." Olivia takes a breath and she nods just a little too quickly and Meg's own eyes fill. "I'm going to cry, okay?" Meg announces laughingly as though it is a behavior that it out of the ordinary for her. Cody slips a tissue into his wife's hand and passes one to Olivia for good measure and it makes her smile.

Meg meets Elliot's gaze. "Have you heard this whole story?" She asks, searching his face with her hazel eyes. "Yeah, it's a good one," he tells her sincerely and she presses her lips together as she tries not to start crying right away.

"Did you always know that you wanted to a-d-o-p-t?" Olivia asks, spelling the word out just in case one of the boys happens to have developed the ability to hear over the sound of the lightsaber duel being fought in the next room. Meg's eyes widen at Olivia's thoughtfulness. Elliot gives her a grateful glance and she shakes her head as if this is the least that she could ever do. Little does she know that it is the most.

"As crazy as it sounds, yes," she says and Cody nods. "It was something that I felt that I wanted to do since I was a little girl. My grandmother, my best friend in high school, and my favorite college professor were all adopted. It just seemed like it followed me around my whole life and so many people that I loved were adopted and so I thought this is something that I desperately wanted to do someday." She glances over her shoulder at her husband. "Would you like to add anything?" She asks, making Cody grin. "No, you tell it much better than I do," he says, making her blush.

"How did you two meet?" Olivia asks, glancing over at Elliot as she smiles. "We were both working at the V.A. Hospital. I was in between my first and second tour in the Middle-East and Meg was teaching sign-language in a one-off workshop that I decided to go to. I saw her there and that was it," Cody answers with a laugh as his wife rolls her eyes affectionately.  
"We dated for a while and we started talking about getting married and the night before I left for my third tour, I proposed." Cody swallows hard before he speaks again, "I never regretted something more. Not the proposing part, but the timing part. I didn't realize it at the time 'cause I was so focused on our future, but after I left I thought about how damned selfish that was of me, leaving her like that with the possibility of something happening..."

"Stop," Meg tells him lightly, pushing against his shoulder. "I love you," she says in an attempt at levity which Elliot knows is not lost on Cody. He is aware of just how much time it took for his friend to work through both the physical and the mental wounds that he endured in Afghanistan.

He feels Olivia's fingers come to rest on his knee and he grasps onto her hand as Cody starts again. "So, I came back in a couple different pieces..."

"Cody!" Meg scolds, but he grins at her as he wraps his arm around her waist. "I said that for emphasis," he tells her. "Went through two years of hospitals, surgeries, rehab, counseling, and this girl never left my side. We got married and we had talked about kids for a long time beforehand so we both knew we were on the same page and we went from there."  
Meg shifts out of his grasp and moves around the counter to sit on Olivia's other side. "For someone who didn't want to tell the story, you sure have a lot to say," she teases, making them laugh. "I'm sorry. I'm done," Cody says, leaning over and kissing the top of Meg's head before stepping out into the living room to check on the boys. Meg shifts in her seat to meet Olivia's eyes.

"So we went through all the steps and all the paperwork. We started the process in September and we were officially approved in April and the boys were born in June. We got a call on June 9th at eleven thirty-two at night and our representative at the agency said she had gotten word of a baby boy who needed a home. We jumped in the car and I don't think Cody ever driven so fast in his life..." Her husband laughs as he makes his way back into the kitchen.

"And when we got to the hospital we got the surprise of our lives because there were two babies. They asked us what do we wanted to do and we said _are_ _you kidding?_ These are our boys and we're getting a two for one special and that's when we took that picture," Meg says, wiping her cheek and pointing to the photo in front of Olivia.

"That's amazing, Meg," Olivia says earnestly, reaching over to slip her arm around Meg's shoulders. "You can ask us anything now or in the future or whenever and we have a lot of great connections and we've met a lot of wonderful people and..." She takes a breath as she stands up. "I'm so sorry. I'm being overwhelming. Just know we're here, okay?" She says and Olivia nods gratefully.

"Honestly, nobody's ever been a bigger hit with these little guys. You're a natural, Liv," Cody comments kindly. Olivia smiles before she gives a small shrug as if the children would take to anyone. "You have amazing boys," she says, in an attempt to explain this away.  
Elliot swallows and he finds his throat is tight as he watches her duck her head on the pretense of looking at the photo again. Her bangs fall gracefully into place and he wonders if she is going to use the protective curtain of them to hide from the truth. Cody's unspoken question lingers in the air and by the grace of God, Elliot knows that his friend would never ask. Somehow, Cody and Meg are cognizant of the nuances of everything Olivia is saying without actually knowing anything at all.

Elliot doesn't miss the quick warning glance that Meg throws at her husband, silently instructing him to drop the subject. He gives them a small smile, wordlessly attempting to dismiss their worry.

Olivia takes a breath and she surprises them all when she is the one to speak. "I looked into adoption a few years ago," she says. Meg looks at Elliot and he watches the way she nearly melts where she stands as her hazel eyes fill again. She reaches across the counter to touch Olivia's right hand.

"I don't really even know why I did it then becau-"

"Yes, you do," Elliot says, before he can stop himself. He won't sit here and listen to her cast doubt on her own decisions. He knows that some of the reasons for her not becoming a mother lie in timing, some of them lie in the job, some of them lie in choices that they have both made, but none should rest with her.

Olivia looks at him and her dark eyes search his gaze before she squeezes his hand reassuringly. "I mean, I don't know why I did it at that time because it wasn't really conducive for me to even fathom it working out, no matter how much I wanted it to. I just, I kept putting on the back burner and for a while I thought it might be too late, but now I think...someday," She finishes, looking over at him.

Elliot nods as he leans close and kisses her temple. "Soon," he says and he watches as she closes her eyes against the implication.  
"Should we give you guys the room or-" Cody asks, grinning as Elliot laughs.

"They are never going to come back here if you keep this up," Meg declares, shaking her head. "Are the boys okay?" Cody nods as he fills a glass of water from the tap. "They're just about asleep."

"Speaking of that, think it's time we let these guys get ready for bed?" Elliot asks, grasping Olivia's hand as she steps down from her stool. The four of them move out into the living room to find the boys all sound asleep inside the tent and Heidi waiting patiently for them on the couch.

"Watch your feet with the Legos," Cody warns quietly and Elliot grins because every parent know this from first-hand experience. They each grab a kid, Cody and Meg hustle the boys upstairs into their room. Elliot holds Eli in the foyer as Olivia helps to fit his little feet into his boots. His son stirs for a moment. "I'm 'wake guys," he mumbles. "'Course you are, buddy," Elliot replies.

"Should we try to put his coat on?" Olivia whispers, brushing his son's unruly curls away from his cheek. Elliot shakes his head. "I'll just cover him up. We'll only be outside for a minute," he tells her, swaying on his feet to help lull Eli back to sleep. Olivia nods before she moves closer. He slips his arm around her waist as she rests her head against his unoccupied shoulder. He feels the way she sighs against him and when he tilts his head, his jaw brushes against her bangs.

"You have two sleepy babies," Meg says quietly, following Cody down the stairs. Olivia smiles and Elliot lets her go as Cody envelops her into a hug.

"It was great to finally meet you, Liv. Make sure we see more of you, okay?" He says and Olivia nods gratefully. "Absolutely," she replies, her voice lilts with emotion, but there is a sweet ring of promise in the way that she says it. Elliot lifts Eli up into his arms and shakes Cody's hand before his friend turns and makes his way back upstairs to be with the boys. Elliot hears the shaky inhale Olivia takes and he knows how close she is to crying because Meg has already started. She shakes her head in amusement at her own predictability before she hugs Olivia close.  
"Anything you need...anytime, anywhere. You both know that," she says lightly, brushing her cheek with her fingertips as she reaches up to hug Elliot.  
"Right back at you," he replies, kissing her cheek.

They moves out toward the truck with a sleepy Eli on his shoulder and Heidi at their heels. Olivia opens the rear door and Heidi waits patiently by their feet as Elliot lifts Eli up into his booster seat. His son is absolute dead weight, but still he continues to mumble. He is slurring his words and his little curls are bobbing on his head, but his message is clear. "Liv...this was great...the best day...right, Dad?" Elliot kisses his son's forehead before he lifts Heidi up and she settles onto the back seat beside Eli. "Good girl," Elliot whispers, smoothing his cold fingers through her soft fur. He closes the door and turns to find Olivia waiting for him. The night is cloudless and quiet and she is beautiful.

He stands behind her and slips his arms around her waist before he presses his mouth to the top of her head, trailing kisses across the silky strands of her hair. She gives him a sideways glance and her dark eyes catch the reflection from the snow. She smiles as she takes his bare hands and guides them into the warm pockets of her parka. "Let's go home," she whispers.

* * *

 _Home._ The silence is soothing here. For all the joyful chaos of the day, the coming of night is peaceful.

Elliot kneels on the floor, resting his forearms against the side of the bottom bunk bed and listening to the rhythmic lull of his son's breathing. Eli's blond curls are scattered over the navy blue pillowcase and he tucks his little hand beneath his pillow as he snuggles deeper into his blankets. He doesn't stir when Elliot kisses his forehead ever so lightly. "I love you, buddy," he whispers as he stands and turns on Eli's nightlight before he closes the door.

The hallway is dark and he can just make out the shape of Heidi asleep in her bed in their room. He zips up his sweatshirt as he moves down the stairs, carefully skipping the creaky fourth step.

In the dim light of the kitchen, he can see Olivia sitting up on the counter top beside the stove as she waits for her pot of tea. Her feet are bare and she wears one of his flannel shirts over her pajamas. The warm material swallows her up and the sight makes him grin. She glances up at him and her returning smile is almost shy, as though she hasn't quite gotten used to the reality of borrowing his clothes, even though they look so much better on her. Her hair has escaped from its pony tail and it cascades in messy waves against her neck. Even exhausted from a long day, he thinks that she is beautiful. Her dark eyelashes seem to tangle in her bangs and there is something delicate playing out behind her eyes that roots him where he stands.

"I love you," she whispers, her velvet voice blending with the serenity that permeates the kitchen. "I love you," Elliot replies, tucking his hands into his pockets of his sweatpants and leaning back against the counter top. He stands motionless opposite her for a full minute as he watches the way she fiddles with the cuff of her sleeve and her eyelashes sweep against her cheeks before her gaze finds his again. He doesn't miss the way her breathing hitches ever so slightly before she speaks. "Today was one of the best days of my entire life," she whispers and Elliot grins.  
"You know who you sound like?" He asks and she smiles in return. "Eli," she answers softly and he doesn't think he has ever heard anything like the way Olivia says his son's name. "Yeah, Eli."

She sits up straighter and tucks her hands into her lap. "Meg and Cody are amazing people," she says and Elliot nods in reply. "They are. I'm glad you like 'em."

He steps forward as Olivia moves to slip down from the counter and reaches for him. "You okay?" He whispers, pulling her close.  
"What are you thinking about?" She asks quietly. His lips quirk upwards and his answer comes easily. "You."

He feels the way she smiles against his shoulder as she takes a deep breath. "Talk to me," he requests, grazing her temple with his lips.  
"Do you- do you think it could be like that for us?" Olivia whispers.  
Elliot pulls back, grasping onto her waist as he searches her face. He doesn't want to assume that he understands what she means.

"I mean, the kids and the dog and the house and the life...like Meg and Cody" She elaborates quietly, her dark eyes holding unspoken hope. Elliot swallows hard before he answers. "Yeah, I do," he tells her earnestly, his voice too low. "That's what I want for us."

"Me too," she says with a certainty that assures he can't help but kiss her. She laughs softly, but he doesn't miss the fullness in her dark eyes as she ducks her head against his chest.

"It's just me, Liv," he whispers, hoping to help alleviate whatever hesitation she feels. "I know," she chokes, pressing her palm against his chest as she steps back. He loosens his grasp on her waist and lets her stand on her own.

"Just tonight...watching Meg and Cody with those little boys. They're _their_ sons, El. There isn't an ounce of doubt or anxiety or anything because Danny and Carson know that that's _their_ Mom and Dad. They know how loved they are and they know where they belong. That is what you've been trying to show me this whole time. You're offering me everything I've ever wanted in my entire life. This, the day in and day out with you and Heidi and your kids and-"

"Our kids," he interjects confidently, catching her hand as Olivia's tears spill over. "Our kids," she breathes, repeating the words as though she acquainting herself with the way they feels on her lips. Her breasts rise and fall against his chest as she takes another quick breath. Elliot feels the way her fingers trace his hands that have found their anchor on her waist once more. He kisses the top of her head once, twice, three times as he holds her through the silence.

There is something else. He can see it in the way she shifts on her feet and her toes bump his own, the way she worries her bottom lip for a moment before her eyes take on that grace-filled confidence that leads him to believe she has just figured out what she wants to say. He just has to give her enough time to-

"Do you still want to marry me?" She whispers. Elliot feels his entire body tense in anticipation at her words and he forgets how to breathe. _"Yes,"_ he growls, his voice sounds rougher than he intends because all at once his throat is aching with emotion. He doesn't think he has ever answered a question so quickly in his life. Olivia's lips quirk upward even as her eyes fill. "Do you want me to ask you?" He rasps immediately, searching her dark eyes.

He thinks she might be shaking ever so slightly against him, or maybe he is the one shaking and she is the one holding on. Olivia presses her hands against his chest. "Not yet," she breathes. "Can we talk about it first?" Her voice lilts and the sound reminds him to inhale. "'Course," he says. He will stay up all night if that is what she needs.

"You wanna sit down?" He asks and Olivia nods. Elliot feels as though he is in slow-motion as he settles at the table beside her and turns his chair to face hers. He slips his hands behind her knees and tugs her toward him so that her thighs rest between his. The calendar sits on the tabletop between them and Olivia brushes her index finger across the next week. "I've been thinking," she starts evenly, "Next weekend, when you drive up for the twins birthday, I'll go with you and I'll start back to work on Monday."

"Okay," Elliot replies automatically, counting forward in his head. He will agree to anything she says. She looks down at the month laid out in front of them, but he can't take his eyes off of her. Olivia touches his forearm, her fingertips ghost over his taut muscles hidden beneath his sweatshirt. He studies her face as her gaze follows the motion of her fingers. "You're beautiful, do you know that?" Elliot asks her softly. He is in awe of every breath she takes, every word she says, every moment that she gives him. Olivia gives a gentle watery laugh.

"Here's the thing about work," she says and he knows that she is fighting tears with every ounce of her self-control. "I've been looking at my paperwork and I've been trying to get myself back into that mindset, but it's not working. I'm afraid that I won't be able to do it anymore because my heart isn't in it, El. It's here with you," Olivia says, pressing her palms against his knees.

"I've thought about this a lot. You know how much concentration the job takes." Her dark eyes shimmer and threaten to spill over every time her eyelashes sweep her cheeks. "Just please don't ask me yet. I can't do the job and be your fiancée at the same time because all I'll want is to be with you and I have to be able to focus when I'm out there." She says all of this very quickly as though she is ripping off a band-aid that will hurt like hell.

But July..." she finishes on a broken hush. Her shivering is incongruous with the word on her lips as her dark eyes search his face. "El," she whimpers because no matter how long he has had to prepare himself for the sound of these words, he still can't help the wave of emotion that threatens to engulf him. He swallows hard and nods because his voice has failed him. Olivia's breath catches and she ducks her head as her tears fall down her cheeks, "July comes really quickly and then...I'm yours."

Elliot closes his eyes at the sound of her voice because this is their new reality. His wife is going to be on the job without him. She may not have a ring on her finger or have given him her _yes,_ but for every beat of his heart for the rest of his life, she will be his wife. She needs to take something with her, something to have and to hold onto so that she knows that he is forever hers. Upstairs in the tiny maroon box in his top dresser drawer sits the perfect thing, the only thing. He can't ask her yet, but he can give it to her...

"I love you," he tells her, his voice is still too low. He cradles the nape of her neck in his hands as he kisses her swiftly. "I'll be right back." He squeezes her shoulders as he stands up and makes his way toward the stairs. Elliot hears her small laugh of surprise and the sound makes him smile. With every step he takes along the hallway, he says a million silent _thank you's_ to whoever has given him so much more than he ever thought possible. He can't stop the way his hands shake as he pulls open the top drawer and he eyes fall on the maroon box. It's been right there all along, in plain sight. He hasn't hidden it because he doesn't ever want to keep anything from her. He picks up the little box and the feeling of it in his hand reminds him to breathe.

 _Last August, he spent a weekend with the kids in Cape May, New Jersey. He had invited Olivia, but she had begged off, telling him this was his precious time with all five of his children before four of them went back to school.  
After dinner on Friday night, they walked the cobblestone street lined with shops. The girls had disappeared into a beach clothing boutique and Dickie was checking out a bookstore. Elliot carried a giggling four year old in his arms and remembers the feeling of Eli's rapidly melting ice cream dripping onto his white t-shirt._

 _The little one's attention had been drawn to the window display of an eclectic little shop where a handmade wooden ship was on display. Beside the vessel lay an open treasure chest, showcasing an assortment of jewelry._  
 _Eli chattered on about pirates and buried treasure and Elliot had tried to focus on his son, but a single piece of jewelry had his eye. A ring. A delicate diamond surrounded by tiny silver flower petals._

 _"When we get back to the hotel, do you want to get in the p-o-o-l?"_

 _He turned at the sound of his daughters' voices. They were spelling out their plans for the sake of Eli's bedtime, but Elliot knew his son wouldn't miss a trick._

 _"Hey!" Eli cried indignantly, his enormous blue eyes widening. "I know what that says! Pool! I wanna swim, too! Can I please, Daddy? Please!"_  
 _He set Eli down onto the ground and Lizzie took her brother's sticky little hand. Elliot had looked back over his shoulder to see Maureen lingering thoughtfully in front of the window where he had been standing._

 _Much to the amusement of his siblings, Eli called out to their oldest sister, "Maureeeennnn! We're going swimming!"_  
 _His oldest daughter had laughed, indulging her brother. "You're a hoot, little guy!" She said, taking Elliot's arm._  
 _On the promenade, they lagged behind and watched Kathleen lift Eli onto Dickie's shoulders. The breeze off the ocean tangled in Maureen's hair and Elliot could feel her light gaze on his face as they walked._

 _"You okay?" He had asked, glancing over at her._  
 _His daughter's fair skin was lightly reddened from their day on the sand and the sun had played with her locks, making her blonde hair seem to shimmer against the slowly darkening sky._

 _"That ring you were looking at," she started, softly, "The petal design is from a flower called a Lotus. Its roots grow in muddy, wet places where you'd never think anything could survive." Maureen shook her head and continued to explain.  
"At night, the flower closes up and it sinks into the darkness of the water. With the light of the morning, it floats to the surface and it blooms in the sun. Its seeds can go without water for hundreds of years, but when they're planted, they can still bloom. In different cultures, the Lotus is associated with the concept of constant transformation, of resurrection. You know, like death and rebirth."_

 _Elliot stopped walking and grasped Maureen's arm. Her back faced the ocean and his daughter was the only fixed element he saw against the ever-changing scenery of the sea. Her wide eyes matched the midnight blue of the approaching evening.  
"I just wanted you to know what it meant," she said softly, "Because it seems fitting for you guys."_

 _His eyes burned and he knew it wasn't from the salty sea air. He pulled Maureen in and kissed her forehead as he tried to remember how to breathe._  
 _His daughter's astonishingly gentle insight regarding his feelings for Olivia had both shaken and soothed him all at once._

 _Maureen had pulled back and gazed up at him with a sweet smile. "If you decide to take a walk back to the shops tomorrow morning, I'll keep the little guy busy."_  
 _He remembers closing his eyes and kissing her forehead once more. He went to sleep that night with Eli by his side, thinking about flowers and their will to go on._

By some miracle, Olivia is sitting exactly where he left her. "What are you-?" She starts, her voice lilting with amusement, but she falls silent as he sits down beside her with the box in his hand. "El," she starts shakily, "I-"  
Elliot reaches for her hand. "Just do something for me," he pleads, surprised he can still speak at all. "Just take it with you, okay?" Olivia's wide eyes are full as she nods. "Yes," she whispers, "Yes."


	28. Chapter 28

**Author's Note:** Thank you all so much (as ever) for your feedback. I love writing this story and it's such a blessing that so many of you are enjoying it. Thank you again...Titanic reference belongs to the 1997 film.

* * *

It is just past seven when he pulls back into the driveway. Mass had been the first thing on his mind this morning with so many new things to be grateful for. He won't push his blessings, but with any luck Eli may still be asleep and he thinks he just might be able to slip back into bed beside Olivia. He wonders if she has woken at all, if she read his note that he left sitting on her bedside table beside the little maroon box that has altered the course of their lives forever more.  
He grins to himself in the silence of the truck. He knows that in two minutes he is going to have to step inside the house and back into reality. He is going to start breakfast, feed Heidi, and get Eli packed up to be ready to leave with Kathy, but for right now he just wants to _be._ He allows himself one more moment of this perfect preparation for what is to come.

 _July._ He knows that he will have to be patient and to wait for everything that he wants. _March, April, May, June...  
_ For the next four months, he will feel as though he is living in the interim, caught in a lull between two defining moments. He wonders about the life he will lead in the middle and he knows that it is going to be an adjustment, just like everything else. He is going to have to find some peace in that because he has to let Olivia go. He has to make sure that she knows how he supports her and how he will never intentionally be the reason that she questions herself. He has lived without her beside him before, but now he is allowed to exist with the promise of her return. He only needs one thing from her now and that is for her to take care of herself and to come back safe and whole.

When he steps inside, it takes him less than five seconds to realize that his plan for a quiet morning has already flown out the window. The TV is on and he can hear the Scooby-Doo theme song playing. He slips off his shoes as Heidi dances around his legs, her light colored tail swats against his shin and covers his dress pants with her fur. "Hi baby," he says, leaning down to run his fingers over her velvet ears. "How are you?" Elliot moves toward the kitchen with Heidi at his heels.

The first thing that catches his eye is the collection of what looks like every cereal box they own lining the counter. He hears Olivia's voice issuing from the pantry as she talks to Eli. Elliot shakes his head affectionately as he watches them. Olivia has Eli in her arms, his son is just about too big to sit comfortably on her hip, and they seem to be searching the cabinets for something in particular.

"Do you think we have the strawberry one?" Eli asks.

The light blue blanket Maureen made for him is draped over Olivia's forearm and both of them are already dressed for the day. Eli wears sweatpants and his Star Wars t-shirt is on backwards, meaning that either Olivia hasn't noticed or she doesn't have the heart to tell him. She wears jeans and a simple white turtleneck with her hair twisted up in one of those clips. Her dark hair is still wet and Elliot knows she must have dropped everything she was doing to come take care of Eli. She absently kisses the top of his son's head as they survey the inventory. "Sweetheart, I don't see the strawberry one, but I'll check downstairs. Your Daddy might have put-"

"Daddy says we're out of the strawberry one," Elliot supplies helpfully, leaning against the door frame. Olivia turns them around quickly at the sound of his voice. "Hi," she greets him with a smile. "Hi Dad!" Eli cries, his curls are still wild from sleep, but his blue eyes are ready for the day. "I didn't know you were here!" Olivia laughs as she passes Eli off into Elliot's waiting arms.

"I just got back from church, pal," he explains, tickling Eli's little belly. His son howls with laughter as Elliot carries him out and sets him down on the counter top. Eli's little feet swing back and forth as he surveys the array of cereal boxes that he has to choose from. "I think I'm gonna have some Cheerios...the frosted ones or maybe I'll have some Captain Crunch..."  
Elliot keeps his hand near Eli's wiggly little waist in case he decides it's time to jump down and abandon ship. He watches as Olivia retrieves his son's dinosaur bowl and his favorite Star Wars spoon from the drawer before she turns to look at him. She smiles with a certainty that causes the darkness in her eyes to lighten.

"Can I pour 'em, Liv?" Eli asks, shifting around to reach for the Captain Crunch. Elliot sets him down so that he can climb up into his chair at the table.  
"Sure honey," Olivia replies, helping his son to maneuver the box of cereal that is almost as big as he is. Elliot feels the press of her palm against his chest as she moves to step in front of him and as soon as Eli is preoccupied with his cereal, she slips into his arms to hug him.

"Thanks for your note," she whispers against his shoulder.  
"Thanks for helping him. Didn't think he'd be awake this early," he says, his voice low in her ear. Olivia gives him a sideways glance and by the when her lips lilt upward he knows she understands that despite her being fully dressed, he still wants to pull her back into bed beside him.

You doing okay?" Elliot asks quietly. He knows that she has had a little more than an hour without him beside her and he is wondering how she is processing all that transpired between them last night. The promises that they made in anticipation of what is to come. The promises he would much rather make a reality in this moment..."Yes," she answers, pressing her lips to his shoulder through the fabric of his dress shirt.

"We're watching Scooby, Daddy! Don't worry. It just started so you didn't miss anything," Eli announces, never taking his eyes off the television. Olivia smiles as she slips out of his arms and moves to pour some juice for his son. Elliot steps forward and lightly ruffles Eli's hair.  
"Sounds good, pal," he says, moving toward the living room. "I'm gonna go upstairs and change and then we have to get you all packed up to go back home with Mom, okay?"

Eli suddenly drops his spoon and it clatters noisily against the table. The sound causes both he and Olivia to look up at his son, whose blue eyes are suddenly brimming with tears.

"Buddy?" Elliot asks.  
"I have to go already? I just got here!" Eli cries before dissolving into a puddle of tears. Olivia gives a quick intake of breath and Elliot meets her gaze over his son's head.  
"It's okay," he says and he isn't sure exactly who he is soothing with his words, but he knows that he has to keep both of them here with him in this moment. "It's _not_ okay!" Eli exclaims adamantly, throwing his hands in the air. "I don't wanna leave, Daddy! I wanna stay here with you and Liv!" He buries his face as he lays his forehead down against his arms on the top of the table.

Olivia's eyes grow wide with emotion at the sound of her name and Elliot knows she will never cease to be surprised by the way his children care for her. He swallows heavily as he moves to sit down beside Eli and by some miracle, Olivia mimics his movements on the opposite side of the table.

"Buddy listen," Elliot starts, "Much as I love hearing you say that you wanna stay with us, that's not how it's gonna work right now." Eli's shakes his head and his curls fall all over. "How come?" He asks, never looking up. His little voice is weepy.

"'Cause you have to go to school and Liv and I have to go to work," Elliot explains gently, reaching over to rub Eli's back. His son lets that idea sink in for a moment before he starts to cry in earnest.

 _"Eli,"_ both he and Olivia start at once. Elliot's eyes snap to her dark gaze and he nods, begging her to continue while he falls silent.

 _"Honey,"_ Olivia begins once more, moving out of her chair and kneeling on the floor beside his son. "Eli, I'm not going to be here with your Daddy either. We're going to drive back to New York, just like you and your Mommy because I have to go back to work next week."

Elliot listens to the soothing cadence of Olivia's voice. He knows that he will never stop being amazed by the way that she is able to get through to those in need. She is not only giving Eli the truth, but she has an uncanny ability to say exactly what his son needs to hear in order to help him to understand.  
Slowly, Eli raises his head and peeks at Olivia through his little fingers. "You're not gonna be here having fun without me?" He asks and Olivia shakes her head with a quiet heartbroken laugh.

"Buddy, we could never have fun without you," Elliot promises earnestly and his son gives a halfhearted grin.

Elliot takes a deep breath before he speaks again. There is something that he needs Eli to know. At five years of age, things are difficult to comprehend, but he knows that his son picks up on just about everything around him. He is sure that Eli knows about how their time together has been non-existent since Christmas and that life has found a way to throw off their schedule. He doesn't want Eli to think that his absence as his father is his child's new normal.

"Buddy, will you look at me?" He asks. Eli slowly lowers his fingers and looks up at Elliot with the full force of those giant blue eyes. "I know these last couple weeks have been different, but some things are gonna change and I promise we'll get back on a regular schedule and we'll get to hang out a lot more, okay?"

His son tilts his head as though he is trying to understand. The future is too nebulous for Elliot to try to explain and he is silently praying that his child will take him at his word, just this once.  
"Why can't you guys come live with me and Mom? Lizzie would like to have Liv for a sleepover and you could stay in my room, Dad," Eli gives one more valiant try before Elliot leans over and kisses his forehead. There is only so much he can attempt to reason without using the old _because I'm your dad and I said so_ line.

Nevertheless, he owes his son as much of an explanation as he can give. "I promise, I promise you things are gonna get easier, okay? Next weekend is your brother and your sister's birthday and I'm coming up to see you."

"Next weekend?" Eli asks hopefully, his light eyes growing wide at the prospect of their birthday.  
"Next weekend," Elliot assures him.

Eli brushes his wet cheeks with his palms as he turns to Olivia. "Liv, are you gonna be at the party?"  
"They're not really having a party, bud-" Elliot starts, but she cuts him off. "I'm not sure, sweetheart, but I'll see you again soon, okay?"  
Eli sighs heavily before reaching out to pat Olivia's hand. "Okay," he says, nodding in acceptance before he picks up his spoon and turns his attention back to the TV across the living room.

Elliot stands and presses a kiss to the top of Eli's head. "I love you," he tells him and his son nods thoughtfully as he chews his cereal. Olivia brushes Elliot's hand with her fingers and he follows her back across the kitchen. She steps into the pantry on the pretense of putting one of cereal boxes away and when she doesn't turn back around immediately, he follows her into the small space.

"We have to stop meeting like this," she whispers lightly, as she steps closer to him so that her bare feet bump against his socks. He can tell that there is something that she wants to say and he wills himself to remain silent and allow her time to collect her thoughts. Olivia's gaze falls to the blue pinstripes on his dress shirt and a wave of her damp hair brushes against her cheek as she ducks her head.  
"Liv," he manages, almost imperceptibly, but he knows that she has heard him because she looks up. "El," she whispers, her dark eyes intent. "I've been thinking about today, about dropping Eli off...maybe it's better if I stay here."

Elliot swallows heavily at the sound her words and all at once his throat is tight. "Liv," he tries again, but she is speaking over him once more.

"Eli is already upset and I don't want to make things harder by being there," she reasons, keeping her voice soft.  
"You _don't_ make things harder," he asserts quietly. Olivia nods but continues on as though he hasn't interrupted. "Plus, it'll give you and Kathy time to talk..."

 _"Raindrops on roses and whispers on kittens, light copper metals and warm, wool mittens, brown paper packages tied up with strings..."_

Eli's little voice reaches their ears and suddenly Olivia is biting down on her bottom lip to keep herself from smiling. Elliot exhales a breath that he didn't realize he was holding as he grasps onto her arm. "Hold on," he whispers, poking his head around the door to glance over at his son.

"Buddy, what's going on?" He asks, trying not to quash his son's musical interests and at the same time attempting to ascertain what exactly Eli is doing.  
"I'm singin' Dad! Lizzie says we sing 'bout our favorite things when we're feeling sad and it helps us not feel sad," Eli explains with a very patient air, as though this is the most obvious reaction in the world.

"That's great, but no singing with your mouth full," Elliot says, pointing to the cereal bowl for emphasis. "Okay," his son shrugs, slipping down from his seat. "I'm done anyway!"

"Does that kid sound like he's upset to you?" Elliot asks, turning back to look at Olivia. He knows that she has made up her mind and he is fighting a losing battle, but he has to try one more time. "Olivia," he starts, drawing out her name, but she silences him by kissing him swiftly. "I'm not going anywhere, El," she promises, brushing another escaped wave of her damp hair away from her cheek, "Apart from upstairs to finish my hair." She leans up to kiss him again and this time she lingers. She tastes faintly of toothpaste and sleep and he just wants to hold her. "I love you. It'll be okay," Olivia whispers and then she is slipping from his arms before he has the chance to say anything in return.

* * *

Elliot sits across from Eli at the table. His son colors with his left hand, something that is an absolute wonder to the rest of the family. He picks the colors out, one by one, and brings the picture to life. He isn't bothered by trying to stay inside the lines, in fact he claims that the picture looks better when he colors wherever he wants to. There aren't any rules to follow or mistakes to be made that can't be fixed by another crayon or a turn of the page. Eli is five, it's true, but Elliot longs for the simplicity of his son's world.

"You think she's gonna like it, Daddy?" Eli asks, startling Elliot out of his reverie. "Who, bud?" He asks absently, meeting his son's wide blue eyes. "Liv," Eli replies easily, turning his coloring book around and sliding it across the table so that Elliot can see the large green and orange brontosaurus he has been working on.

 _Liv._ Olivia. The way that Eli says her name is a blessing, as though she is the most natural person in the world for him to be attached to. His son knows nothing of the life that he and Olivia lead before his birth. The years spent together on the job have instilled certain fears in them both. He has a brutal fear of losing _her_ and she has an awful anxiety about hurting _anyone._ His fear is born out of loving her for so long and hers is born of living without for even longer.  
Olivia is worried about affecting his ex-wife, the woman that he went home to nearly every night for the entirety of their partnership. He can't dismiss her worry because she is right and he is wrong. Her fears are real and they are substantial and he has to validate that they exist because they are a part of her. Olivia has always had a spot-on instinct when it comes to dealing with delicate situations and he has to trust her now.

"I made her a picture so she doesn't miss me," Eli's little voice brings him back and Elliot clenches his jaw as he tries to remember how to breathe at the sound of his son's sentiment. "We're gonna miss you no matter what, but Liv's gonna love that dinosaur," he replies, handing the coloring book back to his son as he stands and makes his way around the table. He ruffles Eli's hair affectionately. "I'll be right back," he says, "Gonna go check on Liv."

"'Kay," his son answers, leaning across the table to reach for one the crayons that has rolled away.

Heidi settles herself up against the foot of Eli's chair as though she understands that she is to be the responsible adult while Elliot is out of the room. As he makes his way up the stairs, he can no longer hear the hum of her hairdryer and so he knows she must have finished. He taps lightly on the door and when he hears Olivia's voice answer, he slips inside. She meets his gaze in the mirror as she cleans up her place at the sink.  
"I love you," he tells her earnestly, stepping back and moving to sit down on the side of the tub. "Please talk to me," Olivia requests softly as she turns around and settles against the edge of the sink.

He takes a steadying breath and studies the wood of the floor beneath her painted toes. "I want you to come with me," he tells her, clearing his throat because his voice is too low. "Hell, I wanna be with you all the time, but I've got no right to ask you to come. I'm the one who put you in this position in the first place." Elliot scrubs his hand roughly over his jaw as he braces his elbows against his thighs. "You've always been better with this kinda stuff than I have and if you don't think it's right to come, then that's okay. This is your call, Liv and you gotta be comfortable. You gotta know that's all I want."

Olivia nods as she pushes herself up to sit on the counter. She ducks her head for a moment and her bangs obscure his view of her face before she meets his gaze again. "There's no play book for all of this, Liv. I don't have all the answers and I dunno anything 'cept that I love you. I'm figuring everything out as I go, just the same as you," he admits. He doesn't want her to think that this is easy for him or that he has all the solutions in a little notebook somewhere. God knows if he did, he'd be sharing them with her.

"I think I'm going to come," she says and Elliot swallows into silence. She continues to astound him with the way that she thinks through things, the careful consideration with which she weighs her options. He has to listen to hear her reasoning because every minute with her is a learning experience.

"You are?" He rasps and Olivia nods slowly. "I was thinking that this won't get any easier, but at the same time it's only as hard as we make it out to be."

"I don't want it to be hard," Elliot tells her, the words falling from his lips before he can stop them. He worries they sound childish, he isn't Eli after all. If his sentiment seems juvenile, Olivia doesn't let on. "I don't either," she admits, biting down on her lip. "I just don't want to hurt anyone."

Elliot shakes his head because _this_ is something he understands. Something he has learned that he can give her to hold onto. "You gotta know that would never be your fault. You'd never hurt anybody on purpose. You only got control over how you act, not how other people react."

Olivia looks up at him and her eyes are wide. He knows his words contradict his actions in the life he lived with her before this one. He owes that particular lesson to many hours of therapy with Cody.  
"Where did you come from?" Olivia asks, her voice lilting in amusement.  
Elliot grins at her as he stands up and she reaches for him. "Dunno," he rumbles, burying his face against her neck and kissing her there. "But I know where I'm going."

"Where?" Olivia asks, playing along. He can feel her fingers pressing into his back. "With you," he answers truthfully, his voice is low in her ear as he kisses her cheek. Olivia nods. "You jump. I jump, Jack," she says.

Elliot tightens his grasp on her waist as he pulls back to meet her eyes. "Who's Jack?" He asks curiously and Olivia dissolves into laughter against his shoulder.

* * *

Meeting at the park had been his idea and he is proud of it. It isn't far from Kathy's hotel and it makes for a neutral point of contact for all of them. There are a few joggers out and about this morning, running on the gravel path around the small lake. Despite the fact that the air has warmed to a balmy 45 degrees, there aren't any other families out on the playground _yet._

 _"Watch!_ Watch this!" Eli makes his seventh trip down the tallest slide before he is bolting towards where Elliot stands, wide-eyed and beaming and he knows what is coming next. "Dad, Daddy! You gotta try this! It's the coolest slide I ever done before!"

Elliot glances at Olivia, who is desperately trying to keep a straight face. "Yeah Dad," she says softly, making him grin as she presses her hand against his back and gently urges him forward. Elliot catches her fingers in his own and squeezes before he lets Eli lead him up to the top of the jungle gym.

It a large multicolored structure made of slides and turrets, climbing walls, and monkey bars. Leave it to his son to become enamored with the tallest slide there is. He wonders when was the last time he has been on a playground like this. He used to take the twins on occasion after school when they were Eli's age, but his children never had the luxury of a swing set in their backyard growing up. He is now determined to change that.

At the top of the slide, Eli lets go of his hand and Elliot lowers himself down to sit down. He surveys the giant yellow slide before him and shit if he isn't having second thoughts about consenting to this. He hears Olivia's laughter from below and he tries to peek at her over the side.

"It's high, Liv," he calls, knowing that she can hear both the laughter in his voice and his trepidation. "You look good up there!" She cries, he can see the amusement in her dark eyes from here. "You'd look better," he tosses back, making her laugh as he moves himself forward. Eli's little hands pat his shoulders eagerly. "C'mon Dad! Go, go, go fast!"

Elliot sits there for a moment more. He has never considered himself to be an over-analyzer, but he is struck by the significance of this moment. The top of the slide, the precipice, the point of no return, the moment from which there isn't any going back and by the grace of God, he doesn't want to. He thinks about forward motion and that sometimes all one needs is a push in the right direction, toward what is waiting, toward the future...

"You scared, Dad?" Eli asks, curious about Elliot's lack of movement. He shakes his head and offers his son his hand.

"Come with me, buddy," he says at the last second, turning and helping Eli into his lap. "Yay! We're gonna go really fast this time! Wheeeeeeee!" Eli screams in delight as they slip down the slide to meet Olivia at the bottom. "Great job, guys!" She cries, laughing at what Elliot knows is the playful grimace on his face.

"I'm doing that again! C'mon Liv!" Eli cries, pushing himself off of Elliot's knee and jumping down from the structure. Elliot takes Olivia's proffered hand as he swings his legs over the side of the slide.  
"Did you have fun?" She asks, as he moves to stand beside her. "Yeah, but now I think I need to make an appointment with the chiropractor," he replies, stretching out his back and making her laugh.

"Hi Mommy!" They both look up at the sound of Eli's voice to see Kathy waving as she makes her way across the parking lot toward the playground. Elliot feels the way Olivia's fingers tense against his hand, but she doesn't let go immediately and he is proud as hell of her.  
"It's okay," he whispers. She nods with a confidence that he isn't sure she feels before she lets him go. Eli zooms down the slide and runs right into his mother's waiting arms. The hem of Kathy's beige dress coat will be covered with mulch, but she doesn't seem to mind. Her blonde hair skims the top of her shoulders in the light breeze as she hugs Eli close. "Hi sweetie, I missed you," she cries, letting him take her hand and lead her over to where the two of them stand.

Elliot watches the way Kathy smiles genuinely as she takes them in and he knows that they're all going to be all right. "Hi Kath," he says, leaning forward to hug her briefly as Eli tugs on her hand. "Mom, Mommy! You gotta watch me do the slide again, okay?" He tells her before he dashes off toward the climbing wall. "Okay baby," she calls after him before turning back around.

 _"Hi Liv."_  
 _"Hi Kath."  
_  
They greet each other in the same exact breath and any lingering tension is broken by their mutual desire to put the other at ease.  
"It's good to see you, Liv," Kathy says earnestly. "You too, Kath," Olivia nods and Elliot can tell that she is shaking just slightly as she reaches out to touch his ex-wife's arm.

"Mom! Mommy, can you watch me now?" Eli cries from the top of the slide and Kathy laughs lightly as all three of them direct their focus toward him.  
"Go for it, buddy!" She exclaims as Eli catapults himself down the slide, waving his arms madly on the way down. "Wow! That was so fast!" Kathy comments as Eli hops back on the slide and attempts to climb up the slippery surface.

"Eli, you can do that as long as nobody's coming down, okay?" Elliot calls out as a reminder to their son. "'Kay, Dad!" Eli replies, waving with one hand as he valiantly tries to continue his trek, but keeps slipping down because he is giggling too hard.

Olivia can't help but laugh at the sound and Kathy turns to look back at the two of them. "How was he for you guys?" She asks, stepping aside to stand to Olivia's right, so that they can all keep an eye on the subject of their conversation.  
"We had fun," Elliot says with a grin, "He's non-stop, but we wouldn't have it any other way."

"He's growing up so fast," Olivia says softly and Kathy glances at her with a smile.  
"I know. I can't believe it that he went from that teeny tiny little baby to this crazy little guy. He loves you, Liv. He talks about you all the time at home."

Olivia exhales at the sound of Kathy's words and she tilts her head as they watch Eli slip all the way down the slide backwards. The two of them are inextricably linked by the life of this miraculous little boy.

"You have amazing children," Olivia says quietly and Kathy reaches out to touch her arm. Elliot's attention is focused on Eli and how his son has wandered over to the edge of the lake. He watches as Eli picks up a small stone in his hand and tosses it into the water, making the surface shimmer with thousands of ripples.

"Gotta tell you," Elliot says, nodding toward their child, "He was a little upset this morning 'bout having to leave, but I told him I'll see him next weekend."  
Kathy smiles knowingly because they all understand that their son gets attached. "Lizzie told me you were going to try to come up. Liv, will you come? You're more than welcome..."

Olivia shakes her head. "Thank you, Kathy. I'm going to drive up with Elliot and I start back to work on Monday, so we'll all be able to get back into our routines."  
Kathy's light eyes are wide at Olivia's news, but before she can say anything, Eli calls out to them.

"Hey Liv, can you come here please?" He shouts, waving excitedly. Olivia gives a quiet laugh and Elliot brushes the small of her back with his palm as she moves from his side. "I'll be back," she says, making her way across toward Eli. "What did you find, honey?"  
The sound of her voice fades away as she joins his son at the edge of the water.

"I'm glad Liv is all right," Kathy says, glancing down at the lake before she looks over at him. He wonders about the amount of God-given grace that has allowed him to fall in love with two different women, at separate times in his life, who truly care about each other's welfare. He knows it could be hell and by all rights Kathy should hate him, but somehow she doesn't. She doesn't hate him. She doesn't hate Olivia. She doesn't begrudge him any of the parts of their lives that they share. She is remarkable in her benevolence.

"I know it doesn't mean anything, but I never meant to hurt you," Elliot whispers suddenly, the words slipping from his lips on an exhale. Kathy waves his words away as she looks down to study the buttons on her coat. "I know that," she says sincerely.

"Liv almost didn't come today 'cause she didn't want anyone to get hurt." All at once is pouring out every admission of truth that lingers inside of him. He doesn't want anyone to have any doubt about what is to come.

Kathy looks up quickly, her fair cheeks are wet with tears, but she seeks his eyes nevertheless. "I'm glad Olivia came. None of us ever meant to hurt each other." She shakes her head to emphasize her point. "This is a new start, El. We're all just going to work together and try our best and that's all we can do. Everyday is a little different and we'll work with what we've been given."

He nods because he can't speak. He knows she is right. He and Olivia have been over this ten thousand times, but to hear it from Kathy is something different. It strikes him that they are communicating better now than they ever did while they lived under the same roof.

His tries to blink away the moisture in his eyes, but the grass and the trees are steadily blurring with his tears. His throat is aching with emotion and he needs a minute, but he owes Kathy this moment and so much more. He sees her at seventeen: beautiful, smart, funny, and the girl who had to grow up far too quickly. He sees her at their home in Queens, dinner on the stove, homework on the table, a kid always tugging on her arm. He sees her now, caring, courageous, and older but no less beautiful.

"So..." she says. Her tone lilts softly, making her sound so much like their daughters that he tilts his head to look at her.  
"What?" Elliot asks gently. Kathy's blue eyes catch the sun as she smiles up at him. "You know, Kathleen is right about your poker face. Both of you."

"What d'you-" he starts, but she speaks again before he can finish. "You're getting married, aren't you?" She asks quietly, her voice almost reverent.

 _God._

Elliot clenches his jaw and fixes his gaze on the tangle of his son's hand in Olivia's. He wonders if he has always been this transparent, worn his heart on his sleeve this way. Eli is pointing to something in the water, maybe a frog or a fish and Olivia is crouching down beside him, listening intently to whatever he is telling her. She may never be his mother, but he knows that she loves him as though he were her own child.

"Yes," he answers simply. Olivia is a gift, a privilege, the love of his life. He will never deny that.

"Liv loves Eli," his ex-wife remarks as though she is reading his mind. Elliot swallows the tightness in his throat as he nods. "She does. She loves all the kids."

He hears Kathy take a wavering breath before she continues. "They love her. That's why this is going to work out," she says softly. "We all love our children and we'll never let them feel like they don't have a place in all of this. They'll always know where they belong."


	29. Chapter 29

Author's Note: _Thank you_

* * *

He wakes while the sky is still black. He tilts his head to the left toward Olivia and away from the clock because he doesn't want to check the time. The minutes that he has left with her beside him are slipping away like sand through his fingers. The week has been the shortest one of his life and he is tired, but sleep hadn't come easily. He spent most of the night trying not to move for fear of disturbing her, until he felt Olivia's hand reach for his own beneath the blankets and he'd realized that even in this, she hasn't left him. He can tell that she is awake now by the measured cadence of her breathing, the way she is trying to control the soft rhythm of air. Olivia shifts closer and she presses her lips to his shoulder, kissing him there.

The soft cotton of her too-big t-shirt is gathered beneath her breasts and he can feel the warm skin of her stomach as she leans against him. He slips his arm around her, smoothing his palm down her back. Strands of her silky hair tickle his neck and she takes a breath that doesn't quite reach her lungs.  
 _"Liv."_ Her name sounds like a prayer in the dark.  
"I love you," she breathes, slipping out of bed before he can hold onto her.

Elliot rests his head against his pillow as he watches her silhouette move toward the bathroom. He forces an inhale of his own as he rubs his hands over his eyes, his palms scrape against the stubble on his cheeks. He tilts his head now to look at the clock and the glow of the green numbers tell him that it is just after four. It's early, too early, but he knows now that they are both awake they will never be able to go back to sleep.

He hears the soft cascade of the water from the shower, the hum of the bathroom fan, and the sounds don't break the reserved quality that has permeated the last few days. They've been quiet with each other, subdued. Elliot knows it's because they are both trying to reconcile the time they are about to spend apart. He pulls himself up to sit on the side of the bed, grounding his feet on the wooden floor. His body is already humming with that nervous sort of energy that comes from the strange toss up between anticipation and dread of what is to come.

He takes another breath and then waits for the next one to follow. His world is once again being reduced down to the simplest things. Get dressed, make some coffee, pack the car, drive North. He has to break the task down into these simplest of steps, otherwise the trips looms and appears more daunting than it has to be.

Twenty minutes later, he stands in the kitchen. He has already packed their lunches and tossed his own overnight bag into the truck, so there isn't anything left for him to do except to stand here and wait. He doesn't even have Heidi as a distraction because he left her at Cody and Meg's place last night. He feels as though he is living the moments leading up to the last time he traveled to New York, but in a different order. Heidi is already safe and taken care of and none of his children are going to be sleeping in the car on the drive. This time, it is Olivia he has to transport safely back to the city, back to the life that she left there, the life she left unfinished.

He leans heavily against the counter, the zipper of his gray sweatshirt clinks against the hard surface. He shifts on his feet as he hears her coming down the stairs and looks up as she rounds the corner. Her black parka is slung over her arm and his own gray scarf is hanging loosely around her neck. It's hers, if she wants it.

Olivia stands across from him in the kitchen and it doesn't escape him that this is exactly where they stood on that first night, so many weeks ago, when she was hurting and he was trying. He was certain and she was unsure and together they have made it all the way from touch and go to come and stay. Her bruises have faded, his nightmares have almost all but been replaced with dreams of summer and warmth and Olivia asleep in the hammock on the back porch.

She sets her duffel bag down next to the table and Elliot watches as her dark eyes take in the now familiar space as though she is trying to memorize every last detail. When she meets his gaze, she shrugs and the motion must help her to let go of something that she has been holding onto because she nods silently to him, in a quiet preparation for departure. There is someone else playing out behind the deep brown of her gaze. If he didn't know her so well, he thinks he would miss it. It's something akin to need.

"Please don't look at me like that," she says softly, tilting her head so that her bangs flirt along the edge of her eyelashes. Elliot swallows hard. "Like what?" He asks, his voice hoarse from disuse. He hasn't meant to-

"Like you're never going to see me again," she breathes. Her tone is light, but her voice breaks like the tide. She breaks _him._

Elliot takes a step toward her and before he can help himself he is reaching for her and the words are slipping past his lips. "Don't go yet, Liv." There is something left that she needs, needs, needs...

 _"El."_

The sound of his name cracking in her voice is enough to send him over the edge. Suddenly they are both all movement, pushing, pulling, clutching, falling. He is walking her backwards through the hallway and stepping her into the laundry room and lifting her up to sit on the washing machine. She is slipping his arms free of his sweatshirt as he kisses her, _kisses_ her. They are a chaotic clash of _yes_ and _please_ and _don't let me go_ and _I miss you even though you haven't gone yet_.  
He is pulling the scarf from her neck as he trails hot, wet, open-mouthed kisses over the perfect skin of her cheek, her jaw, her neck. He has a hunger for her that is goes beyond sex, past lust. Olivia is so innately a part of him, of who he is, and who he wants to be that he can't believe he is being asked to let her go.

Olivia's fingers are working the buttons of his flannel and her fingertips brush his bare skin with each movement she makes. His muscles are clenching hard from her lightest of touches and suddenly she is pulling him closer, pressing her legs to the back of his thighs, urging him onto her. He tears her sweater from the waist of her cotton lounge pants and his hands trail against her skin as he pushes the material up and over her head. He bends to kiss the soft skin of her stomach, the shadow between her lace-covered breasts. Olivia cries out, her fingers digging hard into the skin at the nape of his neck and he knows she is going to leave marks, but that's what he wants. He wants reminders, parts of her to remain here with him. Tangible, touchable things she has left behind so that he knows that this wasn't all a dream.

"I love you," he murmurs against her skin as though the words will sink into her very being and become a part of all that she is.

Olivia presses against him, her body aligning so perfectly with his own that he can't help the way he groans. His hands tangle with hers in an effort to touch her, to divest her of the soft material that inhibits the way he wants to feel every inch of her. She reaches for his belt buckle and works it with both hands as he pulls her closer, forcing her to throw her hands behind her for support as he tugs her pants away from her body. Olivia tries to lift herself up off of the cold metal of the washing machine as her pants fall down her long legs. She grasps his hand as Elliot's rough palm comes into contact with the perfect warmth between her thighs. _"Elliot,"_ His name in her voice is simultaneously a sob, a plea, and a prayer. He kisses her again, swallowing the small desperate sounds she is making into his mouth. "I love you," she gasps in between kisses, her palms pressing hard against his back as though she is trying to hold onto him, as though she thinks he could ever go.

He holds his fingers against her, moving, touching, feeling. "El, _please,"_ Olivia cries out, her voice settling into the crevice between his neck and his shoulder. Elliot watches her face, every nuance, every expression. She is holding back and he wants to know why. _"Olivia,"_ he rumbles every syllable of her name in a hushed growl. "I need you," she whispers in answer to his unspoken question. Her dark eyes find his own and all he can think about is how open she is with him, how vulnerable she allows herself to be with him and how much she trust him. He is shaken by his own visceral need show her, to prove to her, to-

 _"El."_ She is touching him then and he loses all control. Their breathing is frenzied and frantic as they hold and touch and grasp. Olivia moves again and Elliot slides into her, muffling his groan against the perfect skin of her neck. _"Liv."_ He is kissing her again then and it's a passionate clash as they both fight for more of each other before time runs out. He brings her over the edge before losing himself inside of her. It is not until he is holding her for long moments afterwards that he realizes he has found himself there too.

* * *

This isn't the first time he has driven into the city today. It is the second. At seven 'o clock in the evening, the traffic is as heavy as ever, but he isn't letting it bother him tonight. He doesn't miss the cacophony of noise or the grueling pace of the life that he left here. He misses _who_ he left here and he misses her already. They haven't been apart for six hours, but it's been long enough.

They had made good time driving from Virginia this morning, trading off the task of driving every two hours. While he drove, Olivia slept beside him. The weight of her head had rested against his arm and he hadn't needed the radio because the lull of her breathing had been more than enough of an incentive to push forward. Olivia had woken, tousled and adorable, to squint at him in the dull morning light. He'd given her half a grin.

"You okay?" She had asked the question before he could, as she pressed her palm against his arm and moved to sit up in the passenger seat. "Yeah," he had told her, stealing a quick glance and reaching across to brush her hair behind her ear. "You?" He had asked, tossing the question right back. He remembers the way she had drawn a breath and leaned forward in her seat to stretch her back. "Yes," she answered with a sureness that he knew she hadn't possessed only hours before.

They hadn't spoken much, breaking the quiet only to hand off prepared sandwiches or change places in the truck.

The last thirty minutes of the trip, Olivia had drummed her fingers absently against the console between them while he navigated the forever familiar maze of streets. He had grabbed her hand with his own, silencing the nervous sound and putting an end to her lingering doubts about whether or not she had done the right thing.

She _has_ done the right thing. They both have. With each mile he has driven today, Elliot feels as though he left some weight along the highway and gained some sort of tentative understanding in return. As much as he needs Olivia beside him, he also needs her to go and to finish what she started. He knows that she will never admit it right now, but there will come a cathartic sense of completion about seeing this through to the end.

Elliot eases the truck to a stop at a red light. His right hand rests on his thigh while he grips the steering wheel with his left. Control and surrender all at the same time. He has been practicing. The truck smells faintly of her spearmint gum and he can just see the outline of one of her black hair ties on the passenger seat in the waning light of day. Even when she isn't beside him, she has unintentionally left reminders, little pieces of herself for him to hold onto. As though this is her truck, her space, her place in the world. _Hers._

His gaze skims the layout of the maze of the streets that hold memories of thousands of moments of their lives. He is making a silent pact with Manhattan, this place they used to share. He will give her back on the condition that she is returned to him, safe and whole, one last time. _Please,_ he begs. He begs the concrete they used to walk, the coffee shops they frequented, the unchanging masses of the buildings.

He knows he has the capacity to completely fall apart without Olivia. It has happened before. He knows he can become moody and withdrawn and retreat to the house and the land with Heidi. He knows that there will be moments of that, but he doesn't want the darkness to overtake his outlook. He won't let it.

There is an end in sight, a bright spot on the cloudy horizon. There's warmth coming. Spring then Summer then _July._ By the grace of God, he thinks there is a _yes_ on the tip of her tongue and a future together. That is where their mutual focus has to lie, on what is to come.

He left her at her apartment late this morning to make his way out to Kathy's place in Glen Cove to see his kids. His ex-wife had called just as he was navigating his way out of the city to tell him that their newly twenty year old daughter had been up since three o'clock with a fever. Lizzie slept through his entire visit with Eli and woken only minutes before he left, holding her ground from her seat on the stairs while he stood with Kathy and Eli in the foyer. Elizabeth's light eyes had been glassy and her porcelain complexion even paler than usual.

"Go back to bed, baby," Elliot had instructed her. Lizzie had protested when he had moved forward and pressed a kiss to the top of her head. "Please don't, Daddy! I don't want you or Liv to get sick."

He'd told her that was a chance he was willing to take as her father. He is going to see the other half of his set of twins tomorrow when he meets Dickie. His son had pleasantly surprised him when he had suggested an early breakfast before the drive back to Virginia.

Elliot had taken Eli with him to mass tonight and they spent half an hour afterwards hand-in-hand walking up and down the aisles of the church as his son pointed out his favorite parts of each and every stained glass window. Even though he isn't technically on a schedule, he is running a little behind, but he wouldn't have missed spending the time with his youngest for anything.

He finds a decent spot in the garage for the truck and he pulls the bag of groceries from the back seat before he locks the doors and makes his way toward the elevator. Two floors up, the elevator doors open and he looks up at the sound of his name. "Dad!"  
"Leen? What are you doing here?" Elliot asks in surprise as he steps out of the elevator and uses his free arm to pull her into a hug.

"I went grocery shopping earlier and I picked up a few things for Liv 'cause I didn't think you guys had much on hand. I was just going to drop everything off, but Liv wanted to stay and so we just made dinner for you guys," Kathleen informs him enthusiastically. "You've been at Mom's? Did you see Liz? Is she feeling better?" She asks all of this with such thoughtfulness that he can't help but reach for her again.

"I missed you," he says gruffly, holding onto her for a moment before he takes her in.

His daughter stands before him, her taupe-colored coat covering her knee-length black dress and her blonde hair is tied up in an elegant knot. She looks beautiful and very much the young lady that she has grown up to be. Kathleen is smart and spontaneous and feisty as all get out, she is attentive and opinionated and brave. This is who he would have lost years ago, had Olivia not stepped in and saved their lives.

When he meets Kathleen's gaze, he realizes that she has been scrutinizing him just as much as he has been watching her. "Are you okay?" She asks, her blue eyes are wide with the inquisition. "Yeah," he tells her, nodding for emphasis. "You look beautiful."  
Kathleen's smile is like the sun and her amused roll of her eyes reminds him that no matter what changes, some things will ever remain the same.

"Thanks Dad. I have a date," she explains softly, glancing down at her own formal clothes. She is amazing him because he knows it is only through divine intervention that she is so forthcoming as to provide him with this insight into her life. He can count on one hand the number of years ago that she would have shut him out and he knows that he deserved her exclusion.

Now she stands in front of him, telling him of her plans for the evening and Elliot wonders if she knows that she is living proof of second chances, both the one that she has taken advantage of and the one that she has gifted to him.

She looks down at the golden watch bracelet she wears that he recognizes as the one Olivia gave to her two Christmases ago. She plays with the belt of her coat for a moment before she shifts and the heels of her pumps click against the floor. All at once, Elliot is grinning because she reminds him of when she was a little girl, raiding Kathy's closet to play dress up with Elizabeth. Kathleen looks up at him and she smiles.

"I have to run, Dad. Rob's picking me up in a minute. He's coming with me to the art department dinner and then we're going to see Phantom," she says, giving him an even clearer glimpse into her life. She leans up to press a kiss to Elliot's cheek before she steps around him to move toward the elevator. "Oh," she pauses, grasping his arm as they exchange the ground between them.

"I have to ask you," she says, her voice lilts and all at once he knows she is trying desperately to sound casual but whatever she wants to say is making her happy. "I wasn't snooping. I promise," she starts, holding up her hands and prefacing her query. "But there's a little box on Liv's dresser. I saw it when I went to the bathroom. Did you-?" She asks, pressing her lips together to stop herself from smiling. Kathleen tilts her head so that her dangling earrings brush against the shoulder of her coat.

Elliot exhales and wonders about the explanation he can give to his child in the next thirty seconds before her car arrives and she is whisked away for the evening.

"Kinda," he tells her honestly. He watches Kathleen's eyes fill so that they resemble the blue of the Pacific. The smallest watery laugh escapes from his daughter's lips. "Does _kinda_ mean _yes?"_ She presses eagerly and all at once he is sitting next to her in the front seat of the car, months ago, listening to her ask a question pertaining to Olivia that had a very similar ring to it.

 _"You do, don't you?"_

He answers her now, the same way he did that night, with the truth. "Yes."

Kathleen lets out the tiniest excited laugh before she presses her fingers to her mouth and shakes her head. "I won't say anything to anybody, but you have to tell Liz soon 'cause she had a dream about this the other night and she's starting to think she's psychic or something."

"Leen," he says quickly, catching her hand because he needs her for a minute more. "Your Mom knows." He wants everyone to be on the same page and he desperately doesn't want to hurt any of them.  
"She does?" Kathleen asks, her voice higher than usual with disbelief. "Yeah." He nods as his daughter folds herself back in to hug him.

"That's good, Dad. That's such a good thing," Kathleen tells him, nodding against his shoulder. He presses a kiss to the top of her head as the elevator arrives behind her.

Kathleen pulls away, tucking a wisp of blonde behind her ear and squeezing his arm with a smile. "Keep me posted on everything and I'll let you know when I get home tonight."

There is so much that he wants to tell her, so much that he wants to thank her for.

 _You're amazing. I'm so proud of you. I'm so happy for you. Thank you for every minute you give me._ All this he wants to say as he watches her step forward toward the rapidly opening elevator doors.

"I love you," is the utterance that falls from his lips and he wonders if that isn't the most important one for her to know anyway. Kathleen beams at him.  
"I love you too, Dad," she says, waving in the moment before the doors obscure their view of each other and his daughter disappears.

* * *

The morning sounds of the city are so familiar that for a moment he forgets he has ever left. The space in Olivia's bed beside him is cold and he knows that means she has been up for some time. Her pillow is missing too, but before he can solve that mystery he hears her moving around in the kitchen. Elliot pulls a sweatshirt on over his boxers and meets her in the living room.

"Hi," she says softly, glancing at him over her shoulder as she rummages through her purse on the counter.  
"Morning," he rumbles, taking her in. Olivia is already dressed in slacks and a black sweater and when he leans in to press a kiss to her cheek he feels the dampness of her hair from her shower. He squints around the apartment and the couch catches his eye.

Her pillow rests against the cushions and the blankets are laying haphazardly across the space. "Did you sleep out here?" Elliot asks, turning to look at her. "Yes," Olivia nods as she extracts her wallet from her purse.  
"How come, Liv? Was I snoring? You should've kicked me outta bed," He presses, bewildered.  
"No," she says, shaking her head and pressing her palms down onto the counter top. "I wanted to make sure I could still sleep without you beside me while you were still here." She admits this almost shyly as though he hasn't been worried about the exact same thing.

"Can you?" He asks, swallowing heavily as he slips his hands into the pockets of his sweatshirt. Olivia tilts her head and glances up at him through her eyelashes. "I'll get used to it again," she says, giving him a small smile.  
"Don't get too used to it, Benson," he tells her, his voice too low. He makes her blush and he earns the playfully exasperated look that she throws his way.

He falls silent as he sits down on the couch and watches her move purposefully around the apartment. It's just past seven and isn't meeting Dickie until eight-thirty. If Olivia weren't already dressed, he thinks he might just get away with picking her up and hauling her back into bed with him, but she seems to be on a mission and he isn't about to get in her way. He has a theory as to where she is headed, but he wants to hear it from her.

When she steps out of her bedroom with her badge clipped to her belt, he gets his answer. "Where you going?" Elliot asks as though his question doesn't have the most obvious answer in the world. Olivia's eyes meet his and she chews on her bottom lip for an instant before she speaks.  
"I'm going to go into work for a little while. I thought it would be best for me to go in early today and get myself reacquainted without everybody there to stare at me."

"Nobody's gonna stare at you," he says. Olivia smiles hopefully. "I cleared it with Capt," she assures him.

"It's Sunday," Elliot says lightly, trying to give her a reason to stay home. She must find something terribly amusing about his words because suddenly she is laughing that perfectly sweet laugh that he wants to capture in a seashell and hold it to his ear to be able to listen to forever.

"What's so funny?" He asks, grinning as he pushes himself up off the couch to stand opposite her. Olivia's dark eyes sparkle mischievously before she speaks and he knows he is in for something good.  
"You know what that sounds like?" She asks, trying in vain to keep herself from smiling. "No," he says, shaking his head as he reaches for her waist and tugs her close. "Tell me."

Elliot feels the way her fingers close around the cotton of his sweatshirt as she burrows into his neck. "That sounds like something my husband would say," she replies quietly, resting her chin against his collarbone as she blinks up at him through her dark eyelashes.

He exhales on a breath and she falls against him with the movement. He holds her close for long moments, pressing his mouth to the top of her head.  
"That _is_ what your husband would say," he whispers and it strikes him that the way they talk to each other now isn't any different from the way they have always communicated. He thinks their pull toward each other has always been inevitable.

He feels Olivia take a deep breath against him and her lips brush against his neck when she speaks. "Okay, listen. I have to go because I can't be here to watch you leave," She confesses, drawing back and studying the space that she has created between their bodies, the grip of her own hands on his forearms.

"Give Dickie a hug for me and you'll call me when you get home?" She requests, chancing a glance up at him before her eyes fill and she focuses on breathing once more. He gives her a lot of credit because right now at this last moment, he has lost the ability to speak.

"I love you," Elliot attempts, his voice rasps against his throat and he holds onto her waist as though she is his lifeline. Olivia's nod comes too quickly and the motion sends her tears down her cheeks.  
"I'm sorry," she whispers, brushing her face with her fingertips. He kisses her forehead, silently dismissing her apology. "I put my spare key in your jacket pocket," she explains quickly, "Just in case you're in my neck of the woods and you need-"

He kisses her then, cutting her off because his need for her will never dissipate. Her desire to give him purchase on every part of her life for however long they will be apart is so humbling that it almost brings him to his knees.

Olivia makes the softest sobbing sound against his lips before she reaches up to hug him. Elliot holds her close and finds his voice wrapped in her arms.  
"You call me. Anytime, day or night and I'll be here as fast as I can, okay?" He assures her, slipping his palms up her arms to grasp her shoulders. Olivia's breath hitches as she swallows and she nods on a broken exhale.

"I love you so much," she whispers, kissing him swiftly before she slips out of his arms and heads for the door.  
"Be careful," Elliot says as he watches her put her coat on and slip her cell phone into her pocket. "I will be. You too," she replies, bundling her hair up into a ponytail and arranging his gray scarf around her neck.

"Take care of yourself," he whispers hoarsely and he means it both as a request to Olivia and a prayer to the Heavens. She glances up at him as she zips her coat. "I'm not going to do anything different from what I've always done, El," she reasons, "I don't have a sudden desire to go sky diving just because we're getting married."

That does it. She breaks the mood with her attempt at lightness and he can't help but grin. Olivia keeps alluding to it in different ways and he thinks he is falling more and more in love with her each time. The way her eyes light up and her voice becomes more certain every time she talks about it, as though she is acclimating herself to the reality of this.

"If you're gonna go skydiving, least gimme a call so I can come with you," he teases lightly.  
"You have some skydiving experience I don't know about?" She inquires playfully as he steps toward her.  
"No," he says, shaking his head. "But how hard can it be?"

Olivia laughs again and just before he reaches for her she presses her palm to his chest. "If you keep touching me, I'm never going to be able to leave," she confesses, feigning sternness. "I have to go."

He knows. He knows she has to go and he has to let her and together they are just delaying the inevitable and making it all the more difficult. Elliot sinks his hands deep into his sweatshirt pockets once more to keep himself from holding onto her.

"Is this what it's like dropping your kid off at college?" Olivia muses, looking up at him for the answer.  
"Kinda," he tells her honestly, "But I think this is more like first day of preschool leaving your heart at the door kinda thing."  
Olivia takes a breath before she nods. "Good to know," she whispers, her voice is full again. "You have my heart."

"You have mine," Elliot manages, swallowing thickly as he presses a kiss to her forehead. He reaches around her for the lock on the door before he grasps the handle and pulls the door open behind her. He knows that by opening the door, it takes the onus off of her, relieves her of the responsibility that he wants to take on.

"I love you," he tells her, brushing her wet cheek with his thumb. His own eyes sting with the burn of tears the longer he looks at her. Olivia kisses him once more and he forces a breath.  
"Listen," Elliot whispers, trying desperately for control. "Now, you're gonna go. You're gonna walk down the hallway and you're not gonna look back 'cause you know I'm with you no matter what." His voice is breaking now, but he needs one moment more. "Go Liv," he whispers against her temple and without looking back, she does.

* * *

He sits in the booth across from where his son stands while the morning crowd mills through the restaurant. The day is unseasonably warm for late February, but Elliot knows that it won't last because there is a storm coming from the mid-west and more snow is surely on its way.  
He grins to himself as he watches Dickie interact with the patrons at the counter. His son seems to know half of the customers in the joint this morning. Not just casually either, Dickie actually knows details about their lives. He asks about how their children are doing in school, how their friend is healing after a surgery.

His son's grin is almost sheepish as he turns around and catches Elliot watching him. He says goodbye to a young couple and settles onto the opposite bench across the table. "Sorry 'bout that, Dad," he says, taking a sip of his coffee. Elliot waves away his apology.

"You're pretty popular 'round here. How do you know everybody?" He asks curiously.  
Dickie shrugs. "This place has a soup kitchen on Wednesday nights and a group of us come down to help out. A lotta the regular customers are volunteers, so you get to know people. You know?"

Elliot nods, even though it is news to him that this is what his son does in his spare time. "You get Olivia settled?" Dickie asks, as the breeze from the open window ruffles his brown hair.

"Yeah, Liv went into work a little while ago. She wants to get herself back into the swing of things before tomorrow," Elliot explains and Dickie nods in understanding. "That's gotta be weird for her, huh? After being away for so long?"

A young waitress stops at their table and deposits their plates in front of them. Their stacks of pancakes are impressive and Elliot is starting to regret letting his twenty year old son order for him. He remembers a time when he would easily polish off a dozen pancakes in a sitting, but he isn't hungry this morning. The reality of Olivia's absence sits heavily on his shoulders. He is trying to shake the feeling though, to be wholly present with his kid.

Dickie catches onto his silence. "You okay, Dad?" He asks, his light eyes are serious for a moment.  
Elliot nods. "Yeah," he starts, "Wanna tell you something." He remembers Lizzie telling him about the importance of talking to Dickie about Olivia resignation. He has spoken with his son plenty of times over the phone during the last few weeks, but it isn't the same as being in front of him.

They pass the syrup across the table before Elliot speaks again. "Olivia put her papers in. She's gonna work through June and then she'll be done with the job." His son's green eyes are wide at the news.

"No way," Dickie says softly, his brow furrowing as he seems to consider the weight of the information he has just been given. They sit in silence for a few minutes and Elliot marvels at the difference between talking to his oldest son and talking with his daughters. The girls always have something to say. He can forever count on their stories, their advice, and their willingness to share. The three of them are sincere and opinionated and they pour out every thought in their heads.  
Dickie is different. His son is reserved when it comes to his words. He considers what he wants to say for a long time before he speaks.

"Gotta tell you that takes a lotta guts, Dad," Dickie says, taking a bite of a pancake and chewing thoughtfully. Elliot is nonplussed by his son's reaction and his face must show his surprise because Dickie's quickly begins speaking again.

"Olivia has been on the job a long time, right?" He backtracks and Elliot nods. "I mean, she's pretty brave walking away from something that she has done for so long."

Elliot leans back in his seat and watches his son. Dickie has a unique perspective and Elliot is eager to hear more of what he has to say. Thankfully, now that he has begun speaking, Dickie doesn't seem to want to stop.

"Here's the thing, Dad. Olivia isn't quitting. She's just figured out that it's time to move on, you know? I've never been out there on the streets, but I know from watching you and talking to a lotta different people that the job is one the hardest that there is." Elliot nods in acknowledgement before Dickie continues.

"You know that speech that they give you when you get on a plane about putting your oxygen mask on before helping other people? I think you and Olivia ignored that rule," he explains. Elliot swallows at his son's observation.  
"I know it comes with the job, serve and protect and all that, but I think you guys tried so hard to help everybody else that you forgot to take care of yourselves," Dickie says, gesturing with his hands to emphasize his point. He looks down at the table for a moment before he seems to make a decision about what he wants to say next.

"I know it's a guy thing and we don't talk about this stuff, but I know there's plenty of people who let the job dictate everything. It impacts their family and the rest of their lives, but you didn't let that happen to us. I know you didn't have much of a choice in the way the job ended for you, but you still _made_ that choice. You did your job until the end then you walked away from something completely familiar into some total fucking unknown." Dickie shrugs at the truth of his own words. "That takes guts, Dad and I'm proud of you. Proud of the job you did all those years and proud of you for what you do now. You always try to do the right thing and that's always gonna count."

By the grace of God, one of Dickie's female friends chooses this moment to pass by the table and say hello. Elliot fixes his gaze on the rapidly forming condensation on his glass of water. He traces the cold droplets with his fingertips as he fights for control of his emotions.

His son has unwittingly just handed him the last piece of the puzzle that he hadn't realized he was missing. Approval and acceptance from his daughters is one thing and somehow Eli thinks he can do no wrong, but affirmation of his choices from his oldest son is something entirely different. He doesn't know where he went right in life in order to be given such gifts in his children.

Dickie gives his friend a quick hug before sitting back down across from Elliot. His son's grin is goofy and for a moment he looks so much like Eli that Elliot can't help but laugh. "She's pretty," he comments, nodding after the girl's retreating figure.  
His son nods. "Yeah, that's Lauren. She's great. She's a friend, but if I play my cards right..." Dickie shrugs playfully, "Who knows?"

Elliot laughs again and shakes his head. "Good for you," he says and Dickie smiles.  
"I forgot," he says, leaning over and pulling a folded envelope from his jacket pocket. "Remember that internship I was applying for for the summer?"

"Yeah," Elliot nods. He remembers. Dickie has been on the hunt for a military science internship in connection with his ROTC program. "I didn't get the one here in the city, but I got another one," his son explains, extracting the letter from the envelope and passing it across the table.

Elliot takes the document in his hands and before he can even take in the emblem of the Central Intelligence Agency... _Dear Mr. Stabler, Thank you for your application. We are pleased to inform you..._ Dickie is speaking again, "This one's in D.C."

"You're kidding me?" Elliot asks, making Dickie laugh.  
"No Dad, see right here," he says, taking the letter back and pointing to the address at the top. "Mr. Richard Stabler. That's me," he jokes, pointing to his chest with an overly patient air as through he is trying to explain this to Eli.

Elliot laughs, shaking his head as he tries to wrap his mind around yet another changing reality. "You're funny, kid. I _know_ that's you. I mean, this is great. You need a place to live?" He asks without hesitation. There isn't anything that he wouldn't do to try to help his children pursue their futures.

"I'm covered, Dad. A buddy of mine got in too and we're rooming together at a dorm from one of the schools. His mom's a professor there so we get in for cheap," Dickie elaborates with a grin. He fiddles with the wrapper on his straw before he speaks again. "I thought, you know, 'cause I'll be closer we can hang out sometimes."

Elliot swallows hard and all at once he wishes another one of his son's acquaintances would pass by their table to give him a moment. His son, his son wants to hang out with him. His son doesn't blame him for anything. His son is proud of him. It's almost more than Elliot can comprehend. These seemingly simple everyday gifts he is being given that are adding up to allow him to live the most extraordinary life he has ever known. His son is waiting for a response and he has one for him, if he could just take a breath.

"'Course," he rumbles, "'Course we can hang out."

Dickie nods. "I might be crashing at your place when I need a home cooked meal," he adds craftily and Elliot can only imagine the summer nights to come with two barely twenty year old boys eating him out of house and home.

"So basically you're gonna move a couple hours south for the summer to mooch off your old man?" Elliot teases and Dickie's eyes are full of amusement. "Hey, I'm your kid. It's not mooching 'cause we're family."

Elliot laughs again and nods in agreement. "You got me there," he says and he watches Dickie's expression grow slightly more serious before he speaks again. "Is Olivia gonna be there, too?" He asks this with such a casual lightness that Elliot can't help but answer right away.  
"Yeah. Liv's gonna, well..." He wonders how to phrase it for his son, the truth.

Dickie is more than old enough to understand, but he will never be so old that he will not be Elliot's child and his desire to protect his children will never fade.  
It is one thing attempting to explain his relationship with Olivia to his daughters, but something different to try to explain the reality of it to his son. Never having believed much in his own father, he has always been overly cautious when it comes to anything that might cause Dickie to feel disappointment in him. Kathy is his son's mother, after all, and Elliot feels far beyond grateful that all of his children maintain a deep loyalty to both of their parents.

Dickie grins as he motions with his hand, trying to get Elliot to spit out whatever he is trying to say. "Do I need to wear a tux?" He asks slyly.

"No," Elliot replies quickly.  
"Liv said no?" Dickie fires back, his green eyes are wide.

"No," Elliot answers, shaking his head.  
"She said yes?" His son prods again, interrupting before he can get a word in edgewise.  
"Dickie!" Elliot groans with a hint of an amused warning in his voice.  
"Sorry, Dad. Didn't mean to steal your thunder." His son laughs, stifling his grin against the rim of his glass.

"There's no thunder to steal," Elliot sighs, shaking his head with a laugh. "Yes, the answer's yes. Just know we're working out the logistics of it."  
Dickie leans back in his seat and stretches his arms behind his head. "Yeah, I understand. I always work out the logistics with the girls I date too," he teases laughingly.

"All right, that's it. Can I have the check please!" Elliot jokes, making Dickie laugh again.  
"That's good, Dad," his son says says, toning down his amusement. "Olivia's a good person."  
"She is." Elliot nods in agreement. "Your Mom and I talked and she knows, so we're all gonna work it out together. The logistics," he says again and Dickie's eyes are now full of understanding.

"Do the girls know?" He asks curiously and Elliot is struck by his son's care for and connection to his sisters.  
"Leen does, but she's the only one," he explains. This moment doesn't feel real, the fact that he is having this conversation with his son and it's as easy as talking about the weather or the results of last night's football game.

Dickie grins. "Liz is gonna freak out. Did she tell you she had a dream about it? You guys getting married? I told her she's nuts, but guess I was wrong," he says good-naturedly. Elliot grins because this is the second time in less than twenty-four hours that his children have asked him that question about their sister.

"Haven't had a chance yet," he replies, "But I will."  
Dickie pushes his plate away from the edge of the table and grins. "Yeah, the sooner the better. You know Leen won't last too long with that kinda news."

The waitress comes by with the check and Elliot takes it in his hand, studying the slip of paper without seeing the numbers. He is thinking about what his son just said, his phrasing of what this novel information is. _News.  
_  
The fact that Olivia is going to marry him is just that, news. For so long, he thought if it ever happened that it would have to be something secret and hidden. He knows that Olivia did too and that is part of the fear she has worked so hard to rid herself of since they've been together. He will never let Olivia feel as though she isn't worthy of all of the light in the world, all the transparency and truth that he can provide. It's not a secret anyone, in fact he doesn't think it ever was. It's a change and a chance and a step in the right direction for all of them.

After his son says goodbye, Elliot makes his way down the street toward where the truck is parked and waiting to take him home. He fishes in his jacket pocket for his keys and his hand feels fuller than usual. There are two sets, the set to his truck and the key ring that holds Olivia's apartment key. He says a silent prayer of thanks before he tucks her set back into his pocket and his fingers brush against something else in the process.

He pulls out a tiny white and green piece of paper, a spearmint gum wrapper, identical to the one she'd pressed into his palm on an afternoon at her desk a long time ago. The one he slipped into his pocket for safe keeping and carried it with him for months after he'd left the job, the city, her side.  
As if she knows that he carelessly ran the wrapper through the wash in the pocket of his jeans, as if she knows that he needs some tangible part of her to take with him, to hold onto to make the drive back home by himself one more time.


	30. Chapter 30

_Author's note: Thank you all so much for your kind messages and for hanging in here with me. There is no excuse_ _for my absence_ _other than busy-ness, but this story has never been far from my mind. I hope that this long finale will make up for my hiatus, even just a bit. This is the final chapter and though an epilogue will follow, this is the end. I can't ever say thank you enough and so I'll start now...thank you. Happy New Year!  
_

* * *

"Try it again, buddy," Elliot says encouragingly, keeping his voice low even as his son's raises in exasperation.  
"E-l-e-f-a-n-t," Eli spells out for the third time and Elliot can almost see Eli's little feet stomping emphatically on the rug as he speaks. Elliot holds the phone to his ear as he leans back in the porch chair. The sky is pink with dusk on this fifth evening of May and wind that teases at his sweatshirt is still tinged with the chill of early spring.

Heidi's tail hits his shin, once, twice, three times before he reaches down to tug the slobbery tennis ball out of her mouth and toss it back out into the yard. He laughs because they have been at this long distance spelling lesson for the last fifteen minutes and although his son has lost interest in his academics, his dog's desire to play fetch has not waned.

"Listen pal, I know it sounds like an f-sound but it's actually two letters that make the same sound when you put 'em together..." Elliot furrows his brow, hoping against hope that what he has just told Eli makes sense. He knows Olivia would be able to explain phonics a hell of a lot better than he can and he briefly toys with the thought of conferencing her in on this call with his son.

Heidi's wet nose skims the back of his hand and he looks down to grin at her in the moment before her ears prick and she tilts her head as though she hears something. Elliot listens for a moment before he does, too.

The phone, the land line, ringing from the kitchen.

He pulls himself out of the chair, stiff from the coolness of the dying daylight. "Eli, hang on one second, buddy. I'm gonna hang up and I'll call you right back. I gotta answer the phone," he explains as he moves across the deck and pulls the sliding glass door open. Heidi brushes against his legs as she squeezes in before him and dashes toward the living room with her tennis ball in tow.

"What are you talking 'bout, Dad? You're already on the phone with me!" Eli exclaims and Elliot laughs before he grasps the receiver.  
"Nothing gets past you, kid. Love you," he tells Eli before he disconnects the the call and lifts the land line to his ear. "Hello?"

"Elliot."

There are only a few sounds in the world that have the power to knock the wind out of him as quickly as this one can. His former commanding officer's voice, as familiar to him as his own, rings in his ear. "Capt," he rasps, his throat is already dry with dread. "What's going on? Is Liv-?"

 _"Elliot,"_ Cragen tries again, his voice softening with realization. "Olivia's fine. She's out with the guys grabbing a bite to eat," he explains, "Didn't mean to scare you."

Elliot exhales a breath that he didn't realize he was holding. "It's all right, Capt," he says, shaking his head as he leans against the kitchen counter. "What's goin' on?"

He hears the creak of Don's chair and he can almost see the way his former captain leans back from his desk in this rare lull of a moment  
"Next weekend," Cragen begins, "You're coming into the city, right?"

Elliot can feel a ghost of a grin tugging at his mouth because he has know this man long enough to be certain that there is more to the question that mere curiosity about his plans.

"Yeah, it's my daughter's graduation, Capt. Saturday at two. I can get you an invite to the party if you want," he finishes, attempting levity. He hears Cragen's huff of laughter through the phone.  
"I'll put it on my calendar," Don answers in amusement and Elliot grins in response. Don is quiet for a moment more and Elliot listens to the sound of footsteps against the linoleum and the soft click of the captain's office door closing.

"I have to tell you," Cragen starts again, "Friday is gonna be Olivia's last day."

"Last day where?" Elliot asks, sure he has misheard. Cragen's smile is evident in the sound of his voice when he speaks once more, "Last day on the job."

Elliot scrapes his hand against his jaw, trying to understand. "I thought...July. Liv told me-"

"Olivia doesn't know yet," Cragen cuts in, "I'm going to tell her when she gets back here tonight."

Elliot presses his hand to the countertop as his mind whirls with the implications of what Don has just told him.  
"You already have somebody to replace her," he starts in realization and he can hear Cragen's answer in the tone of his voice when he speaks again.

"Reason I'm asking you is because I have a favor to ask."

"Anything Capt," Elliot cuts in, finding his voice and nodding his head before he realizes that Cragen can't see him.

"I'd like for you to be here Friday night...for her." Elliot swallows the sudden tightness in his throat as he listens.  
"I know it's a lot to ask of you, Elliot," Cragen pauses, giving him an out as the implications of all that remain unspoken come barreling back. They both know that no matter how difficult it will be for him to return to the precinct, he will never deny Olivia anything. He knows that that is what Don is counting on as he finishes..."I don't want her to have to walk out of here alone."

"I'll be there, Capt," Elliot rasps, swallowing hard. "She won't be alone."

"Speaking of the devil," Don says, his tone changes as Elliot hears a soft rap against the office door and he knows that Olivia is on the other side. "I've got to talk to your girl, but let's keep this between us, all right? She doesn't like anybody fussing over her."

Elliot grins at Don's words because he knows this better than anyone. "Thanks Capt," he says quietly. "For everything."

* * *

On Friday morning he wakes later than he would have thought possible. He tries to turn over, but the double bed in Maureen's guest room is smaller than what he is used to and the warm weight of Heidi's head against his bare chest is keeping him still.

 _Still._

He closes his eyes for a moment more, recalling the conversation he'd had with Olivia just hours ago, while he drove North.

 _I can do this._ She repeated more than once before her voice lilted in the unspoken question _...Right?_

 _'Course, you can._ He'd reassured her each time. He would reassure her all night if that was what it took for her to feel stable enough to take this step. _  
_

She had called him a week ago, not long after he'd hung up with Cragen, and told him, through a mixture of laughter and tears, what he already knew.  
She is coming home. _Early._ He has kept his word to Don and Olivia doesn't know that he'll be there tonight with her, _for_ her.

Elliot takes a deep breath and Heidi stirs, shifting so that she can gaze up at him with her giant brown eyes.

"Hi babe," he whispers, grinning at her and smoothing his hand over her velvet fur. Kathleen had insisted that he bring Heidi up for her graduation. The ceremony is to be outside at a park and according to his daughter, she "knows enough of the right people" that she has managed to allow his dog to be an honorary member of the audience.

Heidi stands up and moves to stretch her legs, shaking off the sleep so that her floppy ears and morning drool fly everywhere. "Heidi!" He admonishes through his laughter as she forces him to sit up so that she can climb over his legs.

"You hungry, baby?" He asks, settling onto the side of the bed and reaching toward the white lace curtains on the window to look outside.

The sun is already high in the blue sky and a glance at the digital clock on the bed side table tells him that it's nearly noon. He laughs again and shakes his head because it is absurd that they slept so late, but he knows that they both needed the rest. He opens the bedroom door to let Heidi out into the hallway and he hears the clatter of her little feet as she bounds down the stairs toward the kitchen. He hears Maureen's delighted cry and knows his dog is in the best of hands. He grabs a shower and rummages through his duffel bag for a t-shirt and some jeans before he makes his own way downstairs.

"What do you think, pretty girl?" Elliot hears Maureen cooing to his dog as he rounds the corner into the kitchen, "Do you want to go for a walk?"

"Sure, I'll grab my sneakers," he replies and Maureen's head snaps up at the sound of his voice. "Hi Dad!" She laughs before he envelops her into a hug.

"Hi Sweetheart," he replies, pressing a kiss to her forehead. His daughter pulls back from his embrace to gaze up at him and her eyes match the color of her light sweatshirt. "What time did you get here last night?" She asks.

Elliot furrows his brow, trying to remember. "It was after midnight."

Maureen shakes her head and for a moment she wears an expression that makes her look extraordinarily like her mother. "I didn't even hear you come in," she says and Elliot nods, following her around the table. "That's a good thing. Didn't wanna wake you up."

"Are you hungry?" Maureen asks, passing him an apple from the bowl on the counter.  
"This will be fine," he says, tossing the apple into the air and catching it as Heidi dances around his legs, eager to get outside. "Let's go for a walk."

The neighborhood is small, but safe and Elliot breathes easily knowing that his daughter feels comfortable here. He watches her as she waves to an elderly gentleman across the street and they stop down the block when Heidi freezes in her tracks, tail wagging furiously, as she spots two children playing on a swing set. She refuses to continue her walk until she has greeted the kids and then they're off again.

Elliot watches his daughter, the way she laughs easily at Heidi, the way the warm breeze insists on playing with her ponytail, and the sunlight seems to tangle in her locks. By some miracle, his oldest child has the day off from work and she had enthusiastically jumped at the chance to spend this Friday with him.

His daughter tucks an errant strand of blonde behind her ear and then meets his gaze. "Today's the big day, huh?" She inquires softly. Elliot knows her question is rhetorical, but he nods nevertheless. "Yeah, it is. Tomorrow, too."

He hears Maureen take the softest breath before she speaks again. "This is an important weekend all around."

Elliot nods before he reaches for her and presses a kiss to her temple as he aligns his steps with hers. He lets her go and they walk quietly for a few minutes, the only sound is the jingling of Heidi's collar and the gentle scuff of their sneakers on the pavement.

"Todd and I are meeting Leen and Rob for dinner tonight," Maureen tells him. "I don't know what your plans are, but you and Liv are more than welcome to come with us."

Elliot feels a smile tug at the corner of his mouth. "Thanks baby," he says, gratefully. "I'm not sure how Liv is gonna be feeling later on, but I'll let you know." Maureen nods in understanding, "Absolutely."

His daughter is quiet for a moment before she speaks again. "Are you going to be okay tonight?" She asks and her question stops him in his tracks.  
Elliot lightly grasps Maureen's arm to make sure that she stops too. Heidi doubles back on her leash and gazes up at them curiously as if asking what could possibly be holding up her walk.

"What do you mean, hon?" He asks, watching her closely. Maureen takes a deep breath and when she looks back up at him she has to squint against the afternoon sun.  
"Are you going to be okay going back there? To the precinct, I mean. I know it's been a long - a long time and I just - I just didn't know if you wanted me to come with you. I don't want you to go in there alone."

Elliot exhales as he pulls his daughter to himself once more. This child, his oldest child who has grown into one of the most responsible women he has ever known, wants to take on the onus of caring of him. Her father.  
Elliot worries his bottom lip as he shakes his head and pulls back to meet Maureen's eyes. There is a wariness swimming in the blue of her irises and he wants to do everything he can to assure her, to give her solid ground to stand upon. He can see the years of anxiety that his time on the force has planted in his oldest daughter. Out of all of his children, Maureen has lived with the job the longest and she has the clearest memories of its unpredictable impact.

She eyes him then with a mixture of skepticism and concern. "I love Olivia and I don't begrudge her a thing..." She motions with her hand for emphasis as her eyes fill. "But the last time you were there," Maureen bites the inside of her cheek and shakes her head as though the motion will dislodge the memories from her mind. "The last time you were there you were hurting and I don't want that to happen again."

"Maureen," Elliot rasps his daughter's name as he holds onto her. "Look at me," he implores, bending to meet her watery gaze. His child gives a huff of a sigh and for a moment she reminds him of when she was small. He isn't sure exactly what he wants to say, what he wants to tell her except that he is a different person today than he was two years ago. He isn't raw and aching and lost. He is new and well and found. He hopes to God that she knows how much he has changed.  
"Hon," he tries again, swallowing against the silence. "It's not..." He pauses to find the words. "It's not the same thing, baby. I'm not-"

"I know," she says, waving his assurances away with her hand. "I know everything's changed, but you're still my Dad."  
Elliot can't help the grateful laugh that escapes him. "'Course, I am. Nothing's ever gonna change that, kid," he promises, winning Maureen's smile.

He draws a breath as she slips from his grasp and he follows her along the sidewalk. Despite her graceful understanding, his daughter is right - he is her father and as the lucky man in that role it is his job to reassure her.  
"Maur," he says her name and she stops a few steps ahead. "I'm not going back there the way I was, okay?"

His child nods and the movement causes her ponytail to brush the top of her shoulder.

"There anything I can do to get you to stop worrying 'bout me?" Elliot asks with a grin and Maureen gives him an impish smile. "Well," she starts casually, but Elliot knows his daughter too well to miss the way she is losing her battle with subtlety.

"Well what?" He asks, amused.  
"Well," Maureen says again with a carefully patient air, as though she is trying to explain something to Eli. "It might help if you got married."

His daughter's words stop him in his tracks for the second time in ten minutes. He can't help the gentle laughter that comes.  
"You gonna stop worrying, then?" He asks and Maureen rolls her eyes at him playfully. "It will help," she replies sincerely and all at once he knows that she is right.

* * *

Elliot wipes his palms on his jean-clad thighs as he sits in the driver's seat of his truck.

How he has managed to find a parking spot that can accommodate the truck is beyond him. He has purposefully parked a few blocks from the precinct so that he will have to walk. A little less than a week ago, he made a pact with himself that he wouldn't try to find a closer place to park the truck. It would be impossible to simply pull up near the entrance and watch hundreds of people move in and out of the building before he could gather the guts to walk through those doors.

No, he has done the right thing. The walk will do him good. He had dismissed both of his daughters' offers to accompany him here tonight. He isn't sure that there is a way to explain why, but as certain as he is that he has done the right thing in coming back for Olivia, he is just as certain that this walk is one that he has to take on his own.

He steps out of the truck and slips his keys into his jacket pocket as he moves toward the sidewalk. The traffic is heavy this Friday night and as he dropped Maureen and her boyfriend off at Kathleen's place twenty minutes ago, he found himself marveling at the cacophony of sounds that play on the streets of the city.  
Somehow he has forgotten about the noise that he thought would resound inside of him for as long as he lived.

It is just after six o'clock, but the days are getting longer and the sky is fading from blue to pink and orange as the early May evening settles around him. He passes a young family on the sidewalk, the baby riding in a stroller. He grins at a giant mastiff half-heartedly tugging at his leash as his owner attempts to pay a street vendor for some ice cream.

His shoes scuff along the pavement as he follows a route that he knows like the back of his hand. There is a shortcut across an alleyway up ahead, but he won't take it.

Tonight he will go the long way around.

He isn't far from the precinct and he wonders about how he will feel when he steps inside, who he will be in that moment. He hasn't returned since the day he left, the day he placed his badge on Cragen's desk and walked away.

He hadn't been able to see anything past the job. There hadn't been a vision for the future because he'd left behind the only future that he wanted. Olivia had stayed and he had gone. He couldn't see anything past their separation, past the searing loss of her beside him, the fatal shot that he took.  
 _  
Jenna_

Elliot shakes his head. He won't let himself go there. He knows the dangers of letting his mind wander back to those irrevocable moments that he had wallowed in for so long.

He knows better now. Somehow, by the grace of God, he knows better.

He may never understand why it all had to play out the way that it did, but somehow it has lead him here. It had been necessary for him to go and he knows that leaving has taught both he and Olivia more than staying by her side ever could have.  
He hopes it has taught his children something, too. He prays that they have learned through his mistakes, his successes. He prays they know that he is now the man that he has always wanted to be for them, as their father. He hopes that they know, more than anything else, that he loves them. He has learned that is all that truly matters.

He is closer now. The entrance is just up ahead. He has a fleeting thought to wonder whether or not he will be allowed into the building where he worked for so many years. He takes a deep breath before he presses on the door and steps into the lobby. He almost has the urge to laugh because he needn't have worried. The reception desk is vacant and he has spent the last few minutes trying to figure out how he is going to explain his presence. The lobby is empty save for two uniformed officers who are deep in conversation. He nods to them both before he walks toward the elevator and presses the arrow that will take him upstairs.

Elliot steps into the elevator and as the doors close behind him, he taps the button of the floor he needs. He doesn't look around, keeping his gaze forward, the direction in which he is going.

He is moving now between floors and the motion reminds him to draw a breath. Elliot shakes his head in quiet exasperation at himself. He wonders if he was this nervous the very first time that he took this ride. He slips his right hand into the pocket of his jeans and his fingers touch the worn spearmint gum wrapper he keeps there and it calms him. _Olivia_.

He is nearly there.

The elevator doors open and Elliot blinks into the hallway. He wills himself forward and as he steps out into the corridor that leads to the squad room, he hears the soft chatter of voices, the ringing of a phone. He glances at a woman who is standing against the wall. She has her cell phone pressed between her shoulder and her ear and she is balancing a file folder on her knee as she tries to take down a message.

"Yes, thank you," she says into her phone as she shifts her hand and the paper contents of the folder spill out onto the floor.

"Oh gosh," she says hurriedly. "I have to go, I-" Elliot hastens his walk and catches her eye as he mimes helping her to clean up. The woman's hazel eyes widen for a moment before she nods gratefully. _Thank you,_ she mouths and Elliot shakes his head.

"Don't worry," he says quietly before stooping to the ground.

He tries not to look at the papers spread across the tile, but their format is so familiar to him that he could fill them out in his sleep. He chances another glance up at the woman and he fleetingly wonders if she is a cop. She wears black slacks and matching boots with a emerald blouse and a blazer that is just a tad too large for her slight frame. She has a name badge clipped to her lapel which feeds Elliot's instinct that this young lady is new. She finishes her call and kneels down across from him in the hallway.

"Thank you so much," she says, sliding her hand across the floor and reaching for a document near his knee. "I'm so sorry. This is embarrassing." Her fair skin takes on a blush so that her cheeks nearly match her ginger bob.

"Don't worry," Elliot repeats. "Could've happen to anybody." He straightens the collection of pages that he holds before he slips them into her hands.  
"Thank you so much," she says again as they both straighten up and she tucks the documents safely back into the folder she holds in the crook of her arm.

Up close, Elliot can tell that she is no more than thirty. She is petite and her smattering of freckles only serves to make her look younger.  
"If I may sir, you're Detective Stabler," she says softly. It isn't a question and for some reason in this moment, Elliot isn't surprised that she knows of him.  
"I've seen your picture on Detective Benson's desk," she explains with a tilt of her head. "It's an honor to meet you, sir."

Elliot furrows his brow. "Please call me Elliot," he tells her, but the woman shakes her head.

"I'm Bridget," she says, shifting the folder in her arms and holding out her hand with a bright smile that reminds him of Elizabeth. As Elliot shakes her hand he catches a glimpse of her name badge and reads at the same time that she clarifies..."Detective Bridget Nolan," she corrects herself sheepishly.

"Are you new?" Elliot asks thoughtfully and Bridget shifts on her feet.

"Compared to you and Detective Benson, yes," she says with a nod. "I've been here since January, so just a few months. I was in homicide, but I needed a change so I jumped at the chance to come. I've been learning and trying to help in any way I could while Detective Benson..." Bridget's draws a breath before continuing..."while she was recovering. I thought I was only going to be here for a little while."

She bites down on her lip and shakes her head before she speaks again.

"I've seen all the good this unit can do, but I never thought Captain Cragen would offer me a position here." She gazes up at him with her large hazel eyes and Elliot has the sudden wild urge to hug her.

All at once he understands.

Listening to her speak, the realization has hit him - this young woman... _this_ young woman is taking Olivia's place.

"You're replacing Liv," he says, his voice rasping against his throat. Bridget gives a small smile.  
"I don't think anyone could _ever_ replace Detective Benson," she says earnestly. "I have more respect for that woman than I can tell you. For both of you. I've done my research," She explains with a thoughtful smile.

Elliot swallows heavily, but before he can open his mouth, Bridget is speaking again.

"Being a part of this department has always been a goal of mine. When my mom was a little girl, she was-" Bridget gives an involuntary shudder and Elliot reaches out to grasp her upper arm because he knows what is coming. He has seen it time and time again.

"She was...she was molested and I didn't know about it until I was in college. She never let on. She never told my brothers and I." Bridget shakes her head at what Elliot can only assume is the silently incomprehensible. "Once I found out, I just knew that I had to do _something, someday_ to try and...and..." She looks up at him imploringly.

"Help," Elliot finishes gently because he understands. Bridget nods, sinking in her stance just slightly and she appears more at ease in front of him.

"How old are you, Bridget?" He asks, before he can help himself. He is treating this girl like one of his daughters, but he feels a protective kind of pull towards her and he knows why. This young lady is taking Olivia's place. She is stepping into the role that he walked for more than a decade. She is eager, beautiful, smart, and Elliot can already tell that she has the compassion of fifteen people combined. Bridget will slip into Olivia's shoes and in her own way, Elliot feels certain that she will fill them.

She laughs softly in self-deprecation and tucks a ginger lock behind her ear. "I'm thirty-one," she tells him with an air that she already knows what he is going to say next. "My Dad is an officer in Harrisburg. My two older brothers are in the Coast Guard, so I guess this kind of runs in the family." She smiles proudly. "I know I look really, really young and I'm still learning, but-"

This young woman suddenly feels the need to rationalize herself and her presence here to him and that is the last thing that he wants from her.

"Bridget," he says her name and she stops speaking immediately. "Don't ever feel like you have to justify yourself to anybody, okay? You belong here."

She gives a sweet watery laugh of appreciation before she wipes at her cheeks with her palm. "Oliv- Detective Benson has taught me so much, but I know I'm going to learn most of it from my own experiences. I just...sometimes I wonder if I can really do this job well. I want to be good at this so desperately, but it's _tough,"_ she says, emphasizing the last word.

Elliot squeezes her arm with his hand. "It _is_ tough, but so are you," he replies sincerely. Bridget nods, bowing her head.  
"Bridget," Elliot starts gently. "I've got daughters. Three of 'em." He wants to convey information to her that will only make sense if she understands that it comes from someone who has lived through much of what she is about to undertake.

Elliot meets her wide hazel gaze again as she nods and he takes it as a sign to continue. "And I'm gonna tell you the same things I'd tell them if they were doin' your job, all right?"

"Yes please," she says gratefully.

Elliot scrubs his hand against his cheek and nods as he takes a breath, because this is something he knows that he can do. He can draw on what he has learned from his own children, what he has learned from Olivia, and what he has learned about himself.

Elliot worries his bottom lip for a moment as he wonders where to start, how to phrase things, how to pack the next few minutes with more than a decade of advice. He settles on the same openness and honesty he would use with his own girls. He knows that he won't be able to tell Bridget everything and she is right that he has to let her go and allow her to learn from her own experiences. But damn it, if he isn't going to try to help her along the way.

"First thing I need you to understand," he starts, before clearing his throat. "I'm not telling you any of this to scare you, but 'cause you need to know." Bridget nods emphatically and for an instant she reminds him of Eli.

"This job. It's not easy, Bridget. 'Specially for a woman." Elliot swallows hard and shakes his head. "I'm sure Liv could tell you-"  
"She has," Bridget interjects, assuring him that she understands where he is going.

Elliot nods and takes a deep breath before he starts again. "Point is, you're gonna see things, hear 'bout things that nobody should ever have to. You're gonna need help to be able to compartmentalize all of this. You're gonna need to rely on a lot of other people around you to do this job. Let 'em help you. Your partner, your co-workers, Captain Cragen, a pastor, a counselor, a doctor, anybody. You can't do this job alone. You can't. You've gotta surround yourself with good and tough people inside and outside of this place. You've gotta do what's best for you and you gotta take care of yourself. You can't help anybody if you're runnin' on empty, understand?"

"Yes," She replies, listening with rapt attention.

"Don't be 'fraid to ask questions and don't be scared of the answers, either. Trust your gut, your instincts. They're right a good percent of the time."  
Bridget smiles and Elliot feels a grin tugging at his own mouth. He thinks of Olivia all those years ago and how she would smile when one of her hunches came to fruition. This young woman reminds him, she reminds him of Olivia - how she was at the start.

"Everybody starts at the beginning, Bridget. Don't beat yourself up for not knowing or understanding something the first, or the second, or the third time. Don't let anybody tell you otherwise, either."

Elliot pauses momentarily, trying to figure out what else he needs to convey.

Bridget stands silent and patient and so much Olivia that it makes him want to shake his head in amazement. Just like he and Olivia, Elliot knows that Bridget will carry things with her, pieces and parts, stories and tears, lies and truths, defeats and victories. This young lady may by just like Olivia, but she will be different in one positive way. She will have a support system in he and Olivia - _this_ he is sure of.

"I want you to promise me something, Bridget," Elliot says, choosing his words carefully because this may be the most important thing that he says to her tonight.  
"Anything sir," she says, emphasizing with her hands. Elliot wants to smile at her formality, but more than that he has to tell her, to make sure she understands.

"Three years. Promise me you won't stay a day longer?"

Bridget furrows her brow and Elliot continues.

"Three years from now Liv and I are gonna show up here and we don't want to see you, okay? I wanna hear that you found a guy who treats you like gold, and you bought a house upstate, and a rescued a couple dogs and you're _living._ This job takes a lot of lives, literally and figuratively, and you gotta make sure that yours isn't one of 'em. You have to _live._ D'you understand?"

Bridget lets out a shaky breath and her full light eyes spill over. "Can I hug you?" She asks with a tender laugh.

"'Course," Elliot replies, pulling her into his arms. He holds Bridget for a moment before she pulls back and tries to wipe her wet cheeks with her fingers. Elliot reaches into the pocket of his jacket for a tissue and offers it to her.

"You're gonna be great," he assures her and he watches as Bridget takes a deep breath. Though he has only known her for a few minutes, he thinks she looks lighter, as though talking with him has lifted a load from her slight shoulders which never belonged there in the first place.

"Thank you so much," Bridget breathes as she wipes her eyes. "You don't know what this means to me..."

Elliot shakes his head. He wants to tell her that she has it backwards and it is _he_ who should be thanking _her._

Sometime in the span of the last fifteen minutes of his life he has reached an unexpected brand of closure that he knows could only come from a miraculously full-circle sort of moment like this.

"Thank you," he whispers, his voice is rough with emotion, but Bridget seems to understand. She smiles up at him.  
"I owe you a congratulations, too," she says, her eyes brightening. "Detective Benson is over the moon. You've made her so happy."

Elliot grins in surprise because if Bridget knows then that means that Olivia is telling people. The love of his life is telling people the she is going to marry him and he wants to laugh, and cry, and pray, and thank his lucky stars all at the same time.

"Thank you, Bridget," he says again.

Before she moves to walk away, Elliot motions for the pen that she has attached to her file folder. "Let me give you my number," he says, taking the pen and a blank sheet of paper from Bridget's hand. "You call me with anything," Elliot tells her. "Anything you need. Anytime."

"That's exactly what Olivia told me, too," she says with a grateful smile. She folds the paper neatly and slips it into the pocket of her blazer. "Thank you, again." She extends her hand and Elliot shakes it, using his free hand to touch her arm. This girl is full of hope and light and heart and she is going to be just fine. She is going to succeed and she is going to care for herself and for others.

He and Olivia will make sure of it.

"Go get 'em, kid," he tells her, pulling her close once more and hugging her briefly.  
"Thank you," Bridget whispers again, shifting her folder against her arm and stepping toward the elevator. Elliot watches her walk for an instant before he remembers something, something important, something that he needs her to know.

"Bridget," he calls her name down the hall and she turns at the sound, tucking her hair behind her ear. Even from a distance, Elliot can see her light eyes are curious and intent upon listening. "Yes sir," she says.

"Don't ever let anybody tell you there's no crying in baseball, okay?"

Elliot watches Bridget's smile unfurl and her hazel gaze widen as she takes in a meaning that goes above and beyond sports and instead transfers to life.

She nods her head in understanding and gives a soft laugh. "Thank you, Detective Stabler," she replies and with a wave of her hand, she steps into the opening elevator doors and disappears from view.

Elliot takes one breath and then another. The last few minutes have changed him, altered the way that he anticipated this night to go and that thought alone makes him smile because nothing that has gone on in his life has been predictable.

He slips his hands into the pockets of his jacket as he makes his way around the corner toward the squad room.

The first thing that strikes him is the smell, the floors, the desks, piles of papers - that has not changed a moment. The large room is different and yet somehow strangely the same. There are far more desks now then when he left and so he is sure there are more individuals working in this unit. There are three cops he doesn't recognize who are scattered throughout the room, working on their computers or on their phones, but Elliot figures that most of them are out grabbing dinner or are on their way back home for the weekend.

His feet have instinctively carried him to where his desk used to sit, but the space is empty, the desks have been moved a few feet to his left. He stands behind what used to be his chair. He doesn't touch it, doesn't rest his hands on the back of it. It no longer belongs to him after all.

He glances to his right and he can't help the way his gaze follows an invisible trail to a spot on the tile floor that would seem innocuous enough to the average passerby. He knows better, but wishes that he did not.

Elliot shakes his head, trying to clear it before he gives in to the tug of memories that pull him some twenty feet to his right. He swallows hard as he walks some ten paces toward the spot. He isn't sure what he expects to find, but he knows that he has to see it for himself. There isn't anything there, no mar in the tile, no monument resurrected in memory of a day full of endings. There is now a desk that sits four inches to the left.

Day after day, someone works right here. Someone who doesn't have a clue what happened inches from where they go about their job. They don't know that a handful of lives ended that day on this very floor, his almost included, hers too.

 _Olivia._

Elliot takes a breath and mentally shakes himself once more. It's past. It's _past._ It's all gone. He thinks it's fitting that most of the people who work in this department don't know what happened that day.

They shouldn't have to.

He knows now that no one should have to carry that kind of baggage and he is _trying,_ he is trying to let it go. Even standing here in this moment, there is a strangely precarious sort of closure in letting himself simply _be. Here. Now._

The soft sound of dress shoes against the tile brings him back and Cragen's hand is gentle against his arm.  
"Elliot," he says softly, but with an unmistakable authority that clearly says Don doesn't want him to dwell on the past. Elliot swallows again before he looks into the face of his former commanding officer.

"Hey Capt," he says quietly, extending his hand and Cragen shakes it before he nods toward his office.

Elliot slips his hands into his pockets as he follows Cragen inside. There is new furniture inside the captain's office, furniture that wasn't there the last time he stood in this room.

"This is nice, Capt," Elliot comments, nodding toward the small couch. "Looks like you're moving up in the world."  
Cragen grins before he motions for Elliot to sit down. "Only took them twenty years to get me some decent furniture for this place."  
Elliot grins as he settles on the couch and Don does the same in his chair.

"Can I get you anything?" Don asks and Elliot shakes his head.  
"I'm good, Capt," he replies and Cragen nods as though he knows that those words hold true for more than Elliot's temporary well-being.

"Thanks for coming," Cragen says and Elliot swallows the sudden tightness in his throat. "I know this isn't easy for you," he continues, "Being back here."

Elliot leans back against the couch and presses his palms against his denim-clad thighs. "It's all right," he says and he hopes to God that Don knows that he means it. Though Don had requested his presence here tonight for Olivia, Elliot wonders if he knows that being here has helped him, too.

"Think it was a good thing to come," Elliot rumbles, examining the pattern of the rug in front of him on the floor. "Thanks for giving me the call."

They sit in silence for a few moments before Elliot speaks again. He nods his head toward the hallway behind him. "I met Bridget on my way in."  
Don nods and Elliot wonders whether this man somehow knows everything that goes on in this precinct.

"She's something, isn't she?" Don asks. "Top of her class at the academy, excellent case-closure rate from her time in homicide. She was an asset there and she'll be the same here. She's a good fit. We're lucky to have her."

Elliot furrows his brow as he meets Don's gaze. He can tell there is something else, something more to the story regarding the sheer luck of Bridget ending up in the unit. The speed at which the transfer has taken place is unprecedented and it leads Elliot to believe..."You've been lookin' to bring her on for a while, haven't you?" He asks, the pieces slowly falling into place.

Cragen nods. "Since early December."

"Early December," Elliot repeats, "But Olivia didn't give you her notice till-?" He stops speaking then, because all at once he knows that his hunch has been right. Cragen _does_ know about everything that goes on around here, good or bad, in one way or another.

"I knew Olivia was almost ready to go. I just had to wait for her to tell me."

Elliot bows his head. "You knew better than I did," he says, his voice low. "Never thought-"  
"Yes, you did," Don says, interrupting and correcting him all at once.  
Elliot shrugs. "Sure, I hoped but..."

"And that was enough. You having hope passed it onto her and she made a decision, albeit many years in the making, but better late then never, huh?"

Elliot nods slowly because Don is right. He has kept hope inside and Olivia has come to this conclusion on her own. Her leaving will be so different from his own. He left without a choice and she will leave with a graceful maturity. Tonight, this night is as important as any other night that he has ever lived beside her.

When he meets Cragen's eye, Don is smiling ever so slightly. "Guess I owe you congratulations," he says and Elliot gives a soft laugh.

"She hasn't even let me propose to her yet and apparently she's telling everybody."

Don's grin widens as he leans back in his chair. His chuckle is satisfied and Elliot has the distinct impression that the man in front of him had known all along that this would be the outcome for he and Olivia. Somehow, Don has always known.

"I'll be there, you know," Cragen says and Elliot meets his steady gaze.  
"Where?" Elliot asks, nonplussed before the explanation comes.

"Olivia asked me," Don starts before he pauses to clear his throat. Elliot watches the older man's eyes well ever so slightly and he wonders if, in all the time he has known Don Cragen, if he has ever seen him cry. He doesn't think that he has and so whatever Don has to tell say, Elliot knows that he has to listen closely.

"She asked me if I'd give her away."

Elliot exhales and his gaze finds the now familiar pattern of the carpet once more. Not for the first time tonight, he wants to laugh and cry all at once.

It's so fitting, so right for their past, their present, and their future to have Don be the one to walk her down the aisle. God, how he loves her.

Elliot bites down hard on his bottom lip before he meets the Captain's eye. "Guess I should be congratulating you then, too," he says, making Don smile as he checks his watch.

"Liv went out to grab a celebratory drink with the guys. They should be back any minute," Cragen explains, standing and moving around the desk to shake Elliot's hand once more. He stands too and all at once the unmistakable sound of her footsteps fill the squad room. Elliot turns and the blinds are drawn just enough that he can see her, but not the other way around.

 _Olivia.  
_  
Don claps him on the shoulder before he moves back toward his desk and settles himself into his chair with a file in his hands.

Everyone has left for the moment and the guys must have said their goodbyes downstairs. Elliot is infinitely grateful because it will make what he knows will take every ounce of Olivia's formidable self-control easier. She won't have an audience for these last few minutes.  
It's just her in the empty squad room and the rarity of this kind of quiet in this space does not escape Elliot. He says silent _thank you's_ to God and to whoever else may be listening for the sanctity of this moment that she is being given now.

The overhead lights are off now and the squad room is lit by the soft glow of the lamp on Olivia's desk. Olivia's dark locks are tied up in a ponytail and the blue blouse she wears looks almost black in the dimness of the light. She glances around the empty room as she makes her way toward her desk.

She has her blazer flung over her forearm and Elliot watches as she smiles to herself and brushes her bangs away from her eyes before she reaches for an envelope on her desk. Olivia must read something on the front of the envelope that amuses her, because she gives the softest laugh before she shakes her head and places the envelope into a cardboard box on the side of her desk.

She is beautiful. Even after a long day, even after the lifetime they have already lived together and apart, Elliot thinks she is stunning.

Olivia checks her watch as she draws one breath and then another. She lets her shoulders fall in half of a shrug, as though she isn't sure exactly what she is still doing standing in this room where she will soon belong no more.

Elliot leans against the frame of Cragen's open door. He wants to tell her to take her time and that she _has_ time. All the time in the world, but Olivia doesn't seem to need it. She pulls the cardboard box across the surface of her desk and the glow from her lamp falls across her left hand, the light catching the delicate diamond resting on her ring finger.

Elliot swallows the immediate tightness in his throat and forces himself to inhale because once again, she has made him forget how to breathe. Olivia is wearing it, the ring, she-

She must sense the gaze of his full eyes because all at once she looks up.

Brown meet blue from across the floor one last time and Olivia gives the softest sob of surprise before she sinks into her chair and presses her hand to her lips.

Elliot wills himself to walk, not to run, the ten paces to her side. Olivia is shaking her head now. Her dark eyes framed by her perfect lashes are wet, but behind her tears, her eyes are full of another emotion entirely...hope.

"What are you...? How did you...?" She is nearly speechless, half laughing, and half crying and Elliot can't help that she is making him do the same.

"Hi," he whispers, taking her proffered left hand as she reaches for him. He holds her hand with both of his before he presses her palm to his chest.  
"Capt called," Elliot replies simply, by way of an explanation. Olivia tilts her head toward Don's office, but doesn't take her eyes off of him.

"I love you," Elliot rasps and Olivia's full eyes spill over again. "I love _you,"_ she whispers in reply and Elliot wants to laugh because her earnestness makes her sound like Eli.

He touches her cheek, gently wiping her tears away with his thumb. She leans against him then, her soft cheek against his palm and Elliot can tell from this alone, her warm weight against his lifetime, that she is set to go.

Olivia nods in response to that wordless communication they always had and Elliot takes both of her hands in his as she stands.  
"Hi," she whispers, slipping into his open arms as he pulls her close. Elliot presses his mouth to her temple, her hair tangles against his lips as he kisses her there.

"I'm ready," she sighs into his shoulder, telling him what he somehow already understands. "I couldn't have done this without you." Her breath is warm against his neck and her lashes are wet.

Elliot moves her ever so gently, holding onto her waist and taking her left hand in his right.  
"Yes, you could've," he tells her with all the certainty in the world. He is sure of this, absolutely positive.

Olivia tilts her head as she looks up at him and smiles ever so slightly. "You're crazy, Stabler," she says, shaking her head.

"Crazy 'bout you," he replies and then she laughs and the sound is bright and pealing and it makes him grin. Elliot traces her fingers of her left hand with his own. Her engagement ring glimmers in the dim light.

"You gettin' married?" He asks, trying to keep his tone light, but losing the battle to the tightness in his throat. Olivia's eyes are dark and full when she meets his gaze again. She bites down on her bottom lip to keep herself from smiling, but she seemingly can't contain her joy.

"Yes," she whispers simply and Elliot knows he has been waiting for the sound of her _yes_ for much longer than a few months or a few years. He thinks that somehow he has been waiting for her his whole life.

He kisses her then, once, twice, he wants to go for three, but neither one of them can stop smiling. She squeezes his hand then before she moves past him and walks toward Cragen's office. Olivia taps lightly on the door as though Don hasn't known that it's just the two of them out here.

Elliot doesn't follow. He wants to give her time with Don, privacy for her last few minutes as a member of his unit. He glances at the cardboard box on her desk before him. It is full of cards and letters, some of them still tucked into their envelopes, some of them lying open. Elliot doesn't have to read them because he knows what they contain.

Congratulations and gratitude from many, many people on the closing of a chapter of Olivia's life and the beginning of something that is simultaneously brand new and as old as time itself.

Elliot looks up at the sound of Olivia's quiet tears. She and Don stand in the doorway and she hugs him tightly before letting go.

"Don't you kids have anywhere better to be?" Don asks mildly, choking back his own emotion as Olivia moves toward Elliot again. She finds his hand with her own and tugs him gently toward the door. Elliot takes the cardboard box under his arm and shifts it to shake Don's hand once more.

He tries to infuse more than a decade of gratefulness and respect into this final exchange _here_ where they all came together so many years ago. He wants to thank Don for everything, for protecting them, sticking up for them, for keeping Olivia safe when he couldn't. He wants to thank Don for trusting them unfailingly over the years even when they gave him little reason to. He wants to thank Don for Olivia because without him, she would never have become his partner, his best friend, in the first place.

Neither one of them have ever been great with words and somehow by the grace of God, Elliot thinks that their captain understands.

"Keep me posted," Don says, nodding to Olivia. "Let me know what you want me to wear to your wedding."  
Olivia gives a watery laugh at Elliot's side as she leans against him.

"Thank you," she says softly and Don waves them both away as his phone rings from inside his office and he turns to answer it.

"Ready?" Olivia inquires quietly, squeezing Elliot's hand again. Her sooty lashes are still wet with tears when she looks up at him.  
He nods reassuringly.  
"You?" He asks. He wants to wait for her to say the words. He'll wait all night if he has to.

Olivia takes a breath and steps close to kiss his cheek. "Let's go," she replies.

Elliot shifts the cardboard box under his arm once more as she tugs his hand and they move together. Their steps in sync, their fingers intertwined.  
Elliot glances at Olivia as they walk. He has a million questions for her. He wants to know if she is hungry, if she is tired...he thinks he might finally be able to ask her to marry him tonight, to get down on his knees and ask her properly and he thinks she might just say yes.

Olivia smiles when she catches him watching her and she makes him smile, too. They step outside the precinct into the cool night air, the place they entered into so many years ago as strangers and tonight they walk out as everything.

Elliot holds Olivia's hand, his choice and hers, partners for life, his love, his-

"Are you going to ask me tonight?" Olivia inquires, her dark eyes wide and happy, the light breeze tangling in her ponytail.

Elliot grins, pulling her hand to his mouth and kissing her there. "Was planning on it," he drawls truthfully. "That okay with you?"

Olivia laughs sweetly, brushing escaped strands of her hair behind her ear. "Sounds good to me," she answers, her smile is brighter than all the lights of Manhattan.

They walk on, her hand in his, with the miracle of the rest of their lives before them and the whole world at their feet.


	31. Chapter 31

_Author's Note: I hope that you'll indulge me for just a moment while I say thank you. This story means a lot to me. It started out with a flash of a single scene in my head, a singular moment scribbled down on a napkin, and then hastily typed into a one page document that sat unopened for years. To think that this little story with paper napkin origins now has a life of its own is nothing short of miraculous. I am so grateful to every single person who has written to me and who has read this story. I can't tell you how appreciative I am of you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart and now we close._

 _The great Tom Selleck once said that in storytelling we suspend our disbelief for the sake of the story itself._

 _That is what I ask of you now._

* * *

It's just after eight o'clock when he wakes, not for the first time, but for the third.

He tilts his head to the left where he knows Olivia is buried deep beneath their comforter. He can see the wave of her dark hair fanned across the pillow case. Her left hand, bearing the wedding band to match his own, peeks out from beneath the blanket. Her breathing is steady and even in her slumber and he prays she will stay asleep for as long as she can.

God knows that she needs it.

He climbs out of bed as quietly as possible and throws an old t-shirt on over his worn blue jeans before maneuvering around the suitcases and dog beds on the floor. Heidi's gaze tracks him as he moves and her tail beats softly against the floor before she rises to greet him.  
"Morning baby girl," he says quietly, hunching down to the floor in front of her and smoothing his palm over her head before he shakes his own.

"I'll be right back, baby. Stay with Mom," he whispers.

Heidi cocks her head toward their bed where she must know that Olivia still sleeps and Elliot swears for the millionth time that this dog understands absolutely _everything_ that he says. She turns around and settles back into her own bed. Elliot reaches across the dresser for his phone and he slips it into his pocket, just in case.

The rest of the house is still quiet so he knows that Heidi's other half must not be awake just yet. He moves down the stairs careful to skip the creaky fourth step before he reaches the living room. In the growing light of the early morning, he can see that Riley has made herself comfortable. She stirs at the sound of his footsteps and blinks up at him with her large brown eyes before giving a whine of a yawn and snuggling back against the cushion.

Elliot grins at her and offers her his hand before he reaches to touch her. "Good girl," he tells her earnestly because he is proud of her.  
Not six months ago, this second dog of theirs was a stray, timid, skinny mutt from who knows where and now...now she is on the couch.

"I'm going outside."

It's an open invitation and he wants her to make the decision as to whether or not she wants to come on her own. He moves through the slowly lightening kitchen and out into the mudroom before he hears the soft padding of her feet behind him.  
"Hi," Elliot smiles down at her. Riley's ginger tail wags against his knee and as he bends to fix one floppy inside-out ear, she covers his hand in slobbery kisses.

She makes him laugh and before he can press a kiss to her soft head she is on the move again, slipping past him and waiting patiently beside the door that leads to the garage. He opens the door and then together they are moving out into the warmth of the early August morning.

Despite the hour, the day is already drenched in sunlight.

The tall grass is slowly losing its dark green pigment and the breeze that skitters through it seems to follow Riley as she bounds back toward him. He grins at her as he takes a breath and runs his hand over the top of her soft head before she is going once more. Moving just a few steps ahead of him, she sniffs out a trail left by an animal the night before. She circles around him, glancing up every few moments to check on him. She is like Heidi in so many ways and over the last few months the two have become nearly inseparable.

The two of them are different in a few unusual ways, however. Heidi always sleeps with them upstairs and Riley prefers her own space on the first floor. It was his wife who first put the pieces together and realized something crucial about Riley's previous life.

The dog never barks, she was skittish around the staircase as though she had never climbed one, and her very first night at home when Heidi jumped up onto the couch, Riley had watched her in awe from her seat on the floor.

"You wanna get up there?" Elliot had asked her gently before patting the cushion beside Heidi and offering to lift Riley up. "I don't think she's ever been allowed on the couch," he had commented musingly.

Olivia had grasped his arm then, shaking her head. When he had turned to look at her, her dark eyes full of emotion.  
"I don't think it's that, El. I don't think she's ever been allowed _in_ the house before. I think this is all new to her."

Elliot had taken a step back then and let Olivia take the lead, giving Riley the space she needed, the option to join in without overwhelming her with what was so new in that moment. Slowly but surely, Riley has come around. Watching Heidi closely and copying everything she does step for step. Riley is remarkably resilient for a dog with a rootless past, then again it is the present that has always mattered far more than what came before it.

Now Riley frolics in front of him, moving through the grass, but never failing to double back to make sure that he is following; that he is _there.  
_

If Heidi is wholeheartedly his, then he knows that this dog is entirely Olivia's.

Elliot slips his cell phone out of his pocket to check it. He has the volume turned up to an unholy level and the vibration turned on so he knows that he hasn't missed a call, but he has to check.

Just in case.

 _Any day now._ That's what their representative at the adoption agency told them on Monday, and on Wednesday, and yesterday, Friday. Today is Saturday.

 _Any day now._ Any day now and they'll have a baby.

They'll be packing up the car and heading down to South Carolina. Anderson. The North Western corner of the state. Below Greeneville, but above the Savannah River.

Anderson, South Carolina. Where their baby will be born.

Olivia. They have known about the possibility of this baby for the last three months and what started out, more than a decade ago if he is honest, as an intangible dream has gradually become a nearly palpable reality.

Nearly. Almost. _Any day now._

They've been quiet about the whole thing. With Meg and Cody being the only people outside of their immediate family who know.

Olivia had been adamant that they not do _too_ much in preparation. Elliot knows that the adoption she was denied all those years ago still haunts her and he has respected his wife's wishes as best he can, but what Olivia doesn't know won't hurt her.

What Olivia doesn't know is that he is in cahoots with Meg and Cody and they have brought over a truck-load of boxes of diapers, baby wipes, and supplies and he has kept them out here in the storage room in the barn.

Everything is here. Ready. Just in case.

That's why he was so surprised three weeks ago when Olivia told him that she thought it would be okay to start to get ready. Not to go overboard, but to _start._ He hasn't been able to stop grinning and his desire to make the perfectly tentative smile on his wife's lips resolutely permanent has never been stronger.

They bought a crib and last night he spent three and a half hours behind the closed door of the baby's room trying to figure out how to put it together. It wasn't until a quarter to eleven when he was flat on his back beneath the frame of the crib, searching for one final hole to place a missing screw, and muttering every last colorful curse he could think of, that he heard her. His wife. Laughing.

Olivia had been propped against the door frame for Heaven knows how long.

She had shaken her head and bitten down hard on her full bottom lip to keep her smile at bay, but failed miserably. "Do you need any help?" She had asked, her voice quaking with amusement enough to make him drop his head back against the carpet and laugh, too.

"It's late, Liv..." he had answered, letting her take his hand and help him into a sitting position. "Want you to get some sleep."  
Olivia had tilted her head and gazed at him seriously. When he looked at her, he saw her eyes were full of something that looked a lot like hope.

"I want to help," she had said with a sureness that made him smile and give in, not that he has ever been able to deny her anything.

"Now where are the instructions?" Olivia had asked, glancing around the packaging strewn floor.

"Think they're in the box," Elliot had quipped dryly, making his wife dissolve into laughter once more.

She had stayed up with him finishing the crib, despite his urging her to bed. Olivia hasn't been quite herself these last few days. He had been up with her just before four this morning and though she locked him out of the bathroom, he knows.

He knows that she has has been sick for the last two - no, three mornings, and though she keeps trying to convince him it's her nerves, her excitement over the pending arrival of the baby, he is sure as hell going to be sure she makes an appointment to see the doctor this week if she keeps this up.

He pushes the barn door aside and follows Riley in, watching her inspect every nook and cranny of the space she is now so familiar with. The stalls don't hold horses just yet, but Lizzie is moving close by after graduation and by then he is sure that he and Olivia will have learned so much from his daughter that they'll be equine experts. He grins to himself, shaking his head at the thought.

One thing at a time.

Elliot takes a deep breath before he opens the door to the storage room. Riley slips in before him and she gazes around the small space, surveying the inventory the same way that he does. He isn't sure what he checking on exactly. He just had to make sure.

"What d'you think, hon?" He asks Riley as she turns to meet his gaze. "You think we're ready?" His dog makes one more loop around the room before she comes to stand by his side, as if to affirm his belief.

"Okay," he says, patting the scruff of Riley's neck and exhaling a breath that he didn't realize he was holding onto. He will take Riley's confirmation and use it as his own. "Let's go."

Elliot closes the barn door and Riley waits until he is finished before she runs ahead of him, back toward the house.

The day is growing warmer, the sun is already high in the East, and he has to hold up his hand against its rays in time to catch Heidi dash out onto the porch and into the yard to meet Riley halfway.

He grins openly as both dogs bound back toward him, happy, free, _present._

 _Now. Live it, feel it, cling to it._

If Heidi is up and about then so is his wife and before he can even step back inside he knows he is right. He can hear the strains of the radio issuing from the open windows. _The Foundations._ She makes him laugh because she has always embraced his love of the oldies.

 _"I need you. I need you more than anyone, darling. You know that I have from the start. So build me up buttercup, don't break my heart..."_

Elliot leans against the door frame, watching as Olivia moves around the kitchen, singing softly along to the music. Her dark locks are pulled back from her face in a messy ponytail and wavy errant strands play against her neck. She is wearing one of his too big for her t-shirts over a pair of soft gray shorts. Her feet are bare against the wooden floor and the dogs dance around her legs as she prepares breakfast. She has the jar of peanut butter open on the counter and the box of waffles in her hands.

"Hey you," Olivia says, smiling as she turns to meet his gaze. Her dark eyes are bright and they tell him that she must have slept fairly well.  
"You haven't heard anything, have you?" She asks lightly.

Elliot knows the now familiar question is rhetorical because he asks the same one of her whenever they aren't together for a period of time, no matter how brief. As long as there is a chance that one of them is going to get the call, he knows they are going to keep asking each other.

Elliot shakes his head. "Not yet, but it's still early."  
Olivia pops a strawberry into her mouth from the bowl on the counter and chews thoughtfully. She nods, a whisper of a smile tugging at her fruit-reddened lips.

"Any day now." She recites the words that have become their lucky charm, their mantra, their prayer to the Heavens and he can't help but kiss her.

"Whatcha doing in here?" He asks, gently switching topics as he gazes around at the array of varying food items covering the surface of the counter. She has peanut butter and fruit and waffles and for some reason beyond his understanding there is a cucumber on the cutting board just for good measure.

"Making breakfast," she replies slowly with an amused tilt of her head that silently tells him she thinks he might need to make an appointment with the optometrist to have his vision checked.

Elliot shakes his head and takes the package of waffles from her hands. "I mean, what are you doing outta bed?" He clarifies.

Olivia gives him a halfhearted sigh at what he knows she considers his protective predictability. The toaster pops and Olivia presses her palms to his chest as she tries to slip around him, but Elliot catches her waist with his free hand.  
"Liv," he entreats her, holding onto her until she looks up at him. "You gotta tell me if you're not feeling good."

Olivia nods so emphatically that he is reminded of Eli. "I promise, El. I'm really okay," She replies, her voice low and earnest. He feels the way her fingers gently grasp the cotton of his t-shirt against his sides as though to emphasize her point. "I feel better if I'm up and besides, I'm _hungry_ so that's a good thing." She smiles up at him through those perfectly dark lashes of hers and he almost lets her slide.

He watches her as he deposits the waffles back into the freezer.

Olivia leans up against the counter and plucks the waffles out of the toaster with her fingers before depositing them onto her plate and sinking the butter knife deep into the jar of peanut butter. She spreads it over the waffles then she takes the cutting board and starts to slice up a cucumber into smaller pieces. She dots the peanut butter with pieces of the fruit and vegetable before she catches him observing her.

"Can I ask you something else?"

Olivia tosses him a look that clearly means that she wants to tell him to drop this subject and stop watching her like a hawk or else she isn't going to speak to him again until he does. Instead she answers him simply. "Sure."

"You put cucumber on that waffle?" He asks, intrigued by his wife's changing culinary tastes.

Olivia's laughter bubbles up as she takes a bite and reaches for a napkin. "I know it looks disgusting, but I had a craving and it's good. I promise. Do you want one?"

"A peanut butter, strawberry, cucumber _waffle?"_ He asks slowly, emphasizing each word in amusement. Maybe she is sicker than he thought...

"Yes," Olivia nods, stifling her laugh again, this time with her hand.

"You throw up again since four?" He asks, reaching across the counter and pressing his palm to her cheek, her forehead. She isn't feverish.

Olivia shakes her head and Elliot reaches for a strawberry from her bowl.

"No, it's the weirdest thing." She says thoughtfully. "These last three days...like clockwork at four o'clock and then I'm fine for the rest of the day. It's like I'm only sick in the morn-" Olivia drops her waffle onto her plate with a clatter.

The strawberry in his hand doesn't make it to his mouth.

"Liv," he rumbles her name as she reaches across the counter to grab his hand and the calendar. Elliot watches as she silently counts and calculates while all he knows is that he loves her.

Olivia's dark eyes are swimming by the time she looks up at him. "I think-" Her gaze darts from his down to the calendar and back up again. "I think I'm pregnant."

Elliot nods because somehow, by some blessing from beyond he is not surprised. Somewhere deep inside, he has known all along.

The ringing of their combined cell phones is deafening in the open kitchen and they both jump at the sound. "It might be-" Olivia breathes.  
"It is," Elliot rasps in reply.  
His screen lighting up upon the identification of the call they've been waiting for. He slips his hand up Olivia's wrist to cradle his wife's forearm with his palm.

"Hello?" His voice is too low and he should have taken a moment to pull himself together, but he puts the call on speaker and the next thing he knows is that they are parents. Right now. Today. A baby. _Their_ baby.

The next few minutes are a blur as Olivia passes him a pen and notepad and through his full eyes Elliot writes down details, everything they need to know. Olivia is crying and laughing and before Elliot can help it he is, too.

"We _have_ a baby," Olivia breathes in awe, reading the scrawl of his handwriting from the note pad. "We have a baby," Elliot repeats in confirmation.  
"And we're _having_ a baby," she says, taking his hand in her own and pressing their lifelines against her as yet unchanged stomach.

Elliot tries to kiss her, but she can't stop laughing and he can't stop smiling and together they are a glorious mess.

"Yeah, we're having a baby. Two babies."

Olivia nods in amazement and Elliot brushes her hair away from her cheek with his fingers. She sinks her warm weight against his palm, lets his skin absorb her tears.

"El, this...this is crazy." Olivia gives a watery grateful laugh, her fingertips come to rest against his abdomen. "I mean, what are the odds of this?"

Elliot shakes his head and his throat is suddenly painfully tight because Olivia's question has struck him hard.

The _odds._ The _chances._

The odds of this are astronomical: they are one million to one, once in a thousand lifetimes and never again. The odds of _them,_ of their _lives,_ of their _love story._ The odds that Olivia is his wife and she is standing in the kitchen beside him at nine o'clock on an early August morning eating cucumber strawberry peanut butter waffles and they are together and they're happy and here and very nearly _complete._

They have defied the odds, pushed against their limits, and somehow those same odds have always been in their favor. The odds have never meant much, not when it comes to the two of them.

Elliot knows with a absolute peace and certainty that only comes from the grace of God and from loving Olivia that nothing about this is random. This is not some fortuitous accident, no fluke, no serendipitous happenstance, strange coincidence, or lucky break.

This is something _more._

They have always been so much more. This is fate and blessing and destiny. This is true love and heart and soul and always and forever. This is...

"This is a miracle," Olivia whispers and Elliot smiles because she is right.

* * *

The days are getting longer again. The early-June dusk is alive with sights and smells and sounds. The crickets are chirping, the sky has painted itself in a blaze of orange and red, fading to pastel pink before the deep comforting blues of night take over.

Elliot makes his way down the driveway at a leisurely pace. He has no where to go and there isn't a place on Earth that he would rather be. He keeps his strides slow and steady to match the pace of his daughter, who is clinging to his hand.

Wren has pieces of straw tangled in her honey brown braid and one strap of her violet overall romper has slipped down her little shoulder to rest against the white t-shirt that she wears, but she hasn't noticed because her attention is directed upwards.

"Is the moon awake yet, Daddy? Is it up there?"

Elliot takes his eyes off his child to follow her bespectacled gaze up toward the heavens. "I don't see it yet, baby," he tells her. "But I see some stars. Can you see 'em?"  
Elliot pauses then to bend down and pick her up. She is light as a feather, his little girl, and as he holds her he presses a kiss to her warm temple. Wren slips her left arm around his neck and settles herself against him for an astronomy lesson.

"See that big bright one way up there, Wrennie?" He asks, using his free arm to point up into her field of vision.  
"Mmm-hmm," she nods eagerly and her wavy hair tickles his chin.

"That's the North Star. It's part of a shape up there called The Big Dipper. It looks like..." Elliot pauses, searching for an image that his five-year old will easily be able to conjure. "It looks like a big spoon." He outlines the shape with his finger so that she can see.

Wren's giggles are luminous in the growing dusk. "A big _spoon_ in the _sky?"_ She repeats, tilting her head and alternately squinting one almond eye and then the other behind the frame of her glasses. "Holy cow," she whispers her favorite exclamation and makes him laugh.

"Holy cow is right. Think we have to wait till it gets a little bit darker to see it better, baby," Elliot tells her and Wren nods in agreement. He sets her back down onto her feet and he hasn't taken even a step before he feels her little fingers reaching for his hand once more.

She is precious, his youngest daughter. She is sensitive and sassy and smart as a whip. She is witty and observant and wildly independent for someone all of five years old. She is gentle and just as tough as her brothers. She is a delicate dichotomy of dearness. She wears her heart on her sleeve for all to see, just like her Daddy, and tonight she holds onto him.

The fading colors of the sky blur ever so slightly because he knows there will come a day when she won't reach for him as readily as she does now. He grasps her freshly painted little fingers and he prays that she knows that every time she stretches out her hand, both he and her mother will always be there to catch her.

Elliot feels her small fingers twist in his grasp and then she is twirling in the twilight, the heels of her cowgirl boots clicking against the blacktop. "Watch this, Daddy! I'm a ballerina!"

"You sure are," He says, grinning at her. He lets her cling to his right hand while he keeps his left close enough so should she lose her balance, he won't let her fall.

Wren spins and giggles until she can't anymore and then she is grasping his denim-clad thigh like a koala bear and making him laugh.

"That makes you dizzy, huh, baby?" He asks, smoothing his palm over the top of her head.  
"Whoa!" She cries, holding out her arms to steady herself as she briefly lets go of his leg. She giggles again and Elliot can hear Olivia in her joy. "Can you please carry me, Daddy?"

She doesn't have to ask twice.

Wren rests her chin against his shoulder, her arms around his neck. He can feel her little hands patting his upper back as he walks. "I love you, Wren," he whispers. He hopes that none of his children will ever tire of hearing that, because he has no intention of ever ceasing to tell them. "To the moon and back."

Elliot can only see her profile because of her position in his arms, but he watches the way she smiles one of her nose crinkling grins that makes her whole little face light up. "I love you too, Daddy. To the Big Dripper and back!"

Lord, how she makes him laugh.

Elliot slows as they approach their destination: the mailbox.

"Can I open it up, Daddy? Can I open the door?" Wren asks eagerly, reaching out her hands toward the mailbox.

For some reason, both of their children have a fascination with the mail and so each day they take turns being the one to collect it and bring it back to the house.

Today it is Wren's turn.

There is a lot of mail and so Elliot separates it with his free hand while holding Wren against his side. "Here baby," he says, handing her two thin envelopes and a small rectangular card, glossy on one side with a scrawl of writing on the other.

"What's this, Daddy?" Wren asks, turning the card over in her hands and catching sight of Minnie and Mickey Mouse on the front.  
"That's a postcard, Wrennie. I think it's from Bridget."

Bridget and her husband spent the last two weeks in Disney on their honeymoon and she had promised to send along something special for the kids.

"Holy cow! I got a postcard from Bridget! I gotta show Momma!" She exclaims, wiggling with excitement.

"Good idea, go show Momma!" Elliot lets her slip down from his arms before she runs off in front of him, alternately hopping and skipping, but no matter how fast her legs can carry her, he is always just a few paces behind.

Elliot opens the door to the mudroom and Wren flits inside, slipping off her boots and waving the postcard in her hand. "Momma!" She calls out for Olivia. "Mommy, guess what we got!"

Elliot can hear Olivia's voice issuing from the kitchen. "What did you get, lovey?" She exclaims as she rounds the corner and folds their exuberant daughter into her arms.

"We got a postcard from Bridget!" Wren squeals, brushing escaped strands of her wavy hair away from her cheek.

"Oh my goodness! This is so exciting!" Olivia says, her voice lilting to match their daughter's as she smiles. She kneels down onto the floor beside Wren to be on her eye-level and Riley dances around them.

"And look! Look Momma, there's Mickey and Minnie on it, too," Wren says, patiently pointing to each character as if it might be the first time that her mother has ever laid eyes on them.

"I see! I see Mickey and Minnie. That was so nice of Bridget to send that to you guys, wasn't it?" Olivia asks and Wren nods enthusiastically.  
"I'm gonna go show the boys, okay Momma?"

"That sounds wonderful, lovey," Olivia replies, as she leans in to press a kiss to Wren's forehead. She meets Elliot's gaze over their daughter's head and she beams.

"Wrennie," he says and their child turns to look up at him. "Before you go outside, can you tell Momma what we saw out there in the sky?"

Elliot can feel Olivia watching him curiously, but he keeps his gaze determinedly on the five year old who stands between them because he knows her mother will enjoy this.

Wren's almond eyes go wide and she gives an excited gasp of understanding before she reaches for Olivia's hand.

"Yes! Holy cow! Daddy showed me the- the..." Wren looks back at him over her shoulder, her brow furrowed in concentration.  
"The North-" Elliot starts her off slowly and Wren giggles as she remembers. "Oh! The North Star and then, and then guess what? We saw the Big Dripper!"

Olivia can't help the way that her laughter bubbles up and Elliot loses his own battle with keeping a straight face.

"You did? Daddy showed you the Big Dipper? Well, that's amazing!"

Wren's attention is caught by movement outside on the back porch where Elliot knows that she is sure to find her brothers. She kisses her mother's cheek before she dashes across the kitchen with Riley in tow.

"I love you to the moon, Wrennie," Olivia reminds her. Wren turns and smiles that perfect smile that lights up her whole little face. "I love you to the Big Dripper, Momma!" She exclaims.

Olivia is laughing again before their daughter can slip the screen door closed.

"She's hilarious and she doesn't even know it," Elliot chuckles, shaking his head fondly as he reaches for his wife. Olivia's dark eyes are full of amusement as she settles against him for a moment. "She got her sense of humor from you," she tells him mildly before he kisses her.

"Good thing I'm funny," he replies, earning the gentle push she gives his chest when she dissolves into laughter once more.

He follows Wren out onto the back porch, out toward where her brothers are playing in the yard. Heidi's tail thumps gently against the surface of the porch when she sees him.

"Hi baby girl," he whispers, crouching to his knees to press a kiss to the velvet fur on the top of her head.

Heidi is older now, much older and she tires more easily than in her younger years. Some days her arthritis gets the better of her and he has to carry her up and down the stairs, but she will never pass up a chance to be near the kids. So tonight under the summer sky, she rests on a cushion against the sun-warmed wood of the porch.

Riley is older now too. Elliot watches as she trails Wren across the yard toward the giant oak tree. She still doesn't make a peep unless the kids need something and then she is quite talkative. Elliot is sure she has gone selectively deaf because she doesn't listen to anyone except Olivia, but still she remains as sweet as ever.

Elliot leans up against the railing of the porch for a moment, listening to the chatter of their children. Eli is pushing Luke on the tree swing and his youngest son is laughing the best kind of belly laugh.  
"Ready, Luke?" Eli shouts. "Ready!" Luke cries in reply as Eli gives him another push before he ducks under his brother's dangling little legs and runs forward, making Luke laugh all the more.

When Eli is around, the boys are inseparable. Despite the difference in their ages, Luke and Wren at five and Eli nearing twelve, his children adore spending time together. Both of he and Olivia's babies are crazy about their older brother, but Luke is especially fascinated by everything that Eli does, and his older son takes it all in grateful stride.

He loves them and they love him.

"Hiya Daddy!" Luke exclaims, taking one hand off the rope to wave. "I love you!"  
"Hey Buddy!" Elliot greets him with a grin. "I love you to the moon and back! Now hold on with both hands," he calls out as a reminder.  
"Okay!" Luke's bright green ninja turtle t-shirt, a gratefully accepted hand-me-down from Eli, ripples as he swings through the night air.

Luke's answer is automatic and Elliot wonders whether their children occasionally experience the same selective deafness that Riley has when it comes to hearing his voice.

Elliot listens as the screen door slides open and Olivia's footsteps fall across the warm porch until he feels her fingers brush against his back. He takes his eyes off of their children for a moment to look at her and he is rewarded with her perfect smile.

"Can I swing? Can I swing now _please?"_ Wren asks, standing off to the side and watching her brothers.

"Sure Wrennie! You can take your turn next, okay?" Luke tells her and Olivia nods in silent approval of their son's innate tactfulness. Luke is brave and bright and considerate as all get out. He is funny and patient and unceasingly fair. He is sweet and rough and tumble little guy all at the same time.

"He gets _that_ from you," Elliot tells her earnestly and his wife gives a knowing grin. He thinks that Olivia might be about to make some amusing comment about his own lack of finesse, but no sooner has he spoken, marveling about their son's five year old sense of judgment that the child is catapulting himself off the swing and propelled by the movement, he sails through the air to land, giggling madly, on his feet in the grass.

 _Oh boy._

Elliot is down the steps an instant later and moving onto the lawn as Luke runs toward him. "Wow! Did you see that, Daddy? Did you see me flyin'?"  
Luke's hazel eyes are perfectly wide in the growing darkness, his chestnut locks are windblown from his time on the swing, and he is smiling from ear to ear.

"I did, Buddy! I did see you. You did a great job. We gotta be careful though. Don't let Momma catch you doing that, okay?"

"Momma heard that," Olivia asserts from behind them and Elliot returns their son's grin to him like they are partners in crime who have just been caught red handed.

Luke must catch a glimpse of his mother's expression because suddenly his little face is solemn. "Sorry Mommy," he says apologetically as he takes Elliot's hand. "I won't do it unless Daddy's there to catch me."

 _There._

They will always, _always_ be there. Their son's faith is something remarkable, something renewing. That their children understand that he and Olivia will only ever be a breath away should they need anything is all together sacred.

"Wow Wrennie! Hold still. There's a lightning bug in your hair," Eli tells his little sister. Wren giggles and like something from a fairy tale the sound seems to wake the fireflies. Then, flicker by tiny flicker, the darkness around them is illuminated.

He hears Olivia's amazed gasp from just beside him. He reaches for her hand and brushes his thumb over her fingers, once, twice, three times.

" _Those who don't believe in magic will never find it,_ " she whispers softly, words her first heard from her a long time ago.

"I believe," he tells her simply. He doesn't have to say anymore because those two words encompass everything he needs her to know. He believes in life, in love, in faith, God, and miracles. He believes in second chances, summer days, and sunrises. He believes in kisses to skinned knees, bedtime stories, and holding Olivia's hand. He believes in this moment right now, he believes in their children, their family. He believes in _them._ He believes in _her._

"I do too," she replies, her voice full of emotion. He pulls her close, pressing his lips to her warm temple.

"I'm gonna grab the flashlights," Elliot tells her because they both know it is only a matter of time before someone trips in the dark grass.

He will bet the twenty-seven dollars in his wallet on Wren and he is going to do everything he can to make sure that doesn't happen. He lets go of Olivia's hand as she makes her way past him, moving down toward their excited children.

He can just make out her nod, her silhouette in the dark. "I love you," she tells him.

A whisper, an answered prayer.

"I love you, too." The words are simple, the sentiment is the truest thing he has ever known.

The flashlights are easy to find, they are right where he left them in the cabinet in the kitchen. He shepherds Heidi inside and waits for her to curl up beside the couch before he leaves once more.

Out on the deck, the night is lit with a thousand minuscule beacons of light.

He can hear his children's laughter in the dark and the sound makes him grin. He looks up into clear night sky. Deep blue with a blanket of endless glittering stars. The moon is a sliver, not yet half, just a crescent. He hears Luke's happy exclamation when its rising catches his attention, too. Elliot makes his way through the darkness, the flashlight his guide to all he holds dear.

He finds himself unconsciously praying more often now, not so much asking for anything, but giving thanks for everything.

Elliot slips his arm around Olivia and she settles in against him to watch this night's most impressive light show. Eli is picking Wren up to help her to catch a firefly that floats just above her head, while Luke takes a slow and steady approach of moving through the grass and raising his hands, letting the fireflies come to him.

He can feel the butterfly kisses of Olivia's wet eyelashes against his neck and he presses his lips to the top of her head. He knows what is making her weep.

This night is precious, this moment. It is not to be taken for granted. Their children are growing up before their eyes and both he and Olivia try to use every minute with them to impress upon them the inexpressible.

They watch their children, the two that belong entirely to them. Wren and Luke.

One of them is their child through adoption and the other is theirs by blood and neither one of them know which is which anymore because they are all bound by absolute and irrevocable love.

Elliot glances up at the moon once more. He doesn't know whether it is waxing or waning in its celestial sphere. There is no beginning nor an end to the moon's ebb and flow. It will grow and change and disappear, but always to begin again, brand new.

He knows the same about this moment now. It is neither the beginning nor the end, but the present.

Right _now._ It is a gift, a life well-lived. It is a burden lifted and a benediction bestowed.

He feels the touch of Olivia's lips to his shoulder through the thin fabric of his t-shirt as he holds her in the darkness. The light of their life glimmering, skipping, running, jumping, laughing, all around them and they are finally, blessedly whole.


End file.
